"his own life"

Jeanna313

My husband thinks that I am too clingy because I want to see him before he goes over to a friends house all night to party with his guy friends.  Even if it is only for a few minutes. I know i wont see him until after noon tomorrow.  We have gotten in the argument more times than I can count.  I always ask to see him before but he always says that i am ridiculous for even asking.  That i should be able to not see him for a night without being upset.  He always says he "wants to live his own life" and that I have "my own life".  Am i wrong in asking/wanting to see him before he is out all night?

BlueBirdMB

How old is he?  Staying out all night partying with the boys makes him sound like he's 18.  

TarponMonoxide

Jeanna313 said:

My husband thinks that I am too clingy because I want to see him before he goes over to a friends house all night to party with his guy friends.  Even if it is only for a few minutes. I know i wont see him until after noon tomorrow.  We have gotten in the argument more times than I can count.  I always ask to see him before but he always says that i am ridiculous for even asking.  That i should be able to not see him for a night without being upset.  He always says he "wants to live his own life" and that I have "my own life".  Am i wrong in asking/wanting to see him before he is out all night?

Why does he need to spend the entire night with buddies?

Nope.

That's too much time spent for "an evening out." I sideeye any guy who "has" to spend all night with his male buddies.

Jeanna313

He is almost 26. They have get together frequently and have game nights. I just don't know what to do about his attitude towards me and what I would like anymore.

Jeanna313

Almost 26

NavyBlue143

I think it may depend on how often this is happens. For example, my husband has bowling league every Wednesday, and D&D every other Friday. Because of the location of these activities relative to where we live and where he works, he doesn't come home those nights before going to these events. It makes no sense to come home first. Bowling usually has him home around 11 or 12, but sometimes D&D will last much later. So I don't see my husband at all Wednesdays and every other Friday, because I'm usually asleep by 11.

It doesn't affect his work or him helping me out around the house or interfere with our weekend plans, he spends plenty of time with me and we dont have kids, so I'm fine with it. I have trivia at a bar Wednesday nights (which sometimes keeps ME out late and he's asleep when I get home) and I do community theater throughout the year, so I'm not always sitting around the house.

If your husband is out all night more often than he's with you, yeah that's a problem, and unacceptable. Especially if it interferes with plans you have together the next day or things that need to get done. But if it's just an occasional thing, and you're not getting shafted taking care of kids or something, I don't see an issue with being out all night with friends without seeing you first. Again, it depends on how often is "frequently"

TarponMonoxide

NavyBlue's H is probably not staying out all night when her H goes to these events and get togethers.

OP: did your H do this a lot before you were married? Did it bother you then? or did you think that once you got married, these all night get togethers with his buddies would be over or decrease?

You need to talk to him. As soon as possible.

And talk to him at length.

There really is no need to make these things all nigithers. And to likely sit there and just drink and drink all night long? What sense does this make?

If you and he have gotten into arugments over this issue then there's a problem. Talk to him about this and if he gets divisive or argumentive, you've got an even bigger problem than the all nighters.

Not that I am pressing a panic button but are you positively sure that these all night things involve his buddies and that's all? I can't see the fascination or sense in spending all that time with a bunch of guys.  I am pretty sure you can't see the sense in spending a dozen hours with your girlfriends, just drinking somewhere.

Ilumine

Eh...I'm team husband. 

Having separate interests and activities allow for the other partner to truly enjoy themselves and submerse themselves into the activity vs always trying to engage with the spouse along the way.  Wanting to focus on the game or friends doesn't mean that I love or respect or want to be with my spouse any less.

Doing an activity outside of the house once a month is NOT going to take away from my spouse or the household.

And personally, if my husband made me stop home on my way out/over or wait for him to come home before I left, I would feel that he a) didnt trust me (and seeing him was his way of reminding me who he was) and/or b) was rather clingy that he just NEEDED that extra minute out of my time to soak up as much of ME as he could before he lost me for the event. 

Now, if there was something else involved, like I was the ONLY spouse/so not invited then I might have an issue (not the only woman, but the only spouse/so).  If I thought that he would be doing something that is questionable, like doing drugs then I would have a problem with it.  Or if the Overnight outings were more than once or twice a month or there were so many short-timed outings during the week, then I would have a problem

But other than those three points, then no.  I think you are a bit pushy. 

GilliC

If you already know that (and are okay with it) that he's going to his friends', then yes, I think it's clingy and probably annoying. Maybe you can compromise and ask him to send you a text message or call you instead.

keverhart123

I have the same question as everyone else... why is he out partying still when he's 26? I'm not sure if you have kids or not, but there is a time when someone needs to grow up and quit partying. If it was something like getting together to watch a game and have a few beers, then I'd understand. 

But aside from that... we all deserve our own free time, and time with friends. Of course we are going to miss our spouse or sig. other when we aren't together. I miss mine when I go to work every day, even if I know I will see him as soon as I get home. But to ask him to come home and see you just for a few minutes before he goes out with friends does come off as a little clingy. Clingy-ness will drive a man crazy and can drive him away.. I have a friend experiencing that right now. Just understand there are days he wants to see the guys.. and he deserves that.. just like you deserve time with the girls. If you know there is going to be a night he's going out with the guys, go out with the girls too. Now if it's more often than he is home, and it seems as though he's putting you on the back burner, then i'd definitely be having a talk with him. Time apart gives you time to miss each other.. and I'm a firm believer we all need that from time to time. I hope all these pieces of advice help you  

emily1004

26 is young. Very young. There is nothing wrong with going out at that age. Hell, I know 30 and 40 year olds that still know how to have a good time. They all have jobs, pay their bills and live all-round responsible lives. 

OP, is there a trust issue here? If not, then ease up on your H and find a compromise. When he goes out, get some girlfriends together and have your own fun. Have a wine night or do a spa weekend. Anything that sparks your interest. It's perfectly okay to spend time with friends without your spouse. 

VOR

emily1004 said:

26 is young. Very young. There is nothing wrong with going out at that age. Hell, I know 30 and 40 year olds that still know how to have a good time. They all have jobs, pay their bills and live all-round responsible lives. 

OP, is there a trust issue here? If not, then ease up on your H and find a compromise. When he goes out, get some girlfriends together and have your own fun. Have a wine night or do a spa weekend. Anything that sparks your interest. It's perfectly okay to spend time with friends without your spouse. 

Dude. Thank you. I've never understood these "XX age is too old!" responses as a blanket statement. Certain situations, yes, but not hardly in ALL situaitons. Anyhow - i want to know more. How often is he going out? What's the logistics of coming and seeing you before hand? I can't get a sense of whether this is every weekend or once a month. And is coming to see you taking him horribly out of his way or .... what?

Ilumine

keverhart123 said:

I have the same question as everyone else... why is he out partying still when he's 26? I'm not sure if you have kids or not, but there is a time when someone needs to grow up and quit partying. If it was something like getting together to watch a game and have a few beers, then I'd understand. 

 

Wow...are you a stick in the judgmental mud.

First, tell me WHY?  Because I am not sure why having sporting event on TV makes hanging out with friends OK, but not having something on the TV makes it wrong?  

Or Is it the amount of alcohol? Because then you need to tell me what the exact number of drinks an ADULT is allowed so the rest of us know so we don't regress by accident.  

Finally, exactly what IS the magical age limit?  That way I can be sure to tell my children that, even though they are fulfilling all of their responsibilities (you know holding down careers, paying their bills, etc) they are now expected to never get together with their friends unless there is a SPECIFIC theme to the get together. 

VOR

Ilumine said:

keverhart123 said:

I have the same question as everyone else... why is he out partying still when he's 26? I'm not sure if you have kids or not, but there is a time when someone needs to grow up and quit partying. If it was something like getting together to watch a game and have a few beers, then I'd understand. 

 

Wow...are you a stick in the judgmental mud.

First, tell me WHY?  Because I am not sure why having sporting event on TV makes hanging out with friends OK, but not having something on the TV makes it wrong?  

Or Is it the amount of alcohol? Because then you need to tell me what the exact number of drinks an ADULT is allowed so the rest of us know so we don't regress by accident.  

Finally, exactly what IS the magical age limit?  That way I can be sure to tell my children that, even though they are fulfilling all of their responsibilities (you know holding down careers, paying their bills, etc) they are now expected to never get together with their friends unless there is a SPECIFIC theme to the get together. 

To add- I hate going to parties that are ONLY about watching something on TV.  Most parties I go to- TV never comes on.  And this is with people in their 30s through to their 50s.  OMG!!!! The HORROR!!!!!!  We're out drinking and socializing w/o a "reason"! 

BlueBirdMB

Ok, the is pretty the same as the other post about the woman who's husband has sleepovers with his friends.  I'm in the boat that staying out all night with your friends on a regular basis is weird.  I wouldn't be comfortable with it, and neither would my husband.  

I think what's really important is this:  You have to be in agreement.  That would never fly in our house, but maybe it does for other people, which is okay as long as both people are comfortable with it.  You have to find a way to be married where both people's needs are being satisfied.  My husband and I both travel for work, so when we're home, that time is for us to be together.  Not to say we never do things without one another when we are both home, but we would never spend the night out with our friends.  We actually prefer to "party" together.  But if you are both happy that way, then go for it.  If one person isn't comfortable with it, then the other should be willing to reach some type of compromise.  That's what marriage is- listening to your partner, and finding compromises that fulfill both people's needs.  One person compromising for the other, isn't wrong or bad even if you think he has the right to stay out all night.

But either way, I think you do get to a point in your life where the all night partying goes away.  We're way too exhausted to do something like that.  We have partied since dawn since college.  If we do go out with out friends, we're usually home by 1 am at the latest, because we're boring I guess.

NoneForUs

I don't think that married adults need to spend all night with their friends. Out of respect for each other and the marriage, a married person should come home after going out. I never stay out all night. I recently attended Gay Pride with my favorite gay couple. They wanted me to stay at their home for the night but I declined. I knew that my husband wanted me to come home so I did.

I believe that couples need to have their own lives and their own friends. Nobody needs to be joined at the hip just because he or she is married. My hubby is the clingy one in our marriage.

I would suggest having a discussion with your husband about this issue and coming to a compromise. I would also suggest developing some separate interests and visiting your friends more often. 

RamaLamaDD

Why wouldn't he see you before he goes out? I feel like I'm missing something here.

My husband literally wouldn't be able to go out without seeing me unless he went straight from work, and he wouldn't go out in his work clothes (mostly because he works construction and looks like a hobo at the end of the day) so he would have to come home, shower, change etc. and I would see him then.

SheMarie82

Unless it is logistically out of his way, why is it an issue to see you?  I would certainly not expect that my wife would drive 30 miles out of her way, but we both make an effort to see each other, if only for a smooch if we are going to be apart for the evening.  She is an official for sports, so there are lots of evenings that we are not together, and it isn't possible to communicate while she is there.  I also do a lot of volunteer work in the evenings.  Whenever possible, we find a place that works for both of us, to just see each other for a moment.  It isn't because she wants it, or because I do specifically, WE want to do so.

As far as staying overnight somewhere, I have full trust in my spouse and this would not be an issue.  We have separate lives, and that is a good thing.  But we have been together long enough that we know what the other would be comfortable with.

My preference would actually be to "party" with her, because I enjoy her company.  Normally if either of us are staying out with friends, they are all mutual friends so there is no concern.

Sisugal

How often does he go?  Is he staying overnight because he is drinking too much to drive home?
Both of those answers would help determine in my mind if I would be upset or not.
You both need some space to do things without the other, but you also both need to be considerate and respectful of each other as well.
IMO having fun does not mean getting drunk. You can drink responsibly or not drink at all and still have a good time.

mrsschlosser14

I think you both should have your own lives inside your marriage! But you both need to respect each other and understand one another's wants/needs. He sounds like he's a jerk to you instead of putting you first. After all, as married people it's our job to put our spouses first.

crimsonsaffron

Jeanna313 said:

My husband thinks that I am too clingy because I want to see him before he goes over to a friends house all night to party with his guy friends.  Even if it is only for a few minutes. I know i wont see him until after noon tomorrow.  We have gotten in the argument more times than I can count.  I always ask to see him before but he always says that i am ridiculous for even asking.  That i should be able to not see him for a night without being upset.  He always says he "wants to live his own life" and that I have "my own life".  Am i wrong in asking/wanting to see him before he is out all night?

The bolded is what I find worrying more than the partying. The two of you obviously need to find a compromise on what is right when he goes out, but the bigger problem is that he seems to think you're clingy and don't have your "own life". If I were you, I would think about whether or not I am being clingy and then talk to him about it...