What is "normal?"

wowand135

My husband and I have been together for six years, married for almost two. Apparently I have a very low sex drive. We have sex five times a week and he complains that I'm not into it enough, it's not enthusiastic enough, and it's not kinky enough. Then yesterday he said he also needs two BJs a week. Two a week?! He's lucky if it's two a month. He seems to think I used to do this and it's never been the case. Regardless, he complains that all his friends have this much activity and that they get "whatever they want" in bed. He even tells me that his mother and father (separately) have better sex lives than us! I hate the fact that he talks to them about it, but that's beside the point.

What is normal? I'm just not that into it. I do think it partly has to do with issues between us that have nothing to do with sex, which affect my desire for him. But even so, I do give him sex frequently so I'm not sure what more I can do. Any advice? Thank you!

artbyallie

Five times a week is a ton of sex, but frankly you should not be 'giving' it to him. You should be enjoying sex with him because you want it too. If you don't, and just let him have you because it's what he wants even though you're not into it, you're edging into spousal rape territory. If you don't feel like having sex, he has absolutely no right to demand it.

As for the BJs, again you don't have to do anything you don't want to, but I'm curious: how often does he go down on you? Does he even make any effort to get you turned on at all? It doesn't sound like he gives a shit about your pleasure. Quite frankly and bluntly, he sounds like a fucking asshole that you should get the hell away from. "Normal" sex is the least of your problems here.

TarponMonoxide

wowand135 said:

My husband and I have been together for six years, married for almost two. Apparently I have a very low sex drive.

Have you ever had your "low drive" investigated? Have you seen doctors to make sure it isn't something physical in nature --- hormonal imbalances or perhaps your thyroid?

Do you masturbate?

I am guessing you do not. If you don't, start. It's a sure fire way to get into sex. You'll know what touches turn you on; show him.:)


We have sex five times a week and he complains that I'm not into it enough, it's not enthusiastic enough, and it's not kinky enough. Then yesterday he said he also needs two BJs a week. Two a week?!

Really? Just 2? Gee, how about that.

Hey, how about what you need? Doesn't that count? Tell him he needs to go down on you twice a week in exchange for those 2 bjs.

He's lucky if it's two a month. He seems to think I used to do this and it's never been the case. Regardless, he complains that all his friends have this much activity and that they get "whatever they want" in bed.

How OLD is this guy? He sounds like an 8th grader that talks about what he'd do with a girl when he gets ahold of her!

Your H is a bit juvenile.

He even tells me that his mother and father (separately) have better sex lives than us! I hate the fact that he talks to them about it, but that's beside the point.

What is normal? I'm just not that into it. I do think it partly has to do with issues between us that have nothing to do with sex, which affect my desire for him. But even so, I do give him sex frequently so I'm not sure what more I can do. Any advice? Thank you!

I am sure he was being facetious about his parents!

What you and he need to do:

TALK -- at length about your sex life --- outside of the bedroom.

Communication is key.

He also can't put you on the spot and make silly childish demands and he can't be "breaking the news" to you in such a childish, boorish way. He needs to grow up and he needs to act like a grown man about all of thisl.

And yes -- what about you? are your needs being met? Enough foreplay, enough oral sex for you, enough "Honey, that was great! We were so hot tonight/this morning/this afternoon"s???

tiffanysbride

His friends are lying. Sorry, but I don't by that 5 times a week is not above average. It should not be a chore or something you are giving him. Do you get enjoyment? I have found that when both people are getting pleasure and enjoyment that the number of times a week doesn't matter. 

MarriedLateBloomer

I personally don't believe in "normal".  Everyone is different.  My user name is MarriedLateBloomer.  The reason I chose that name has everything to do with sex and my relationship with my husband.  We have been married 22 years and together 25 years.  For the past 25 years I have hated giving blow jobs.  I hated porn.  I hated anything that was not completely comfortable to me.  Recently we had some issues in our relationship (maybe I'll share later) that caused me to rethink everything.  I've decided to get rid of the old limiting beliefs I have had all these years about what is bad and good.  I actually made a complete 180 degree change in a day.  I now give my husband a blow job whenever he wants one. I haven't had to say no yet but I would if I were sick or really didn't have time.  And, besides giving him one I LOVE doing it for him. He always thought he would like to have one every day or even twice a day.  Well, since we have been doing this (about 2 months) he doesn't want/need it as often as he thought he wanted it.  It started off strong because I think he thought it was too good to be true and my offer would end.  But now that he knows that I really want to please him I don't think he feels the need to have it ALL the time.  We haven't had sex quite as much as I would like (I could have sex every day) but I have so much fun pleasuring him (he gives me pleasure too all the time even if we don't have sex) that I'm happy.  He has always done whatever I wanted him to do sexually to please me.  Actually sometimes more than I would even want.  I'm glad I am finally reciprocating.  I think he might have created a little bit of a monster though. LOL! 

As a church going girl I had to deal with what had been preached to me and what was really ok for us.  There is a song that talks about being a lady in the streets and a freak in the bed.  I really believe that is what most men want.  And, I think think that is ok as long as both partners feel that way.  

But, don't let him manipulate you.  Your husband may not mean to be doing that but he is trying to get what he wants.  My husband tried the same thing with other things in our marriage.  We hear it from our kids too.  Everyone else is not doing it.  And even if they weren't it doesn't matter.  What matters is what works for the two of you.  Do some internet searches for things your husband likes and things you would like to try.  I have to stop doing that when my husband is not here because it is a bit of a turn on.  So that might be something you guys could even do together to get things going.  

I'm not expert but I wish I had learned what I know now years ago.  We could have had an even better 25 years together.  But I know now and the next 25 years are going to be even more amazing.  

Oh and I agree with artbyallie that you should not just be doing things for him. Sex should be pleasurable for both of you.  

NoneForUs

Most married couples have sex slightly more than a week. Anything more than that is above average. 

http://drphil.com/articles/article/372

Why is your husband discussing your sex life with others without your consent? That is very disrespectful. With the way your husband badgers you and talks about you to others, I would say that lack of respect is the bigger issue. Maybe you will want to please him more once you feel respected. 

vlagrl29

5 times a week is a TON of sex.  We only do it once a week lately, which is a major improvement.  I don't like the idea of your DH demanding BJ's and I call his bluff that all his friends get all that action unless they are single guys partying all the time.

schuette2

He needs two bj's a week? And five times a week isn't enough? Has he ever thought that maybe his friends are lying to him, making their own sex lives sound better than they are to make themselves look good? 

He's lucky he's not married to me, he'd have had a hell of a pissed wife on his hands. Artbyallie nailed it and said it nicer than I ever could. He wouldn't be treating you this way if he had any form of respect for you, and you wouldn't put up with it if you respected yourself. 

shelbygetsmarried1214

Five times a week is a ton of sex! Most couples have to really try for 3 or 4 times. I would look into a sex class for the two of you. It might help get your sex drive up so you can give him great sex and maybe he won't ask as much. 

His extreme demand also puts a damper on you desire, nobody wants to feel forced to do any sexual favors! 

Also, have you tried talking to him about how aggressive he's being? That seems like it could be an issue.