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Crooked parenting situation, stepmother struggles
So this is going to be lengthy; my apologies. I feel as though my stepson’s mother does not carry her weight for parenting responsibilities and it has left me feeling bitter. DH and I have been married 3 years. DH’s son is 16 years old. Visitation prior to our marriage was 5 weeks each year (1 week xmas vacation and 4 weeks summer vacation). 3 months into our marriage stepson’s mother called DH to say stepson was being a trouble maker in school and she had already made the decision that he should come live with us in NY for a 6 month trial period. The hope was that he would be better behaved in a new setting and return to FL with her. DH was going to stop paying child support for the 6 months. When I told DH stepson’s mother should be sending us child support for the 6 months DH protested saying he didn’t want to rock the boat, upset her, ruin his opportunity for stepson to live with us, etc. Stepson’s mother insisted that stepson would not be informed of the plan. Stepson’s impression was that he was here for his one week xmas visit and we were the ones burdened with telling him the decision that she had made. Stepson was told by us several times if he wanted to stay permanently, he was welcome to stay. Stepson decided after a few months he wanted to stay with us permanently. Stepson’s mother appeared indifferent regarding his decision. We have never gotten a cent from his mother. I pissed and moaned about this early on to DH stating that she should pay child support speaking of fairness and child costs but I eventually realized my complaints fell on deaf ears.
The past 2 summers stepson has gone to visit his mother for 3-4 weeks during the summer with no xmas visit. This summer I told DH I wanted the visit to be longer for several reasons. I love this kid, he can be sweet, but the last year he is doing what teenagers do: toeing the line with our authority, being defiant with our requests for chores and household behavior, emotional outbursts /moodiness, etc. I would love sometime to focus on DH/us. I feel that a lot of the time the house is dominated by stepson’s needs, wants, and sometimes outright demands (I understand this happens to some extent when you have kids). Also, we have started TTC and being intimate before was never a problem but trying to plan intimacy with a teenager in the house has been way harder than I thought it would be. Two months with just DH would be nice. I feel like a bad person for saying it but I feel stepson’s mother owes DH so much more than taking care of her son for 3-4 weeks out of the year. And maybe a longer visit would take the edge off that for me. DH and I pay for all of his needs including all travel expenses to and from FL.
I don’t know if I will ever get over feeling that his mother does so much less than I would expect of a mother. I want to stand by my request for an 8 week visit for stepson but am receiving wishy-washy support from DH. DH initially said we need some time alone and to have him visit longer would be ideal but now it’s like he won’t commit to that plan. Stepson flies out today and DH has not yet bought a return ticket “incase” stepson gets homesick or is having a miserable time in FL. To which I said “[Stepson] is miserable here sometimes too, he’ll get over it.” Am I being unfair in requesting stepson have a longer visit this year and that I get more support from DH for this request? I wouldn’t say I feel entitled to anything but I would like to feel like my vote counts. I feel it rarely does when it comes to these family decisions. I just want my feeling validated. If you’ve read this far thanks for hearing me out.
Re: Crooked parenting situation, stepmother struggles
To be honest, your post kind of makes me sick. Does it suck that his mother doesn't seem to care? Yes. But it's sucks FOR HIM. For you to be so damn focused on the $$... wow.
You married a man who has a child w/ another woman. That is a LOT of baggage. A LOT. And it's hard. I want to have some empathy for you. But it's hard w/ what you wrote. And it kind of scares me for that boy when/if you all do have a baby. For as indifferent as you seem now, it will only get worse. And for as much as you want "us" time now, I VERY much expect it's going to become "the 3 of us (the baby) need time to bond as a family. How can we do that with his kid around?".
I've read back both of the above replies and I get it. I went back and read what I wrote after reading these replies and it does sound like all I care about is me, my time, my DH, and when am I going to get what's coming to me. You don't know me and I really wish that I could explain everything but even in writing it still might not be enough. I know one stepmother who is in a somewhat similar situation and she gets what it's like. I never said I don't want him, I am happy that he is with us, I have made it clear to all involved he should be with us if that is what he wants.
DH and I are the one's that have to pick up for stepson's mother's shortcomings. I don't know how to get over her being a deadbeat mother. And I know a longer visit isn't going to change anything for the future. Maybe the only good advice I am going to get from nesters is stop whining and just accept it as it is. But please don't say that I don't want or care for this child.
All I ever wanted as a kid was a family that loved me and wanted me, not one that just tossed me around between them whenever I was most convenient. I had the stepmothers like you that wanted 'alone time' which was basically 'time without me' and I remember living with a load of different people at different times because well, nobody wanted me.
You loving him and accepting him would, actually, make this whole thing so much better.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
You have NO IDEA how much guilt I felt over that as a child. To actually have to make the decision of who to live with - to decide to hurt my father by telling him that I didn't want to live with him any more and wanted to stay in this other province with my mother. Then having to effing CALL him to tell him this with my mother standing right there - and the two of them had planned this all along. It broke me as a child. It absolutely broke me.
I can't believe grown adults can be so selfish as to defer that pressure and stress to make a CHILD come up with and deliver that decision against another parent.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
BUT - DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON THE KID. Sending him off for longer than 3 or 4 weeks to get "alone" time and to force her to have him for a longer period of time so that her parenting responsibilities are "fair" is NOT the way to do it. It's putting that boy in the middle and that's not fair. It's not HIS fault he got a shitty mother.
And to back what spike said - you acknowledge that this is also the boy just being a normal teenager. what's going to happen when YOUR kid becomes a teenager? Would you want to ship that child off somewhere just so that you don't have to deal with it?
Probably not.
Just because there is technically somewhere for him to go does NOT mean you should send him off.
Wow, you are touching on a lot of things that I never said. When did DH say "no." And I never said anything about stepson digging his heels into stay with us or begging to be loved or having a place to call his own, nothing of that nature. I have never made any living arrangement decisions for him, that's out of my hands. He's been looking forward to go down there and always thinks the sun shines out of her ass when she is with him. You all are warping this into something it's not. I don't know why I go on this site honestly. People are always tearing each other down in forums for those looking for advice. Go ahead and make this whatever you want it to be in your head, I don't need your delusions.
YOu need to be the one who has sole "poiwer of attorney" over the child in case there is a big problem --- and did his mother and his father send the kid in for a medical workup to perhaps rule out a physical cause for his problem?
What type of "troublemaking" problems did he have? Just curious.
I love this kid, he can be sweet, but the last year he is doing what teenagers do: toeing the line with our authority, being defiant with our requests for chores and household behavior, emotional outbursts /moodiness, etc.
I dont know how much of this is "generation gap" and how much of this is a behavioral problem --- at any rate, he needs to know he has to follow rules -- bet there are none at his mother's house -- and he needs to be KEPT BUSY.
A busy kid is a happy kid.
What activites does he partake in? I suggest one sport and one extracurricular activity - make it a must.
And also a must that he is to mind his father and you while in your home and that is no questions asked.
Your DH basically has said "no" when he won't commit to sending his son to stay w/ his mother for the 8 weeks that YOU want.
TarponMonoxide- To answer your questions:
DH has sole custody following SS's decision to stay and following legal processing of the change.
SS's mother told us that SS was nearing school expulsion for a physical fight (whether or not expulsion was a reality I do not know, she only shared this after he had been living here a while). We were aware of the fight from the beginning. He and another boy got into a physical fight and fell onto a tuba and the tuba was damaged. If I remember correctly the tuba was school property.
SS loves to go to the gym. We take him about 5 times a week and it is something he really enjoys. I often go with him but I'm not much of a weight room girl so we each do our own thing. I wish he was involved in something more social but this is the one activity he is pursuing outside of school right now, it’s something. He and his cousin are good friends and 2 nights a month or so the boys will spend together at our house or at his cousin's house.
He does mind his father most of the time. He tries to bargain his way out of household responsibilities or delay them. For the most part he does what is asked of him.
Yes there are a lot of things I did not say regarding how SS feels. My guess is he cautiously loves his mother. He’s been let down by her a few times. She told him the day before he came to live us that she was 4 weeks pregnant. One time she said she couldn't fit a visit in because she had no time to pick him up from the airport. He has asked for a simple gift for a birthday/xmas and she either says she can’t help out with the gift or pretends she didn't hear/remember him asking. She does send gifts that she thinks he may want. When he talks to her he sounds happy. When he visits her he says it was a great time. When she doesn't do what she said she would or is unable to make a visit work we see that he is hurt. And why he chose to live with us SS never outright said to DH or me; I don’t think he should have to. Everyone has respected his choice and thank God no one has berated him for it.
The statements about just ME wanting 8 weeks and DH being a good father figure and sticking up for SS is totally off. DH and I both said a longer visit would be ideal, to each other, not SS. If you are getting good father figure or supportive parent idea from DH not nailing down a firm return date because he worries SS might be having an issue in FL that he might very well have here with us, then yeah maybe he is looking out for what bad MIGHT happen if we send him there period. I don’t know why this one thing makes him the good father figure/ supportive parent.
This summer visit has happened twice and this will be the third time. The first time SS said he wanted to go to his mother’s for 4 weeks. A little after 3 weeks he called and asked DH if he could change his flight and extend his stay by 2 weeks which he did. Last year was the second time and the visit dates were determined completely by summer school dates. SS had to attend a health summer class to meet an education requirement to graduate on time; this was a result of his transition from FL to NY and not poor grades. SS had 3 weeks to visit his mother once summer school ended and before fall semester started.
Neither I or DH have not told SS that I want him to have a longer visit so that I/we can get a break from him or focus on time alone with each other. So everyone saying that he must feel unwanted/unwelcome/needed elsewhere can be at peace about that. We also didn't tell him that we need TTC time if that is weighing heavily on anyone’s mind. I also never speak ill of his mother to him, the most I have said is “Well I’m sorry that didn't work out the way you wanted.” SS had no preconception of the length of this visit and had no qualms when DH said “it looks like it will be around two months.”
Thank you ilumine for your post. I feel that you wonderfully explained the struggles that blended families are faced with and the gray areas of being a stepparent.I am not a step mom and don't deal with a blended family, but I think you have an amazing post about the truth for what it is like for step parents.
OP, it's normal to want space away from the child or children every now and then....biological OR step children.
And, parenting, whether biological or step, DOES include the Budgeting. Just go over to the MM Board; there is a whole post about a baby budget. So, why can a couple plan financially and raise questions about money for a biological child, but a step child isn't fair and has to be hands-off? Why not the same standards?
I disagree with PPs. I think that the OP has every good sense to ask about the mom paying some kind of support IF joint custody is involved. If the OP and her DH have full/sole custody of the son, then no financial support.
The ONLY thing I'm going to nitpick - yes, I want time away from my son sometimes. But, that usually means a night out, or maybe a weekend. I can't fathom actively wanting to send him away for 8 weeks.
And I do fully agree- I do think the expectation that you must love this child like your own is unfair and perhaps even unrealistic. But I will still contend that the CHILD shouldn't be made to feel that they aren't loved. I too am a stepchild and while things are now, as an adult, good w/ my stepmother, when I was a kid? Not so much. I felt very much like baggage that she had to take on in order to be with my dad. (And for the record, I lived with them full time. I only saw my mom over the summer.)
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
And honestly, do you really not think that the kid senses he's not wanted?
Shame on you.
Here's the thing about these forums - people WILL read tone into what you write and will make assumptions based on that, often more so than what you actually write.
I know that I personally read a tone of "bio-mom is a deadbeat and I don't like her. To force her to do her share, I want to send my SS to her for longer than planned regardless of what he or his dad want to do".
Now, in your subsequent updates, that's not the full picture. Your SS WANTS to go stay with her, he thinks she's great, your DH is more on the same page as you than *I* first thought. Granted, it's hard to give the full picture to any situation.
But again- the way your OP read, it's not entirely in line w/ what your updates are telling us. And sometimes it's really hard to get out from under an OP that makes people get up in arms.