SIL, niece, my experience with self-mutilation

DawnLilly

I'm going to make this as condensed as possible. SIL is a piece of white trash shit and even my DH avoids her at all costs. She makes a living living off the state. Her three kids are dirty and ill-behaved.

DS's 2nd birthday SIL informed us that our niece was now on ADHD medication, age 8. This is while niece is sucking down a large blue ice freezy drink. Which, launches me into artificial good colorings and ADHD. DH is dyslexic and ADD so I don't allow any of this in the house both to protect DH and DS. She changes the subject.

One hour later my mom tries to tell SIL that niece #2 has ringworm on her back, age 22 months. No, says SIL, it's a horse fly bite. She is then told by two other people who did not hear the original conversation that niece #2 has ringworm. SIL disregards all of it.

This was almost 4 weeks ago. Today at a family function I notice marks on niece #1 only on her left arm. She is right handed. This is important. I ask, what happened to your arm? She replies, when I get sad I pinch myself. Now, I'm flashing back and can't find a damn word to say as she runs off.

I talk to DH about it and he says that I might be the only one that can do anything or understand. I scratched and sometimes cut from age 15-19. I really wasn't that bad. It only happened on a couple dozen occasions. No one knows except DH. If I try to talk to SIL I know she will disregard me. Then, tell everyone to make sure everybody knows I'm not as perfect as everyone thinks I am. Which, I'm not really worried about but she will end up making it sound like I tried to commit suicide. Cutting is very different from that though. Or, I try to talk to niece but honestly I don't know what to say. I can't talk about what I did because I don't want to put other methods into her head. I did not cut because I was sad like she said was the reason she pinches herself. I had so much emotion good and bad that sometimes my brain would overload and I needed a physical release to focus on. Niece also has a school counselor and a CPS counselor. If I go to either of them and anyone finds out in the family I am the bad guy. This is because "SIL tries her best" and "the government has no place in raising kids" and "I'm just trying to start trouble because I don't like SIL"

I really don't know what to do here. I think it may have started after the ADHD medication because it can cause anxiety. Niece was extremely mean, rude, hyper, disobedient before the medication. Way beyond what a normal 8 year old is. I am very anti-drug. Now she is in zombie land and pinching herself.

1. Is it my place to step in here?
2. Where, with whom, do I step in and speak with?
3. Is her self-mutilation even something I can understand? It seems vastly different.

tiffanysbride

To be honest you sound very judgmental of her kids behavior. At 8 and under, given the circumstances of their home life, what exactly do you expect? They are probably angry and neglected, so they lash out. Kids with wonderful families and parents can be massive brats sometimes. It happens. That said I hope you are venting about your SIL and not judging young children. 

Now as to your SIL, she is a mess. First, I would try to talk to your niece. She opened up to you so maybe ask her why she feels sad. After you see what's going on I would consider calling her CPS counselor. She could be hurting herself or she could be looking for attention and making it up. I'd be careful bringing it up to SIL depending on the history. Did your SIL ever take her younger child to the doctor or get OTC cream for the ringworm? Is it gone? 

Don't worry about what the family would think of you, think about the children. If they are in danger or being neglected then you need to call. It sounds like they already have a case file so clearly something is going on in this family. 

Leftie22

I think you missed the boat on this one. It would have been okay to talk to the niece when she mentioned something to you about self-harm. (And btw, I think you could talk to her about it without telling her exactly how and why you used to hurt yourself. Just keep it vague, tell her you used to do that sometimes too, and here are some things that helped you to stop, etc.) Anything else you do now probably won't get very far. I don't think you have a right to intervene on her ADHD treatment, just because you're anti-drug. Leave that to the professionals who deal with her. It's not your place to tell your SIL what your niece should be eating, drinking or taking to treat her ADHD. And calling your niece mean and a zombie just makes you sound vindictive and judgmental, not caring and helpful. If your niece opens up to you again, talk about it with her and see if you can help her directly. Otherwise, I'd stay out of it.

TarponMonoxide

DawnLilly said:

I'm going to make this as condensed as possible. SIL is a piece of white trash shit and even my DH avoids her at all costs. She makes a living living off the state. Her three kids are dirty and ill-behaved. DS's 2nd birthday SIL informed us that our niece was now on ADHD medication, age 8. This is while niece is sucking down a large blue ice freezy drink. Which, launches me into artificial good colorings and ADHD. DH is dyslexic and ADD so I don't allow any of this in the house both to protect DH and DS. She changes the subject. One hour later my mom tries to tell SIL that niece #2 has ringworm on her back, age 22 months. No, says SIL, it's a horse fly bite. She is then told by two other people who did not hear the original conversation that niece #2 has ringworm. SIL disregards all of it. This was almost 4 weeks ago. Today at a family function I notice marks on niece #1 only on her left arm. She is right handed. This is important. I ask, what happened to your arm? She replies, when I get sad I pinch myself. Now, I'm flashing back and can't find a damn word to say as she runs off. I talk to DH about it and he says that I might be the only one that can do anything or understand. I scratched and sometimes cut from age 15-19. I really wasn't that bad. It only happened on a couple dozen occasions. No one knows except DH. If I try to talk to SIL I know she will disregard me. Then, tell everyone to make sure everybody knows I'm not as perfect as everyone thinks I am. Which, I'm not really worried about but she will end up making it sound like I tried to commit suicide. Cutting is very different from that though. Or, I try to talk to niece but honestly I don't know what to say. I can't talk about what I did because I don't want to put other methods into her head. I did not cut because I was sad like she said was the reason she pinches herself. I had so much emotion good and bad that sometimes my brain would overload and I needed a physical release to focus on. Niece also has a school counselor and a CPS counselor. If I go to either of them and anyone finds out in the family I am the bad guy. This is because "SIL tries her best" and "the government has no place in raising kids" and "I'm just trying to start trouble because I don't like SIL" I really don't know what to do here. I think it may have started after the ADHD medication because it can cause anxiety. Niece was extremely mean, rude, hyper, disobedient before the medication. Way beyond what a normal 8 year old is. I am very anti-drug. Now she is in zombie land and pinching herself. 1. Is it my place to step in here? 2. Where, with whom, do I step in and speak with? 3. Is her self-mutilation even something I can understand? It seems vastly different.

You call CPS for these kids and let THEM do their duty.

What's happening here is a mess and a nightmare. Those kids need to be in a better home and away from your SIL.

A CPS counselor? How is it that these kids are not in a foster home right now???

I don't think anybody really "understands" self mutilation. Look on line for informed information; see if you can find an in person support group. The more you know, the better off you'll be.

PS: Those energy drinks are poison. Who knows what's really in them and in what amounts. They're not fit for man or beast.

Erikan73

I think all you can do to try to spend time with SIL kids so that they can see there is more to life then just what mom's exposes them to. I'm in no way saying buy them all sorts of things. I'm talking like taking them for a picnic and playing at the park or the beach. If any towns in your area have free concerts during the summer, take them. You can just play it off as "we would love to give you a break from the kids and get to spend some time with them." This will help to develop a relationship with them and the another set of adults that they can learn to feel comfortable talking to about any problems they have. A child can never have too many adults that they can trust & talk to. And think of the memories you are creating with them. As time goes on, maybe you can talk to niece in private and hopefully spending time with you regularly will help her be sad less often.

DawnLilly

I didn't end up having to do anything. Niece said or did something at daycare and they called CPS. We saw them tonight. SIL is upset daycare didn't talk to her first. I don't know where this will go from here.

I do not know if niece #2 ever was treated for ringworm. She had on a long sleeve shirt tonight.

DH took nephew, age 6, to the demolition derby last night and is going to try to make a point to spend more time with him. We will not take niece #1 because I don't trust her around my dogs, cat, or DS. I understand some things are a product of her environment but nothing in her environment makes her say things like "I wonder what the inside of the bunny looks like" She knows how to hurt people at her age which is very sad. She told DH that if he ever did anything she didn't like she would tell people that he hits DS and they would come and take him away from us. She has been exposed to a lot but never has she ever been hit so that really concerns me. We won't take niece #2 because if it's not ringworm it's RSV or croup.

We will do what we can but we will also put DS and his safety first. If she gets older and still exhibits these issues I might try to discuss it again.

BlueBirdMB

DawnLilly said:

I didn't end up having to do anything. Niece said or did something at daycare and they called CPS. We saw them tonight. SIL is upset daycare didn't talk to her first. I don't know where this will go from here. I do not know if niece #2 ever was treated for ringworm. She had on a long sleeve shirt tonight. DH took nephew, age 6, to the demolition derby last night and is going to try to make a point to spend more time with him. We will not take niece #1 because I don't trust her around my dogs, cat, or DS. I understand some things are a product of her environment but nothing in her environment makes her say things like "I wonder what the inside of the bunny looks like" She knows how to hurt people at her age which is very sad. She told DH that if he ever did anything she didn't like she would tell people that he hits DS and they would come and take him away from us. She has been exposed to a lot but never has she ever been hit so that really concerns me. We won't take niece #2 because if it's not ringworm it's RSV or croup. We will do what we can but we will also put DS and his safety first. If she gets older and still exhibits these issues I might try to discuss it again.

That is so sad.  That poor little girl.  What do you think has made her so sad and angry if you don't think it's a product of her environment?  Either she's looking for attention that she doesn't get, or she's seen some pretty horrific things.

I would tread lightly if I were you.  Her threats are not idol and they could be a bag of unnecessary trouble.  You need to watch out for you and your children first.  She is a very disturbed child who doesn't understand the consequences of her actions.  Keep away from her.  Any accusation has to be investigated for CPS- do you want that?