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Husband, me and Dupree
Well, it is safe to say I am frustrated; I want my husbands friend to move out of our home. He moved in with us about two years ago after his girlfriend kicked him out. When he first moved in, I was ok with it because he needed to get back on his feet and thought it would be temporary, such as a few months, but now he has been here a little over two years and I am losing my mind. My husband and I were married earlier this year, before we were married, I told him that I did not want his friend to live with us indefinitely to which my husbands response was “ I don’t even want him here after we are married”. About a month after the wedding, my husband went away on business (which he does somewhat regularly) and his friend and I were at each other’s throats the entire time. When my husband returned home, I started voicing how sick I was of him being here, husbands response was “ he has nowhere else to go and this is his only safe place”. After a long talk, I agreed to give his friend up to another year, I am about five months into that agreement, and I need to renegotiate. I am so angry and frustrated and just plain fed up. To give an idea of what I put up with, here are some of the things that drive me insane about his buddy living here:
1) -- He does not pay rent, or contribute to bills, at all, so he enjoys the free room and board, electric, water, etc. It frustrates me that he is mooching of off us so badly, and we have tried to get him to chip in in the past, but he never does, he does work, but only part time, and he spends most of his money at the bar, which leads to complaint number two
2) He brings home random girls from the bar. I can’t say I am a happy camper when I hear a noise in the kitchen at 3am only to walk into the kitchen to find some scantily clad barfly making her self a captain and coke (this literally happened, I was not thrilled). I also get to greet these women in the morning while I am getting ready as they try to slink on out of the house. I am a married women trying to make a home, and it really gets under my skin that there are strange women in my house.
3) -- He is messy, which my husband and I are as well, so that isn’t the issue, the issue is, we decided to hire cleaners to come to the home once a week, we all sat down together and agreed to split the cost three ways, he has yet to contribute, again this goes back to him not contributing.
4) -- He like constantly tells me what to do, which drives me nuts. He likes to tell me how to do things, and when to do things, as well as tell me what to and not to spend my money on, such as when I wanted to buy a new major kitchen appliance because the old one was old and faulty, I wasn’t asking him or my husband to chip in, it was being purchased with my own money, which I had plenty of to buy the appliance without it hurting my financial situation, and he gave me so much crap about it, telling me to spend it on something else or not at all. As far as I was concerned, it was none of his business, he isn’t my husband or father, so he had no ground to tell me how to spend my money. (totally bought the appliance by the way)
5) -- He is forgetful, a few weeks ago, he left the oven on. A few days after that, he left a candle burning in his room without anyone being home, although this was not forgetfulness, when I asked him about it, he was fully aware he left it burning and didn’t think anything of it. He has also left the door unlocked when no one is home.
6) -- He has very little respect for me, he does many things that exhibit this, my favorite is if he needs to do laundry and I still have clothes in the dryer while I run an errand, he just throws my clothes on the filthy garage floor instead of the laundry basket that is a foot away. Oh, and while I am on the subject of laundry, I found panties in my laundry from of his lady friends… that was awesome.
7) At this point, his pure presence puts me in a bad mood to the point where I have considered getting a hotel room every now and then for a few days just to get away from him, I am uncomfortable in my own home, and I a fed up with him being here
So at this point, even though I gave my word to give him up to another year, I want him out, which I feel bad for going back on my word, but there you have it. He has also been pissing off my husband lately, but I won’t list them since this post is surely long enough as is. I want to live in my home with my husband and JUST my husband, I am sick of feeling like I live in a bachelor pad/frat house.
I need to talk to my husband about this, since it is affecting my happiness so badly lately, I am generally very cheerful and bubbly, and I still am the majority of the time, but the minute he emerges from his bedroom around noon or one, just looking at him puts me in a horrible mood. There are times where I feel so angry I don’t know what to do with myself.
Now the kicker, one of the major reasons I agreed to allow him to stay for an additional year was because I was under the impression that he literally had nowhere else to go, during the conversation I asked if he could move in with his parents instead (who live around the corner) and my husband said that wasn’t an option for him, fast-forward to about two weeks ago, my husband was saying how sick of him he was, and said he kinda wanted him out, I asked where he could go, and my husband said, he could go live with his parents. I didnt say it, to my husband, but that upset me, I never would have agreed up to another year had I known he had somewhere to go.
This guy is making no effort to get back on his feet and move out, he barely works and spends all of his money, then again , why would he try and move out when he can live here with no bills doing whatever pleases him? Now, I don’t want to kick him out tomorrow or anything, I want to be fair, ideally I would like to give him 30 o 60 days notice to leave, but my husband and I need to get on the same age about this. My husband is aware I am unhappy with his friend living here but has yet to make any move towards getting him out.
Now that you all have an idea of what is going on and how I feel, does anyone have advice on how to approach this with my husband? I do not want to give an ultimatum such as “him or me” because I am not ok with putting my husband in that position so please don’t suggest that. I also don’t want to tell my husband to kick him out in a demanding way. Like I said, my husband knows I am unhappy with him here, maybe not to the full extent, but I have a hard time expressing how much I hate it because a lot of my distain comes from him just simply being here and not so much targeted actions he is doing, so it is hard to explain when your reasoning is “I just don’t like it.” I love my husband fiercely, and I know this is hard for him since this is a very close friend,( even though my husband has said that he feels his friends hasn’t been a very good one lately), so I understand why he doesn’t really like talking about the situation or dealing with it. So now I am wondering, do I just wait until the year is up and just suck it up and find a way to be happy in the meantime? Do I wait until the guy finally pisses my husband off enough to kick him out (which he is kinda close to doing at this point). Or do I talk to my husband in an effort to get this guy out of my home, and if so what the hell do I say? I am having a hard time approaching this! Suggestions please! I know this is a long post, so thank you to anyone who took the time to read it and deal with my ranting!
Re: Husband, me and Dupree
As much as this isn't what you want to hear, this is honestly what you need to do. Your husband should be putting your needs and his family's needs first and he isn't.
Unfortunately I think its come to the point that you give you husband an ultimatum, it doesn't sound like your husband realizes or cares enough to know how badly this is affecting you and your marriage! This guy treats you like crap and your husband allows him to live in your house- ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!
I wouldn't even give him a 30 or 60 day notice. I might say a week- be out or find your crap on the front lawn.
The noun is in quotes...because the person you married is NOT a husband at all.
He is somebody who consistently put you last and he is somebody whose thumb you are under.
And you will be last forever and under his thumb forever.
I cannot tell you how many things are wrong with this union you have with him. There is nothing positive at all with any of what is happening.
And that you married this shit knowing that his friend came in first -- WHY did you marry him, considering that his friend came in first??? Before it became legal, you had the magnificent chance to just pick up and go and call it a day with this spineless loser you were supposed to marry!
You are letting him get over on you and he is making decisions minus you. It's essential he be one with you and I see no evidence of that.
You and he also have zero communication.
Very wrong and very bad.
AND you married this jerk knowing full well you came in last.
Leave your "husband."
I guarantee you he will not even notice you are gone, nor will he even care when he finally does notice one less person out of the THREE in his household is now no longer there.
THe choice is yours.
This guy's brought nothing to your table and holy wow --- money is very hard to come by and your "husband" doesn't seem to care that a third party is eating you both out of house and home??? Why is that???
Your "husband" has no respect for you. That is clear by the way he lets his friend have the upper hand and he doesn't even care how you feel about this whole arrangement. Because if he did, it would have never come to pass where his friend came to live with you for good.
Yep, for GOOD.
Your "husband" has no character and no maturity. You are coming in dead bang last. He uses you as a doormat and whatever he says goes...and you meekly follow along with whatever it is.
Give serious thought to saying goodbye to him. Get this marriage annulled; you are married less than a year. I guarantee you that this Dupree will be there indefinitely and you will be fighting World Wars III, IV and V if you even so much as suggest Dupree be shown the door.
Counseling for you and in a hurry: you can't stand up for yourself and you let this "husband" of yours have full say in everything. You need to grow a spine and in a hurry -- because even if you are eventually free and clear of that piece of dead weight you married the fact still remains that you can't stand up for yourself. Everybody and their uncle Sam is going to have a piece of you -- I don't think you want to live your life this way.
- He like constantly tells me what to do, which drives me nuts. He likes to tell me how to do things, and when to do things, as well as tell me what to and not to spend my money on, such as when I wanted to buy a new major kitchen appliance because the old one was old and faulty, I wasn’t asking him or my husband to chip in, it was being purchased with my own money, which I had plenty of to buy the appliance without it hurting my financial situation, and he gave me so much crap about it, telling me to spend it on something else or not at all. As far as I was concerned, it was none of his business, he isn’t my husband or father, so he had no ground to tell me how to spend my money. (totally bought the appliance by the way)
Why this is wrong:
Because your "husband" doesn't care that you are now pulling part of the financial load alone!
It is also wrong because you and your "husband" should be discussing whether or not to replace a major appliance. (This fartstain has no business in the home you share with your "husband" but we've gone all the way down that road a piece already.. and then some, right???)
This isn't a Dupree problem -- this is a "husband" problem!
Want to live your life this way???
As for this character telling you what to do: You needed to tell him to stfu and butt out and to eff OFF -- those words --- and if he did not like it???
HE CAN LEAVE!!!!
Do not permit yourself to be ballbroken, bulldozed or pushed around or bullied. This is YOUR life and if somebody is speaking out of turn --- a greeat schoolroom term because this Dupree is in about damn third grade himself -- too damn frigging bad.
Learn to stand up for yourself before it is too late!
Here is the bottom line:
Even if this Dupree is booted by your "husband" today and Dupree is no more, your "husband" has a resounding and profound flaw and he has committed an error so egregious and so vast that it is mindblowing: he put somebody else before you and that in itself blows it all to hell.
Who in hell needs marriage to a shithead like that???
Get rid of your H today and do not waste time. There is nothing in this "marriage" for you and never was. He isn't worth your big toe.
Surely you must have had your parents come to visit, right? His parents must have too -- no?
One of these parents didn't didn't say something like "Honey, not my call to butt in but wow, what is this other guy doing here? He's living with you and John? WHY? This just isn't right and you ought to know this; why haven't the both of you made sure Dupree is history"???
I find that very odd indeed. Very odd.
I wonder what would happen if you took all of Dupree's stuff and called a junkman for it -- lawdy miss clawdy, what has he got? A bunch of shitty clothes and some CDs and maybe a few other items --- and changed the doorknob to one of those install-in-a-hurry locks that you can easily pick up in a Home Depot or somewhere --- and when Dupree comes in, YOU tell him he is OUT????
WONDER what your "husband" would do???
Hm.........
My husbands cousin lives with us. He pays rent, buys groceries, cleans up after himself, & would never bring some random broad into my home. If I ever woke up to some chick making food in my kitchen, both her & our cousin would be leaving that very second. Stand up for yourself. It's none of this guys business what you are doing, how you are doing it, or what you are spending on it & you should tell him just that.
You need to tell your husband exactly how you feel & you both need to make a decision. Not just doing what he wants.
Can't you see this has to end and end now?
And evidently Dupree hasn't got a job. Why did your dumb H agree to take him in, knowing he had no job?
Your healthy marriage dynamic does not exist. I don't know what you have there but it isn't a healthy husband and wife team.
Riddle me this, OP:
Who in heck is funding Dupree's boozy sojourns??? Who is paying for his booze and for his birds??? It's gotta be you and your "husband" and wow, don't ask me what I think of that.
Take back YOUR life:
Leave your "husband" and his "friend" and get out of there asap. He's got no respect for you and it is clear that Dupree comes first and not you.