HELP! Need in-law advice...

JomAma4U

Hello!

So to start out, let me just say that I am beyond fortunate to have the in-laws that I do. They are both so supportive of my husband and I, and have always treated me like family since day 1. We are both truly blessed and I love them like they were my own parents. My husband grew up in a "whole" family (both parents still together), while mine divorced. I've always felt like children of divorced parents were just that much more independent from their parents (as, unfortunately, you sometime have to be...), but totally not saying children of "whole" families aren't independent! I just noticed subtle differences, for example:

Whenever there is some issue, like car troubles or buying a house, my husband seems to immediately go towards, "Well, let's ask my dad." That really bothers me, because 1) I feel inadequate to help him and 2) I feel like it's my husband-me-AND his father. This has been an issue between my husband and I for years that just never seems to get resolved. He becomes very defensive when I bring it up, like I'm overreacting and saying he can never ever talk to his parents every again. Lol, I know this sounds so crazy, but it really really bothers me.

I know there is a time and a place to ask for help from family, but being married, I feel as though my husband and I should at least give it a try to learn and grow on our own.

Wish I could get over these jealousy issues. Has anyone else ever had this situation or have any advice?

Thank you!!

BlueBirdMB

Both of our parents are still married, but my husband doesn't have a close relationship to his parents.  He literally left them at 18 years old and didn't look back.  He needed to do that to grow as a person in a way that he couldn't do around his family.

I'm on the opposite end of the spectrum.  I definitely consider myself to be an independent adult and my parents treat us that way more than my husband's parents like to treat us.  They like to control everything we tell them about, so we just don't tell them anything anymore.  My parents don't get involved in anything unless we ask them a direct question.

I am definetely emotionally depend on my husband first, but I also need my parents.  I will say "let's ask my mom" or "my dad could tell us how to do that".  At first, my husband wasn't entirely thrilled with this, but now he's the first one to say "you should has your mom for advice on that" or something like that.  He's realized how supportive and helpful, but how non-intrusive they are.

My husband was like you- he wanted to everything alone, but he's realized how nice it is to have a support system.  I don't just rely on my parents, I also rely on my friends for advice and I've pushed him to do the same with his friends.  Now we have a large support system of family and friends.

We've come to agreements on specific things we should do alone- buying a house is one of them.  Both of us think that that's something you should do just the two of you.

What exactly do you feel jealous of?  

JomAma4U

Hey, thanks for your response!

I understand there are so many different family situations. I'm glad you and your husband have found a groove that works for you.

I think I'm just jealous that after having the same convo over and over and over again, sometimes my husband just asks his dad for help/opinions/etc. without even asking for my help or advice first. I realize parents have lived life obviously longer than we have, but I feel like part of a growing relationship is going through life's ups and downs together as a couple. I totally know it's ok to ask for help, but I just wish he'd rely on me more like I do on him.

It's just SUCH a touchy topic, because my husband immediately reverts to: I'm attacking his parents, I don't like his parents, never speak to your parents. And that's totally not what I'm saying. I feel like we'll always be in limbo.

BlueBirdMB

You have very reasonable requests and it's unfair of him to turn it around on you.  Try speaking to him about it when you are in the middle of this situation- when you are both relaxed and happy and doing something unrelated to the topic at hand.  Then have a calm discussion- the way you are describing is how you should tell him too.

TarponMonoxide

JomAma4U said:

Hello!

So to start out, let me just say that I am beyond fortunate to have the in-laws that I do. They are both so supportive of my husband and I, and have always treated me like family since day 1. We are both truly blessed and I love them like they were my own parents. My husband grew up in a "whole" family (both parents still together), while mine divorced. I've always felt like children of divorced parents were just that much more independent from their parents (as, unfortunately, you sometime have to be...), but totally not saying children of "whole" families aren't independent! I just noticed subtle differences, for example:

Whenever there is some issue, like car troubles or buying a house, my husband seems to immediately go towards, "Well, let's ask my dad." That really bothers me, because 1) I feel inadequate to help him and 2) I feel like it's my husband-me-AND his father. This has been an issue between my husband and I for years that just never seems to get resolved. He becomes very defensive when I bring it up, like I'm overreacting and saying he can never ever talk to his parents every again. Lol, I know this sounds so crazy, but it really really bothers me.

I know there is a time and a place to ask for help from family, but being married, I feel as though my husband and I should at least give it a try to learn and grow on our own.

Wish I could get over these jealousy issues. Has anyone else ever had this situation or have any advice?

Thank you!!

This is an H problem.

Somehow he never "got it" that he needs to piece things together for himself.

I can see asking his father (or some other savvy adult you know well) if it's something like making an investment in whatever it is or what to do about another type of financial issue. For something like that, an expert's help would be a good idea.

Leftie22

I don't think it's a divorce thing, it's how parents treat their kids and what they expect of them. My DH and I are both from "whole" families, but he was raised to defer to his parents. They act like they know everything, and they like to be involved in everything in their kids' lives. So it was like a default that if anything broke or needed to be done, my DH would run to his mom and dad. It drove me crazy too. My parents treat me like an adult, and I had done thing like buy a house, have a career, etc without their input, so they know I'm capable. It took some very bad advice and conflict with DH's family to show him that he needed to consult me first. Then we agreed that we would make decisions together. We went pretty far and agreed that we would no longer ask for or accept help on home improvement or car maintenance, because it always had strings attached, or led to my ILs feeling like our house was partly theirs. I don't know if your DH's situation is quite as severe, but it's taken a long time for my DH to adjust. His parents are still mad if we do something like buy a car without asking them for their input, and we live in different cities and are 36!! I guess the moral of my story is that you have to become a family unit and make decisions together. If you both agree that his parents input would be helpful, then ask. If not, he needs to respect your boundaries and not involve his folks. Good luck!

JomAma4U

Thank you everyone for your advice, it's really helped me! Oh the joys of relationships Always something lol.