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H's friends stopping over not much of a heads up
Okay, I love my H. He is a wonderful guy, would never want anyone else. Just that, he has these friends. Great people, I like them. But they don't live here, but they come down and visit often. The wife's family lives near us. Well they will come to town, and call us up wanting to hang out. Stop over and have a few drinks. That's totally cool. The thing is, they will be here all week, not say a thing until THE DAY they want to stop by. They don't call him and say, hey we are in town until that day. Well, he will seriously stop whatever it is we are doing, to make it convenient for them. The other day he called and told me they were in town, I figured they had just gotten in, they had been here for like 4 days, barely call. Anyways, he called and said they wanted to stop over tonight, I said cool deal, no worries. Would be good to see them. It is about 4:30pm and he gets a text and tells me they will be over within an hour. I was actually planning on making dinner, I work nights a lot and only get a few nights out of the week to have a nice made at home dinner, but I couldn't do it. Yes, it bummed me out. I went grocery shopping to buy things just for those couple nights. Well, they hang out for hours, finally I tell him I want to eat. We go together and get food. All four of us.
The next day I decide to tell my H how that bothers me that they will call and want to stop over and he will stop what we are doing for them. Dinner being on of those. I wish they would give us a little heads up. I could have made dinner for all of us if I had known. And that bothers me. He gets upset with me for expressing my feelings about the situation. Again, this is NOT the first time this has happened. It happens every single time they are in town. So I guess I want to know, how do we go about discussing this better without him always getting upset and thinking I am attacking his friends? He always tells me this, yet I love his friends. I wish they lived closer honestly. I would just like a little courtesy from them and from my H.
This isn't a huge ordeal, but it is the same thing over and over and I am sick of it and want my H on my side of things. He will tell me that he understands my side, yet when they are here again, its the same thing... Hmmm ??
Re: H's friends stopping over not much of a heads up
You do not drop in whenever you like. You tell the person in advance when you'd like to visit!
Maybe you are under the weather or the house is a mess or you have plans to do something else during that time.
Nope. Your H needs to get it and be on the same wavelength with you. I think that is your bigger problem: he thinks this is no problem to accommodate guests whenever they want to visit.
Thank you @tarponmonoxide It is my H and he won't get it. We have this same argument/discussion every single time. I get this was his house before us, but now it is ours. Both his and mine. He will not tell them no it seems. He tells me that he likes his friends and doesn't get to see them enough. I understand that, but he needs to tell his friends to let us know ahead of time. I don't get his deal He and I are on such different pages with this. Or when it comes to his friends or mine.
I mean, my SIL and niece and nephew were at the park down the street from our house the other night. Its summertime and they were there a little late, but she called and asked if they could stop by for a sec. I said of course. They were a little later than I had hoped, but my H gives me a hard time for them wanting to stop over so late on a work night. It was 9pm. They stayed for like 5 minutes, just to see my puppy. His friends can come over for hours and stay til 10pm on a work night and it is just fine.
It pisses me off yet when I tell my H how I feel he gets so defensive about it and makes me feel as if I am in the wrong and just don't like his friends. Very annoying. I like them, I do not appreciate them not letting us know and him not saying anything. He doesn't get it.
If you're not able to explain to him that you're happy to have them over, and your issue is simply about having more notice, maybe it would help to have a third party involved in the conversation. You need to be able to communicate openly with exchange other, and it sounds like there are some issues you need to work through in that department.
Thanks ladies. No, I don't keep score, I was just wanting to mention how it always seems fine when it is his friends but not with mine. It gets frustrating. Yes, we probably do need a third party because he is really childish, if that is the word to use exactly, when it comes to something he doesn't agree with. Instead of listening, understanding and trying to find a solution, he gets defensive and upset with me. I just need him to understand my side and not let it keep happening.
Communication is a big problem with us. I do know this.
2. him being childish and defensive, is he always like this when you criticize something? Or point something negative out?
I ask because my husband used to be like that - it would drive me nuts. I can't comment on his driving without a 'fine I'll NEVER DRIVE AGAIN' response. Or if I said anything negative about a situation he would throw it back at me because I did the same thing too, etc. It was very frustrating and I felt that we couldn't communicate well.
So we talked it out. It took some time and experience, but he doesn't do that at all anymore. More so when one of us starts up like that the other one calmly points out that we are just talking about this one issue, not other things. I know it's frustrating, but let's just work out this one thing and have it finished, okay?
It works for us, quite well actually.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Well, we had another fight the other night. Story of my life.
I went ahead and made an appointment to see a therapist today. I go today and am way nervous. I don't know what to expect exactly, but am a little freaked out. I am going by myself. I think I need a little guidance. I want to have a happy marriage, but also feel that I need to work on making myself happier and content with out needing his approval or him needing to be the one who makes my happiness available... Wish me luck today.. Eeeek
So funny. She basically told me that I was fine and we just needed marriage counseling. My DH wasn't a fan of hearing that. He asked several times "so what did she say about you?" He was hoping to hear that I am at total fault for our problems apparently. The therapist basically said that my personal problems that I have are stemmed from our marriage. She made me feel absolutely normal! Lol So she asked to have him join me next week and she will tell him that she suggests marriage counseling for both of us.
So typical of him though, unable to realize that it isn't a one sided thing we have going on here. Ya I probably do nag about things, I have never wanted to be that girl. But here I am, and I know why I do, it is because the dang guy doesn't listen. If he did, I wouldn't have to repeat myself, right? Lol Men! Geez
I can sympathize! My DH has a good friend who was marginally employed for a long time. He would stop over at our house ALL THE TIME...without even a text, phone call, or anything. I HATE that. It is such a pet peeve of mine. I mean, he is a great guy, but I don't like being interrupted from whatever I am doing by someone suddenly knocking on my door.
In fact, one time he came over, my DH wasn't quite home yet. This friend knocked on the door...and knocked on the door...and I wouldn't answer it. I wasn't trying to be rude, but I was in the middle of sprucing up my resume for an interview I had later and didn't have time to break my concentration. It was pretty funny and I felt a little vindicated. But that's what people get when they decide to just "drop by" without notice.
I complained to DH a number of times about this and, although he was sympathetic and understood, I don't think he ever really said anything to friend. Fortunately, the guy started his own business and it has been an enormous success. Now he is too busy to come by all the time.
I wish I had better advice than just my sympathy. Would your DH be okay with perhaps you saying something to the friends? Like, "You know we love it when you all come in to town. But is it possible to give us a day or two notice next time? I sometimes make homecooked meals for us and felt so BAD last time because I would have liked to have cooked for all of us, but I had already been to the store when I found out you all were coming."
This way, you're giving him the problem and asking him for help with a solution. I notice sometimes guys will resist you telling them what to do, but if you give them the problem and ask them to fix it they're all over it. And if he starts getting defensive, say, "Honey, I understand your friends are important to you, but my relaxation and time with you alone is important to me. How can we make sure we're both happy?"