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JeslynB

artbyallie

Did you not talk about any of this before getting married? You know, expectations for living together and so on?

Also, he sucks at fighting. The silent treatment for two fucking days over putting his damn clothes where they belong? What the hell?!

The first thing you're going to need to do is learn to communicate together like adults since he's pulling this stupid kid crap.

GilliC

JeslynB said:

My husband and I have been married for two years.  In this time, the lack of affection between us has continued to bother me (we will go days without hugging or kissing, at his doing not mine).  I have always just attributed this to lack of affection in his upbringing; where I came from a family that continuously showed affection.  Additionally, I am really struggling with our lack of understanding in acceptable living conditions.  We are adults, we are not in college anymore, and I believe that our home should be neat and organized.  I feel like I am constantly picking up after him (socks is one of the bigger issues, I find socks everywhere).  Recently, my husband has started leaving his clothes on top of the dresser we share (not folded, just thrown on the dresser).  This evening, I saw the clothes and put them away in the closet (it's a walk-in with plenty of space).  My husband completely freaked out when he saw that I put the clothes away claiming that he put them on the dresser so he could wear them tomorrow.  He is so upset with me that he took everything he needs for tomorrow and is sleeping in the guest room.  If this fight goes as the others, he will go about 2 days without talking to me.

I just don't know what to do anymore.   We both work full-time, stressful jobs.  However, I am the only one who cleans around the house.  In our two years of marriage, my husband has never cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floor, done all the laundry, etc.  Even asking him to take out the trash can be a hassle.  Sometimes I feel more like roommates than husband and wife due to the lack of affection in our marriage.  I believe that contributes to the issues we have with cleaning.  

How have you reached a happy medium with your husband?

Moving his clothes should not warrant a fight of any kind. Maybe snapping at someone if it causes you to be late, but sleeping in the guest room? WTF.

It sounds like you guys have terrible communication issues. Honestly, I doubt you'll work out these issues on your own without a lot of patience and effort, so I'd seriously consider couples counseling. Not because anything is "broken" but simply because it's important for you both to learn how to talk to each other effectively. If this is what happens over a little laundry dispute, how are you going to handle it if something huge comes up?

As for the physical affection issue, that's another thing you could discuss in couples counseling, but it sounds like you have different love languages. When you've both gotten over this laundry thing, you and your H should both go take this quiz. The book isn't bad (slight Christian slant, but not terrible), but the main point is just recognizing that you may express your affection in different ways that the other isn't recognizing. It's a useful concept.

TarponMonoxide

JeslynB said:

My husband and I have been married for two years.  In this time, the lack of affection between us has continued to bother me (we will go days without hugging or kissing, at his doing not mine).

He has always been like this, even when you first began to date?

Then you should have said goodbye right there.

If this is a recent acquisition, you needed to sit down and talk to him about what was bothering you.

Once and again, communication is key.

I have always just attributed this to lack of affection in his upbringing; where I came from a family that continuously showed affection.  Additionally, I am really struggling with our lack of understanding in acceptable living conditions.  We are adults, we are not in college anymore, and I believe that our home should be neat and organized.  I feel like I am constantly picking up after him (socks is one of the bigger issues, I find socks everywhere).

And if he was a slob way back when, you needed to find a guy who was relatively neat, if his messy ways were not tolerable to you.

Either he is just a slob or he was the kind of guy whose mother did it all for him.

See what you can do about getting him to be a little neater.  First off: it's talk to him. Again, communication is essential.

Recently, my husband has started leaving his clothes on top of the dresser we share (not folded, just thrown on the dresser).  This evening, I saw the clothes and put them away in the closet (it's a walk-in with plenty of space).  My husband completely freaked out when he saw that I put the clothes away claiming that he put them on the dresser so he could wear them tomorrow.  He is so upset with me that he took everything he needs for tomorrow and is sleeping in the guest room.  If this fight goes as the others, he will go about 2 days without talking to me.

This is odd and weird and just plain bad. He can't turn this into a fight over turf.

Know what?

Let him LEAVE his shit anywhere he likes --- let him pick through his squandor and let him figure out that he needs to get into action and be neater!

OR provide a place for him to sort through what he wants to wear~ Get him one of those folding hampers and put it on the doorknob. That should be a relatively sane solution.

I just don't know what to do anymore.   We both work full-time, stressful jobs.  However, I am the only one who cleans around the house.  In our two years of marriage, my husband has never cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floor, done all the laundry, etc.  Even asking him to take out the trash can be a hassle.  Sometimes I feel more like roommates than husband and wife due to the lack of affection in our marriage.  I believe that contributes to the issues we have with cleaning.  

How have you reached a happy medium with your husband?

Yes, it contributes...because YOU permitted it.

Starting here and now, he pitches in. TELL him that exactly and who gives a damn about his whining.

He also needs to grow up and stop taking life so bleeping seriously! What do you mean, he goes into the guest room and sleeps there, because of what??? Not acceptable.

Couples counseling --- communication has to be started.

And as for the non affection --- I don't know what you can do about it. IF this is his upbringing, that is how he is. If this is, like I said, recent --- bad news. Something is afoot.

BlueBirdMB

Sounds like my father.  He was the "renaissance man" when my mom met him.  He did it all.  And when they got married… it all stopped.  My mom always says that he's a very good salesman (that's was he does for a living and he is very good) and she was sold a bill of goods.

My mother also lets him be this way.  She could simply not do and make him do for himself.  She's done that. It made him stressed out and a difficult person to live with.  Most people aren't like my father- I'm sure your husband isn't.  Stop doing for him.  Start only doing for yourself.  See what happens.

JeslynB

Thank you all for your words of advice.  I have been thinking about this all day and after reading your comments it did occur to me that this behavior has been going on for our entire relationship (before marriage).  It just never bothered me so much until after we got married.  There were times in college when we would go a week without talking after having a fight (I remember actually wondering if we were still together).  We can never just have a fight and move on.  It always takes days to recover. It's completely exhausting.  But you are all correct - I knew this going in.  And I can only change myself, I can't change him.

 

I think I will just stop cleaning up after him and see what happens.  It's going to be really hard for me because I like our home to look nice and clean and organized.  But at least he won't get mad at me for moving his stuff. It's just so hard because he expects me to do the housework but when I do h gets mad.  He tells me that he helps by "staying out of my way".  But then won't talk to me before putting his clothes away. 

 

I'm just feeling defeated and tired.  Thank you for your responses.

Disneygeek77

Are you going to go to counseling.  Even if he won't go, individual counseling would give you the  tools on how to deal with this.  I have been to counseling before and I think it was the healthiest decision I ever made.

JeslynB

I have never asked him about counseling.  I'm scared to bring it up.  I have considered individual counseling, but honestly I don't want to pay for it

GilliC

JeslynB said:

I have never asked him about counseling.  I'm scared to bring it up.  I have considered individual counseling, but honestly I don't want to pay for it

It's worth it. You cannot learn the things you need to learn about yourself without outside help. You might get a little bit out of some of the better self-help books, but it's damn hard to point out your flaws yourself. I only went a few times, and I still learned some hugely valuable lessons in how I communicate and how I can do better. Look at what's covered by your insurance policy, and look into affordable options in your area (schools with psychology programs may have options where you can meet with a grad student for clinical experience). But definitely consider it.

If you want this to work.

You're right that you can't change him, and he can only change if he puts in the same kind of effort. I tried to be the only one changing in my marriage, and eventually I just had to acknowledge that it was a mistake and move on.

TarponMonoxide

JeslynB said:

I have never asked him about counseling.  I'm scared to bring it up.  I have considered individual counseling, but honestly I don't want to pay for it

What about seeing your clergyperson for counseling?

The communication needs to exist. Fighting and this silent treatment stuff is not good. That has to end.

OwningAHome1981

My husband is not very affectionate either.

He plays a lot of video games, which I know a lot of men do, but sorry I just don't just get it. While most men are downloading porn (which I'm happy mine isn't), he downloads a ton of anime and gets really excited when new ones come out. Again, something I do not get.

My husband also leaves his clothes and shoes everywhere and likes to put his stinky feet on the coffee table.

What I am most upset about is his lack of motivation to do anything. Any time I suggest an idea, if it involves getting off the couch or spending $$, he has no desire to do it.

And he goes to bed @ 9:30.

My husband is the uber child, lol

magsugar13

You are scared to bring up counseling?

TarponMonoxide

magsugar13 said:

You are scared to bring up counseling?

Why should you be scared to discuss anything with your partner?

Bring it up.

Even if you have to make notes to refer to when you tell him "We need to see a professional to fix what is wrong" do it.

And be prepared for the answer.

If he says no, that's pretty much the ballgame. If he doesn't want to work on it, there's not much hope here.

The same as there is none if you more or less make him go, minus him willingly going along to see a counselor.

Tofumonkey

It doesn't sound to me like you two are ready for counseling, though I do think it would help. That's okay - a point may come where you both are ready.

In the meantime you could work on your relationship by removing some of the stressors. This part seems easy to me. Dedicate a chair or something in the bedroom where he can throw/pile up his clothes. That's his space to do with what he wants. Not your responsibility. Don't be passive aggressive about it by 'not cleaning up after him' and letting the house turn into a pigsty because that will just cause more fights. Why not just get a cleaner? Tell him that if he's not happy to pay for a cleaner then he needs to do his half of the housework. His choice, but you are not a maid and you shouldn't have to be solely responsible for a clean house. 

Not passive aggressive, simply aggressive. Much more effective.

Bubblegum5586

GilliC said:

As for the physical affection issue, that's another thing you could discuss in couples counseling, but it sounds like you have different love languages. When you've both gotten over this laundry thing, you and your H should both go take this quiz. The book isn't bad (slight Christian slant, but not terrible), but the main point is just recognizing that you may express your affection in different ways that the other isn't recognizing. It's a useful concept.

I highly recommend this book. Before we were even engaged and started living together we went through a rough patch and this book was recommended to me. H and I have 2 different languages to show our love (I am acts of service while H is physical touch). Once I understood this (then explained to him because he didn't want to read it) it made a world of difference! It helps when you understand what the other needs/wants and when they are displaying their love.

TarponMonoxide

He is like this because you willingly signed on for it:

I just don't know what to do anymore.   We both work full-time, stressful jobs.  However, I am the only one who cleans around the house.  In our two years of marriage, my husband has never cleaned the bathroom, mopped the floor, done all the laundry, etc.  Even asking him to take out the trash can be a hassle.  Sometimes I feel more like roommates than husband and wife due to the lack of affection in our marriage.  I believe that contributes to the issues we have with cleaning. 

I say let him steep in his own squallor.

Stop cooking "for him" -- only make a meal for yourself and when he goes "Where is mine?" Go "Get it yourself."

Do the same for his mess --- leave everything where he leaves it and tell him that if he wants clean clothes, clean glassware, clean this or that to do it himself. And that you are no longer his free ride for any of the preceding.

He needs counseling -- and to grow the hell up -- for that cold shoulder bullshit. Say what? He took all of his clothes and sulked??? What a b-a-b-y baby.