Advice needed: am I crazy, or is what my husband doing inappropriate?

ihasham

Hi!

This is my first time writing on a message board, so please be patient with me. 

I've been married for 4 1/2 years and I think we have a healthy marriage- not perfect but we both love each other immensely. There is one problem that I've been experiencing for a while now, and I can't figure out if I'm crazy, or justified in how I feel. My husband occasionally (once or twice a month) likes to visit his friends and spend the night. He doesn't see his friends often, and doesn't seem to have a solid group where we currently live, so he likes to drive to his hometown and relive his youth with his childhood friends (all but one are bachelors). 

I honestly get it. He really likes to hang out with his friends and right now we don't have any children, so he doesn't think it's a big deal to go out once or twice a month (leave around 7:00 pm; eta @ around 2:00 pm the next day). But every time he comes back, I feel upset. Maybe it's jealousy- I don't have the type of friendship he has, and I'm almost always at home alone watching Netflix while he's out. Or maybe I think it it's a little weird that he's almost 30 years old and he can't visit his friends and leave the same day. 

We are pretty big on communication, so we are very clear on where we stand- he doesn't think it's a big deal, and seeing his friends is important to him, and I get pissed/depressed when he leaves. But alas- we can't come up with a compromise. 

Please help me. Am I being unreasonable? Or is this situation weird? 

P.S. this isn't a Brokeback Mountain situation, he's just a man-child. 

Leftie22

I can see both sides on this, but unless something unseemly is happening at these friend gatherings, I think you're being a little unfair. For one thing, I assume they probably drink when they get together, right? So that means your H has to either stay sober to drive home at night, or stay over. If he's drinking, he's choosing the safer option by staying there overnight, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to drive drunk just so he'd be home at 2am instead of 2pm, would you? And you can't blame him for the fact that you're sitting home alone being bored. Do something fun while he's gone! Or just force yourself to get out for a bit, even if it's by yourself. Go look around at the mall, go have coffee out somewhere and bring a book, or call up some friends and get together! Your husband can't be your only source of entertainment, it's just too much pressure to put on one person. Think about things you liked to do before you met him, and go do some of them! Or, if you must stay home, eat something you love and watch a show that your H wouldn't want to watch if he was home. Do something with your alone time to make it enjoyable. Of course, if there's something fishy going on while your H is away, that changes things, but you didn't mention anything you're jealous of in particular. I hope you take hold of your alone time!

TarponMonoxide

ihasham said:

Hi!

This is my first time writing on a message board, so please be patient with me. 

I've been married for 4 1/2 years and I think we have a healthy marriage- not perfect but we both love each other immensely. There is one problem that I've been experiencing for a while now, and I can't figure out if I'm crazy, or justified in how I feel. My husband occasionally (once or twice a month) likes to visit his friends and spend the night. He doesn't see his friends often, and doesn't seem to have a solid group where we currently live, so he likes to drive to his hometown and relive his youth with his childhood friends (all but one are bachelors). 

I honestly get it. He really likes to hang out with his friends and right now we don't have any children, so he doesn't think it's a big deal to go out once or twice a month (leave around 7:00 pm; eta @ around 2:00 pm the next day). But every time he comes back, I feel upset. Maybe it's jealousy- I don't have the type of friendship he has, and I'm almost always at home alone watching Netflix while he's out. Or maybe I think it it's a little weird that he's almost 30 years old and he can't visit his friends and leave the same day. 

We are pretty big on communication, so we are very clear on where we stand- he doesn't think it's a big deal, and seeing his friends is important to him, and I get pissed/depressed when he leaves. But alas- we can't come up with a compromise. 

Please help me. Am I being unreasonable? Or is this situation weird? 

P.S. this isn't a Brokeback Mountain situation, he's just a man-child. 

What the thing is here: for some reason this upsets you --- and since it's already causing arguments and getting you upset, I think he needs to cut out the overnight visits.

Let him meet up with his friends maybe once a month, at a locale all of them can drive to with not much of a haul.

That's my solution to the whole problem.

BlueBirdMB

I agree that the overnight thing seems ridiculous.  He's a grown man- there is no reason why he needs to have sleepovers.  If he's drinking too much, then he can forgo drinking to come home to his wife.  It's truly that simple.

BlueBirdMB

Leftie22 said:

I can see both sides on this, but unless something unseemly is happening at these friend gatherings, I think you're being a little unfair. For one thing, I assume they probably drink when they get together, right? So that means your H has to either stay sober to drive home at night, or stay over. If he's drinking, he's choosing the safer option by staying there overnight, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to drive drunk just so he'd be home at 2am instead of 2pm, would you? And you can't blame him for the fact that you're sitting home alone being bored. Do something fun while he's gone! Or just force yourself to get out for a bit, even if it's by yourself. Go look around at the mall, go have coffee out somewhere and bring a book, or call up some friends and get together! Your husband can't be your only source of entertainment, it's just too much pressure to put on one person. Think about things you liked to do before you met him, and go do some of them! Or, if you must stay home, eat something you love and watch a show that your H wouldn't want to watch if he was home. Do something with your alone time to make it enjoyable. Of course, if there's something fishy going on while your H is away, that changes things, but you didn't mention anything you're jealous of in particular. I hope you take hold of your alone time!

He is a grown man with self control.  He can stop drinking and sober up to come home to his wife.  Nobody NEEDS to drink so much that they can't drive home a few hours later.

GilliC

BlueBirdMB said:

Leftie22 said:

I can see both sides on this, but unless something unseemly is happening at these friend gatherings, I think you're being a little unfair. For one thing, I assume they probably drink when they get together, right? So that means your H has to either stay sober to drive home at night, or stay over. If he's drinking, he's choosing the safer option by staying there overnight, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to drive drunk just so he'd be home at 2am instead of 2pm, would you? And you can't blame him for the fact that you're sitting home alone being bored. Do something fun while he's gone! Or just force yourself to get out for a bit, even if it's by yourself. Go look around at the mall, go have coffee out somewhere and bring a book, or call up some friends and get together! Your husband can't be your only source of entertainment, it's just too much pressure to put on one person. Think about things you liked to do before you met him, and go do some of them! Or, if you must stay home, eat something you love and watch a show that your H wouldn't want to watch if he was home. Do something with your alone time to make it enjoyable. Of course, if there's something fishy going on while your H is away, that changes things, but you didn't mention anything you're jealous of in particular. I hope you take hold of your alone time!

He is a grown man with self control.  He can stop drinking and sober up to come home to his wife.  Nobody NEEDS to drink so much that they can't drive home a few hours later.

It's true that nobody NEEDS to drink, but I'm not on board with your "few hours later" comment. I live in a zero-tolerance area, where you literally cannot have a single drink after 7pm and be legally allowed to drive by 2am. I fully support him not driving home.

GilliC

That said, I think that once or twice a month is a bit excessive. Yes, you should do something more fun with your time, but you only get about 4 weekends per month, so he's currently using 25-50% of them to hang out somewhere else? That seems like too much to me. I'd explain how you're feeling and ask if he could cut back to once every month or two.

Also, have you considered going with him?

Disneygeek77

Yeah twice a month is a bit much.  I would ask that he cut it down to once a month or every 6 weeks.

Bubblegum5586

If H is going to hang out with his friends I prefer he spends the night, knowing there has been drinking. I look at times like that as an opportunity to get out and have some girl time whether with friends or family. Try and make plans while he's gone and you might start to enjoy those nights instead of resenting them. I will also turn my visits into sleepovers too with my GFs or sister (because I would hate being home alone every time).

ETA: We have been married 8 months, living together 4 1/2 years and dating 8 1/2 years)

chrisnjay05212010

Twice a month might be a bit much, i would probably be more comfortable with once a month. I would prefer he stay overnight. Better for him to be smart and stay over if he has had some drinks or is tired than risk it.  I agree that i would also use this time to my advantage for a girls night!

BlueBirdMB

GilliC said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Leftie22 said:

I can see both sides on this, but unless something unseemly is happening at these friend gatherings, I think you're being a little unfair. For one thing, I assume they probably drink when they get together, right? So that means your H has to either stay sober to drive home at night, or stay over. If he's drinking, he's choosing the safer option by staying there overnight, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to drive drunk just so he'd be home at 2am instead of 2pm, would you? And you can't blame him for the fact that you're sitting home alone being bored. Do something fun while he's gone! Or just force yourself to get out for a bit, even if it's by yourself. Go look around at the mall, go have coffee out somewhere and bring a book, or call up some friends and get together! Your husband can't be your only source of entertainment, it's just too much pressure to put on one person. Think about things you liked to do before you met him, and go do some of them! Or, if you must stay home, eat something you love and watch a show that your H wouldn't want to watch if he was home. Do something with your alone time to make it enjoyable. Of course, if there's something fishy going on while your H is away, that changes things, but you didn't mention anything you're jealous of in particular. I hope you take hold of your alone time!

He is a grown man with self control.  He can stop drinking and sober up to come home to his wife.  Nobody NEEDS to drink so much that they can't drive home a few hours later.

It's true that nobody NEEDS to drink, but I'm not on board with your "few hours later" comment. I live in a zero-tolerance area, where you literally cannot have a single drink after 7pm and be legally allowed to drive by 2am. I fully support him not driving home.

Personally I think that's absurd, but if that's the case (I think all states are .08 though…), then he can not drink.  He should do whatever he needs to do to be with his wife.

Leftie22

I don't drive after drinking at all, which is why I would always advocate staying over if my husband was drinking. Plus, I haven't met too many people who were good and gauging whether or not they were safe to drive after they'd been drinking. If you add the pressure of having an angry wife, I can see her husband pushing himself to drive home over the limit to avoid a big fight. I'm sure some people can drink a few and then drive, but I wouldn't do it and I'd much rather my DH didn't either.

GilliC

BlueBirdMB said:

GilliC said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Leftie22 said:

I can see both sides on this, but unless something unseemly is happening at these friend gatherings, I think you're being a little unfair. For one thing, I assume they probably drink when they get together, right? So that means your H has to either stay sober to drive home at night, or stay over. If he's drinking, he's choosing the safer option by staying there overnight, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to drive drunk just so he'd be home at 2am instead of 2pm, would you? And you can't blame him for the fact that you're sitting home alone being bored. Do something fun while he's gone! Or just force yourself to get out for a bit, even if it's by yourself. Go look around at the mall, go have coffee out somewhere and bring a book, or call up some friends and get together! Your husband can't be your only source of entertainment, it's just too much pressure to put on one person. Think about things you liked to do before you met him, and go do some of them! Or, if you must stay home, eat something you love and watch a show that your H wouldn't want to watch if he was home. Do something with your alone time to make it enjoyable. Of course, if there's something fishy going on while your H is away, that changes things, but you didn't mention anything you're jealous of in particular. I hope you take hold of your alone time!

He is a grown man with self control.  He can stop drinking and sober up to come home to his wife.  Nobody NEEDS to drink so much that they can't drive home a few hours later.

It's true that nobody NEEDS to drink, but I'm not on board with your "few hours later" comment. I live in a zero-tolerance area, where you literally cannot have a single drink after 7pm and be legally allowed to drive by 2am. I fully support him not driving home.

Personally I think that's absurd, but if that's the case (I think all states are .08 though…), then he can not drink.  He should do whatever he needs to do to be with his wife.

You think it's absurd to restrict people from driving at all after drinking? No one NEEDS to drive after they've been drinking.

And people who've been drinking probably aren't the best judges of their own BAC. Especially since it can be affected by so many variables.

doeydo

OP, are you worried that he is having an affair or something?

tiffanysbride

It bothers you so it is a problem. It would be one thing if staying over were a rare occurrence b/c he could not drive but even once a month is too much IMO. He's an adult, plan accordingly. A weekend away with friends is different from twice monthly overnight visits. From a male perspective, a few of DH's work friends do this often and he finds it odd. Clearly it is okay with some people and not others. You guys have to find a balance. 

VOR

I think it's fine that he occasionally goes home to see his friends, and I think it's fine that he spends the night. The part that gives me pause is the twice a month thing. But let me ask this- does his going that often affect your plans? Do you all say "no" to local stuff because of this? If so, tthat's an issue. But if it's not actually getting in the way - I kind of feel "eh, let him do it while he can". However, that being said, I see nothing wrong w/ asking him to do it once a month.

Mrs.Rad888

BlueBirdMB said:

GilliC said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Leftie22 said:

I can see both sides on this, but unless something unseemly is happening at these friend gatherings, I think you're being a little unfair. For one thing, I assume they probably drink when they get together, right? So that means your H has to either stay sober to drive home at night, or stay over. If he's drinking, he's choosing the safer option by staying there overnight, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to drive drunk just so he'd be home at 2am instead of 2pm, would you? And you can't blame him for the fact that you're sitting home alone being bored. Do something fun while he's gone! Or just force yourself to get out for a bit, even if it's by yourself. Go look around at the mall, go have coffee out somewhere and bring a book, or call up some friends and get together! Your husband can't be your only source of entertainment, it's just too much pressure to put on one person. Think about things you liked to do before you met him, and go do some of them! Or, if you must stay home, eat something you love and watch a show that your H wouldn't want to watch if he was home. Do something with your alone time to make it enjoyable. Of course, if there's something fishy going on while your H is away, that changes things, but you didn't mention anything you're jealous of in particular. I hope you take hold of your alone time!

He is a grown man with self control.  He can stop drinking and sober up to come home to his wife.  Nobody NEEDS to drink so much that they can't drive home a few hours later.

It's true that nobody NEEDS to drink, but I'm not on board with your "few hours later" comment. I live in a zero-tolerance area, where you literally cannot have a single drink after 7pm and be legally allowed to drive by 2am. I fully support him not driving home.

Personally I think that's absurd, but if that's the case (I think all states are .08 though…), then he can not drink.  He should do whatever he needs to do to be with his wife.

.08 is the limit for DUI, but anything above .00 can be considered Driving While Impaired. Better safe than sorry, even if you've only had a single drink.

But it also sounds like you don't think that a married person should be spending time with anyone other than their spouse. So, people are expected to give up their friends when they get married? Or a married couple needs to be spending all their non-work hours together? It's actually important that everyone (married or not, parents or not) get some time on their own. Whether it's having a girl/guy's night out, or just an afternoon to get a pedicure, everyone needs that time by themselves to decompress.

I personally don't see a problem with OP's H staying with his friends as long as she's OK with it. You may feel differently. We get to set the rules in our own marriages.

OtterJ

Having sleepovers when you're a married adult does seem a tiny bit odd to me, but I wouldn't necessarily consider it inappropriate. 

Based on what information you've given, there are two things that seem concerning:
1.  Your husband knows that going out of town upsets you, and yet he frequently does it regardless.
2.  You know that going out of town is something your husband enjoys, yet you get upset when he does because you feel bored (and possibly abandoned?)

Even if he is being inappropriate, or even if you are being unreasonable, you really need to find a way to work this out.  His desires for a trip, and your anger when he leaves are both real, and they need to be addressed.  Hurt feelings and bitterness can well up, and start to cause unnecessary stress between the two of you. 

It's just an idea, but something that might help both situations (him leaving you; you not wanting him to leave) is for you to both make good friends in your area.  Possibly even couple friends, so you have the option of hanging out with your friends together.  Perhaps if he has close friends in town, he won't have such a great desire to leave so regularly.  And if you have close friends nearby, then maybe when he does leave (hopefully not at such a high frequency), you can find a way to enjoy your time without him. 

A suggestion that I think is often given, but rarely taken, is to go through couple's counseling.  A good counselor will help you realize the root of the problem if there is one.  Maybe you have some separation anxiety that you need to deal with, or maybe your man-child needs to learn how to let go of his past and learn to proceed into the future. 

If going to counseling sessions seems too daunting, there are some wonderful discussion/curriculum/marriage conference materials available.  Before we got married, my husband and I went to a Love & Respect conference by Eggerichs.  Our relationship was great beforehand, but it really helped us learn how to better communicate our love & respect for each other (a lot better).  The book The Five Love Languages by Chapman might be faith-based, but it's another good resource (If you express & feel love by spending quality time with someone....and he's giving his quality time to his friends.....that may be the cause of your anger/hurt when he leaves - and you two need to find a way to make up that missed quality time somehow).

Those are just ideas; what works for one couple won't necessarily work for the next.  Ultimately, you two are the only two people who can decide what is right, or healthy, or good for the two of you.  Nobody else has an opinion that really matters when it comes to your own marriage.

ihasham

Hi everyone, Thanks for all the feedback, I feel so much saner now! And it made me think about the situation more objectively. Him sleeping over is definitely a safety issue. A friend of his got into a bad accident when he drove home tired, so H tries to avoid it. He also sleeps over cause he likes to have breakfast with his dad (recently widowed) the next day, which I think is really nice of him. I definitely don't think H is having an affair, I just think he likes to spend time with his friends and the location/family easily encourages him to stay over. I like the idea of cutting the sleepovers (not visits) iback down to once a month or every 6 weeks and I told him that. Another compromise we made is that he would have his friends come out to where we live. I really don't want him to go cold turkey cause I like that he visits his dad, and I want him to have fun w/ his friends. And the suggestion of me converting the alone time to a positive opportunity is awesome! I really shouldn't stay home alone and be bored. Apologies if it came off like H didn't care that I was upset. He definitely did/does, but we both just had a difficult time understanding each other's perspective. Thanks everyone again for your feedback! It was immensely helpful!

chrisnjay05212010

ihasham said:

Hi everyone, Thanks for all the feedback, I feel so much saner now! And it made me think about the situation more objectively. Him sleeping over is definitely a safety issue. A friend of his got into a bad accident when he drove home tired, so H tries to avoid it. He also sleeps over cause he likes to have breakfast with his dad (recently widowed) the next day, which I think is really nice of him. I definitely don't think H is having an affair, I just think he likes to spend time with his friends and the location/family easily encourages him to stay over. I like the idea of cutting the sleepovers (not visits) iback down to once a month or every 6 weeks and I told him that. Another compromise we made is that he would have his friends come out to where we live. I really don't want him to go cold turkey cause I like that he visits his dad, and I want him to have fun w/ his friends. And the suggestion of me converting the alone time to a positive opportunity is awesome! I really shouldn't stay home alone and be bored. Apologies if it came off like H didn't care that I was upset. He definitely did/does, but we both just had a difficult time understanding each other's perspective. Thanks everyone again for your feedback! It was immensely helpful!

glad to hear it!!!  that is super sweet that he visits with his dad the next day!!  i love the idea of you guys having his friends over at your place once in a while.  And def enjoy your alone time!!! Even if you don't meet up with your friends for the night- have a fun night in at home- get junk food for dinner, eat ice cream, paint your nails and watch a chick flick.

Emmy1493

Hmm, I think if I were in your shoes, I would ask him to limit his time over there or sleepovers. Like other posters have suggested, just talk to him about it if this really bothers you. I mean, nothing can be fixed if it is not brought up, right?

If my Husband wanted to hang outwith his friends and drink while doing so, I honestly would want him to stay. I love my H and care about his safety more than my feelings of being alone. Maybe I just like me time as well. I agree that you don't HAVE to drink when hanging out, but I would not mind as long as he was somewhere safe and not on the roads driving.

When he is gone, do you make any plans to hang out with some of your friends? Maybe you can do a ladies night. Have some wine, snack foods, or even a homemade meal and rent a movie. You don't have to always be alone.

jtmh2012

To me this really seems more about the fact that you're home alone bored more so than him having fun with his buddies. I really second the above poster who said to use the time to hang out with your friends and use it for "me time" vs sitting around waiting for him to come home.

The only exception to this would be if your time together was lacking (ie. no other time to hand out together except the weekends).

defeateddoris

I wouldn't be comfortable with that.  But, its about what you want.  I would not want a relationship like that.  It sounds like you are not comfortable with it either.  You should talk about it.

sarahlaserena

ihasham said:

Hi everyone, Thanks for all the feedback, I feel so much saner now! And it made me think about the situation more objectively. Him sleeping over is definitely a safety issue. A friend of his got into a bad accident when he drove home tired, so H tries to avoid it. He also sleeps over cause he likes to have breakfast with his dad (recently widowed) the next day, which I think is really nice of him. I definitely don't think H is having an affair, I just think he likes to spend time with his friends and the location/family easily encourages him to stay over. I like the idea of cutting the sleepovers (not visits) iback down to once a month or every 6 weeks and I told him that. Another compromise we made is that he would have his friends come out to where we live. I really don't want him to go cold turkey cause I like that he visits his dad, and I want him to have fun w/ his friends. And the suggestion of me converting the alone time to a positive opportunity is awesome! I really shouldn't stay home alone and be bored. Apologies if it came off like H didn't care that I was upset. He definitely did/does, but we both just had a difficult time understanding each other's perspective. Thanks everyone again for your feedback! It was immensely helpful!

I agree with the others in that you might consider trying to curb your jealousy a little bit and try to compromise by either cutting it down to once a month, or have the guys over to your place once in a while. But, really, it's about him getting his man-time with his friends without the wives around, and if he's a man-child like you expressed, this is going to feel more "necessary" to him than it would to a well-matured man. 

If he's been drinking, it's okay for him to spend the night to avoid buzzed or tired driving. And especially since you say he goes to have breakfast with his dad? That's important father-son time, especially if his dad won't be around much longer. 

Maybe you can suggest that if he wants to see his dad more often, the whole family goes.

There are lots of ways you could juggle the situation so that he can get some of the man-time that he needs, and you don't feel left out or left behind, and lonely or bored. 

Good luck!

Ilumine

BlueBirdMB said:

GilliC said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Leftie22 said:

I can see both sides on this, but unless something unseemly is happening at these friend gatherings, I think you're being a little unfair. For one thing, I assume they probably drink when they get together, right? So that means your H has to either stay sober to drive home at night, or stay over. If he's drinking, he's choosing the safer option by staying there overnight, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to drive drunk just so he'd be home at 2am instead of 2pm, would you? And you can't blame him for the fact that you're sitting home alone being bored. Do something fun while he's gone! Or just force yourself to get out for a bit, even if it's by yourself. Go look around at the mall, go have coffee out somewhere and bring a book, or call up some friends and get together! Your husband can't be your only source of entertainment, it's just too much pressure to put on one person. Think about things you liked to do before you met him, and go do some of them! Or, if you must stay home, eat something you love and watch a show that your H wouldn't want to watch if he was home. Do something with your alone time to make it enjoyable. Of course, if there's something fishy going on while your H is away, that changes things, but you didn't mention anything you're jealous of in particular. I hope you take hold of your alone time!

He is a grown man with self control.  He can stop drinking and sober up to come home to his wife.  Nobody NEEDS to drink so much that they can't drive home a few hours later.

It's true that nobody NEEDS to drink, but I'm not on board with your "few hours later" comment. I live in a zero-tolerance area, where you literally cannot have a single drink after 7pm and be legally allowed to drive by 2am. I fully support him not driving home.

Personally I think that's absurd, but if that's the case (I think all states are .08 though…), then he can not drink.  He should do whatever he needs to do to be with his wife.

Wow, is that restrictive.   You really feel that a wife Or a husband cannot go 24 hours (or less0 hours out of 30 days without her/his spouse?  

And yes, I DO mean less than 24 hours because its not like this guy is leaving his house at 8am and not returning until the next 8am.  

If my husband told me that I was never allowed time away from US, I would RUN.  

rmusicus

I've been married twice. My second marriage is much different than my first. Why? Because I've learned a lot between the two.
1. The more you complain and argue and try to manipulate someone, the more they'll dig their feet in. What if he nagged you to stop doing something you love to do? How would that make you feel?

2. Get a life. I don't mean this is a nasty way
Make friends, find a hobby, read books, whatever floats your boat. In fact, make your life so rich and full that he'll be complaining about not seeing you as much as he would like.

I recommend two books -"The Rules" and "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk". The information in book 2 applies to kids and adults.

By the way, my 2nd marriage is to a man 8 years younger than me.

Good luck.

BlueBirdMB

Ilumine said:

BlueBirdMB said:

GilliC said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Leftie22 said:

I can see both sides on this, but unless something unseemly is happening at these friend gatherings, I think you're being a little unfair. For one thing, I assume they probably drink when they get together, right? So that means your H has to either stay sober to drive home at night, or stay over. If he's drinking, he's choosing the safer option by staying there overnight, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to drive drunk just so he'd be home at 2am instead of 2pm, would you? And you can't blame him for the fact that you're sitting home alone being bored. Do something fun while he's gone! Or just force yourself to get out for a bit, even if it's by yourself. Go look around at the mall, go have coffee out somewhere and bring a book, or call up some friends and get together! Your husband can't be your only source of entertainment, it's just too much pressure to put on one person. Think about things you liked to do before you met him, and go do some of them! Or, if you must stay home, eat something you love and watch a show that your H wouldn't want to watch if he was home. Do something with your alone time to make it enjoyable. Of course, if there's something fishy going on while your H is away, that changes things, but you didn't mention anything you're jealous of in particular. I hope you take hold of your alone time!

He is a grown man with self control.  He can stop drinking and sober up to come home to his wife.  Nobody NEEDS to drink so much that they can't drive home a few hours later.

It's true that nobody NEEDS to drink, but I'm not on board with your "few hours later" comment. I live in a zero-tolerance area, where you literally cannot have a single drink after 7pm and be legally allowed to drive by 2am. I fully support him not driving home.

Personally I think that's absurd, but if that's the case (I think all states are .08 though…), then he can not drink.  He should do whatever he needs to do to be with his wife.

Wow, is that restrictive.   You really feel that a wife Or a husband cannot go 24 hours (or less0 hours out of 30 days without her/his spouse?  

And yes, I DO mean less than 24 hours because its not like this guy is leaving his house at 8am and not returning until the next 8am.  

If my husband told me that I was never allowed time away from US, I would RUN.  

No my husband is gone most of the week for work.  I think it's silly to go out often with friends and spend the night with them.  He's not a teenager who has sleepovers.  I, like many who posted here, think it's odd that he wants to have sleepovers with his friends.  Why am I the one getting the flack here?  Also you can test at a 0 after one drink several hours later.  Perhaps he should only have one drink, wait, then drive home to his wife.  I certainly didn't suggest he drive under the influence- my words were greatly twisted.  No one suggested he drive home drunk, and no one suggested he wasn't allowed to go out with his friends.  Wow, everyone relax.

Ilumine

BlueBirdMB said:

Ilumine said:

BlueBirdMB said:

GilliC said:

BlueBirdMB said:

Leftie22 said:

I can see both sides on this, but unless something unseemly is happening at these friend gatherings, I think you're being a little unfair. For one thing, I assume they probably drink when they get together, right? So that means your H has to either stay sober to drive home at night, or stay over. If he's drinking, he's choosing the safer option by staying there overnight, and I'm sure you wouldn't want him to drive drunk just so he'd be home at 2am instead of 2pm, would you? And you can't blame him for the fact that you're sitting home alone being bored. Do something fun while he's gone! Or just force yourself to get out for a bit, even if it's by yourself. Go look around at the mall, go have coffee out somewhere and bring a book, or call up some friends and get together! Your husband can't be your only source of entertainment, it's just too much pressure to put on one person. Think about things you liked to do before you met him, and go do some of them! Or, if you must stay home, eat something you love and watch a show that your H wouldn't want to watch if he was home. Do something with your alone time to make it enjoyable. Of course, if there's something fishy going on while your H is away, that changes things, but you didn't mention anything you're jealous of in particular. I hope you take hold of your alone time!

He is a grown man with self control.  He can stop drinking and sober up to come home to his wife.  Nobody NEEDS to drink so much that they can't drive home a few hours later.

It's true that nobody NEEDS to drink, but I'm not on board with your "few hours later" comment. I live in a zero-tolerance area, where you literally cannot have a single drink after 7pm and be legally allowed to drive by 2am. I fully support him not driving home.

Personally I think that's absurd, but if that's the case (I think all states are .08 though…), then he can not drink.  He should do whatever he needs to do to be with his wife.

Wow, is that restrictive.   You really feel that a wife Or a husband cannot go 24 hours (or less0 hours out of 30 days without her/his spouse?  

And yes, I DO mean less than 24 hours because its not like this guy is leaving his house at 8am and not returning until the next 8am.  

If my husband told me that I was never allowed time away from US, I would RUN.  

No my husband is gone most of the week for work.  I think it's silly to go out often with friends and spend the night with them.  He's not a teenager who has sleepovers.  I, like many who posted here, think it's odd that he wants to have sleepovers with his friends.  Why am I the one getting the flack here?  Also you can test at a 0 after one drink several hours later.  Perhaps he should only have one drink, wait, then drive home to his wife.  I certainly didn't suggest he drive under the influence- my words were greatly twisted.  No one suggested he drive home drunk, and no one suggested he wasn't allowed to go out with his friends.  Wow, everyone relax.

So oh wise one...taking the frequency of the OP's husband out of the equation...please tell me what the difference between hanging with the guys around town is vs say...Girls Weekends or Guys Golf Trips? 

Is it the fact that they LEAVE the area that makes less silly?  Is it the fact that one requires some excess planning and tons of money?