Dating after Divorce

HitchChic

Hi everyone. My divorce will be final in 4 days. I have been separated since February and was pretty unhappy for a while before. I know some other thirty-somethings that are divorced and everyone has different stories about when they started dating again. I am definitely putting myself out there. I am dating someone that wants to be very serious already and I'm thinking I already have moved too fast. I need to back down and am not sure how to tell him.

Also, I am interested in someone else who lives on the other side of the country so I can't move to quickly with another.

Thoughts? What is your dating after divorce story? I definitely am ready to date and have someone in my life, but it's so confusing.

TarponMonoxide

HitchChic said:

Hi everyone. My divorce will be final in 4 days. I have been separated since February and was pretty unhappy for a while before. I know some other thirty-somethings that are divorced and everyone has different stories about when they started dating again. I am definitely putting myself out there.

I am dating someone that wants to be very serious already and I'm thinking I already have moved too fast. I need to back down and am not sure how to tell him.

Way too early for you to be dating...too soon to even start thinking about guys at all.

If I were you, I'd say goodbye to the guy and concentrate on being single for awhile. YOu're too vulnerable right now and it's simply too soon after your divorce.

Wait a good year after the divorce is final before you even begin to casually date. I am divorced too and I am speaking from experience.

Also, I am interested in someone else who lives on the other side of the country so I can't move to quickly with another.

Way way too early, like I said: start no dating relationship with this gent and call it quits with the other gent.

Wait another year and then start dating casually, if at all.

Thoughts? What is your dating after divorce story? I definitely am ready to date and have someone in my life, but it's so confusing.

No you are not ready to date, simply because you're not even divorced yet at all!

For now, date nobody -- wait a year, like I said -- and do things that are FOR YOU. Do things you always wanted to do: start a new hobby, take a fun trip, find outside interests you always wanted to pursue but didn't have a chance to before --- maybe even further your education, for example.

Too early to start dating. Take your time when the time does come.

I do not know what the circumstances of your divorce was but I also strongly suggest a therapist. See one to get your ya yas out and to unload anything damaging that might have happened during your marriage. You need healing and you need closure. GL.

BlueBirdMB

I don't think there is a set time.  I think it depends on what was going on in your relationship before hand.

For example, my dad was married before my mom.  He had lead a completely separate life from his ex for 3 years before their separation.  He would come home from work and she would leave immediately to party while he took care of their kids.  She came home long after he was asleep. She was rarely around on weekends.  They basically didn't see each other for years.  When they separated he was LONG over their relationship.  He had had plenty of time to be alone and reflect.  He met my mom before he was legally divorced, but separated, and they've been happily married for 30 years. 

However, I'd say they were the exception, not the rule.  I know a woman who met a man who was separated, not divorced.  He had jumped into a relationship just after separating and the very weekend that he broke up with that girlfriend, he started up with my friend.  They were engaged 3 months after starting dating and he was legally divorced 3 months after that.  It was RIDICULOUS.  He has never been alone.  EVER.  I've always felt that he was just filling a void, not that he really loved my friend  They have a very conflicted relationship.  You can still feel the violent feelings he has for his ex, which tells me that he was never really over her.

My advice is to see a therapist to discover when is the best time for you.

GilliC

There is absolutely no right and wrong time, but a good rule of thumb is that if you have to ask, you're probably not ready. (This is also a good thing to discuss with your therapist.)

As for backing off with the guy who's getting too serious, just tell him the truth: "It hasn't been very long since the end of my marriage, and I'm really not ready for any kind of serious commitment. I still need some time to focus on myself before I get too involved with another person. I'm okay with a casual relationship, but I can't commit to anything more right now." 

Frankly, if anyone has any qualms with that, he's not someone you should be considering for a long-term relationship anyway.

I will offer one anecdote from my own experience. I said the above to the first guy I was involved with post-divorce. I even flat out told him that I couldn't be exclusive and was seeing other people. When I eventually ended things with him, he was completely crushed, because he interpreted everything I'd said as, "I need to sow my wild oats and get it out of my system before I can settle down with you happily ever after." So be aware that some people will only hear what they want to hear. It's completely up to you to make the decisions that are right for you.

vlagrl29

Mine is kinda complicated, but here is how my timeframe went:

I married first DH in 2006 and it went downhill fast.  I started grieving our marriage in Nov of 2006.  I left in March of 2007 and was still grieving.  Filed for Divorce in Sept of 2007 and the court date was set for Nov of 2007.  First DH passed away in October of 2007 before divorce was final.  I then grieved the loss of him from that moment and the "what ifs" on and off for sometime.  I got on yahoo personals in late May of 2008 because I knew I was being a hermit crab and needed just to have a bit of fun again.  Met now DH in late June of 2008 thru yahoo personals and he had come out of a similar situation but without the death so we were both wanting to just be friends at first.  Turned out we were pretty much meant for each other.

I would say go slow but also trust your gut.  My gut told me DH was a safe person and someone I would never have to worry about and I knew he loved me.  I needed more time to open my shell and luckily he was a patient man.

HitchChic

Thanks for the responses. A year seems a little far fetched in my situation. We were definitely growing apart and alone well before separation and divorce. I have definitely been on my own before so I am good with who I am as a person. Glad to hear other stories. It is very helpful.

TarponMonoxide

HitchChic said:

Thanks for the responses. A year seems a little far fetched in my situation. We were definitely growing apart and alone well before separation and divorce. I have definitely been on my own before so I am good with who I am as a person. Glad to hear other stories. It is very helpful.

Why is it far fetched???

You can't wait a year???

In that year, work on your life and like I said: dedicate that year to YOU and things you want to do and would like to do, that you were not able to do before.

You can have a fantastic time in a year without dating anybody at all! Find enough things and activities and bucket list items to fill your time and life. You won't regret it.

Don't be in such a hurry.  You are not truly "with" that guy; you are using him to fill a void.

If you were indeed already on your own alone you'd welcome the opportunity to do so again and build a whole new life for yourself, more or less.

Take classes, take a cool trip or 2, do things with your girlfriends, join a gym and get a personal trainer --- only a few things you can do with your life. These are all things you can do when you are single and unencumbered.

catsareniice1

I don't think a year is far fetched at all. Why do people feel the need to date immediately? Since my divorce 7 years ago, I only dated a few people. Enjoy some time alone.

ChibiShi

Meh, I don't think there's a set timeline. Coming from a standpoint of being an extrovert, I can't think of anything that sounds more depressing than taking a year off to be alone, just because. Sure, I would be able to hang out with friends and such, but if I felt like dating in the middle-- nope! This hard-and-fast timer says I still haven't had enough of being alone, yet!

Do what feels natural and right. If you're not mourning the relationship, then do whatever. I was in long term relationships where we broke things off and I wasn't particularly sad about it; things had been on their way out for a while. It was like a distant friend unfriending me on Facebook. On the other hand, if my DH sprung a divorce on me from out of the blue tomorrow, I would be devastated, and it might take me a year... or, I might have fun and end up dating someone within a few months. Why waste EVEN MORE of my life on the wrong guy? All depends on your attitude.

GilliC

ChibiShi said:

Meh, I don't think there's a set timeline. Coming from a standpoint of being an extrovert, I can't think of anything that sounds more depressing than taking a year off to be alone, just because. Sure, I would be able to hang out with friends and such, but if I felt like dating in the middle-- nope! This hard-and-fast timer says I still haven't had enough of being alone, yet!

Do what feels natural and right. If you're not mourning the relationship, then do whatever. I was in long term relationships where we broke things off and I wasn't particularly sad about it; things had been on their way out for a while. It was like a distant friend unfriending me on Facebook. On the other hand, if my DH sprung a divorce on me from out of the blue tomorrow, I would be devastated, and it might take me a year... or, I might have fun and end up dating someone within a few months. Why waste EVEN MORE of my life on the wrong guy? All depends on your attitude.

There are a lot of people who don't realize that they have co-dependent tendencies, and they end up dating a NEW wrong guy.

Of course that doesn't apply to everyone, but many people who are afraid of being alone are often more likely to jump into another bad relationship. Or to let things get too serious too quickly.

RamaLamaDD

I work in family law, some of the above comments are ridiculous. There is no right or wrong amount of time before you start dating. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

If you are ready to date, but not ready for a serious relationship, be honest about it. If you really like this guy, and he really likes you, then put it to him that you really aren't ready for a serious relationship, and maybe won't be for quite a while, but that you like him and would like to continue seeing him and spending time with him provided he is willing to do so on your terms with respect to when things can get more serious in terms of commitment and moving things on from "dating" to the next stage (i.e. moving in, thinking long term etc.)

VanessaCooper1

After the divorce formalities has been settled, I think you are the only one who can say whether you are ready to date or not. The amount of time does not really matter. If you are certain that you want to date, there is nothing wrong with it. Life is too short for us not to be happy.

ShannonLeigh1979

I think a lot depends on the situation.  I started dating before my divorce was final...however, I rekindled with an old flame.  He moved 2700 miles across the country for me and we moved in together before my divorce was even final.  Do I suggest this avenue?  Probably not.  We have dealt with and are still dealing with a ton of issues...a lot of which stem from the quickness of the relationship.  I love him...you bet.  I'll fight tooth and nail to make this work.  People may not understand it...but it's your call.  Do what YOU feel you need to do.

xNimirrax

As some others have said there is no time frame. I got married in 2007 at the age of 24. I knew early on that it was a mistake but stuck it out for years because I didn't "believe in divorce". Finally by 2010 I was super depressed (in therapy) and asked for a separation. He didn't want it at all and tried to win me back but I was not having it. He moved out Nov 2010. Our divorce was finalized May 2011.

In between the time of him moving out and the divorce, I spent time a lot of time with a male friend of mine I had known since high school. We were fwb for a while but I knew I did NOT want anything serious at the time. By January 2012 we were still fwb and decided to date. So technically it was 7-8 months before we were seriously dating but we were together pretty much right away after the divorce.

Here it's 2014 and we're happily married. So it really depends all on your situation, your feelings, and the person you're seeing. I do think the fact that I knew my current husband for 13 years before we started dating helped and also the fact that I was in therapy.

amhill87

I started my separation/divorce proceedings a year ago and it finalized in July and I still haven't really gotten into dating. I have tried a few times but get annoyed and go back into my I don't need a man phase.

catsareniice1

I dated a couple of men in eight year's time. I don't miss dating. The longer I am single, the less lonely I feel. I am finding it very hard to trust men. Seems like they either cheat, are immature or act too macho.

amhill87

The last guy I though was decent to date showed his colors as an asshole. Things went good for a week and then he goes awol and nothing from him. Back to screw dating and I don't need a guy.