Totally weird behavior..lying about 'supposedly' nothing? Advice please!!

vegasmrs

SO I'll just dive right in... we've been married 2 years.. had a rocky first year and a half (we got married SUPER fast...fell madly in love, no babies or anything like that.. so the first year and a half were still getting to know each other and learning about each other's pasts) but the past few months were getting amazingly strong and things were really good.  

So...I had a feeling something weird was up (I have amazing intuition) and so I went through his phone under recent calls, I could see all texts sent back and forth.  There were a few with a contact I was unfamiliar with so when I went into his actual text messages, the conversations had been deleted from there so I couldnt see the content just that he had sent and received messages back and forth from his recent calls. Since it was with a contact in his phone, I could see the name "Shannon."  I asked him about the shannon girl in his phone and he said she worked at his previous job and they'd just known each other for years but they weren't even close friends..he didn't even know her last name.  So I asked when the last time they'd even communicated was and he said he couldn't even remember but it'd been a while maybe weeks or months.  The texts I found were from two nights before this conversation.  

So I told him: I went through your phone and found you had been deleting texts from her over the past few days...what gives?  And he suddenly remembered she'd asked him relationship advice but he deleted the conversation because he knew I wouldnt approve of her.  Supposedly...she is married getting a divorce AND seeing a different married man (a cop my husband knows).  Since he knew the guy, she was texting him asking if he thought the guy would really leave his wife for her.  Supposedly... my husband was saying no he probably wont and she can do better so she should just move on.... all innocent but he knows how I feel about cheaters so he thought he should delete the convo because after the fact, he realized he shouldnt have even gotten involved.   After further pressing the issue over the next few days, he admitted there was more to the convo...a few days prior, she'd told him she'd applied at his new place of work but got declined and then another night texted asking if he could get her into a nightclub for the new casino he works at.  But that combined with the relationship drama was all it was and she's not attractive and a bigger girl so he'd never be into her anyway. 

This all sounds innocent and after a quick fb stalk, she isn't very attractive and quite a bit larger than myself but I can't get past a few things.  1. My man hates drama. Why would he get involved with some random woman's relationship drama.  2. I've NEVER heard of this woman and we worked at the same place..granted it's a huge casino, I knew pretty much all his friends there since that's where we met.  3. If his side was innocent "he probably wont leave his wife"  "You should move on and find someone else" .. why would he delete that? Yea, I am not a supporter of cheaters but if his side is innocent, I can't be mad at him giving legit advice.  and lastly, 4.  If they'd had innocent conversations prior to that in the past few days... why didn't he say "Oh she just reached out to me a few days ago asking about the nightclub .. or telling me she applied to work at the casino too"... why lie about EVERYTHING??  Whenever I bring it up he gets aggravated and says the same things: he knows he messed up and he is sorry but continuing to discuss it isn't going to fix everything...he says he's told me everything and that's that so we should focus on moving forward and he's never speaking to her again but he'll even introduce me to her to prove that there is absolutely nothing. 

I know this looks sketchy, but I know he didn't cheat.. we work the same hours at the same place so we know each others every move. But it definitely is an issue.  I guess I just want to know why on earth would he lie?!  My thinking is she probably did text out of the blue and she probably got a little flirty so he flirted back and then realized it and deleted it.  But still...why lie about everything?! Why not just tell me that straight up or at least the bit about the nightclub or the job?

doeydo

vegasmrs said:

SO I'll just dive right in... we've been married 2 years.. had a rocky first year and a half (we got married SUPER fast...fell madly in love, no babies or anything like that.. so the first year and a half were still getting to know each other and learning about each other's pasts) but the past few months were getting amazingly strong and things were really good.  

So...I had a feeling something weird was up (I have amazing intuition) and so I went through his phone under recent calls, I could see all texts sent back and forth.  There were a few with a contact I was unfamiliar with so when I went into his actual text messages, the conversations had been deleted from there so I couldnt see the content just that he had sent and received messages back and forth from his recent calls. Since it was with a contact in his phone, I could see the name "Shannon."  I asked him about the shannon girl in his phone and he said she worked at his previous job and they'd just known each other for years but they weren't even close friends..he didn't even know her last name.  So I asked when the last time they'd even communicated was and he said he couldn't even remember but it'd been a while maybe weeks or months.  The texts I found were from two nights before this conversation.  

So I told him: I went through your phone and found you had been deleting texts from her over the past few days...what gives?  And he suddenly remembered she'd asked him relationship advice but he deleted the conversation because he knew I wouldnt approve of her.  Supposedly...she is married getting a divorce AND seeing a different married man (a cop my husband knows).  Since he knew the guy, she was texting him asking if he thought the guy would really leave his wife for her.  Supposedly... my husband was saying no he probably wont and she can do better so she should just move on.... all innocent but he knows how I feel about cheaters so he thought he should delete the convo because after the fact, he realized he shouldnt have even gotten involved.   After further pressing the issue over the next few days, he admitted there was more to the convo...a few days prior, she'd told him she'd applied at his new place of work but got declined and then another night texted asking if he could get her into a nightclub for the new casino he works at.  But that combined with the relationship drama was all it was and she's not attractive and a bigger girl so he'd never be into her anyway. 

This all sounds innocent and after a quick fb stalk, she isn't very attractive and quite a bit larger than myself but I can't get past a few things.  1. My man hates drama. Why would he get involved with some random woman's relationship drama.  2. I've NEVER heard of this woman and we worked at the same place..granted it's a huge casino, I knew pretty much all his friends there since that's where we met.  3. If his side was innocent "he probably wont leave his wife"  "You should move on and find someone else" .. why would he delete that? Yea, I am not a supporter of cheaters but if his side is innocent, I can't be mad at him giving legit advice.  and lastly, 4.  If they'd had innocent conversations prior to that in the past few days... why didn't he say "Oh she just reached out to me a few days ago asking about the nightclub .. or telling me she applied to work at the casino too"... why lie about EVERYTHING??  Whenever I bring it up he gets aggravated and says the same things: he knows he messed up and he is sorry but continuing to discuss it isn't going to fix everything...he says he's told me everything and that's that so we should focus on moving forward and he's never speaking to her again but he'll even introduce me to her to prove that there is absolutely nothing. 

I know this looks sketchy, but I know he didn't cheat.. we work the same hours at the same place so we know each others every move. But it definitely is an issue.  I guess I just want to know why on earth would he lie?!  My thinking is she probably did text out of the blue and she probably got a little flirty so he flirted back and then realized it and deleted it.  But still...why lie about everything?! Why not just tell me that straight up or at least the bit about the nightclub or the job?

Just because you didn't find her attractive, doesn't mean he doesn't.  Maybe he likes BBW, plenty of people do.  Anyways, he is acting very sketchy and is obviously lying and is acting like he has something to hide.  I wouldn't trust him.

catsareniice1

FYI Just because she's overweight doesn't mean she is not attractive or men do not find her attractive.

vegasmrs

Overweight women are not his type. Not saying there isn't someone for everyone, but he is very much into fitness and so that is his type. ... I guess I should have specified that.  That's not a judgement on my end, but on his. 

vegasmrs

So I just re-read what I wrote and I forgot to specify that he was the one who assured me he did not find her attractive and she was larger than what he would prefer (I think he only said this to reassure me because I have struggled with weight issues in the past so it may have felt like an easy out for him to say "well you're way thinner than her" .. knowing I may find comfort/reassurance in that and he would not have to admit how he really felt).  Regardless of that, he still lied about speaking to her to begin with and I just struggle with understanding why.  He is a wall when trying to get any further because his go to is ... "let's just move past it. I'm done ever texting her so there's nothing to worry about!" 

Definitely did not mean to offend anyone with the weight thing.  I think as women, we all can agree food is delicious and working out sucks.

GilliC

He should have no reason to lie to you. Lying about nearly anything is a sign that there are communication problems in the relationship, because he feels he needs to keep things from you. For whatever reason. It's a bad sign. I used to lie to my XH about how much time I spent on The Nest, because it would cause a fight. You know what? It shouldn't have. It was just a symptom of our communication issues, which caused bigger problems when things came up.

Unfortunately, that's actually the good news. This situation is bad. I'm sorry. If everything was on the up and up, he wouldn't have deleted the messages from his phone. He would have told you more about the woman when you first asked about her, rather than once he knew you'd caught him messaging her.

Your post hits hugely close to home for me. We got married quite quickly and started off rocky before things smoothed out. I've since realized that your first years of marriage shouldn't be about really getting to know each other. You should know each other in depth before you decide to get married. 

His behavior is also a familiar story. I noticed one day that my XH was typing a lot on his phone, and when I asked what he was up to, he said he was checking the news. I knew it didn't take that much typing to check the news, so a little while later I walked behind him to go to the kitchen, and saw he was texting a girl we know. The fact that he'd lied about it told me that he was up to no good. A few days later, his message alert went off while he was in the bathroom. Since my suspicions were already up, I picked up his phone. It was a flirty text from the same girl. It could have just been overly friendly, so I set it back down and waited until the next morning, when I asked to borrow his phone to check the weather really quickly. I saw the message was gone. Another red flag.

I still don't know if they ever kissed or had sex before we split up, but it didn't really matter. This was clearly a relationship of some kind going on while we were married. Luckily I was already at the point where I wanted out, so this was just a big sign that he might too, so it still ended amicably. He and the girl now live in the apartment we bought together, and they're going on three years together.

catsareniice1

vegasmrs said:

So I just re-read what I wrote and I forgot to specify that he was the one who assured me he did not find her attractive and she was larger than what he would prefer (I think he only said this to reassure me because I have struggled with weight issues in the past so it may have felt like an easy out for him to say "well you're way thinner than her" .. knowing I may find comfort/reassurance in that and he would not have to admit how he really felt).  Regardless of that, he still lied about speaking to her to begin with and I just struggle with understanding why.  He is a wall when trying to get any further because his go to is ... "let's just move past it. I'm done ever texting her so there's nothing to worry about!" 

Definitely did not mean to offend anyone with the weight thing.  I think as women, we all can agree food is delicious and working out sucks.

Sorry. I didn't mean to come across so harsh. No offense taken.

TarponMonoxide

vegasmrs said:

Bear in mind that extramarital affair partners are not necessarily raving beauties or have figures that rival a Playboy Playmate. Often as not the person isn't very much to look at.

That said:

SO I'll just dive right in... we've been married 2 years.. had a rocky first year and a half (we got married SUPER fast...fell madly in love, no babies or anything like that.. so the first year and a half were still getting to know each other and learning about each other's pasts) but the past few months were getting amazingly strong and things were really good.  

You shouldn't have been in such a hurry but, that horse has long left the barn.

So...I had a feeling something weird was up (I have amazing intuition) and so I went through his phone under recent calls, I could see all texts sent back and forth.  There were a few with a contact I was unfamiliar with so when I went into his actual text messages, the conversations had been deleted from there so I couldnt see the content just that he had sent and received messages back and forth from his recent calls. Since it was with a contact in his phone, I could see the name "Shannon."  I asked him about the shannon girl in his phone and he said she worked at his previous job and they'd just known each other for years but they weren't even close friends..he didn't even know her last name.  So I asked when the last time they'd even communicated was and he said he couldn't even remember but it'd been a while maybe weeks or months.  The texts I found were from two nights before this conversation.  

So I told him: I went through your phone and found you had been deleting texts from her over the past few days...what gives?  And he suddenly remembered she'd asked him relationship advice but he deleted the conversation because he knew I wouldnt approve of her.  Supposedly...she is married getting a divorce AND seeing a different married man (a cop my husband knows).  Since he knew the guy, she was texting him asking if he thought the guy would really leave his wife for her.  Supposedly... my husband was saying no he probably wont and she can do better so she should just move on.... all innocent but he knows how I feel about cheaters so he thought he should delete the convo because after the fact, he realized he shouldnt have even gotten involved.   After further pressing the issue over the next few days, he admitted there was more to the convo...a few days prior, she'd told him she'd applied at his new place of work but got declined and then another night texted asking if he could get her into a nightclub for the new casino he works at.  But that combined with the relationship drama was all it was and she's not attractive and a bigger girl so he'd never be into her anyway. 

What does your gut say about all of this?

This all sounds innocent and after a quick fb stalk, she isn't very attractive and quite a bit larger than myself but I can't get past a few things.  1. My man hates drama. Why would he get involved with some random woman's relationship drama.

Possibly because he fancies her?


 2. I've NEVER heard of this woman and we worked at the same place..granted it's a huge casino, I knew pretty much all his friends there since that's where we met.


Then this is mighty fishy indeed.


 3. If his side was innocent "he probably wont leave his wife"  "You should move on and find someone else" .. why would he delete that? Yea, I am not a supporter of cheaters but if his side is innocent, I can't be mad at him giving legit advice.  and lastly, 4.  If they'd had innocent conversations prior to that in the past few days... why didn't he say "Oh she just reached out to me a few days ago asking about the nightclub .. or telling me she applied to work at the casino too"... why lie about EVERYTHING??

Why is she calling him at all to discuss ANY of this?

This is the whole thing it hangs on.

 Whenever I bring it up he gets aggravated and says the same things: he knows he messed up and he is sorry but continuing to discuss it isn't going to fix everything...he says he's told me everything and that's that so we should focus on moving forward and he's never speaking to her again but he'll even introduce me to her to prove that there is absolutely nothing. 

I know this looks sketchy, but I know he didn't cheat.. we work the same hours at the same place so we know each others every move. But it definitely is an issue.  I guess I just want to know why on earth would he lie?!  My thinking is she probably did text out of the blue and she probably got a little flirty so he flirted back and then realized it and deleted it.  But still...why lie about everything?! Why not just tell me that straight up or at least the bit about the nightclub or the job?

None of this sounds great to me. Why is she confiding in him and so often, to boot?

cloudymeatballs12

Something is not right.  If it is just innocent texts and such then he would not lie.  My opinion. A person lies when they do not want you finding out.  I wouldn't trust him.  Yes perhaps it is innocent, but your gut is telling you something.  Lying is bad.  I am not cool with my H lying to me.  That is a big red flag here.  I would get to the bottom of this.

magsugar13

Listen if he didnt delete everything it could be very well innocent, but he didnt. He deleted ALL of it, and lied about when he spoke to her last.

Something is up...maybe he didnt cheat (i cant tell you the number of women who come here and say i know he isnt cheating and then a few months later saying he was)

But is is a lying liar who lies! 

catsareniice1

How are things going?