how do i fix my broken marriage?

laurenwalton5

my husband and i have fought alot this past year. i feel like he doesn't support me when it comes to his family. he says he supports me, but then he turns around and blames me that he has to go against what they say. he blames me for having to support me against his family. they have always told him what to do, and he has always just mindlessly gone along with it. the moment i stood up for myself against them trying to run my life (after 15 years with him), he's decided that i am to blame, and i am to be held accountable for not just "going with it" as he does.  his family has numerously interfered in our relationship to the point that he's gotten verbally aggressive with me, emotionally distant from me, emotionally beligerent with me. i know he's struggling with having to be thrown in the middle of us all, and he's refusing to take any form of action to make things better. he feels not doing anything is the best solution. his lack of talking about things has caused so much anger and rage inside of him, alongside his depression, that he's physically lashed out in the house, breaking and throwing things. he denies this of course despite the proof i have. He finds it easier to pretend that this never has happened. How can I help fix a man who’s so broken and struggling inside of himself? I love him and I want to fix our marriage. I have always been willing to fight for us. he gives up because he just doesn’t know how to commit to things. He’s refusing counseling. I think he’s got some serious issues and I truly want him to look at that and fix them for himself before he self destructs in a dangerous manner.

GilliC

laurenwalton5 said:

my husband and i have fought alot this past year. i feel like he doesn't support me when it comes to his family. he says he supports me, but then he turns around and blames me that he has to go against what they say. he blames me for having to support me against his family. they have always told him what to do, and he has always just mindlessly gone along with it. the moment i stood up for myself against them trying to run my life (after 15 years with him), he's decided that i am to blame, and i am to be held accountable for not just "going with it" as he does.  his family has numerously interfered in our relationship to the point that he's gotten verbally aggressive with me, emotionally distant from me, emotionally beligerent with me. i know he's struggling with having to be thrown in the middle of us all, and he's refusing to take any form of action to make things better. he feels not doing anything is the best solution. his lack of talking about things has caused so much anger and rage inside of him, alongside his depression, that he's physically lashed out in the house, breaking and throwing things. he denies this of course despite the proof i have. He finds it easier to pretend that this never has happened. How can I help fix a man who’s so broken and struggling inside of himself? I love him and I want to fix our marriage. I have always been willing to fight for us. he gives up because he just doesn’t know how to commit to things. He’s refusing counseling. I think he’s got some serious issues and I truly want him to look at that and fix them for himself before he self destructs in a dangerous manner.

If he's refusing to go to counseling and becoming physically aggressive, I don't think there's much you can (or should) do. You can't fix him; he has to fix himself.
You may be able to learn some insights and strategies in individual counseling, but if he's not committed to fixing your marriage as well, you won't be able to do it on your own.

Honestly, I'd try individual counseling and then start thinking about an ultimatum. If he doesn't help you fix things, they're not going to improve.

I see in your other post that it's already escalated to violence against you! I still support individual counseling, but if he hurt you and then responded by talking about divorce, you need to focus on protecting yourself and your assets. It's not uncommon to feel the way you feel, and individual counseling can definitely help.

First and foremost, be safe.

BlueBirdMB

You are not to blame.  He is not "in the middle"- he is on YOUR side.  If he isn't then he's to blame.  You shouldn't be the one who is blamed for his problems and his problems with his family.  And I repeat, this is HIS problem with HIS family.  They most likely had these issues with him long before you came around, but it's easier for both sides to deflect on to you.

He is broken.  You can't change or fix him.  You need to leave before you get hurt.  Do you have a safe place to go?

TarponMonoxide

laurenwalton5 said:

You're the same woman whose husband is the coward asshole who put his hands on her -- run like HELL!

my husband and i have fought alot this past year. i feel like he doesn't support me when it comes to his family.

This already makes him an asshole.

he says he supports me, but then he turns around and blames me that he has to go against what they say. he blames me for having to support me against his family. they have always told him what to do,

So why do you want his sorry ass, based on this alone?

and he has always just mindlessly gone along with it. the moment i stood up for myself against them trying to run my life (after 15 years with him),

You put up with being put last for a decade and a half???

Might I ask why?

he's decided that i am to blame, and i am to be held accountable for not just "going with it" as he does. 

Bully to him.

his family has numerously interfered in our relationship to the point that he's gotten verbally aggressive with me, emotionally distant from me, emotionally beligerent with me.

This is already a sign of trouble. YOu should have said goodbye to him when he got verbally abusive. As you can see, it escalated into something physical.

He said he will divorce you -- this is as per your other post?

Great news for you. You will be rid of his ass for good.

i know he's struggling with having to be thrown in the middle of us all, and he's refusing to take any form of action to make things better.

He isn't struggling with a gad dern thing. If you think he is you're loopy.

he feels not doing anything is the best solution. his lack of talking about things has caused so much anger and rage inside of him, alongside his depression, that he's physically lashed out in the house, breaking and throwing things.

I'll believe he's depressed about as far as I can throw HIM!

And why didn't you leave him when he started getting aggessive towards you???

he denies this of course despite the proof i have. He finds it easier to pretend that this never has happened. How can I help fix a man who’s so broken and struggling inside of himself?

You cannot. This is a lost cause!

I love him and I want to fix our marriage.

WHY??

What is there to love and why do YOU want to fix it? It takes 2 people to do that, not one!

I have always been willing to fight for us. he gives up because he just doesn’t know how to commit to things. He’s refusing counseling. I think he’s got some serious issues and I truly want him to look at that and fix them for himself before he self destructs in a dangerous manner.

Let him go right ahead and self destruct.

WITHOUT you around.

YOu need to stay safe.

Keep a charged up cell p hone on you and tomorrow when he is out of the house, you move the hell out and Leave.

Go to your parent's house or to a shelter -- go anywhere -- and when you get there, file for divorce. No need to contact him anymore. Let him figure it out when he is served divorce papers.

Keep safe and stay the hell away from him.  This can get even more dangerous; your life is in dagner.