He cheated...now what?

keidlm84

yesterday I walked in on my husband hooking up with another married women. They hadn't had sex yer , but it was definitely headed in that direction. He met the girl at a party at our friends ' house. This is the first time it happened and he was drunk, which is no excuse.

After he sobered up, he begged me to give him another chance told me he was sorry, he loved me and made a drunk mistake , etc. I told him I don't believe him and I need some time to decide what I want to do. I know that I'm not going to just forgive him, he has to win me back of I even give him that chance.

I'm so conflicted on what to do. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I feel like if I don't automatically divorce him, he will think he got away with it. I don't know if I should try to let him fix it or just walk away. I need some objective advice.

Thanks!

TarponMonoxide

keidlm84 said:

yesterday I walked in on my husband hooking up with another married women. They hadn't had sex yer , but it was definitely headed in that direction. He met the girl at a party at our friends ' house. This is the first time it happened and he was drunk, which is no excuse. After he sobered up, he begged me to give him another chance told me he was sorry, he loved me and made a drunk mistake , etc. I told him I don't believe him and I need some time to decide what I want to do. I know that I'm not going to just forgive him, he has to win me back of I even give him that chance. I'm so conflicted on what to do. I feel so hurt and betrayed. I feel like if I don't automatically divorce him, he will think he got away with it. I don't know if I should try to let him fix it or just walk away. I need some objective advice. Thanks!

This was no drunken error.

He knew full well what he was doing.

There is nothing else for you to do but show him the door. Cheating is a dealbreaker and once a cheater always a cheater.

You also now have broken trust. There's no way you can have him become trustworrthy --- even if you do forgive him, you'll always have that Sword of Damocles to live under: "Is he doing it again and I don't know about it" --- I don't think you want to live this way.

You also have no assurance that this perhaps is an ongoing affair --- and how in hell do you think he can "fix" this???

That he brought someone into your home for the sole purpose of adultery is an error egregious and grave. How dare he do that to you.

Pitch him and do it today and don't look back.

nyc artist

WOW. I am speechless. I'm a bit confused...did you walk in on them AT the party where they met? It sounds like it was at the party where he met her.  If they were both drunk at a party and started hooking up that's horrible. But what is even WORSE is if he met her, made plans to see her at another date, and then hooked up with her. That's a million times worse to me.

Either way, it's a huge issue. I don't know if I could forgive the first circumstance, but I definitely couldn't forgive the second one.  I'm very sorry you're going through this. Do you have kids together? How long have you been married?

 

doeydo

Divorce, that is what you do right now.  Kick him out and go talk to a lawyer.

Disneygeek77

Well I personally wouldn't stay in the marriage.  I wouldn't want to spend the rest of my life wondering what kind of terrible diseases he was exposing me to every time we had sex.  

TarponMonoxide

She vcould be one of more than one woman he is fooling around with.

If you are married less than a year, get a civil annullment rather than a divorce. The marriage will be struck from the records legally and you will have a "never married" status.

And if he is drunk pretty often or has a problem with booze, extrinsic of "accidentally" picking up other women with the intention of screwing them: get rid of him based on that alone. You do not need a bum with a booze problem. Much worse than an adulterer, imo.

keidlm84

He met her at the party. He was drunk to the point of nausea. We've been married 3 years no kids. We never go out without each other so I believe this was a first time offense.

It's not often he gets that drunk either. I'm still taking time to figure out what I need to do to be happy.

TarponMonoxide

keidlm84 said:

He met her at the party. He was drunk to the point of nausea. We've been married 3 years no kids. We never go out without each other so I believe this was a first time offense. It's not often he gets that drunk either. I'm still taking time to figure out what I need to do to be happy.

What kind of party hosts are these???

Isn't it as such that a host can be held liable if a party guest of their leaves the premises and is drunk enough to cause potential mayhem???

How often does he get drunk?

And what kind of friends have you GOT? What happened to cutting somebody off if they have had too much to drink...and calling a cab for the person to ride home in?

Whether he was drunk beyond recognition or sober as the proverbial judge:

Dump him.

There is nothing here for you. He's blown it to hell.

cloudymeatballs1

TarponMonoxide said:

keidlm84 said:

He met her at the party. He was drunk to the point of nausea. We've been married 3 years no kids. We never go out without each other so I believe this was a first time offense. It's not often he gets that drunk either. I'm still taking time to figure out what I need to do to be happy.

What kind of party hosts are these???

Isn't it as such that a host can be held liable if a party guest of their leaves the premises and is drunk enough to cause potential mayhem???

How often does he get drunk?

And what kind of friends have you GOT? What happened to cutting somebody off if they have had too much to drink...and calling a cab for the person to ride home in?

Whether he was drunk beyond recognition or sober as the proverbial judge:

Dump him.

There is nothing here for you. He's blown it to hell.

Well first off, people will go to a party and the host isn't always paying attention to what everyone is doing.  People are there for a gathering, and depending on the age of the people, each party is different.  I do know I have friends who have parties and people get billigerant drunk. I cannot spell, lol.  Sometimes people will drink more than they should and act like children at a high school party.  So that is just what I notice. My H has some immature friends. So I know this first hand.  Yes it can get pretty annoying, but I just make sure to watch over my H and my close friends.  Make sure they are ok

Back to the OP.  Honestly, if I walked in on my H hooking up with some girl I would have wooped his ass so fast!  Then I would have kicked him out, or left.  Give yourself time to think.  Make him worry, because, he deserves to worry.  Only you know if you can deal with this.  Cheating for me is a deal breaker.  I know myself and I would never ever get over it .  And I know I would never be able to have trust for him. Whether he was drunk or not, you do have some sort of idea what you are doing.  I know!  Now that I am in a relationship I truly care about, drinking is different for me and I always stay partially minded sober.  Its your call, but I would say get out.  GL

doeydo

Oh, also go get some counselling for yourself.  You deserve much better than a cheating asshole, and the fact that you apparently don't think you do is alarming.

GilliC

Definitely counseling. It sounds like you could use someone to talk to and help sort out your feelings.

sarahlaserena

OP, first of all, I'm really sorry that this happened to you. There's no way else to put it but that it's a horrible situation. I really feel for you.

I agree with the other folks in that there is no excuse for his behavior. Whether he was drunk or not, the fact is that he has torn your marriage into pieces by his selfish and thoughtless behavior. 

If possible, think back to some of his behavior over the years. Has he ever done anything that made you uncomfortable that he was crossing the line with too-friendly behavior? Have you ever previously been worried that he might have been cheating on you based on clues you picked up? Does he very often get drunk and act overly flirtatious to other women?

If this is the case, I would say that you might be better off without him. A woman should not have to put up with this sort of behavior from her husband, and should always feel safe and secure in their mutual trust.

If this is not the case, then you might consider taking some time to be separated from each other, and then re-evaluate after a while. Basically, give him some time to stew in his mistake before even considering trying to repair things. Don't let him off easy by any means. He screwed up and he should pay for his mistake.

But keep in mind that if you do try to repair your relationship, you are going to need extensive couple's therapy, and I would highly recommend getting solo therapy for yourself as well. And it's possible that even after trying to repair the damage, you may discover that you feel that you can never trust him again. 

Best of luck. *hugs*

NoneForUs

Every woman has her own tolerance level. Nobody can make this choice for you.

I have a hard enough time trusting men as it is. If my husband cheated on me, I couldn't stay because I would never be able to forgive him or make love with him again. The bitterness would destroy the marriage.

I am very sorry that this has happened to you. Seek counseling and listen to your intuition.

heatherbunn24

It is a very difficult situation. Having been through this myself, I can tell you that time will help heal your heart. I decided to stay with my husband because I knew the person he was when he cheated was not my husband. He was an almost black out drunk who made a bad decision. As for how long it takes to forgive that is completely up to you. Its been a year now since it happened and I still find myself thinking bad thoughts when hes out too late or doesn't show up on time or doesn't answer his phone. Paranoia I guess. We have come a long way as a couple and I was not willing or ready to let go of a 7 year relationship. I knew our story had more to it. We are better than ever right now and he still goes to see a therapist once a month to talk about his issues and alcohol is rarely in our house. Not saying you should forgive him but I think you should listen to your heart and do what you feel is best for you.

Good luck and if you want to vent, even though im a stranger, I can listen.

RamaLamaDD

Easy everybody - she doesn't have to get a divorce. That's not always the best option or appropriate option for the people involved. If you think you can forgive him then try counseling.

I don't think he needs to "win you back" though. That's bull. Either you'll work together and sort things out or you won't. Some grand gesture isn't going to solve the problem.

SheMarie82

Cheating is a deal breaker for me, but you need to evaluate if it is for you. My opinion is that at a minimum you need to take some time to decide what you want for yourself.

Drunken mistake is simply an excuse to do something that you want to do anyway.

Sisugal

Getting drunk is just plain stupid - and this was not an isolated episode when drinking.
Do you want to continue to deal with think kind of irresponsible drinking?

No kids - all you need to think about here is yourself and what is best for your future.
See a counselor to help you think this thru and make the decisions that are right for you, gain the support and strategy you will need.

Also see a lawyer for information and advice on how to protect yourself should you decide to divorce., as well as how things work in your state.  (You do not need to file now - and many lawyers do this for no or nominal fee)

Munashi

Speak to a lawyer immediately to understand your options, even if you haven't made up your mind yet.

vancitymichy

I think it's up to you of course, everyone has different "dealbreakers" for relationships. For me, cheating is one. So if I were you, I would divorce. But perhaps it is not a dealbreaker for you. In either case, I would say think about it and make sure your course of action is what you want to do. And above all, ask yourself if your decision respects YOU and your self-worth. Good luck and sorry you are going through this.

YoutubeVloger

I agree with most of the women here. It sounds like it was premeditated. He dig finitely knew what he was doing. Love Interest TV is also a family resource about the things that we absolutely love. When you subscribe you become our family. So, this is also a place of support and encouragement for couples or people simply seeking relationship advice. Subscribe today and share us with your friend. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCh-92WqlFosnotcbfJmvO1A

Jaje09182010

I feel like I need more information here about what your relationship was like prior but based on this alone I think it is a good idea to leave.

HPUgirl27

Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. It sounds like it was an isolated event since you've never had any cheating suspicions before this and he really doesn't drink frequently. I still think you should both talk it over with a counselor. I think everyone deserves a second chance. People do make mistakes and once a cheater not always a cheater. People can change. It's going to take a lot of work and time to get past this but I do believe if you both want it to work than you can. 

HeatherKirkpatrick

This is obviously a very hard and painful situation.  I'm very sorry for what you are going through, and I probably would be asking myself the same questions if I was cheated on, especially in marriage where we made a commitment to be together forever and through whatever.

Your marriage isn't going to be the same tomorrow as it was before he cheated.  The trust that was once there has diminished, and it will have to be built back up somehow.  I can't fully put myself in your shoes but if I were to try, I would imagine I would try and tell him what I'm feeling and thinking.  I would try my best - which may feel impossible and could be at that moment - to hear why he did what he did.  But if he wants to stay married and regrets his decision and I feel like he really does, we'd have to start taking some steps to forgiveness and trust.  

There's a pain from that betrayal that won't go away overnight.  Honestly, I wouldn't be able to know where to go from there.  Part of it, I think, would be going on in our every day life.  He's not a perfect man, so he's still not going to be perfect in everything (he'll be forgetful.  He won't clean up after himself all the time).  I don't want you to set him to a standard of perfection that he'll undoubtably fail at (and I mean in a "I forgot to fill the car up" way and not an "I cheated" kind of way).  I think I would look for evidences of love from him.  But I would definitely still go to a marriage counselor.  I know that'd feel weird, but -like I said- I wouldn't be able to figure out what to do on my end and how we together can build up that trust.  I would want professional, unbiased, and educated help. 

libby&ray

I don't beileve that once a cheater always a cheater çrap. People change. If someone is willing to do what it takes to change than they will. Look it, my ex God knows did intolarble things, I know he cheated at some point & I could never prove it-I ended up cheating on him. After a year of really trying to make our marriage work for our kids & saving 15 yrs of being together we split in an ugly, UGLY divorce. The man I just married almost a month ago-cheated on me at the very beginning of our relationship nearly 4 years ago. We broke up & we got back together-3 times in our first year. We did couples councling, he went to SLA, we did a ALOT of work. I trust him, he has proven himself a trustworthy man, it has taken time-it will take time. We are all flawed. No one is perfect, everyone makes mistakes. Bullshit that everyone who has been married over 30,40 years has ALWAYS been faithful-sometimes shit happens. It's part of human nature-it sucks, it hurts-and when we love, LOVE someone both people work to make the MARRIAGE work. My Exhusband wouldnt do that for me. Im grateful I was able to find forgiveness in my heart for my boyfriend because he is 10000% the man my ex never was. That's my expierence & my 2 cents. You ultimately need to make your own choices & live with them. Im sorry uoure going through this.