Dinner table battles (literally)

perpetua38

Hi everyone! I need advice on what might seem a very mundane and trivial issue. I'm more or less happily married for over 15 years with 2 kids. We just moved into a large house with a perfect space for a formal dining table. In a previous house we never had an opportunity to invite our extended family because of space issues. Now we do have all the space in the world which includes a very clearly defined dining room. The problem is that for some mysterious reason my hubby wants to leave this perfect dining space empty (with perhaps just a spare sofa) under the pretext that we don't entertain that often and do not need another table but the kitchen table (which is quite large, but it is in quite a rough shape and it is IN THE KITCHEN). Literally, we are split over this dining table issue. He doesn't want one, period, suggesting we take out our kitchen table to the dining room every time we have a large congregation, and attach a work table from the garage if there is not enough room. I feel humiliated by having a huge house with no dining table. It's like we spent all the money on the house and don't have enough even for table left. I contemplate going out and buying a dining table on my own without getting green light from my cheapskate husband. Do you guys think its a bad idea? What would you do? In case you wondered - I did talk to him. He doesn't want a dinner table. (Sorry if all that might sound stupid to you guys, but I feel like crying every time I think of my daughter's birthday approaching.)    

Tofumonkey

It does seem like a weird issue. I know that if I just said to my husband 'look, this is important to me. I know you don't get it and I don't expect you to, but it is important to me' he would do it, end of story.

Is cost the issue here? Can you just find a cheap dining room table for now or something?

jtmh2012

Reminds me of my parents house. They have a defined dining room. So they put a dining table in there and for 24 years that room never got used as a dining room except maybe once. The room slowly became the downstairs "junk room" as things got tossed in there. They just now started remodeling the house and have turned the dining room into their regular dining area.

Point being, I sorta get where your husband is coming from. Especially after we just spent $2k on a dining room set for our new house, but nobody ever comes to visit.

artbyallie

Is it the expense he's arguing about? Maybe check out estate sales or yard sales or thrift stores for a table. Even if you have to refinish it, it'll be cheaper than a new one.

perpetua38

I do believe that deep down it is the cost issue. But  I also know it is so deep down that my husband would never admit it, so if I were to play the "cheap" card, I would have to not let it seem so obvious. And yes, I let my husband know it is important to me many times. He says it is important to him either (not to have a "special purpose" dining table). The question is what to do? To buy a table myself? To make it look like someone gave it to us for free (like a relative)? To let him have his way? 

GilliC

perpetua38 said:

Hi everyone! I need advice on what might seem a very mundane and trivial issue. I'm more or less happily married for over 15 years with 2 kids. We just moved into a large house with a perfect space for a formal dining table. In a previous house we never had an opportunity to invite our extended family because of space issues. Now we do have all the space in the world which includes a very clearly defined dining room. The problem is that for some mysterious reason my hubby wants to leave this perfect dining space empty (with perhaps just a spare sofa) under the pretext that we don't entertain that often and do not need another table but the kitchen table (which is quite large, but it is in quite a rough shape and it is IN THE KITCHEN). Literally, we are split over this dining table issue. He doesn't want one, period, suggesting we take out our kitchen table to the dining room every time we have a large congregation, and attach a work table from the garage if there is not enough room. I feel humiliated by having a huge house with no dining table. It's like we spent all the money on the house and don't have enough even for table left. I contemplate going out and buying a dining table on my own without getting green light from my cheapskate husband. Do you guys think its a bad idea? What would you do? In case you wondered - I did talk to him. He doesn't want a dinner table. (Sorry if all that might sound stupid to you guys, but I feel like crying every time I think of my daughter's birthday approaching.)    

perpetua38 said:

I do believe that deep down it is the cost issue. But  I also know it is so deep down that my husband would never admit it, so if I were to play the "cheap" card, I would have to not let it seem so obvious. And yes, I let my husband know it is important to me many times. He says it is important to him either (not to have a "special purpose" dining table). The question is what to do? To buy a table myself? To make it look like someone gave it to us for free (like a relative)? To let him have his way? 

You said that you talked to him, but you think that "deep down" it's really a matter of cost. What did he say the issue was?

Right now you're speculating about his reason, so even if you were to find the most amazing deal ever on a dining table or have one dropped in your lap by the Dining Table Fairy, it may not actually solve your problem. If his reluctance isn't tied to the cost, then it could cause even more tension between you two!

First, I think you need to be honest with yourself about why this is so important to you. Looking at your own feelings objectively will help you explain them to your husband. I really think you need to be more clear about the reasons behind your dining table desire, because your post here doesn't explain them well, so I'm not convinced your husband is getting a clear message. You said that you "feel humiliated by having a huge house with no dining table." If this is what you told your husband, I'd be inclined to agree with him. How is this humiliating? It makes it sound like you don't really want the table, so much as you care what other people think about you not having it. Not only is that not a very good reason to spend money on a table, it's not a very healthy mindset in general. 

Giving you the benefit of the doubt that you actually have better reasons, I think you need to talk to him again. Explain to him why this is important to you. Even if it seems sappy or silly. And ask him to be honest with you about why he doesn't think it's a good idea. If it really is a cost thing, make suggestions about low-cost alternatives (e.g. maybe you can shop flea markets and antique stores and find a cheap option that you can refinish yourself).

However, if it is not a cost issue, you have to be willing to believe him. Does he want to do something else with the room? Is the prospect of owning more "stuff" disturbing him?

Whatever it comes down to, you need to discuss it and find a compromise. Do not go out and buy a table. That will undermine his ability to trust you and probably lead to more problems. And frankly, if you can't communicate well enough to come to an agreement over a piece of furniture, how are you going to deal with bigger issues?

GilliC

perpetua38 said:

Literally, we are split over this dining table issue.  

No, you're not. These people are literally split over a dining table:

BlueBirdMB

This reminds me of me and H's first big fight.  We were living in and apartment with no table at all.  We agreed to buy and table, but fought continuously over what table to buy.  It was ridiculous looking back, but we obviously compromised because we've bought an entire house worths of furniture at this point together.

Listen, everyone has different priorities.  I have a kitchen table and a dining room table.  We only bought the dining room table 5 months ago and we've already used it a dozen or more times.  We use it every time we have anybody over.  For us, it's nice to have a place separate from the kitchen, which gets very messy when I'm cooking for guests.  

Each time you would have used the dining room, point out that this would have been a good opportunity for a dining room table and why.  He will eventually understand that with your lifestyle, it's nice to have. 

Erikan73

What about getting a folding table for now and putting a nice table cloth over it and something for a centerpiece so he can see what it looks like having a table. If you have some folding chairs, put those around. Once he get use to seeing there, then once your daughter's birthday party is over, you can put it away, then he can see how empty the space looks without. And in regards to the guest, just tell them you haven't found a table set yet that you like and are still shopping.