Trouble in Paradise
kelised83
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Would you have trust issues after this?
Quick background: Married almost 7 years, together 7 years prior to that, two kids. I've always had pain with sex so our sex life has never been great. Relationship hasn't been good at all lately (fighting, family deaths, emergencies, as well as a lot of laziness and irresponsible-ness on DH's part). I give DH a lot of leeway in hanging out with friends.
Couple weeks ago, he went to a bar to hang with some friends and play pool (normal thing he does). Our garage is also set-up as a "man cave" where they all hang out. A few weeks ago I was already in bed when he got home and could hear talking (couldn't understand what though). Next day I ask him if he had fun, who was over, etc.. told me a woman he met at a bar was over. At first, I was not worried about it. Then he says he didn't go to bed until 3-4am. I find out they were alone for at least part of that time. Then he laughs and says, yeah, its funny, she and a friend of hers actually asked if I wanted to have a threesome. Thats when I got upset. He said they ended up just talking about how she got out of a long-term relationship and she was having issues. He said he did not talk about our relationship and made it clear he was married. I made it clear that wasn't okay, he said "nothing" happened. I told him I didn't care and the fact that he thought it was okay was what made me so upset. He told me he'd stop talking to her, and he has.
Being snoopy, I looked at our cell phone activity on our bill and essentially he called and texted her over the course of two days, some texts and calls late, like 12-3 am. He did truly stop contacting her.
But then he got pissy with me this week and it started a fight because he wants to know when he's "off probation" because this issue, along with a lot of other things that have accumulated, and my pain issues, have made our physical relationship non-existent. Last time we were even intimate was February. So he's rightfully upset about that, and I'm sure some of this stuff with this woman were because he was getting attention and he probably enjoyed it.
But would you have trust issues after that? Am I over-reacting?
Couple weeks ago, he went to a bar to hang with some friends and play pool (normal thing he does). Our garage is also set-up as a "man cave" where they all hang out. A few weeks ago I was already in bed when he got home and could hear talking (couldn't understand what though). Next day I ask him if he had fun, who was over, etc.. told me a woman he met at a bar was over. At first, I was not worried about it. Then he says he didn't go to bed until 3-4am. I find out they were alone for at least part of that time. Then he laughs and says, yeah, its funny, she and a friend of hers actually asked if I wanted to have a threesome. Thats when I got upset. He said they ended up just talking about how she got out of a long-term relationship and she was having issues. He said he did not talk about our relationship and made it clear he was married. I made it clear that wasn't okay, he said "nothing" happened. I told him I didn't care and the fact that he thought it was okay was what made me so upset. He told me he'd stop talking to her, and he has.
Being snoopy, I looked at our cell phone activity on our bill and essentially he called and texted her over the course of two days, some texts and calls late, like 12-3 am. He did truly stop contacting her.
But then he got pissy with me this week and it started a fight because he wants to know when he's "off probation" because this issue, along with a lot of other things that have accumulated, and my pain issues, have made our physical relationship non-existent. Last time we were even intimate was February. So he's rightfully upset about that, and I'm sure some of this stuff with this woman were because he was getting attention and he probably enjoyed it.
But would you have trust issues after that? Am I over-reacting?
Re: Would you have trust issues after this?
Where the heck is your self esteem at, along with your common sense??
Uh because we haven't had sex in eons, no wonder he's talking to this girl!!!
It doesn't WORK THAT WAY!
OKay, you and he can't indulge in intercourse -- he is supposed to stand by you and back you up. You don't give up and "go home" like this is a baseball game that got rained out. He's supposed to stand by you, no matter what.
What about other things you can do together sexually? Mutual masturbation? Role playing? You and/or he masturbate and put on a show? Oral sex?
What about plain ole making out????
You and he also have a bad communication problem, as do you, for yourself: when the pain started, you needed to get that checked out by a doc. How come you just let it go and figured, "Too much pain, we can't have sex?" Where is his concern? Did he ever say he was worried?
There's much more wrong with the picture than "just" his talking to some other woman and bringing a stranger into YOUR home.
THis is what baffles me:
She has pain.
And that's the end of story.
And neither one initiated talk about "what can we do to work on this", nor did the OP head to a gyn to find out what's what???
Is this 1934 or 2014?
And if he packs it in because he can't have intercourse --- shit, again: is this 1934?
I strongly suggest counseling for the both of you --- both with a marriage counselor and a sex therapist. Your communication stinks and his view of "wifely duties" is sickening, to tell the truth. YOu've got a bit of a problem in that area, too: marriage is NOT all about sex. And when you are together 14 years, remember: passion has waned a bit. The frequency of sex drops --- twice a week would be about right for a couple together 14 years.
So yes, I've been doing things to fix this, it hasn't just come out of nowhere.
I really just wanted to get some perspective because like I've said, we're at this point now where we are thisclose to call it quits. Its very hard though because we have two wonderful young kids and I'm terrified of what us separating would do to them, and I think he feels the same way. We love each other but we just can't seem to get on the same wavelength and then when he pulled that crap it just really shocked and upset me.
Things have not been good for many additional reasons I won't get in to (too much typing). But I am hyper-sensitive to things right now and want to make sure I wasn't being irrational.
I would show this guy the door and not look back.
If he is truly interested in fixing things, he'd be seeing a therapist with you with no questions asked and any thoughts of other women would be nowhere in his train of thought.
I don't know how you're going to fix the trust that's been broken; that's going to have to be something you're going to cope with and handle, one day at a time.
If you are spiritual see a clergyperson -- go on your own.
Oh yes, I did. Didn't really get much out of him. I haven't been railing on him for this but its been brought up a few times because he's been pissy about me being upset about this and other things that have been going on. Well, it all came to a head Saturday and he told me he wanted a divorce. Honestly its been coming for awhile now and the last few days he's shown his true colors. I don't even know who he is anymore. Even more disgusting, when he stormed out he told me he was going to go get laid and yesterday morning I noticed he had a box of opened condoms sitting in his truck.
We're going to mediation next week to hash the agreement out and be done with this.
He's always been a super jealous/untrusting person. If I get a call from a number I don't know, I don't answer it, and he would get suspicious. He would always make comments about me wanting to "get" with his friends. I'd even said to him jokingly at one point that the fact that he's SO over the top about that stuff makes it seem like maybe he's the one acting inappropriately.
And..now its really a moot point.
Now it doesn't even matter.
Sounds like you're better off without him! Trust has to go both ways, and he's definitely not holding up his end. Did you ever do anything to break his trust, or has he just always been an ass?
Nope. I've been faithful, work my ass off, take care of the kids, everything...he has a crappy family history but none of that excuses his behavior. He's always felt like he doesn't deserve me, and now he's proven himself right.