I really need advice!!

CaseyBri7

My husband and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last night. We've been having trouble in our marriage basically the whole 2 years. I sadly think we may have gotten married too young. We were only 22. I want to feel noticed by him. My husband rarely touches me, doesn't really give me hugs/kisses,etc. We rarely have sex. He really doesn't like to talk about feelings. And I'm just feeling invisible and really sad. I've brought up these issues many times and he says he really wants to work on them, but after a day or so, everything is back to normal. I thought of an idea that might help him remember to touch me. Pick something (my nose, my knee, anything) and whenever you see it, you can remember to touch me. Needless to say, it hasn't really been helping. It was a weird idea anyway. So last night was our anniversary. I put together 20 mini date nights for us to do in the future. Wine tasting, bubble bath, build a blanket fort, game night, etc. I though it could help us connect more. I don't consider my love language to be "gifts," but my husband's gift for me really hurt me. He bought me some kitchen towels and socks. I think it hurt me so much because we've been talking so much lately about how I want to feel more connected to him and more noticed. I feel like we've struggled so much these 2 years. It's felt more sad and disappointing than happy. I love him so much, but also don't want to feel like this forever, you know? I feel invisible. Can anyone relate or give any advice? I've suggested couples counseling many times, but he says it's too expensive. What should I do?

MrsJPy118

I am sorry you are feeling this way and it is unfortunate that this is happening within your marriage. The best advice I can give is to seek outside help. It seems as though you have tried multiple methods within your marriage to try to save it and those attempts have failed. As much as it may be expensive, it should be an expense that is worth it. If it is a budgetary thing, cut where you can and make it happen. 

formerlyGDaisy09

I'd suggest couple's counseling, will health insurance pay for it? I know mine has a $20 copay for counseling if it's in-network. 

you need to find ways to make him talk to you, go for a walk or a drive. you tow need to get on the same page so you know if your marriage is going to work long-term. 

Gifts are hard...2 years is the "cotton anniversary" is it possible that's what your H was going for? I know sometimes H's will latch onto things an think they're great gift ideas, maybe you recently talked about needing new kitchen towels or having cold feet? I know for Christmas last year I was really turned off by my H's gift of a gift certificate to a lingere store...I thought Wow, was this a gift for me, or him? turns out like 3 months before that I had been complaining about not having any bras that fit me right and he had latched onto that idea. 

It takes constant work.  maybe a weekend away somewhere where you'd be forced to change-up your routine and spend time with eachother (no TV, internet, etc.) would help?

CaseyBri7

Thank you for your responses. (You actually made me cry) I don't tell anyone about my "problems" so I'm just so happy to have even gotten a response from someone! I will talk to him again about counseling. I didn't know that insurance could help cover the cost, that would be amazing!

formerlyGDaisy09

I'm like 85% sure that mental health coverage is considered "preventative care" as part of the ACA...so it has to be covered on some level, it's just a matter of what your co-pay/co-insurance etc. is.  

if it's not covered, you might be able to negotiate a discount if you pay in cash...my therapist charges my insurance company $120...but they pay her $39 and I pay a $20 co-pay, so she actually gets paid $59/hour. it might be worth paying for 2-3 sessions just to have someone moderate the conversation for a few hours.

CaseyBri7

Ok I'll look into it! Have you found that counseling has been really beneficial for your relationship?

GilliC

CaseyBri7 said:

My husband and I celebrated our 2 year anniversary last night. We've been having trouble in our marriage basically the whole 2 years. I sadly think we may have gotten married too young. We were only 22. I want to feel noticed by him. My husband rarely touches me, doesn't really give me hugs/kisses,etc. We rarely have sex. He really doesn't like to talk about feelings. And I'm just feeling invisible and really sad. I've brought up these issues many times and he says he really wants to work on them, but after a day or so, everything is back to normal. I thought of an idea that might help him remember to touch me. Pick something (my nose, my knee, anything) and whenever you see it, you can remember to touch me. Needless to say, it hasn't really been helping. It was a weird idea anyway. So last night was our anniversary. I put together 20 mini date nights for us to do in the future. Wine tasting, bubble bath, build a blanket fort, game night, etc. I though it could help us connect more. I don't consider my love language to be "gifts," but my husband's gift for me really hurt me. He bought me some kitchen towels and socks. I think it hurt me so much because we've been talking so much lately about how I want to feel more connected to him and more noticed. I feel like we've struggled so much these 2 years. It's felt more sad and disappointing than happy. I love him so much, but also don't want to feel like this forever, you know? I feel invisible. Can anyone relate or give any advice? I've suggested couples counseling many times, but he says it's too expensive. What should I do?

Counseling was amazingly helpful for me. I learned so much about how I communicate and some of the behaviors that I took for granted that were extremely counter-productive.

However, it is important that you feel comfortable with the person you're seeing. If you're not, definitely consider changing.

And if it turns out that the cost truly is prohibitive, consider talking to a clergyman or public counseling center.

Leftie22

Ouch, kitchen towels and socks? I wouldn't love that either. I've had a tough marriage too, and have found counseling to be really helpful. We've been to counseling together, separately, and DH went a saw someone who deals specifically with ADD when we realized recently that his ADD is a huge part of the problem. And don't be afraid to switch counsellors until you find one whose approach and goals match yours. Good luck!