Family Matters
myhart15
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
lacking baby fever, but want it? maybe? (long debate)
To have or baby, or not have a baby - that is the question.
It's a toughie. Just celebrated 3 years married (12 since we started dating). My husband was ready on our wedding day. I was not. I fluctuated with the idea of a baby, probably about 2 years ago. Not full on baby fever, maybe baby hot flash. I've put the idea on the back-burner and just don't have a desire right now. DH and I both got promotions in the last year, so schedules have been stretched and our time together is limited. Not ideal to start a family (or even raise a family, for that matter).
I left a large office to work in a new department alone (1-woman show), and I think my lack of socialization with other women may have put the idea of a baby even further into the back of my mind. A close friend of mine in my old office and I used to talk about getting pregnant together. Since I've been gone, her pregnancy has come and gone and she has beautiful little girl. I honestly think that if I stayed in my old office and watched her pregancy progress, that I would've had baby fever by month 5. But I didn't, and I don't.
Disclosure: while we are not trying, we are not preventing, either. Also, I have some medical issues and 2 years ago switched to pregnancy-safes meds, just in case. (Crazy work schedules doesn't exactly leave much time for romance anyways, but that's another topic)
Additionally, I have aging parents, with deteriorating health. I want to make them grandparents before it is too late. :-( I know this may not be a valid reason, but part of me think that I am selfish for waiting. "Time is of the essence." "Tomorrow is not guaranteed." "There is never a perfect time." -All valid points but I have this overwhelming LACK of baby fever that keeps me from doing anything.
I can argue this in my head on both sides. But I'm hoping some of you can weigh in.
Pro Baby: I'm 28, don't want to be OLD parents. My parents are mid-60s now. If I wait much longer, they may not be around, or healthy enough to enjoy their first grandchild (my siblings have no intention of procreating). I want to enjoy a full family. I always wanted kids, and I wanted them in my early twenties. Early twenties have come and gone, so what am I waiting for? Jump! I also (maybe naively) believe that if a grandchild is in the picture, that it can 'will' my father into better health. (He'll take his health more seriously, he'll have a reason to smile, it'll motivate him to stay around). We know he has numbered days...
Another (probably terrible-sounding) reason - to make DH happy. (He really wants one, and I'm on the fence, so logically I want to lean towards him. He had baby fever since we got married, but hit him really hard when he turned 30 last year. It's dwindled down and he's thinking more practically about it now.) He's get depressed episodes sometimes, and I just want him to be happy.
BIOLOGY. I learned that about 90% of your eggs by the time you hit 30. What?! I'm closing in on 10%! That's it? TMI-alert - I got my period at 10yrs. I've already wasted 18 years of eggs? I better get on with it!
No Baby: LACK of baby fever. Just no desire right now. I had a bit before, and I wish I had it now - but nothing.
"Why rush?" Wait until you're ready.
I want to get a masters degree and have put it off because my schedule has always felt too overwhelming. Add in a baby and I'm afraid I'll never get back to school (not because of the baby, but I think I will lose my desire). Although I'm not worried about money, I don't think that we can handle it right now. We are in a 3rd floor walk-up (old victorian 3-family house). I can't bear to walk all those stairs now. I don't think that I'll last 9 month with 30 more pounds on me. And there is no way that I have arm strength to carry a car-seat with baby plus baby bag etc. I'd have to take a break mid-flight. (dream would be a house, but we can't afford one in the near future.) Finding a 1st, or even 2nd floor walk-up might sound like a solution, but we have such low rent in a decent part of town, with nice landlords, that it's not worth leaving. (am I selfish for not wanting to carry my future child up and down 3 flights? Also, no washer/dryer - I don;t want to wash my baby items at a laundromat (call me a snob, idc).
I could go on forever... Any advice? Comments? encouragement? Empathy? I'll take anything.
Also - I am moderately religious, and mostly I pray for guidance.. because I don't know what to do.
It's a toughie. Just celebrated 3 years married (12 since we started dating). My husband was ready on our wedding day. I was not. I fluctuated with the idea of a baby, probably about 2 years ago. Not full on baby fever, maybe baby hot flash. I've put the idea on the back-burner and just don't have a desire right now. DH and I both got promotions in the last year, so schedules have been stretched and our time together is limited. Not ideal to start a family (or even raise a family, for that matter).
I left a large office to work in a new department alone (1-woman show), and I think my lack of socialization with other women may have put the idea of a baby even further into the back of my mind. A close friend of mine in my old office and I used to talk about getting pregnant together. Since I've been gone, her pregnancy has come and gone and she has beautiful little girl. I honestly think that if I stayed in my old office and watched her pregancy progress, that I would've had baby fever by month 5. But I didn't, and I don't.
Disclosure: while we are not trying, we are not preventing, either. Also, I have some medical issues and 2 years ago switched to pregnancy-safes meds, just in case. (Crazy work schedules doesn't exactly leave much time for romance anyways, but that's another topic)
Additionally, I have aging parents, with deteriorating health. I want to make them grandparents before it is too late. :-( I know this may not be a valid reason, but part of me think that I am selfish for waiting. "Time is of the essence." "Tomorrow is not guaranteed." "There is never a perfect time." -All valid points but I have this overwhelming LACK of baby fever that keeps me from doing anything.
I can argue this in my head on both sides. But I'm hoping some of you can weigh in.
Pro Baby: I'm 28, don't want to be OLD parents. My parents are mid-60s now. If I wait much longer, they may not be around, or healthy enough to enjoy their first grandchild (my siblings have no intention of procreating). I want to enjoy a full family. I always wanted kids, and I wanted them in my early twenties. Early twenties have come and gone, so what am I waiting for? Jump! I also (maybe naively) believe that if a grandchild is in the picture, that it can 'will' my father into better health. (He'll take his health more seriously, he'll have a reason to smile, it'll motivate him to stay around). We know he has numbered days...
Another (probably terrible-sounding) reason - to make DH happy. (He really wants one, and I'm on the fence, so logically I want to lean towards him. He had baby fever since we got married, but hit him really hard when he turned 30 last year. It's dwindled down and he's thinking more practically about it now.) He's get depressed episodes sometimes, and I just want him to be happy.
BIOLOGY. I learned that about 90% of your eggs by the time you hit 30. What?! I'm closing in on 10%! That's it? TMI-alert - I got my period at 10yrs. I've already wasted 18 years of eggs? I better get on with it!
No Baby: LACK of baby fever. Just no desire right now. I had a bit before, and I wish I had it now - but nothing.
"Why rush?" Wait until you're ready.
I want to get a masters degree and have put it off because my schedule has always felt too overwhelming. Add in a baby and I'm afraid I'll never get back to school (not because of the baby, but I think I will lose my desire). Although I'm not worried about money, I don't think that we can handle it right now. We are in a 3rd floor walk-up (old victorian 3-family house). I can't bear to walk all those stairs now. I don't think that I'll last 9 month with 30 more pounds on me. And there is no way that I have arm strength to carry a car-seat with baby plus baby bag etc. I'd have to take a break mid-flight. (dream would be a house, but we can't afford one in the near future.) Finding a 1st, or even 2nd floor walk-up might sound like a solution, but we have such low rent in a decent part of town, with nice landlords, that it's not worth leaving. (am I selfish for not wanting to carry my future child up and down 3 flights? Also, no washer/dryer - I don;t want to wash my baby items at a laundromat (call me a snob, idc).
I could go on forever... Any advice? Comments? encouragement? Empathy? I'll take anything.
Also - I am moderately religious, and mostly I pray for guidance.. because I don't know what to do.
Re: lacking baby fever, but want it? maybe? (long debate)
Also, people have babies who don't have baby fever. I'm one of them. I've never had a burning desire to have kids. I knew I wanted a child, but it wasn't a "fever". not even close.
Lastly, trust me, you build up strength with a child. You do. I'm a LOT stronger now than I was 5 years ago.
ALl that being said - no one here can give you the answer. you need to do some real soul searching and decide if you really want kids or not. If you DO, don't rush it, though. You're right - it will be a lot harder to go back to school if you have a kid! You're ONLY 28. You do have some time on your side. If you want to wait a couple years, then do it.
I will say too, though, that I don't know if there is ever truly a "good time" to have kids. Kids are life altering. There will always be a reason to wait. At some point, you just have to make the leap. (This is NOT saying "don't worry- it will all work out". Because there are people who SHOULD wait. If you're broke and barely making it paycheck to paycheck... wait. That isn't a time to make the leap!).
You either "have it" or you don't. Sorry to hear about your troubles.
Speak with couples who have one child, or 2 or 3…let them tell you point blank what it is like to raise a child or children.
Speak to couples who are childless, either by choice or other: get their opinions also and see what *life is like” for couples in that category.
I would give this topic at least 3 or 4 more years to put on the back burner --- by then, see how you feel. See how your H feels.
And maybe be prepared for the fall out; he and/or you may ultimately decide what to do if kids are not in the picture for you but are for him.
Wishing you luck in what you decide to do.
This doesn’t mean you can’t mentor some kids or maybe teens or be a coach or help where help is needed where youths are involved. Explore that route too: be a coach or a tutor or a mentor or volunteer for a youth oriented endeavor.
Here is an idea: Talk to couples, both together and individually: couples whol
Hi. So in the interest of disclosure, for some reason my PC won't let me sign in to TN under my typical name, which is MommyLiberty. So, this is MommyLiberty writing.
Whhhhat you don't want kids? That's how I feel a lot of people are. I am not a child person (I am a conservative Christian if that matters). In fact, I generally don't like other peoples' kids. That said, I have 3 of my own. DS is 4. DD is 2.5 and DS is 10.5 months.
I had my life pretty organized - husband, travel, career, faith, etc. And, about 3-3.5 years into our marriage DH started talking kids. I figured we'd have them SOME DAY. And, I was able to always put it off. I figured we could just push that possibility on and on and never make it a reality.
When I discovered I was pregnant (we stopped not trying and just decided to see what happened), I took 5 at-home tests and spent 2 days an emotional wreck. The nurse at my OB/GYN office asked me if I was okay and if I needed to speak to someone. THAT's literally how bad off emotionally I was about being pregnant.
For women like you and me, having children is scary. I cannot explain why, it just is. I don't think it is necessarily a selfishness thing either. And even if it is, everyone handles things differently and a child is a huge life change. Everyone processes this sort of news in various ways.
There were a few things I kept coming back to though:
1. When I married my DH I knew he wanted children. I could not just bail on that aspect of our relationship. He married me trusting that I would eventually have children with him. I wanted to honor that trust even if it was a big sacrifice for me.
2. I reminded myself that women have been having children for centuries. While I may be worried or afraid, I was not a special snowflake who would crumble!
3. I knew that my own kids would be different to me than other peoples' kids. And, they are. I treasure them and I cannot imagine life without them.
4. For me having children has been a huge blessing, but it's also been a way for me to challenge myself, my priorities, and my abilities. My DH now says that as a mom of 3 under 4, he's never seen me so motivated and firing on all cylinders.
I honestly think that you know that having a family is s good thing. But, I think you're scared of all the what-ifs and how a new DD or DS will FIT into your world. The magical thing is that after the baby comes, somehow what you defined as "my world" instantly becomes "our world." I don't know how that occurs, but it does.
You are different that most women. Just embrace this about yourself and make it work for you.
I've always wanted to have kids, but I think perhaps the novelty has worn off. I have 6 neices and a nephew that I spend tons of quality time with, and I often take on a parenting role with them. (Novelty of "oh the baby!" has transformed into "why is someone not watching you?")
I'm not afraid to be a parent. I'm confident in that aspect. Up until recently, I have had no problem waiting.
I think, though, with so much going on around me, reminding me that life is not guaranteed, I'm afraid that I will miss the opportunity to be a mother. Is that crazy? I know, I'm only 28, and I should have my whole life in front of me. But, I look at my other hand and see that I've luckily made it to 28. Life is short, and I shouldn't put off on something that I think will make me happy.
It feels more like my practical instincts are fighting against the "carpe diem" mentality I, sometimes, try to have.
To update you all - my father's condition is not improving and he may need a kidney donor. So at this time - that is my focus. I recently was tested to see if I would be a match. If so, it puts the baby debate on the back-burner again. And I think I'm OK with that.
Portable washing machine you can hook up to a sink. Best appliance I own: http://walmart.com/ip/Haier-1.0-Cubic-Foot-Portable-Washing-Machine/13346456
Are you the type of person who can even get "baby fever?" Did you "just know" the minute you met him that your H was "the one?" Have you ever "fallen in love" with the most perfect apartment/ wedding dress/ car/ city/ husband/ house/ paint color/ whatever?
It sounds like you've really thought this through. Perhaps you're just an inherently logical person, so your brain will override emotions like "baby fever."