Married Life
NicholeAugustine
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Slob doesn't even begin to describe it!
in Married Life
I'm dying here! I've been married a little over a year and my husband just keeps getting messier and messier. I knew he wasn't a neat freak, but neither am I. I feel like I could follow him around all day picking up after him. His mom said he never picked up after himself when he was a kid, and I'm begining to resent her a little for not making him more aware of his messes. He leaves his stuff everywhere. We are talking wrappers right next to the garbage can, clothes everywhere, milk cups left to become moldy. I seriously don't know what to do! When I bring it up, he aknowledges that he needs to get better and then brings up that I'm a teacher on summer break, so he thought I could do a little more. I'll do a little more than him, but he does nothing! He will decide to help out and put a load of dishes in the dishwasher. Only he does it without rinsing them, so nothing really gets clean. He'll put laundry in, but then leaves the clean stuff in wrinkly piles on top of the dryer!
I don't know what to do! I can't constantly nag him to do things!
Help please!
I don't know what to do! I can't constantly nag him to do things!
Help please!
Re: Slob doesn't even begin to describe it!
We keep a to do list in the kitchen (dry erase board) that I update weekly with daily chores listed at the top, and all of the weekly chores, or projects for the week color coded. One color for things I do, one for things he does, and one for things we do together. I always check with him when I make it, so he has an opportunity to make changes if needed.
He likes it, because I don't have to bombard him with reminders all the time. When he has time, he checks the list, and takes care of it whenever he wants.
As far as the daily stuff goes (dishes, mail, etc.), we've fallen into a pattern over time (he'll load the dishwasher, and I'll unload). He's always willing to help, but he isn't always the quickest, or most observant when it comes to noticing messes, so I do have to remind him, or ask him to do certain daily tasks that are waiting for him. That will probably never change, and I"m fine with that. It's just who he is.
We did talk early on about how things should/shouldn't be cleaned. The things that are his daily/weekly jobs are the ones that he does well on his own, without supervision. Although, I do still have to remind him which way to load dishes in the dishwasher (he keeps facing the dirty sides against the walls, so they don't get very clean). As long as I do it gently and without getting mad, he is fine with periodically being "reminded" how to do things.
My husband didn't really clean at all growing up, either. His mom was super picky about the way things were cleaned, so she just did everything herself. And I know his bedroom was a disaster area, so I'm guessing she just gave up trying to motivate him to clean it at all. Working out our system took some time, and lots of patience (from the both of us), and I'm sure that we'll modify it in the future as it needs to be.
The important thing is for you two to work out a system that you're both happy with. Be open, and honest about your cleaning needs/goals. Remember that it may take some time for him to get into the habit, as well as to learn how to clean properly, from start to finish, so be patient.
Starting right now:
DO NOT pick up after him.
That's right:
Let him leave his dishes, his clothes, his belongings, his dirty everything where it is...and when HE wants it, let him retrieve it from the pile.
Let him figure out that HE is the one who will now be taking care of his personal effects and if he wants clean clothes or a clean dish to eat from, he can get up off his ass and take care of business.
If he yells at you in the midst of this nonsense, walk away from him. Simple as that.,
You see, if he is a slob, or uses you as a servant, or drinks now before the wedding and a lot, or plays video games far too much, is lazy, etc NOW....
He will be a slob, or treat you as a servant, after the wedding.
And the problem will be a trillion times worse and a permanent one.
And your H had to be a slob before you got married. As you can see, marriage doesn't automatically solve the problem --- it WORSENS it.
To the girl who is getting married. Things don't go away when you get married. People get more comfortable! They go from putting toilet paper on the roll once in a while to never doing it at all! Or from leaving a beer can or two in the garage to having a mountain! If your DH is anything like mine, he doesn't expect to be cleaned up after, but he also is perfectly happy living in filth.
I've seen a lot of people give advice in this situation along the lines of "stop cleaning and let him figure it out," and I"m not going to say that it won't work - because everyone is different, so it might work for some. Although, men typically don't read minds very well, so the motivation might not be very clear if you just stop doing housework without saying why. And if he is fine with his mess, then one thing this particular method will accomplish is making your house really, really messy. And who will that annoy? You! He might continue to be fine with his filth, and you will just grow increasingly angry and frustrated, and nothing will get accomplished.
So I'm glad that you chose to speak with him about it first. To anyone else seeking advice on this thread, I'm not saying that you shouldn't try the "stop cleaning and let him figure it out" method, but tread with caution. It might work, or it might frustrate you to no end, and damage an otherwise great relationship.
I just want to say one thing about another issue that was brought up in this thread. Placing blame or acknowledging who is at fault won't fix the past, and it will only help to strain your relationship with your in-laws. I know it's hard, but you're going to have to let go of your resentment, and fogive your mother-in-law for her parenting missteps (I'm still working on doing the same thing...it's hard!). This is your husband's chance to be better than his upbringing, and it sounds like he's already up for the challenge!
Point out some rubbish that he left lying around and ask him who is going to pick it up? Who he expects to pick it up? Point to a glass left on the counter and not put into the dishwasher and ask him who is going to put it in the dishwasher. The milk jug left out on the counter - who is he expecting to clean it up?
When he says that he will get to it ask him to be honest (gently), and he may realize that he was expecting you to clean it up and that isn't respecting you. Him making more work for you isn't a nice thing to do to your spouse.
If you do it gently but obviously you may be able to get him to change his thinking on it.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk