Would you get a divorce?

Pool34

I'll start off with my husband being a good guy and a hard worker. That being said I think about getting a divorce often. We both work and have no children and have been married close to 2 1/2 years. My husband is supposed to work 9-6, but often comes home nightly between 8:30-9:30 by choice. It's often he comes home even later and is committed to work things on the weekend quite often. He gets caught up, often forgets to call despite numerous reminders to do so(cheating is not a thought on the radar so that's not an issue). I eat dinner by myself each night despite how much I say how important it is to me to eat with my SO. I don't think he respects what I say and how important things are to me- communication etc. We don't communicate in a very effective way. I don't rely on him financially and most bills are paid by me. I'm getting tired of living my married life alone. How long do you wait for your life to start ? We are late 30's and I don't think it would be right to bring kids into a relationship when your husband is never around and doesn't meet your emotional needs and I feel alone all the Time.

graciesmurf

Hi OP,

Only you can decide if this is a deal breaker, but it wouldn't be for me.  My husband has a tendency to work late and forget to call too.  I completely relate to how upsetting it is to eat dinner alone 3+ nights per week.  In a perfect world one conversation about how I feel would totally change my husband's behavior forever.  But, it's not a perfect world and my husband's not perfect. 

What works for us is that I'll give him a call around one hour before he's scheduled to leave work and ask him if he's going to be working late.  If he is I ask for a specific time he will be home by.  Occasionally I'll get pissed off that I have to "mother" him to get him home on time.  But, it's better than sitting at home steaming mad that he's late.  Also, since I've started calling him (about 1 year ago) he has cut back on working late.  Now he'll only stay late if there is a specific task that must be done by the next day, or if I forget to call and remind him to come home.

cclejeune

Like the PP said, I don't believe this should be a make or break issue; however, that's up to you. Communication can be worked at, you can meet in the middle when it comes to dinners and that sort of thing.  It just seems a shame to throw away a marriage over stuff that could/should be fairly easy to work at, if you're both willing to do it. 

vlagrl29

Over what you described, I wouldn't get a divorce.  Obviously communication needs to be better and if how you guys are communicating isn't working then I highly recommend couples therapy.

MrsAshleyH10

I wouldn't get divorced over the issues you described. I do think there is a big problem with communication and respect here. I would sit down with him and tell him exactly how you are feeling and what you expect from him (ie the courtesy of a phone call/text if he is going to be late, making a point to eat dinner together three times a week,etc.).  I would highly recommend couples counseling if it doesn't improve.

TarponMonoxide

Pool34 said:

I'll start off with my husband being a good guy and a hard worker. That being said I think about getting a divorce often. We both work and have no children and have been married close to 2 1/2 years. My husband is supposed to work 9-6, but often comes home nightly between 8:30-9:30 by choice. It's often he comes home even later and is committed to work things on the weekend quite often. He gets caught up, often forgets to call despite numerous reminders to do so(cheating is not a thought on the radar so that's not an issue). I eat dinner by myself each night despite how much I say how important it is to me to eat with my SO. I don't think he respects what I say and how important things are to me- communication etc. We don't communicate in a very effective way. I don't rely on him financially and most bills are paid by me. I'm getting tired of living my married life alone. How long do you wait for your life to start ? We are late 30's and I don't think it would be right to bring kids into a relationship when your husband is never around and doesn't meet your emotional needs and I feel alone all the Time.

Might I ask why it is you who is paying all the bills???

This already  stinks on ice.

Why don't you and he have an "our" money fund --- why is it up to you to pull the financial weight of the household?

And where is it that "his" money is going?

That's another good question.

This does not have the makings of a good marriage -- there's already disparity in the "equality" of the dynamics: you are the one paying all the bills! That reeks of no character to me --- I would like to know where it is is his paycheck is going to.

If it is being banked is it going into a savings account that is in your name and his -- and do you and he have active plans what the money will be used for -- a home, a fancy trip, a new car, perhaps money to further your educations, etc???

Do you have at least an equal say in where it is his paycheck is going?

I will bet you you do not. And that just plain blows. This is no longer 1930.

What I would do:

1-Counseling for the both of you; he is to understand he is to go, no questions asked and actively and enthusiastically participate

2- Right now YOU stop paying the bills. You sit him down and tell him you are tired of the arrangment ---- your paycheck and his goes into an "our" account and from there, all the bills are paid. Whatever is left over goes into savings that belongs to you and him.

If you don't think he respects you or what you have to say: bad news....

And with that point, what the heck do you need him FOR then???

He is bringing nothing to your table. He sounds like quite the prize.

TarponMonoxide

And if he balks at the idea of the "our money" fund?

Pitch his ass out the door.

You have a husband but what you have: a single lifestyle! You do it all alone and that includes paying the bills.

Why is he working so many long hours? For all I know this is is escape valve to stay away from responsibilities at home.

I would not bet on him for the long run.

Disneygeek77

I would try marriage counseling first, but it that didn't work and things didn't improve, yes I would get a divorce.

vlagrl29

TarponMonoxide said:

And if he balks at the idea of the "our money" fund?

Pitch his ass out the door.

You have a husband but what you have: a single lifestyle! You do it all alone and that includes paying the bills.

Why is he working so many long hours? For all I know this is is escape valve to stay away from responsibilities at home.

I would not bet on him for the long run.

I love your honesty!  I totally missed that part about her paying the bills.  yeah, I would not put up with that and that is something that should have been discussed before marriage.

Bubblegum5586

Marriage takes hard work - from both partners. It doesn't seem like he is putting in any effort at all, but from the short post it kind of seems that you aren't trying too hard either. I am not trying to be rude, there is likely a lot more to the story. I am just so sick of hearing about divorce all the time and to read a few complaints about a marriage under 3 years and "maybe" want to get a divorce, is in my opinion part of the problem!

Now if only one partner wants to put in the hard work, then there is only so much that can be done. But until you feel you truly put in all the effort you can to save your marriage then don't consider a divorce! When you ask couples that have been married for 30, 50, 70+ years they ALL tell you that there were good years and there were bad years and it took a lot of hard work! 

magsugar13

There are many unanswered questions. Why are you paying most of the bills?

WHY and where is he after work that he is coming in late? Why work things on weekend? What exactly does he do?

And yes being in a one sided marriage is a reason to get divorced. i would try to get him to counseling since he cant seem to listen to you directly. no counseling, no marriage,

and im sorry i have no desire to be married to a man that has to get a phone call to be reminded to come home to his wife.

TarponMonoxide

And if he balks at the idea of the "our money" fund?

Pitch his ass out the door.

IF he can come up with a better way or a suitable and equal solution --- example: you bank your paychecks, his paychecks go towards the bills, repairs, trips you take, etc. That would be an equitable solution. And it would still be an "our money" arrangement.

But if he says no to contributing to an "our money" fund and he insists that you keep paying for all, forget it. I do not see any hope here at all.

Just what is  it that he does for a living that he is gone so many long hours?

Just curious.

BlueBirdMB

I'm not sure why her paying the bills makes this a bad marriage.  She wasn't complaining about that from what I understood. Would we balk at the idea of a man paying the bills?  In my house, my husband's income is for bills and mine is for savings and "extras".  That doesn't make my marriage unequal or bad in any way.

Besides that, obviously OP, you are very unhappy.  All of your issues boil down to one thing: bad communication.  You don't feel heard, and thus feel disrespected by having your needs neglected.  Both of you need to work at this- being vocal about your needs and then working to fulfill the other's needs.  Why does your husband need to work all those hours?  Do you tell him that he need him home to fulfill your emotional needs?  What is his response?  Perhaps you need therapy- a safe place to express yourselves or a safe place to learn to express yourselves.  This relationship needs work, not divorce, but if only one person is going to put in that house, then it's not worth saving. 

GilliC

@bubblegum1309 said:

Marriage takes hard work - from both partners. It doesn't seem like he is putting in any effort at all, but from the short post it kind of seems that you aren't trying too hard either. I am not trying to be rude, there is likely a lot more to the story. I am just so sick of hearing about divorce all the time and to read a few complaints about a marriage under 3 years and "maybe" want to get a divorce, is in my opinion part of the problem!

Now if only one partner wants to put in the hard work, then there is only so much that can be done. But until you feel you truly put in all the effort you can to save your marriage then don't consider a divorce! When you ask couples that have been married for 30, 50, 70+ years they ALL tell you that there were good years and there were bad years and it took a lot of hard work! 

Marriage doesn't have to take hard work. I used to say this to myself to feel better. We had some very good times, and then we would fight. Sorely and bitterly. But marriage is hard work, right?! There are good times and bad times. Right???... After eight years, I realized that I didn't want to spend the next 40-50 more years putting in this "hard work." I could be happy ALL the time!

Yes, every couple has bad times and disagreements. However, the mindset that couples who "give up" didn't "work hard enough" is short-sighted and hurtful. Sometimes couples have more bad times than good, and spend more time working hard on their marriages than enjoying and benefiting from them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy.

You claim that you didn't mean to be rude, but you were. I'm sorry that you're so tired of hearing about divorce all the time, but unfortunately, happy marriages are less likely to cause people to post on a message board asking for advice.

GilliC

@Pool34, I would strongly encourage you to try couples counseling or even individual counseling. When my H refused to go to counseling with me, I went by myself. I learned a tremendous amount about the way I communicate and interact with people, and it helped me realize that some of the problems in our marriage were my own fault (I'm very passive-aggressive). I was able to work on finding more constructive ways to address problems.

Unfortunately I was not the only one with flaws, but my H was not willing to face his own. Eventually I brought up couples counseling again and even went as far as to find someone we could meet with (so there would be no excuses or obstacles for him to hide behind). I wanted to do what I reasonably could to fix things, but when he still refused, that was the end of things.

I'm glad I made the effort of going to individual counseling, because if I hadn't been forced to face my own communication failures, I would probably have many of the same problems in my current relationship.

BlueBirdMB

GilliC said:

@bubblegum1309 said:

Marriage takes hard work - from both partners. It doesn't seem like he is putting in any effort at all, but from the short post it kind of seems that you aren't trying too hard either. I am not trying to be rude, there is likely a lot more to the story. I am just so sick of hearing about divorce all the time and to read a few complaints about a marriage under 3 years and "maybe" want to get a divorce, is in my opinion part of the problem!

Now if only one partner wants to put in the hard work, then there is only so much that can be done. But until you feel you truly put in all the effort you can to save your marriage then don't consider a divorce! When you ask couples that have been married for 30, 50, 70+ years they ALL tell you that there were good years and there were bad years and it took a lot of hard work! 

Marriage doesn't have to take hard work. I used to say this to myself to feel better. We had some very good times, and then we would fight. Sorely and bitterly. But marriage is hard work, right?! There are good times and bad times. Right???... After eight years, I realized that I didn't want to spend the next 40-50 more years putting in this "hard work." I could be happy ALL the time!

Yes, every couple has bad times and disagreements. However, the mindset that couples who "give up" didn't "work hard enough" is short-sighted and hurtful. Sometimes couples have more bad times than good, and spend more time working hard on their marriages than enjoying and benefiting from them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy.

You claim that you didn't mean to be rude, but you were. I'm sorry that you're so tired of hearing about divorce all the time, but unfortunately, happy marriages are less likely to cause people to post on a message board asking for advice.

I'll defend her.  We don't know your circumstance.  Sometimes the work is one-sided- maybe that was your case.  In that case, then all the work in the world does nothing and divorce is imminent. 

But I'm sorry, you can't be happy all the time regardless of who you are with or if you are alone.  You should be working at all your relationships.  I work at my relationship with my husband, my parents, my closest friends.  People change and evolve and you have to make sure your relationship is connected enough so that you change together.  You strive for that connection.  You strive to express your needs.  You strive to fulfill your partner's needs.  You strive to create less confusion and clearer communication.  You strive to fight fair.  You strive to resolve conflict  in a productive way.  All of that is WORK.  It's not always fun and it often feels like WORK.  Some people don't understand that these are normal, healthy issues to be resolved and worked on.  I'm fairly sure that's all that was meant- not that ALL couples who get divorced didn't work hard enough.

GilliC

I still think there's a difference between "work" and "hard work." Not all relationships require "hard work."

My relationships with my best friends, my sister, and my significant other, require "work." I need to be considerate, remember special occasions, make time for them, help them through hard times, disagree constructively, etc.

My relationship with my mother requires "hard work." She disparages my life choices, points out my physical flaws, and has trouble understanding how or why I feel hurt when she implies I'm a slut. Discussions about these things are difficult and rarely productive. It takes a tremendous amount of patience and forgiveness on my part to maintain any kind of relationship with her. This is "hard work," and given how little she has changed over the years, this relationship will always be "hard work." Frankly, if my mother was my spouse, I would consider divorce and try to find a partner who required only the normal amount of "work."

Bubblegum5586

GilliC said:

@bubblegum1309 said:

Marriage takes hard work - from both partners. It doesn't seem like he is putting in any effort at all, but from the short post it kind of seems that you aren't trying too hard either. I am not trying to be rude, there is likely a lot more to the story. I am just so sick of hearing about divorce all the time and to read a few complaints about a marriage under 3 years and "maybe" want to get a divorce, is in my opinion part of the problem!

Now if only one partner wants to put in the hard work, then there is only so much that can be done. But until you feel you truly put in all the effort you can to save your marriage then don't consider a divorce! When you ask couples that have been married for 30, 50, 70+ years they ALL tell you that there were good years and there were bad years and it took a lot of hard work! 

Marriage doesn't have to take hard work. I used to say this to myself to feel better. We had some very good times, and then we would fight. Sorely and bitterly. But marriage is hard work, right?! There are good times and bad times. Right???... After eight years, I realized that I didn't want to spend the next 40-50 more years putting in this "hard work." I could be happy ALL the time!

Yes, every couple has bad times and disagreements. However, the mindset that couples who "give up" didn't "work hard enough" is short-sighted and hurtful. Sometimes couples have more bad times than good, and spend more time working hard on their marriages than enjoying and benefiting from them. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy.

You claim that you didn't mean to be rude, but you were. I'm sorry that you're so tired of hearing about divorce all the time, but unfortunately, happy marriages are less likely to cause people to post on a message board asking for advice.

You are totally right I can't come to a "trouble in paradise" board and not expect to see this. 

As a child of divorced parents, I feel like I made out pretty good, as my parents are still dear friends (both remarried). But I know they put in 18 years and they both just changed too much. I totally get that it happens and divorce is just part of our culture now.

It's just hard when people can't even make it 5 years anymore? did your spouse change that much? Did things change that much? Did you hope things WOULD change but they stayed the same? Did you even know your spouse well enough when you made your vows? These are all real questions I have. After only 9 months of marriage it's terrifying to see it happen every where.

Life is short and I think you should make the most of your time and try to be happy as much as you possibly can! If your spouse is making that impossible, then yea maybe it is time for a divorce. But will the next marriage be better, or in 5 years your in the same position, always chasing something. When I married my H (after 8 years of dating) we made vows to be life partners and I know we will both do everything in our power to keep that promise.

GilliC

@bubblegum1309 said:

...It's just hard when people can't even make it 5 years anymore? did your spouse change that much? Did things change that much? Did you hope things WOULD change but they stayed the same? Did you even know your spouse well enough when you made your vows? These are all real questions I have. After only 9 months of marriage it's terrifying to see it happen every where.

In my case it was a combination of things. We probably didn't date long enough before we got married, and we were quite young (23 & 25). We had both dated a lot of people, and ours was so much better than all of our past relationships that I think we just thought, "This is it! When you know, you know, right?!" We were never really right for each other, but we didn't recognize the red flags. We never disagreed constructively, but again, we were young, and life was full of passion and drama.

We did change over the 8 years we were married, and it did contribute to the divorce decision, but not in the naive Matt Walsh idea of "Oh, hey! This person is different so let's split up!" I had self-confidence issues, and I was happy to follow in the shadow of my intelligent and outgoing XH. However, over the years, as we moved around and I was forced to make new friends, I started to learn that people liked me and found me interesting. And then I landed in a great role at work and started getting a lot of recognition in our field. It turns out that being the center of attention is extremely important to my XH, and my sometimes outshining him started to become an obvious issue. He didn't want to face his shortcomings (he viewed counseling as some kind of weakness), and after trying to humble myself around him and knowingly stay in his shadow for a few years, I realized it wasn't a lasting solution.

I'm not so worried about my current partner because I learned a lot about myself in my first marriage. I feel that I've become a person I'm happy with, and I changed less in my late 20s and even less in my early 30s. Moreover, divorce has made both of us hesitant about relationships, so we had early discussions about most of the really big issues, and I wasn't comfortable until our first serious disagreement. When we proved that we could get through serious issues constructively, I started to have a lot more hope. Communication and trust are the two most important things IMO, and I had neither in my marriage. As long as my partner and I can disagree and debate without damaging those, I believe we have a much better chance at a forever future.

But I would never have learned these things without experiencing my first marriage. It's important to learn about yourself and your relationship (why counseling can be so crucial), because if you fail to learn from your mistakes, you're more likely to repeat them.

ETA - I suck at typing on my phone, so please excuse the typos and shoddy sentence construction.

magsugar13

I love when people married for a couple of years come around all self righteous. lol

sillygoosegirl

How long has he been like this, and have you talked with him about it?

I wouldn't really want to live like that either, but do you know there isn't some big deadline coming up at work, or that he isn't working toward a particular promotion/goal?  Sometimes people make short term sacrifices for their careers in order to get to a better place, and often, yeah, that means the other person in the marriage needs to make sacrifices too.

Leftie22

@bubblegum1309‌ - I get where you're coming from, but I also don't think people should stay in unhappy marriages. People DO change, as do circumstances, and I think it would just be cruel and pointless to expect people to stay in marriages that no longer work. Also, you have to consider that not everyone expects marriage to be "till death do us part". I didn't promise that because I don't think I can make that promise. Will I support my DH through bad times and good, as long as we have a loving, constructive relationship? Yes. Will I stick around if I become miserable, we grow apart or he refuses to work on issues. No. I don't consider that a weakness, nor do I consider a long, miserable marriage to be a success. So OP, if your marriage has become miserable and your H isn't willing or able to work on things, then yes, I would absolutely get a divorce. I hope things look up for you in the future.

Nrt0713

TarponMonoxide said:

Pool34 said:

I'll start off with my husband being a good guy and a hard worker. That being said I think about getting a divorce often. We both work and have no children and have been married close to 2 1/2 years. My husband is supposed to work 9-6, but often comes home nightly between 8:30-9:30 by choice. It's often he comes home even later and is committed to work things on the weekend quite often. He gets caught up, often forgets to call despite numerous reminders to do so(cheating is not a thought on the radar so that's not an issue). I eat dinner by myself each night despite how much I say how important it is to me to eat with my SO. I don't think he respects what I say and how important things are to me- communication etc. We don't communicate in a very effective way. I don't rely on him financially and most bills are paid by me. I'm getting tired of living my married life alone. How long do you wait for your life to start ? We are late 30's and I don't think it would be right to bring kids into a relationship when your husband is never around and doesn't meet your emotional needs and I feel alone all the Time.

Might I ask why it is you who is paying all the bills???

This already  stinks on ice.

Why don't you and he have an "our" money fund --- why is it up to you to pull the financial weight of the household?

And where is it that "his" money is going?

That's another good question.

This does not have the makings of a good marriage -- there's already disparity in the "equality" of the dynamics: you are the one paying all the bills! That reeks of no character to me --- I would like to know where it is is his paycheck is going to.

If it is being banked is it going into a savings account that is in your name and his -- and do you and he have active plans what the money will be used for -- a home, a fancy trip, a new car, perhaps money to further your educations, etc???

Do you have at least an equal say in where it is his paycheck is going?

I will bet you you do not. And that just plain blows. This is no longer 1930.

What I would do:

1-Counseling for the both of you; he is to understand he is to go, no questions asked and actively and enthusiastically participate

2- Right now YOU stop paying the bills. You sit him down and tell him you are tired of the arrangment ---- your paycheck and his goes into an "our" account and from there, all the bills are paid. Whatever is left over goes into savings that belongs to you and him.

If you don't think he respects you or what you have to say: bad news....

And with that point, what the heck do you need him FOR then???

He is bringing nothing to your table. He sounds like quite the prize.

I have to disagree because I pay all the bills at my house; however, my husband just redid our whole house (roof, siding, a new porch, a new balcony, insulation, new windows, etc) just for me, he is also saving up to get me a new vehicle and is actively trying to pay off a new truck and tractor that were bought a few years ago.

I think you should sit him down and have a heart to heart with him no matter how long it takes. My husband works very long hours and most weekends as well and I find myself with a lot of me time and it sucks but when I get the feeling that I need him there I sit him down and let everything out.

I sincerely hope everything works out for the two of you!

danamw

You are living like a single person, without the advantages of being single. Ask yourself if you would be better off divorced, without the responsibilities of marriage, which only you, and not so much him, are shouldering.

Counseling is fine, but it won't change him if he is satisfied with the way things are. If he comes out and says this life is what he wants, and he won't change it, then think about divorce. Think of yourself, he is thinking of himself.

ntromano

Hi.

I was in a similar situation during the first year of my marriage. There were a lot of things stressing us out: my husband was laid off and had to begin working for himself (huge psychological and financial transition for both of us,) plus the first year was hard already due to the fact that we didn't live together before being married. He is 7 years older (but you would never know it...hahahah so the age and maturity difference was a bit of an adjustment as well. 

My husband now works very hard running his own law firm and is out of town a lot. About 6 months ago, I was sick of it: eating alone 3-4 nights a week, sometimes not seeing him until 11 pm some nights, etc. He works at an office that is 90 minutes from our home, so if his last client leaves at 7:30, he might not be home until 10 pm. 

My point is this: I was feeling neglected and unappreciated. But when we sat down together and calmly discussed my feelings, I realized that I was leaving an important part of the discussion out of the picture: WHY my husband feels the need to work hard, drive all over the state, and keep his expenses low (coming home late instead of staying at hotels) so that he could pocket some extra money.

We both work hard, but my husband's job is more stressful 9 days out of 10. I'm not belittling my job, but let's call a spade a spade. He admitted that he felt a lot of pressure to work hard in order to build a foundation for us so that when we have children, he can be a provider and support 75% of our expenses as a family, so that I can be home with kids at least part-time. 

I know you have expressed disinterest in having children, and using this example, I am not trying to convince you otherwise; my point is to seek to understand the reasons behind why he is working so much, and go from there. There may be things that you are unaware of, and couples counseling can help BIGTIME in discovering those false assumptions on both sides. 

Only you know, but if you do love him, don't give up hope just yet. I am not saying that you shouldn't honor your feelings. I am just simply saying that every marriage has its times, and sometimes it's a matter of just discovering why things are the way they are. 

I wish you all the best, and know that you are loved by the good people in your life no matter what you decide to do.

RamaLamaDD

If you have a hard time communicating (I feel ya) try writing him a letter. Any time I try to discuss relationship issues with my DH I end up having some sort of mental breakdown and yelling and screaming and crying. It's insane, not sure why I'm like that.

We have had a couple of really difficult situations come up in our relationship - to the point that I was considering if it would be better to leave him (at 8 months pregnant) - so I wrote him a long letter (like, 4 pages) explaining what I was feeling, why I was feeling it, and I put it to him that we needed to fix this or the relationship was done because I simply couldn't continue living that way. It actually worked really well. I was able to give him the letter, told him to read it and then come talk to me. (He kept trying to talk to me before finishing it, so I kept telling him to go finish before we talked.) It got everything I was feeling out on the table, without giving me a chance to get worked up, and then gave him the chance to really think about it before coming to talk to me.