Grumpy Man

dani211

Hi Everyone,

My boyfriend (with whom I've lived for the last year) and I keep getting into horrible fights about the same thing. It only happens about once/month, but, when it does, it gets really ugly. Basically,he gets in a bad mood or is upset about something I've done (not big things but annoying things/mistakes) and then he deals with it by snapping at me and/or being sarcastic. For example, I ask him, "Do you know where the mailbox key is?" He replies, "I've told you A MILLION TIMES!" And he says it in this really irritating and obnoxious tone. Then, I get really mad that he's talking to me in that tone and yell at him. And then he gets mad at ME on top of all that and says he thinks his tone is completely justified because I've screwed something up or let him down somehow. I think he's being way too hard on me. He thinks I just need to develop a "thicker skin." Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this before?

MrsAshleyH10

These are "horrible fights"...?  From your mailbox key example, it sounds like a lack of organization, communication, and respect.  This is one of those things where you just shouldn't engage--- walk away if he's irritated, don't yell at him or treat him like a child (scolding his tone, etc.). 

I'm curious as to how old you two are. It seems like you all have a lot of growing up to do (and it'll likely be individually as I can't see this relationship making it to the "next level"-- sorry, but I I have to be completely honest here).  Maybe you should sit down and talk about your concerns when you are both levelheaded and can focus entirely on what the other person has to say without judging. Maybe you should try counseling (either together or by yourself).

Good luck to you.

GilliC

dani211 said:

Hi Everyone,

My boyfriend (with whom I've lived for the last year) and I keep getting into horrible fights about the same thing. It only happens about once/month, but, when it does, it gets really ugly. Basically,he gets in a bad mood or is upset about something I've done (not big things but annoying things/mistakes) and then he deals with it by snapping at me and/or being sarcastic. For example, I ask him, "Do you know where the mailbox key is?" He replies, "I've told you A MILLION TIMES!" And he says it in this really irritating and obnoxious tone. Then, I get really mad that he's talking to me in that tone and yell at him. And then he gets mad at ME on top of all that and says he thinks his tone is completely justified because I've screwed something up or let him down somehow. I think he's being way too hard on me. He thinks I just need to develop a "thicker skin." Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this before?

You two have a serious communication problem. You need to find a way to fix it if you plan to have any kind of future together. I would suggest that you both sit down and discuss it (perhaps with a counselor, therapist, clergyman if you don't think you can have a calm objective discussion on your own) and find a way to fix it.

And honestly, if you can't fix it, it may be time to move on. If this is what happens over a set of keys, what's going to happen when a real issue comes along?

tiffanysbride

People get annoyed, you both have to get over it. You are both going to snap at each other, it happens when you live together. There is a difference between snapping or being short when annoyed and belittling someone. You have to figure out which is occuring and act accordingly. Second, your response is wrong. You don't escalate something trivial by starting a fight. 

Example: Last night DH asked me a question about story time for DS, I was busy and it was a hard day, I snapped a response. My tone suggested that he was an idiot for not knowing the answer. Did DH yell at me? No. He moved on and read stories while I finished what I was doing. About 10 minutes later I told him I was sorry for biting his head off. We moved on. 

Sometimes no one apologies.  You have to let the things go that aren't important but apologize/communicate about the things that are. Figure out why something bothers you, what is it about his tone that sets you off? Get to the root of the issue. It isn't that his tone is annoying you, annoyances don't make people yell back. 

TarponMonoxide

dani211 said:

Hi Everyone,

My boyfriend (with whom I've lived for the last year) and I keep getting into horrible fights about the same thing. It only happens about once/month, but, when it does, it gets really ugly. Basically,he gets in a bad mood or is upset about something I've done (not big things but annoying things/mistakes) and then he deals with it by snapping at me and/or being sarcastic. For example, I ask him, "Do you know where the mailbox key is?" He replies, "I've told you A MILLION TIMES!" And he says it in this really irritating and obnoxious tone. Then, I get really mad that he's talking to me in that tone and yell at him. And then he gets mad at ME on top of all that and says he thinks his tone is completely justified because I've screwed something up or let him down somehow. I think he's being way too hard on me. He thinks I just need to develop a "thicker skin." Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this before?

If he is this combative, divisive and childish, why do you need him at all???

I wouldn't waste one more moment on a "relationship" like this one. Find a guy who can handle day to day life. This boyfriend you've got right now cannot.

Mrs.Rad888

dani211 said:

Hi Everyone,

My boyfriend (with whom I've lived for the last year) and I keep getting into horrible fights about the same thing. It only happens about once/month, but, when it does, it gets really ugly. Basically,he gets in a bad mood or is upset about something I've done (not big things but annoying things/mistakes) and then he deals with it by snapping at me and/or being sarcastic. For example, I ask him, "Do you know where the mailbox key is?" He replies, "I've told you A MILLION TIMES!" And he says it in this really irritating and obnoxious tone. Then, I get really mad that he's talking to me in that tone and yell at him. And then he gets mad at ME on top of all that and says he thinks his tone is completely justified because I've screwed something up or let him down somehow. I think he's being way too hard on me. He thinks I just need to develop a "thicker skin." Has anyone ever dealt with anything like this before?

Am I the only one seeing the beginnings of an abusive relationship here?