Family Matters
aushura
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
MIL seems to Favor all her kids, but DH and Grand Children
Ok, I know, this is another MIL Issue. Anyways, my MIL seems to favor all her children but my DH and Grand-Children. She will lend money to BIL who, by the way, takes and never gives, and does not work. MIL will Praise Older SIL who lives hundreds of miles away. And to top it off, MIL will buy clothes, take out to movies with younger SIL. But anytime my DH asks for anything, which is very Rare, she will laugh in his face and tell him to mind his own business. Yet, she will call him and demand to fix her car, demand that he needs to drive her somewhere, demands that he needs to cook her dinner, demand for expensive gift on holidays, and ask for money, and so on {If he doesn't do this, she will whine and cry and state that her children do not love her.} This has been going on for years! She never buys her grand-children gifts or calls them on there birthdays. She even had the guts to raise her hand like she was going to hit me when I told her I was pregnant with my younger one, then proceeded to say it was a joke. Yet, when she found out Older SIL was pregnant, she was so in joy and proceeded to state that she will have only girls. {By the way, I have only boys.} I was so ecstatic to learn and secretly filled with joy when I found out my SIL was having a Boy!!!! Anyways, I have been very lenient with her actions and comments. But it's getting to the point where I'm finding myself at the short end and getting way too frustrated with a lot her BS. She lied to my DH about not having Facebook, but she posts on Older SIL site. In fact, she has lied a lot about most everything. She expects for us to be at her beck and call, but treats us like animals.
Does anyone have any suggestions of how to confront her, without being like jerks {like she is to us}. I want to confront her with out being the bad guy so she can not give us lip about it….. Please help…..
Re: MIL seems to Favor all her kids, but DH and Grand Children
What I strongly suggest you do and in this order, two things:
1- CUT HER OUT OF YOUR LIVES, STAT.
Starting here and now, end your sorry relationship with her.
DO not eve tell her she's out of your lives.
She will figure it out when you do not call her back or reply to her texts -- and if she comes to your home, do not get the door.
Change your phone numbers and all other pertinent ways she can reach you --- and if she shows up at your house, call the cops and say she is trespassing.
There is SHIT in this "relationship" for you, for your H and for your kiddoes. Why are you letting this creep poison the lives of your youngsters??? Don't permit them to be hurt any longer.
The second thing you and he need:
Counseling --- to stand up for your rirghts.
And your H needs a backbone. I don't know where he is going to get one of those. Maybe try a chiropractor or a bone guy.
Get rid of her today --- do not tarry --- and leave her behind in the dust.
And if the SIL or the sponge BIL calls you, same thing. I think they need to go also. THey're a poor influence on your kids and they add ZERO to the enrichment of your lives in general.
If you like being walked on, lied to, belittled, used, taken for a ride and treated like garbage, you will continue to have her in your lives.
If you are serious about ending this nonsense, cut her out of your lives.
I don't want to hear "oh but that's mean or it will look like we are jerks" -- this is TOUGHLOVE. She needs it -- she is dreadful and no way I'd have permitted this to happen to me; she'd have been told where it was at the second she TRIED to do something lousy to me.
She can demand all she wants, it's still on you and DH to say "no". She whines and cries? Let her. Stop enabling her poor behavior. She's acting like a child.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Who raises a hand to somebody and then goes "haha it's a joke"? If this is her idea of funny, she indeed has more than a few screws loose.
When kids are involved and the kids wind up getting short shrift, that's where you need to see that there's a problem -- and that's where this old biddy needs to know her behavior sucks. This is terrible for the kiddoes --- they wonder why come G-ma doesn't like them? if they haven't said it you can bet they feel it.
Cut her out of your lives. Like I said, no need to even announce it to her. Let her figure it out herself.
Change your numbers. Email addys, too. Block her on FB and whatever social media you use and if she rings your bell, you know what to do. Don't get the doorbell. RESIST. Otherwise you will be under her thumb and be treated like garbage by her forever --- do it for the sake of the kids: that should give you more will power. GL.
My husband grew up with only one grandma - his mom's mom - because his dad's mom was so mean to my mother-in-law that my father-in-law had to lay down the law and tell her, "Mom, either you treat my wife with respect, or you will have no place in our lives." Guess what she chose to do? Oh well; her loss.
So my husband has never met this nasty old woman. He has no idea what she looks like because there are no pictures of her. For the longest time, he didn't even know what her name was. But you know what? He doesn't miss her or want to know her at all. He knows exactly why she's not part of the family and he doesn't blame his parents one bit for cutting her off. In fact, he's grateful for it because it's a lot less drama. If you do this for your kids, they will grow up to thank you too.
When you get married, you form one new unit. The 2 of you are the family.
The marriage vow is "forsaking all others." That means he's to put you first with no questions asked and with no concern about what somebody else thinks of it.
He's got problems with cutting an apron string. Whether this is age -- is he rather young? -- or emotional immaturity, or both, he can't be doing this to you.
His first alliance is to you, not his mother. And that is the entire scope of your problem.
You could demand he get therapy to learn how to see YOU as his family --- you cannot keep the dynamic as is: it's not healthy for you or for him.
If he doesn't see there is a problem and that you need to come first because you're his family, then that's the ball game.
You can either accept things as is.
Or you can tell him to go -- and when that door opens, tell him he can head back to his mother's and there is no other way back.
HE is also exhibiting a vast lack of character and as for respect for you, it is zero.
YOU make the choice. Either he is a family with you and he's behind that 100% or you accept the fact his mother comes first. The choice is yours.
Saying horrible things to me is one thing; I can fend for myself.
But when you start doing that to a kid, that is where I have the problem. She needs a swift kick in the keester and a lecture about being fair to ALL THE KIDS, no exceptions.
And your H isn't furious that his children are getting the lousy end of the stick? Where did you GET this gem you married???
She takes her youngest daughter out to movies and buys her clothes. This is your business because...?
She lends money to her unemployed son. What a monster. You shouldn't be needing or asking for money anyway - be proud of yourselves that you don't and butt out.
She gushes about her daughter that lives far away. Again, what a monster.
From this post I am assuming that you and your husband are perhaps young (either in age or maturity) to her to be having children compared to her other children. She also doesn't seem to love and embrace being a grandmother - so be it.
I also don't quite see how this is 'treating you like animals'.
What do you do? You manage your own expectations of her (lowering them) and move on with your life. You say 'no' when you don't want to do something, hang up when she cries or whines and stop worrying so much about how she treats everyone else. The bottom line is that this is how she treats YOU and THAT is what you need to focus on and deal with.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
God helps those who helps themselves.
Get rid of all toxic people and speak up and stand your ground. That's all you need to do. Don't give this horrid woman free rule.
You cannot stop her enablement or what she wants to do when it comes to other members of her family. That's something that only she can fix.