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keverhart123

GilliC

How did you deal with these things before you got married? Did things change so much when you tied the knot?

Ilumine

Seriously, what did your husband do before you married?  Previous actions are pretty good indicators of future actions. 

VOR

Come on Gilli and Illumine - you KNOW that when you put a ring on it, the person magically changes into the 'perfect' being!  Catch up... 

rmusicus

What's more important to you, being right or being happy? That's your choice.

caitlin+elizabeth

I don't know if I can speak to this so much because my husband and I lived together for two years before we got married and had an entire household together - combined finances, shared car insurance, everything you could share without being married we shared. (Although we both still have separate health insurance through our respective employers.) I'm guessing you guys didn't live together before marriage, which is totally fine, not knocking that at all - we just happened to make that decision and I'm not saying that it's the right one or anything because you have to do what's right for you. And it also depends on your husband's personality - somehow I ended up with one who is really actually anal about those types of things (sometimes he's the one driving ME crazy with it!). He takes out trash, does dishes, does basic cleaning without being asked (usually), etc. I really think it's all about personality too. I think that perhaps since living together *might* be new to you both (and if that's not the case, then I don't know what might be wrong if he suddenly stopped doing things like that) that it just takes some time to adjust to your household as a couple. My husband and I had our issues when we first moved in of course but now it's all old hat. I think it really just takes time. As someone else said, is it more important to be right or to be happy? I know it's frustrating when your partner doesn't listen when you ask them to do something. I don't think there's any way to "train" your husband to do those things and I think it would just create problems. He's a grown man, and he should be able to figure it out for himself. And you don't have to clean up after him all the time either! You're not his mom! When you live together it should be a partnership. Maybe you guys could work out and split up certain chores that way one person does dishes, the other takes out trash, etc. But like anything, it's going to take some time. Nagging will just make him less likely to want to do anything. People don't respond to nagging and it just creates more stress. If you sit him down and have one discussion about it and make a game out of the chores I think that might help! Good luck, OP!

TarponMonoxide

keverhart123 said:

Okay so as a newlywed.. I'm discovering traits of my husband that drive me CRAAAZY! For example: he has a hard time doing simple things I ask him to do like taking out the trash, or putting things back where they go. How did you get your husband to do better about things like this? I don't expect him to be perfect.. but I do expect him to not be lazy and help around the house. 

Really?

Blame it on his parents, specifically his mother.

Willing to bet he had no chores as a kid growing up -- things like putting out the trash and putting things back when he was done using them --- and that's why he is the way he is.

Dumb parents. Wow --- it's only common sense and it's only right for a kid to pick up after himself when he is old enough to understand what it means, even if  you give them an allowance contingent upon doing as they are told with chores.

That said:

Talk to him.

Tell him point blank you are not his mother and he is to pick up after himself or you will leave whatever it is where it is and then stand in back of your claim.

If he leaves it...and you leave it..... he will finally GET IT.

GilliC

TarponMonoxide said:

If he leaves it...and you leave it..... he will finally GET IT.

Or not. It might not bother him. A lot of guys live in squalor during their bachelor days and have a pretty high threshold for grossness. (Of course, that would have been a huge red flag to me, but OP seems to equate getting married to adopting a puppy.)

TarponMonoxide

GilliC said:

If he leaves it...and you leave it..... he will finally GET IT.

Or not. It might not bother him. A lot of guys live in squalor during their bachelor days and have a pretty high threshold for grossness. (Of course, that would have been a huge red flag to me, but OP seems to equate getting married to adopting a puppy.)

Well, tough mammaries for him. I'd leave it and let it pile up and up and up.

When he wants clean clothes or clean dishes or clean anything or he needs to find x, y, or z pronto and stat (and it's in that pile of disgust somewhere) then let him hit rock bottom and get it that he has to clean up after himself.

GilliC

TarponMonoxide said:

GilliC said:

TarponMonoxide said:

If he leaves it...and you leave it..... he will finally GET IT.

Or not. It might not bother him. A lot of guys live in squalor during their bachelor days and have a pretty high threshold for grossness. (Of course, that would have been a huge red flag to me, but OP seems to equate getting married to adopting a puppy.)

Well, tough mammaries for him. I'd leave it and let it pile up and up and up.

When he wants clean clothes or clean dishes or clean anything or he needs to find x, y, or z pronto and stat (and it's in that pile of disgust somewhere) then let him hit rock bottom and get it that he has to clean up after himself.

Tough mammaries for you too, as you are left to live in a house with rotting trash and cook in a kitchen with molding dishes.

I had male roommates in the past that didn't blink an eye at moldy dishes. They'd clean what they needed and then let it fester once more. My leaving the mess definitely didn't teach them to clean it up, because they didn't mind it. Meanwhile I wanted to vomit every time I went into the kitchen.

TarponMonoxide

Nope...let HIS shit stay where it is.

What a mess this is. Married less than a year: he is a slob, he is "not very good" at sex but you are ready to conceive (no you're not) and you have money problems that required that the 2 of you move in with your father.

What the heck is going on here?

How long did the 2 of you even know each other before you decided to get married?

Everything needs to be fixed and right now before everything comes to a head.

As you know, sex and money (and religion) are 3 of the biggies couples will fight about. Ugly issues once one or more of of the 3 materializes.

Bottom line:

He can't let you pick up after him
The sex problem has to be fixed
Your money problems need to be resolved.

And for you: build your self confidence; for now, as I suggested, a makeover --- a simple change in haircut will do and a new makeup look will help wonders. And stop wearing crummy baggy clothes if you're of size right now: get something that fits and flatters and in bold vibrant colors.  No baggy pants, no sweats and no shitty hooded sweattops, if you're wearing them.

ETA: the OP DD the post and the title -- which was Help; he is a slob.

Not cool.

mellowmarshmallow

DH did not keep his house as clean as I would have liked before we got married. Throughout the time we have been married, it has been a compromise. I let him know what needs to be done and that it bothers me when he says he will do something and then doesn't. I have learned to let some things go. If a dish sits out a couple days or if we don't vacuum every couple weeks, we will survive. If you have calmly explained this type of thing to him and he does not respect you enough to change his behavior, that's not a good sign.