.

armymeg143

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BlueBirdMB

I'm 25.  I couldn't dream of already being married, having my husband cheat, and have 2 children already.  You need to slow down and take a breath- it sounds like you haven't had to time to think anything out.

Children do not solve marital issues.  I repeat, children do NOT solve marital issues.  In fact, if there are issues, I'd imagine a child would make it much worse.

So let me get this straight.  He:

1. Has cheated before

2. Works 13 hour days and never checks in

What the hell makes you think he isn't having an affair now?

You cannot fix anything alone . If he won't listen and refuses to work on this marriage, then he gave up, not you.  You cannot have a marriage with only one person working.

TarponMonoxide

armymeg143 said:

After a rollercoaster relationship with my DH, we've successfully made it to 5 years of marriage, home ownership, two babies (22 mos and 8 mos), and financial stability.

This sounds like quite the ride.

From the outside looking in, we have nothing short of a perfect life together. But I feel like it's all just a deceiving mirage. We USED to be best friends and could always count on one another for a good laugh.. He even offered me to be a stay at home mom as soon as we found out I was pregnant. I gleefully accepted thinking this was EXACTLY what I wanted in life. The first few months were tough due to an emergency surgery I had at 12 weeks of pregnancy, but the second and third trimester were downright miserable. On top of the normal emotions of pregnancy, I found out my husband had been having an affair with a coworker for months!

What did you do when you found out about the affair?

And was this problem worked on AND resolved....to your satisfaction?

This means willingly participating in therapy on your H's part and this means trust being rebuilt.

The only thing that kept me going was my unborn son. Fast forward a few months & we decided to work things out. We went through a whole month of being happy and makeup sex when things got back to where they were.

Where's the counseling? and where's the trust being rebuilt?

You have an unresolved issue that somehow got a band aid stuck to it.

We found out shortly after that we were expecting our second. After everything we had just survived, I thought it was best to not go through with this pregnancy (at this point, I was still barely hanging on by a string emotionally). He convinced me that this was a blessing and the cure to all of our marital issues.

This is where he was in dream land.

I hesitantly went with my husband's instincts, trusting him in that this would help bring us close again. I was thinking we got a whole do-over to enjoy pregnancy together. BOY WAS I WRONG!

You went with HIS instincts???

What about YOURS?????

Fast forward to where we are now.. He chooses to work extra long hours (7am-8pm), he doesn't call to check in during the day, and the only time he pays any attention to me is when he wants to get frisky. I feel like we are nothing more than perfect strangers. He turns to me when he needs something (9/10 work related), but he is NEVER there for me when I need him. I've tried talking to him about how unhappy I am and I've given him 3 years and countless reminders of what I need as his wife, but he's always put his job a priority over his family. All that aside, he's a good person & a great dad (when he's around).. but as far as he and I are concerned, there really isn't anything here except ignored needs.

I hate to be another statistic of failed marriage at 25, but I am at my breaking point. I love my husband more than anything in the world, but the harder I try to fix this, the further he drifts away from me. I hate to waste anymore time on someone who hardly recognizes my existence. Anyone out there see these feelings as unreasonable? Or are they justified? Any suggestions to save my dying marriage? Should I just leave? HELP!!

As I said, there is an unresolved issue here: his affair. You simply cannot ignore the problem or "get happy" and think it will go away.

Anything can be happening here, other than the time he spends at his job being a problem to you.

You need to sit down and talk to him, at length, and discuss everything. He needs to work on this with you --- anythign can be happening; maybe he's having another affair or maybe he's emotionally dropped out of the marriage; I don't know.

Talk to him, asap. And then YOU take it from there, according to YOUR instincts this time. GL.

VOR

armymeg143 said:

he's a good person & a great dad

I love my husband more than anything in the world,

Huh & why?

I never understand posts like this.  "Here's why my DH is an ass.  OH BUT WAIT!!!!  He's a good person otherwise!!!!".

WTF?  NO - a "good person" doesn't cheat, doesn't ignore his wife, doesn't avoid going home.  He is NOT a "good person".  Stop deluding yourself.

And really- no, he's not a "great" dad.  Showing up when he feels like it and probably putting in minimal effort with the kids so so so so does NOT make a "great" dad. 

Again- STOP DELUDING YOURSELF. 

And really ask yourself why you love him "more than anything" in the world, when clearly he doesn't feel the same about you OR your kids.  When he ignores you.  When he cheats on you.  How on earth does he DESERVE all this adoration from you?

Disneygeek77

VOR said:

armymeg143 said:

he's a good person & a great dad

I love my husband more than anything in the world,

Huh & why?

I never understand posts like this.  "Here's why my DH is an ass.  OH BUT WAIT!!!!  He's a good person otherwise!!!!".

WTF?  NO - a "good person" doesn't cheat, doesn't ignore his wife, doesn't avoid going home.  He is NOT a "good person".  Stop deluding yourself.

And really- no, he's not a "great" dad.  Showing up when he feels like it and probably putting in minimal effort with the kids so so so so does NOT make a "great" dad. 

Again- STOP DELUDING YOURSELF. 

And really ask yourself why you love him "more than anything" in the world, when clearly he doesn't feel the same about you OR your kids.  When he ignores you.  When he cheats on you.  How on earth does he DESERVE all this adoration from you?

I can't agree with this enough.  You have incredibly low standards for what makes a good man and a great dad.  Incredibly low.  A good person doesn't act like this, they just don't.

Also to go along with what Tarpon said,  did you go to counseling when you found out about the affair ?  Did he do anything to rebuild your trust ?  Because according to you the only thing you guys did to heal your marriage was make up sex.  

At the very least I would insist upon a good marriage counselor and possibly an individual one for you because it sounds like you have some very difficult decisions to make.  

GilliC

I divorced a "great guy." We weren't making each other happy, and we didn't have a healthy relationship. I would have sworn up and down that he was a good guy and still might say that, but you know what? The more distance I have from him, the more I realize that while he had good qualities and I loved him very much, he wasn't a good guy. At least not to me.

Ignore the statistics and the naysayers and do what makes you happy. Staying in an unhappy, unhealthy marriage isn't helping anyone, and it's setting a very bad example for your children. Do you want them to grow up and model their own marriages after yours?

There is nothing wrong with ending things. There is everything wrong with trying to stick it out for bad reasons.

TarponMonoxide

TarponMonoxide said:

armymeg143 said:

After a rollercoaster relationship with my DH, we've successfully made it to 5 years of marriage, home ownership, two babies (22 mos and 8 mos), and financial stability.

This sounds like quite the ride.

From the outside looking in, we have nothing short of a perfect life together. But I feel like it's all just a deceiving mirage. We USED to be best friends and could always count on one another for a good laugh.. He even offered me to be a stay at home mom as soon as we found out I was pregnant. I gleefully accepted thinking this was EXACTLY what I wanted in life. The first few months were tough due to an emergency surgery I had at 12 weeks of pregnancy, but the second and third trimester were downright miserable. On top of the normal emotions of pregnancy, I found out my husband had been having an affair with a coworker for months!

What did you do when you found out about the affair?

And was this problem worked on AND resolved....to your satisfaction?

This means willingly participating in therapy on your H's part and this means trust being rebuilt.

The only thing that kept me going was my unborn son. Fast forward a few months & we decided to work things out. We went through a whole month of being happy and makeup sex when things got back to where they were.

Where's the counseling? and where's the trust being rebuilt?

You have an unresolved issue that somehow got a band aid stuck to it.

We found out shortly after that we were expecting our second. After everything we had just survived, I thought it was best to not go through with this pregnancy (at this point, I was still barely hanging on by a string emotionally). He convinced me that this was a blessing and the cure to all of our marital issues.

This is where he was in dream land.

I hesitantly went with my husband's instincts, trusting him in that this would help bring us close again. I was thinking we got a whole do-over to enjoy pregnancy together. BOY WAS I WRONG!

You went with HIS instincts???

What about YOURS?????

Fast forward to where we are now.. He chooses to work extra long hours (7am-8pm), he doesn't call to check in during the day, and the only time he pays any attention to me is when he wants to get frisky. I feel like we are nothing more than perfect strangers. He turns to me when he needs something (9/10 work related), but he is NEVER there for me when I need him. I've tried talking to him about how unhappy I am and I've given him 3 years and countless reminders of what I need as his wife, but he's always put his job a priority over his family. All that aside, he's a good person & a great dad (when he's around).. but as far as he and I are concerned, there really isn't anything here except ignored needs.

I hate to be another statistic of failed marriage at 25, but I am at my breaking point. I love my husband more than anything in the world, but the harder I try to fix this, the further he drifts away from me. I hate to waste anymore time on someone who hardly recognizes my existence. Anyone out there see these feelings as unreasonable? Or are they justified? Any suggestions to save my dying marriage? Should I just leave? HELP!!

As I said, there is an unresolved issue here: his affair. You simply cannot ignore the problem or "get happy" and think it will go away.

Anything can be happening here, other than the time he spends at his job being a problem to you.

You need to sit down and talk to him, at length, and discuss everything. He needs to work on this with you --- anythign can be happening; maybe he's having another affair or maybe he's emotionally dropped out of the marriage; I don't know.

Talk to him, asap. And then YOU take it from there, according to YOUR instincts this time. GL.

There ain't no sense in deleting --- because I already pulled your post and quoted it.

WHY are you deleting???? This isn't cool --- plus maybe there are some other people who would like to offer you valuable advice.

Get rid of him, is what I think.

he's emotionally checked out of marriage and he was never into you, or marriage, being he had an affair. Once a cheater always one. Sorry.