Sex & Romance
kr0403
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
need advice
For the first 4 years of our marriage we used just BC pills for protection. Now working on our 5th year I have gotten off the pills and we are just using condoms. A few weeks ago, the condom came off when we were having sex. two days after that when I tried to initiate sex he said no because he was scared it would come off again. I said fine and we didnt do anything.
Earlier this week he was on the couch playing video games and i came out in a sexy outfit and sat in his lap. He looked around me at the tv and basically blew me off. I went and changed and got dressed again.
Then just the other night I tried to initiate again, and he semi took over but when i wanted to do it with me on top he said no and it ended being the quickest we have ever had sex.
I know he is not cheating on me, there is no way he could be. We work together and share a car. I just feel like i am not good enough anymore or his fears are getting the best of him. I dont know what to do!
Re: need advice
It was probably the quickest sex you've ever had because there hasn't been much action lately and he was all built up.
He may also really just dislike the condoms and doesn't find a whole lot of pleasure in it after years of not wearing one. Why did you go off the pill?
I got off the pill because I was ready to get my body back to where it needed to be to have kids.
I just am not sure why this is going on. I mean we are using the kind of condoms that are barely there, i mean we tried so many different kinds of condoms when I got off the pill until we found the one that he said was the best one and closest to wearing nothing at all. So I just dont know if he is truly just so freaked out about having kids or if he is not wanting sex in certain ways or whatever because he is not attracted to me anymore.
Suppose you switch to another form of BC, like a diaphragm or the sponge?
Whether this is a fear of pregnancy thing or some other issue brewing, I don't know --- nip it in the bud while the going is good. GL.
What's not great about this:
He isn't willing to come to a decision with you about what you and hee should do about what's happening.
If things remain the same after a couple months, go see a sex therapist on your own and see what kind of advice you can get.
Oh sure, if a condom breaks, or slips, he's going to get a good scare (and been there twice; it is indeed unnerving) but to just not want to participate in sex anymore, or *okay* you using another bc method ---- not great.
Men don't stop having sex with women they love unless they feel badly put out or threatened by something......
If I had to guess what's going on here I would say that he thinks he is being 'set up' to be a father. You don't say the circumstances of how the condom "came off"...did he suspect you of some 'slight of hand'...?? This is a situation that he is losing control of and the logical outcome is that the condom will slip again at teh wrong moment and a pregnancy (that he knows you want and are ready for) will result......You want a pregnancy and he is unready so he now sees your 'underhanded' attempts (in his eyes) as a threat.
You need to talk to him and really try to understand why he does not want to be a father (yet) and be kind and sympathetic when you both talk......NOT that irritating 'little girl who can't get her way' thing....!!
.........Men are not stupid and women are devious by nature (to state a commonly held male idea!)
You both need to sit down and discuss this baby issue together. Be100% truthful about each others expectations and time-frames. Otherwise your going to start feeling resentment and he's going to keep feeling en-trapped.
Frankly, it does not (from either of your posts) look as if he is convinced! Your only course is to try to find out exactly why he is so set against ,being a father with you becasue there's something badly wrong at the moment.
The fact that he has some family history of "sneaky stuff" and that you don't really seem to 'get' his unease only makes things worse. Some other stuff is going on here even if you have not worked it out yet. Communication and understanding are everything in personal relationships and it sounds/reads like there is a major problem as yet un quantified, but almost certainly about how he views your intentions to evetnually get pregnant.
I've seen and heard too many "oops on purpose" stories .
Some men like to plan ahead and be ready to raise children without living on the ragged edge fiscally. Some may not mind but some men want more than Kraft Dinner with hot dogs are their base meal. Have a decent home and a reliable newish vehicle. With the ability for Mom to stay at home with baby for at least a year without over drafting the bank account.
We waited 6+ yrs, paid some stuff off and traveled before dedicating the next 15-20yrs to non stop child care.
b.t.w...........What do you mean get your body in shape by going off the pill ? My gynecologist just shakes his head every time he hears that one.
As usual (on this site), it's the items that the OP does NOT mention that are key,.......The elephant that is not in the room is WHY the husband does not want a pregnancy. The OP obviously knows why but has chosen NOT to tell us,...presumably because it will read badly for her case. (If she does NOT know then she has much more than the problem described here!)
Interestingly (and significantly) the OP has portrayed the situation as a 'sex problem' and asked for advice as such. However, this is NOT a sex problem so much as a MARITAL CONFLICT problem about a vital LIFE ISSUE,..namely whether of not to bring a child into life.....(their sex life was apparently ok for four years while she used oral BC)
The OP, of her own admission, wants a child mainly because of peer influence..(other family members have recently had kids)....The husband appears determined to not participate,..the reasons why are withheld from us, but, was it a good move for the OP, knowing that he is unwilling, to go ahead with contraceptive changes (especially when these have come dangerously close to disaster) fundamentally against his apparent wishes.
Lastly, as a 'mere' man, I will leave it to the sharp minded women who frequent this site to decide what the criteria for parenthood is;......an expression of maternal instinct and love?,....or just the aquisition of a status symbol?.........
My husband does not want a child right now he says because of money and i think that is partly true but I also think it is because he is afraid he will end up like his dad and I know that is not true at all.
I also am not looking to have a child "because everyone else is doing it" I want a child because I am ready for that next step, to be a mom.
I know my husband is scared to death and that is why we are waiting. I however do not want us to continue to not have sex. I have told him before i would go back on the pill but he says no because I did it for the previously stated reasons.
I am not afraid to answer any questions one might have on this issue and i do not want it to look like I am trying to leave anything out or hide anything. I have nothing to hide on this issue and I would never try and even begin to think about tricking him into having a child. That i think is one of the worst things one can do in a marriage or any relationship for that matter.
I went to see a counselor yesterday by myself and she is going to be helping me a lot. My H refuses to go and says it makes him feel like a failure when I bring up us going together.
But, following the advice of the counselor I got a form of spermicide, the VCF and when I showed it to him he freaked out and said that will only make having sex more complicated and did not want to use it. Then I told him I just did not want him thinking every time we have sex that I would get pregnant. I mean the last time we had sex he stopped mid act to check and see if the condom was still on. Talk about ruining the mood.
So now I am going to try either condoms with spermicide or just some lube with spermicide. But only time will tell what is going to happen with this. We cant continue to not have sex or to have him worried the whole time that I will get pregnant.
His parents divorce was finalized like 3 months ago and now they are about to have the house sold so he is constantly dealing with stuff for that helping her get stuff stored in our barns and such. and I dont know if this is contributing to this or not.
I am just so sick of trying to initiate and being turned down. I feel like what is the point of even trying or being in a marriage where the other person does not even seem interested any more.
..............I noticed that you refered to "her"...presumably his mother. It sort of implies that "her" and you don't entirely hit it off........could she be working on him against you? presumably they have been spending time togther over the divorce etc so is she giving you 'a bad press' such that he is being influenced against you?
He always says she did this or that for us so we have to do this for her.
When the divorce started 2 1/2 years ago she kept saying she wanted to live with us for a few months after the house was sold until she could get a new one built or find one to live in. Thankfully that is not the case she has come up with a better plan because we have 2 very different opinions when it comes to keeping a house.
I am not sure why he is so scared of sex and why we cant even talk about kids without him freaking out. But when we got married we both agreed we would be in stable jobs and then get serious about the kids talk. we did both want kids when we got married, at least i thought he did, he told me he did.
so i dont know if because it is actually becoming closer to being in the right spot to have kids that he is scared and worried, or what is going on. I just need some intimacy and touching and love.
And for the divorce, the home was a turbulent one. His dad was never really a good father figure to him and his mom did everything around the home and for him.
......Perhaps he feels that a child will usurp his position,........That he will lose the attention he now gets from the two women in his life because they will be taken up with a baby..... A surprisingly high number of men feel threatened by their own children and all therapists see this regularly.
But, my H would do the whole get asked to do something (take his dishes to the sink, clean his room etc) and if he didnt do it his mom would end up doing it for him and I think he doesnt mean to do that now, but he still does some of that with me and I call him out on it.
I am not sure if he thinks it will usurp his position or if he thinks he will end up being like his father, which I know he will not, but it is just frustrating and I do not know what to do anymore.