not the "newlywed phase" i was expecting...

ashleysm88

We've been married less than 6 months, together about three and a half. We've known each other since we were teenagers, he's my best friend in the world- all that good stuff. We only moved in together about two months before the wedding. I had been looking forward to living with him so much. As soon as it actually happened, however, the excitement seemed to get pushed aside for the craziness of wedding planning. The wedding's come and gone and now I feel like we just not connecting like we used to. We seem to bicker over everything and somedays neither of us really want to be around each other. I've always known that marriage isn't going to be easy at times but I feel as though we have subconsciously decided to have it out over every single thing that has ever bothered us. EVER. I don't have any married friends I can talk to about this so I don't know what is extreme and what is more typical. I was looking forward to that "newlywed bliss" that people talk about. Am I the only one that felt that maybe the stress of wedding planning carried into the beginning of the marriage?

Emmy1493

Honestly, I think the term "Newlywed Bliss" is different for everyone. When H and I got back from our HM, it felt different, but not magical complete with unicorns and rainbows. Then again, we have lived together since 2011, so that whole merging stress was non-existent. This is why I disagree with many people who say living together is horrible before marriage. I think had we not learned about sharing bills, space, etc before hand, it would have been a rougher transition for us. We have learned a lot from it and I am glad we did. 

About the wedding stress, H and I did let the planning get to us at times. But if you let it ruin your celebration of becoming H&W, you have bigger problems that will come to surface. Esp if you do not talk about it. I suggest just being open about your feelings. Go out on a limb and suprise him with something nice. If he sees you are relaxed and happy, I am sure his attitude will follow. Best of luck to you both during these stressful times.

chrisnjay05212010

My DH and I were together just shy of 10 years by the time we got married and we had bought a house 9 months before our wedding and moved in.  We did not have a "newlywed phase".  Sure it was nice to call him my husband but there was none of that lovey dovey stuff.  About 6ish months after our wedding, we did start to have a rough patch where it felt like we were bickering over things constantly but I think thats part of the transition. We were merging bank accounts and bills and juggling a house with lots of projects. Every couple is different, you both will learn to settle into the marriage, you'll figure out your "roles" and pick and choose your battles.

BlueBirdMB

I'm not sure what constitutes a "honeymoon" or "newlywed" phase, but H and I just celebrated our 1 year anniversary.  We had an amazing first year.  No major issues and we really enjoyed each other's company.  We've been busy buying and fixing up our house, but it was a great year.

We only lived together about 6 months before our wedding.  There was a slight adjustment period, but nothing crazy.  We had crazzzzyyyyy IL issues regarding the wedding, which was super stressful on both of us, but we got through that and it only made this first year sweeter.

I think it's a little weird that wedding planning got you both so stressed out that it caused a rift.  It shouldn't cause a rift, it should bring you closer.  I also think that it's strange that in your first year you've had issues that are really bothering you.

Leftie22

Living together and getting used to each other's habits is definitely a learning curve. It never hurts to pick a night to sit down and have a light-hearted chat about how things are going. Make it more like a check-in with each other. Try to come at it from the perspective that you both love one another and want it to work, and what are some things you could do immediately or in the next two weeks that would make life easier as a couple? DH and I have also tried where each week, we tell one another one thing that the other person could do to make us feel special, or that would mean a lot to us to have done. Sometimes it's really small, but asking for it and having your DH agree, and then doing something for him feels good. Good luck!! And remember that everyone bickers about stupid crap at some point, too.

kerbohl

I'm in the same boat - married four months and we have been bickering quite a bit.  We didn't move in until after the wedding, and a lot of our issues are that, but also that my husband did not want to talk about all the difficulties that he was having adjusting to married life.  The check-in that Leftie22 suggested is a good idea and would have worked for us.  Don't let problems become bigger than they need to be or they become bad arguments and stress.  And if you do start arguing, my husband and I have been practicing stopping, and instead of arguing writing down what we are feeling so we can have time to gather our thoughts and react.   

As to the idea that the wedding planning stress carried on until the wedding . . . do you think about your wedding and what you did on a regular basis?  Do you guys argue about what happened or the choices you made?  If the arguments aren't related to the wedding, is it really the stress from the wedding carrying over, or completely unrelated?  My wedding planning was stressful (thankfully, despite my cake getting dropped, the day itself was mainly stress-free), but our arguments now are not related and come from the adjustment of getting used to living together.

sarleymue

Don't worry too much! DH and I moved in together 9 months before the wedding and consistently argued for 8 months. It was tough adjusting to sharing a space with each other, especially since we both have such strong personalities. You'll figure it out. Just be patient!

I, for one, always recommend living together before getting hitched. When you live with someone, you really get to know them. It's something to know someone to that extent-- every unbearable habit, the messiness, the ignorance to certain situations-- and STILL want to spend the rest of your life with him. Best of luck to you guys!

twoforksonelove

It took my husband and I 4-6 months to fall into the "groove." We lived together for about a year before we were married, and it was harder than I expected to get used to living together. Chores, money, all of it were sources of disagreement. Two things really helped me: 1) Saying something as soon as something bothered me -- like him leaving the seat up or putting a glass in the sink instead of the dishwasher. This made him more aware of things he was doing that caused me stress and he made an effort to not do those things anymore. 2) Taking time for myself -- a walk/run, a bubble bath, a night out with friends without him. It makes me a better partner when I do that as I start to miss him again and I feel as though I've done something for myself instead of just for US all the time.