Continuous Problems With my Step Dad--Advice?

broadwaygirl07

Hello!  I'm new to this forum, but I don't have anyone to talk to about problems that I'm having with my step dad and it's really been bothering me.  My mom got divorced from my dad when I was 8, and remarried two years ago when I was 18.  She was seeing my now step dad for about six years before they married, and he spent lots of time with us.  He was nice to me then.  I'm not sure what happened but as soon as they got married he completely changed.  He wants to be the only one spending time with my mom and is trying to pull her away from me.  Since he's the only guy who's ever been nice to my mom, she's falling for it.  They don't include me in the things they do and I don't even feel welcome having a simple conversation with them.  My step dad always gives me dirty looks when I try to talk with both of them, and it makes me feel so uncomfortable.  He acts like he's the only person who can spend time with her, which is not true.  I've talked to my mom about this as nicely as possible, and she refuses to see things from my point of view and always sides with him, which is very frustrating.  She won't let me communicate my concerns to him, because she views that as "rude" and "inappropriate".  I want to solve this because I want to be comfortable in my own home and feel like I have a family.  As far as conflict management goes, I'm getting nowhere.  Recently, the problems I'm having with my step dad are getting much worse.  He cyberbullied me on social media, saying extremely rude things about me and my dad's family.  When I saw what he wrote, it made me so upset, and I couldn't stop crying.  I talked to my mom about it, and she sided with him--again!  I was so angry with both of them and I decided to take things into my own hands and talk to my step dad myself.  He got very defensive when I told him if he had something bad to about me, he should say it to my face.  I had to fight with him to get him to take down his posts.  Additionally, sometimes when my mom and I are having conversations regarding college or private conversations between just us he will rudely butt in and interrupt--either by changing the subject or saying something to the effect of "I don't want to talk about this anymore.  Your conversation's over".  It makes me so mad, and when I talk to my mom about it, she just sides with him again because in her eyes he can do no wrong.  But he does a lot of wrong.  I wish she would at least try to see things from my point of view, but it seems like she just doesn't care that her husband is being downright mean to me.  My mom always blames me for things he does and when I try to tell her that I wasn't responsible, she again acts like my step dad is perfect and can't do anything wrong.  He even hears her blaming me for these thing sometimes and doesn't say anything.  I think her being around my step dad all the time has made her change as well, she's always yelling at me and freaking out about the smallest things.  She always tells me that no one likes me and that I have no friends, and the people who I think are my friends talk about me behind my back.  I'm at the point where I'm fed up with both her and my step dad because no one wants to solve anything.  I need to move out of her house, the only thing that's keeping me here is working in order to have enough money to move.  In the meantime, what can I do to not be uncomfortable in my house?  I've tried so many different approaches and nothing works, I don't know how to get my mom to see my side of things and that my step dad is legitimately makes me upset almost every day.  I'm open to any advice.

TarponMonoxide

broadwaygirl07 said:

Hello!  I'm new to this forum, but I don't have anyone to talk to about problems that I'm having with my step dad and it's really been bothering me.

 My mom got divorced from my dad when I was 8, and remarried two years ago when I was 18.  She was seeing my now step dad for about six years before they married, and he spent lots of time with us.  He was nice to me then.

 I'm not sure what happened but as soon as they got married he completely changed.  He wants to be the only one spending time with my mom and is trying to pull her away from me. 

It very well could be you were seeing his "representative" and not the real him.

This is too bad.

And your mother never once spoke up for you or confronted him about the problem. Sad.


Since he's the only guy who's ever been nice to my mom, she's falling for it. 

There's your answer.


They don't include me in the things they do and I don't even feel welcome having a simple conversation with them.  My step dad always gives me dirty looks when I try to talk with both of them, and it makes me feel so uncomfortable. 

Have you ever spoken up on behalf of YOURSELF???

I suggest you do so. It is well within your rights to cone to the defense of yourself.

Stand right up to the both of them and you tell them what you told us.

And tell the 2 of them that if this doesn't stop now, you will cut them off.

(I'm serious about cutting them off --- this sounds horrible and what happens if you have kids or if you have a genuine crisis in your life --- where are these 2 going to be???)

Nip this in the bud now before it worsens.

And if they won't comply, yes, cut them off.

He acts like he's the only person who can spend time with her, which is not true.  I've talked to my mom about this as nicely as possible, and she refuses to see things from my point of view and always sides with him, which is very frustrating. 

Do as I suggested.  And as for this:

She won't let me communicate my concerns to him, because she views that as "rude" and "inappropriate". 

Look who's talking.

I want to solve this because I want to be comfortable in my own home and feel like I have a family.  As far as conflict management goes, I'm getting nowhere.  Recently, the problems I'm having with my step dad are getting much worse.  He cyberbullied me on social media, saying extremely rude things about me and my dad's family.  When I saw what he wrote, it made me so upset, and I couldn't stop crying.  I talked to my mom about it, and she sided with him--again! 

Then it is time to cut the 2 of them off. And immediately.

I was so angry with both of them and I decided to take things into my own hands and talk to my step dad myself.  He got very defensive when I told him if he had something bad to about me, he should say it to my face.  I had to fight with him to get him to take down his posts. 

What you've got here is NOT fixable.

These 2 will be uncommunicative, confrontational and divisive and no amount of "fixing" is going to bang sense into their heads.

Additionally, sometimes when my mom and I are having conversations regarding college or private conversations between just us he will rudely butt in and interrupt--either by changing the subject or saying something to the effect of "I don't want to talk about this anymore.  Your conversation's over". 

How nice of him.

It makes me so mad, and when I talk to my mom about it, she just sides with him again because in her eyes he can do no wrong.  But he does a lot of wrong.  I wish she would at least try to see things from my point of view, but it seems like she just doesn't care that her husband is being downright mean to me.  My mom always blames me for things he does and when I try to tell her that I wasn't responsible, she again acts like my step dad is perfect and can't do anything wrong.  He even hears her blaming me for these thing sometimes and doesn't say anything.  I think her being around my step dad all the time has made her change as well, she's always yelling at me and freaking out about the smallest things.  She always tells me that no one likes me and that I have no friends, and the people who I think are my friends talk about me behind my back.  I'm at the point where I'm fed up with both her and my step dad because no one wants to solve anything.

Hold the phone...you LIVE THERE?! WHY???


 I need to move out of her house, the only thing that's keeping me here is working in order to have enough money to move. 

Nope. Tomorrow, find a way to get yourself a female roommate or 2 to share a 1 or 2 bedroom apartment --- or find a studio apartment for yourself or even a furnished room!

You need these 2 like a fish needs a bike --- this is also bad for your health --- stress does weird things to a body.

For your sake and your sanity's sake, get out of there before they serially destroy your self esteem and self worth. They are a couple of pigs.

In the meantime, what can I do to not be uncomfortable in my house?  I've tried so many different approaches and nothing works, I don't know how to get my mom to see my side of things and that my step dad is legitimately makes me upset almost every day.  I'm open to any advice.

Take my advice:

Cut them off and find another place to live --- studio apartment, furnished room, living arrangement with 1 or 2 other ladies your age. Or with a co-ed arrangement, if you are comfortable with that.

You cannot keep associating with your mother and her husband --- her husband; it is not your step father.  He did not have any hand in bringing you up when you were a small child.

If you value your sanity and self worth, get out of there asap. And cut them off. THey are pigs. GL.

Tofumonkey

Yeah, wow. Stop making excuses to stay and just move, now. Move into an apartment with a bunch or roomates, or just rent a room in somone's home. Anywhere. You just need to get out of there.

Your relationship with your mother may improve once you've put some distance between you all. Or, better yet, the distance will help you to see what was really going on, and you will no longer crave the relationship with your mother that you don't have.

Moving out doesn't actually take that much money. Sell some stuff if you have to. Sell your car if you have to, and use public transport. Sell some clothes, go nuts on Ebay. Don't get your own apartment, just move into a shared one - keep your costs down and do your own thing. Work, go to school, support yourself and heal from this - it sounds like a terrible place to be living.

Disneygeek77

It's time to go.   There is nothing for you there.  

broadwaygirl07

I want to thank all of you for responding. I've been torn about what to do, but I agree with all of you that moving out is probably the best option right now. However I'm helping to pay for my college, and I don't have much money because of that. I also don't have any friends who live nearby me or know anyone who is looking for a roomate. Are there any good websites I can use to find roommates in my area?

TarponMonoxide

What about your college itself?

There must be a student union bulletin board or some type of communal place at school where you can post things like books for sale, etc --- somebody in that school's got to be looking for a roommmate. Post an "ad" for one there.

Try your local newspapers for a furnished room for rent.

keverhart123

I agree that moving out would be the best option. It's not fair for you to be miserable and unhappy in your own home. If you plan on going to college, can you live in the dorms? See if there is a community board at the college and post a flyer that you're looking for a roommate. If that's not an option, can you live with your dad? Or any other family members? or friends? and then block your step-dad from your social media. He doesn't need to know your business if he's not going to respect you. Good luck! I hope you find something that works out!