..

keverhart123

vlagrl29

It's never been hard for us to talk about sex.  After I had the baby and I was left with all the baby weight I wasn't into it at all.  As the weight came off I slowly got more into it.  Maybe you can work on loosing weight.  Being active is also a great thing for your sex drive.  Sometimes it just takes actually takes having sex even if you aren't into it, to get back into the grove.  If you don't feel like having sex maybe you can start with oral and see where that takes you.

rmusicus

For what it's worth, I make sex a priority. Did you ever watch that TV show "7 Days of Sex"? The couples that have lost their connection and intimacy must have sex every day for a week.

I have a great sex life in this, my second marriage, but I make it a priority. Plus I don't want him getting it somewhere else. Not that he would, but who knows?

TarponMonoxide

keverhart123 said:

When my husband and I are newly married, but when first got together, our sex life was great! And over time I have lost my sex drive.. I honestly could go months without it and not care. But I know a man needs it... I've gained quite a bit of weight of the years we've been together and I strongly believe that's why I'm just not into it. I feel self-conscious, I don't feel beautiful or sexy, and it's a big turn off for me. Also, he's not very.. good. We're slowly working on it.. but it's not there. How can I help our sex life get back to where it was?? And how did you get comfortable talking about the subject? 

You were hot togeher at the start due to horniness.

And you "lost" your sex drive becusae things changed with him and not for the better.

A "man needs it"??? REALLY??? What the eff? is this 1914?

And what the eff with this:

I have a great sex life in this, my second marriage, but I make it a priority. Plus I don't want him getting it somewhere else.


You need a broader minded approach to sex too, rmusicus.

OP: You need:

1-A more mature and broadminded view of sex and its dynamics --- a "man needs it" -- thanks for the laugh.  Believe it or not there are guys who are not all that sexual, or are asexual or have chosen to stay celibate for their own personal reasons that do not include religious reasons.

2-a way to get psyched for sex.

3-Sex manuals for the both of you and..

4-COMMUNICATION. With each other. That is KEY.

I suggest you masturbate and do so, starting now.  Chances are you never have.

Get a makeover; new haircut and some new makeup; that'll boost your self confidence while you're in the midst of losing weight --- I suggest Weight Watchers or some other healthy diet.

What gives? First you said your sex life was great at the start and then at the end you say "he's not very good." Clarify, if you will.

Sisugal

The more you do it - the more you will want to do it.  The more you do not do it - the more you won't.

So he is a slob, not very good in bed and you guys have financial problems. Why did you get married?  How old are you both?
Sounds like some lala land thinking going on here.

TarponMonoxide

Sisugal said:

The more you do it - the more you will want to do it.  The more you do not do it - the more you won't.

So he is a slob, not very good in bed and you guys have financial problems. Why did you get married?  How old are you both?

Sounds like some lala land thinking going on here.

Indeed....what happened here that he went from "great" (as in your sex life was great) to "not very good"?

Unless you and he have fallen into a bad sexual rut.

Chances are he never was very good. It's up to him to fix this with you and successfully.

This is a problem that needs to be addressed by you and he together and a problem that has to be fixed by the both of you.

Twice a week for sex would be great. If he can't even make the effort to do that, it's pretty bad.  If he won't make the effort to check out some sex manuals with you  -- get the kind written specifically for committed couples --- then he's got a problem.

Don't accept lip services or empty promises. Like it or not, there is a crisis in your marriage and it has to have successful resolution.

You are married less than a year. None of this sounds good.

Until I read your finance post, I could have sworn you and he were married 10 years or more, judging by what you described.

Fix your money problems -- and do not TTC until the sex problem and the money problem are resolved successfully. ANd when those problems are fixed wait a good 3 years!

Your marriage needs "legs" and if you are having problems making ends meet now, what do you think adding a baby to the picture right now will do? Think about it.

I'll repeat what I said over there:

Stop eating out
Cut out unneccesary expenses
Coupons, coupons, coupons!
Do not TTC.
Make one main meal for the week on Sunday and have that for dinner all week long.
Shop only on clearance racks and wait for sales to happen before you buy anything at all
Cut out eating with coworkers frequently; brown bag your lunch! (and give up empty calorie losers: if you like lattes and other frothy coffee drinks, forget 'em: full of sugar and empty calories and it all adds up)
Take a bus or train to work
Walk when you can

And yes, there are for free or nearly for freee things to do in every community; do that for a date night out with your H instead of a dinner and something else that costs money.

I am curious to know how long you dated before the 2 of you considered marriage. I am guessing far less than a year.

keverhart123

Well @TarponMonoxide thank you for taking an interest in my blogs.. 

But let me correct you on all the assumptions you made about me..

1. H and I have been together for more than 1 year.. lets try 5. 

2. I'm not a slob, I don't wear baggy clothes, sweatshirts, and sweat pants all the time. Sure a girl likes to be comfortable so there are days I might wear some comfy clothes.. excuse me. Don't criticize on me having a lack of confidence. You gain over 100 pounds and jump 5 pant sizes in 6 years and tell me just how confident you are. 

3. Yes, I emotionally and mentally am ready for a baby. If you have read my post, you would have read that we cannot have a baby because we are not financially ready. I'm not selfish, and I will not bring a baby into this world until I can financially provide for one. Why do you think I was seeking tips and advice from fellow nesties? So I can get to the point where I can provide for a family.  

4. My husband had chores while he was kid, he lived with his grandma who was very strict about a clean house. So no, you cannot blame it on his parents because they weren't around. You can't blame it on his grandma because she is a clean neat freak. Maybe he takes me for granted.. maybe he is lazy. Either way he was not always like this. 

5. How we spent money for our wedding was never a concern.. If we wanted a nice day that we would remember for the rest of the lives, that's what we had with the help of our family. Our wedding was just where we saw our debt problem forming. Should we have caught it then and fixed it before it got so bad? Probably. But we're human. Humans make mistakes. We're new at being married. We're still learning how this works.  

So after all this, I want to thank you for making me feel discouraged about posting my issues on here. I simply do this for tips, and to hear how Nesties who have gone through the same problems got out of it. Not to be bashed and definitely not to feel like shit. 

doeydo

keverhart123 said:

Well @TarponMonoxide thank you for taking an interest in my blogs.. 

But let me correct you on all the assumptions you made about me..

1. H and I have been together for more than 1 year.. lets try 5. 

2. I'm not a slob, I don't wear baggy clothes, sweatshirts, and sweat pants all the time. Sure a girl likes to be comfortable so there are days I might wear some comfy clothes.. excuse me. Don't criticize on me having a lack of confidence. You gain over 100 pounds and jump 5 pant sizes in 6 years and tell me just how confident you are. 

3. Yes, I emotionally and mentally am ready for a baby. If you have read my post, you would have read that we cannot have a baby because we are not financially ready. I'm not selfish, and I will not bring a baby into this world until I can financially provide for one. Why do you think I was seeking tips and advice from fellow nesties? So I can get to the point where I can provide for a family.  

4. My husband had chores while he was kid, he lived with his grandma who was very strict about a clean house. So no, you cannot blame it on his parents because they weren't around. You can't blame it on his grandma because she is a clean neat freak. Maybe he takes me for granted.. maybe he is lazy. Either way he was not always like this. 

5. How we spent money for our wedding was never a concern.. If we wanted a nice day that we would remember for the rest of the lives, that's what we had with the help of our family. Our wedding was just where we saw our debt problem forming. Should we have caught it then and fixed it before it got so bad? Probably. But we're human. Humans make mistakes. We're new at being married. We're still learning how this works.  

So after all this, I want to thank you for making me feel discouraged about posting my issues on here. I simply do this for tips, and to hear how Nesties who have gone through the same problems got out of it. Not to be bashed and definitely not to feel like shit. 

QFP.  

Bashed?  Seriously?  You need to get out more.

TarponMonoxide

keverhart123 said:

Well @TarponMonoxide thank you for taking an interest in my blogs.

Wasn't your blogs...it was your other 2 posts you had here on The Nest.. 

But let me correct you on all the assumptions you made about me..

1. H and I have been together for more than 1 year.. lets try 5. 

2. I'm not a slob, I don't wear baggy clothes, sweatshirts, and sweat pants all the time. Sure a girl likes to be comfortable so there are days I might wear some comfy clothes.. excuse me. Don't criticize on me having a lack of confidence. You gain over 100 pounds and jump 5 pant sizes in 6 years and tell me just how confident you are.

I never said you were * a slob*.  Bigger baggier clothes tend to make you look larger, even when you're losing weight and you're "between sizes.".

There are plenty of actresses of size -- Melissa McCarthy and Camryn Manheim always look fantastic; gorgeous women; add Queen Latifah to the list, also --- there is a substantial actress named Christina Hendricks; she too is on the largish size -- she's probably a size 16 -- and she looks great, too -- it's like the say: "Clothes make the man" and in this case, the lady.

I had a coworker who was maybe a size 26 - the only dresses she wore to work were sheath style dresses: she really could pull off that style. Looked great on her.

I suggested a makeover and a new haircut. Will work wonders to pick up your spirits and you'll feel a lot better, too. Look your best no matter what your size is.:)

3. Yes, I emotionally and mentally am ready for a baby. If you have read my post, you would have read that we cannot have a baby because we are not financially ready. I'm not selfish, and I will not bring a baby into this world until I can financially provide for one. Why do you think I was seeking tips and advice from fellow nesties? So I can get to the point where I can provide for a family. 

I hope you mean "I" in a hypothetical way, not as in you are going to foot the whole bill for a family. That is an issue that is jointly addressed.

That you feel ready is great -- but kids are not cheap. All of the pieces have to be in place. It's a must that you be able to easily afford an extra addition to the family.

You can't expect your family to pick up part of the tab on that.

There is no telling *how long* it will take --- don't put yourself on a time clock for this one. Don't play that kind of game; Rome wasn't built in a day; it is going to be a cumulatifve effect. Thank God you have your dad to live with --- it will be a bit easier to start saving money.

You guys are going to want a house someday soon, too, I am sure -- it'll make it easier for you to attain that goal because of your current living arrangement -- a definite plus for he and you.:)

IT's a struggle for a buck right now and you've just started your marriage -- the wise thing to do is wait.  Don't consider a child right now if you are having trouble financially.

4. My husband had chores while he was kid, he lived with his grandma who was very strict about a clean house. So no, you cannot blame it on his parents because they weren't around. You can't blame it on his grandma because she is a clean neat freak. Maybe he takes me for granted.. maybe he is lazy. Either way he was not always like this.

Okay, he was not always like this. He can't keep pinning the rose on you; it isn't fair to you in the first place. You need to talk to him about pitching in and he has to comply with no argument.

5. How we spent money for our wedding was never a concern.. If we wanted a nice day that we would remember for the rest of the lives, that's what we had with the help of our family.

See? There ya go...you can't be asking family to help out; I am from the school that says "have a wedding you can afford" even if it's an intimate scaled down guest list type. It is the quality of your guests that counts, not quantity.:)


Our wedding was just where we saw our debt problem forming. Should we have caught it then and fixed it before it got so bad? Probably. But we're human. Humans make mistakes. We're new at being married. We're still learning how this works.  

Sorry, but here is where I disagree: if you can't afford a large elaborate expensive wedding, you don't have one. That's how it should be.

Don't go into hock for one day: it isn't worth it.

You and he needed to sit down and plan a wedding based on whateer funds you had that were readily available, only for that purpose. It it was 2grand  or 5 grand or 20 grand -- whatever the amount that you earmarked without going into debt for the affair! ---- then have an affair that costs that much.  Screw the Joneses and anybody else who is keeping score.:)

So after all this, I want to thank you for making me feel discouraged about posting my issues on here. I simply do this for tips, and to hear how Nesties who have gone through the same problems got out of it. Not to be bashed and definitely not to feel like shit. 

I don't sugar coat things.  Nobody "bashed" you -- as you can see, you're in the real world and now it's bills and money woes and things cost. 

There is a couple we know who got married -- the bride's parents took out a second mortgage and went way overboard with the wedding: top notch $150 per plate venue, paid for the limo, the flowers, the band, the bride's gown --- they paid for everything, even purchased a dining room set for their daughter and FSIL ---- and now her parents are in hock for over 70K. 

You think they'll ever get out of that? they are in their late 50s and are modest people of modest means and the bride's mother, in fact, lost her job about 6 months before the day; her company was moving about 2 hours away and she didn't "go" with the company. She didn't want the commute.

All this because "She really loves John"???

Unrealistic. And very stupid, really.

I am sure you spent enough time on The Knot to see what kind of creativity and ingenuity that strict budget couples have when it comes to planning a wedding on tight funds. (and I would not do it again, either: maybe take 10 of our nearest and dearest to somewhere like a big city and have a fun and intmate wedding there -- as it said: Quality, not quantity)

I can cite another example: the couple who had a traditional 150 guest wedding planned; they decided to hell with it and took a small group of friends into Chicago and that is where they got married. They saved a ton of money and guess what....it was a nice day to remember! Quality, not quantity!

TarponMonoxide

What  the....- you deleted your post and you zapped the title.

Bad Sex Life is what I believe it was entitled.

(and this is why I quote the OP...you never know when the OP throws a snit and zaps everything)

This isn't cool --- there may be somebody who wishes to give advice...tips, as you like to call them., Right?

ANd not only is this not cool, it's childish. C'mon...stand behind your words. Be an adult.

TarponMonoxide

Just a friendly PS:

Get your thyroid checked. In fact, get a full and complete checkup.

That is a great deal of weight to gain over that period of time --- perhaps your problem is an underactive thyroid or some thyroid disease.

vlagrl29

TarponMonoxide said:

keverhart123 said:

Well @TarponMonoxide thank you for taking an interest in my blogs.

Wasn't your blogs...it was your other 2 posts you had here on The Nest.. 

But let me correct you on all the assumptions you made about me..

1. H and I have been together for more than 1 year.. lets try 5. 

2. I'm not a slob, I don't wear baggy clothes, sweatshirts, and sweat pants all the time. Sure a girl likes to be comfortable so there are days I might wear some comfy clothes.. excuse me. Don't criticize on me having a lack of confidence. You gain over 100 pounds and jump 5 pant sizes in 6 years and tell me just how confident you are.

I never said you were * a slob*.  Bigger baggier clothes tend to make you look larger, even when you're losing weight and you're "between sizes.".

There are plenty of actresses of size -- Melissa McCarthy and Camryn Manheim always look fantastic; gorgeous women; add Queen Latifah to the list, also --- there is a substantial actress named Christina Hendricks; she too is on the largish size -- she's probably a size 16 -- and she looks great, too -- it's like the say: "Clothes make the man" and in this case, the lady.

I had a coworker who was maybe a size 26 - the only dresses she wore to work were sheath style dresses: she really could pull off that style. Looked great on her.

I suggested a makeover and a new haircut. Will work wonders to pick up your spirits and you'll feel a lot better, too. Look your best no matter what your size is.:)

3. Yes, I emotionally and mentally am ready for a baby. If you have read my post, you would have read that we cannot have a baby because we are not financially ready. I'm not selfish, and I will not bring a baby into this world until I can financially provide for one. Why do you think I was seeking tips and advice from fellow nesties? So I can get to the point where I can provide for a family. 

I hope you mean "I" in a hypothetical way, not as in you are going to foot the whole bill for a family. That is an issue that is jointly addressed.

That you feel ready is great -- but kids are not cheap. All of the pieces have to be in place. It's a must that you be able to easily afford an extra addition to the family.

You can't expect your family to pick up part of the tab on that.

There is no telling *how long* it will take --- don't put yourself on a time clock for this one. Don't play that kind of game; Rome wasn't built in a day; it is going to be a cumulatifve effect. Thank God you have your dad to live with --- it will be a bit easier to start saving money.

You guys are going to want a house someday soon, too, I am sure -- it'll make it easier for you to attain that goal because of your current living arrangement -- a definite plus for he and you.:)

IT's a struggle for a buck right now and you've just started your marriage -- the wise thing to do is wait.  Don't consider a child right now if you are having trouble financially.

4. My husband had chores while he was kid, he lived with his grandma who was very strict about a clean house. So no, you cannot blame it on his parents because they weren't around. You can't blame it on his grandma because she is a clean neat freak. Maybe he takes me for granted.. maybe he is lazy. Either way he was not always like this.

Okay, he was not always like this. He can't keep pinning the rose on you; it isn't fair to you in the first place. You need to talk to him about pitching in and he has to comply with no argument.

5. How we spent money for our wedding was never a concern.. If we wanted a nice day that we would remember for the rest of the lives, that's what we had with the help of our family.

See? There ya go...you can't be asking family to help out; I am from the school that says "have a wedding you can afford" even if it's an intimate scaled down guest list type. It is the quality of your guests that counts, not quantity.:)


Our wedding was just where we saw our debt problem forming. Should we have caught it then and fixed it before it got so bad? Probably. But we're human. Humans make mistakes. We're new at being married. We're still learning how this works.  

Sorry, but here is where I disagree: if you can't afford a large elaborate expensive wedding, you don't have one. That's how it should be.

Don't go into hock for one day: it isn't worth it.

You and he needed to sit down and plan a wedding based on whateer funds you had that were readily available, only for that purpose. It it was 2grand  or 5 grand or 20 grand -- whatever the amount that you earmarked without going into debt for the affair! ---- then have an affair that costs that much.  Screw the Joneses and anybody else who is keeping score.:)

So after all this, I want to thank you for making me feel discouraged about posting my issues on here. I simply do this for tips, and to hear how Nesties who have gone through the same problems got out of it. Not to be bashed and definitely not to feel like shit. 

I don't sugar coat things.  Nobody "bashed" you -- as you can see, you're in the real world and now it's bills and money woes and things cost. 

There is a couple we know who got married -- the bride's parents took out a second mortgage and went way overboard with the wedding: top notch $150 per plate venue, paid for the limo, the flowers, the band, the bride's gown --- they paid for everything, even purchased a dining room set for their daughter and FSIL ---- and now her parents are in hock for over 70K. 

You think they'll ever get out of that? they are in their late 50s and are modest people of modest means and the bride's mother, in fact, lost her job about 6 months before the day; her company was moving about 2 hours away and she didn't "go" with the company. She didn't want the commute.

All this because "She really loves John"???

Unrealistic. And very stupid, really.

I am sure you spent enough time on The Knot to see what kind of creativity and ingenuity that strict budget couples have when it comes to planning a wedding on tight funds. (and I would not do it again, either: maybe take 10 of our nearest and dearest to somewhere like a big city and have a fun and intmate wedding there -- as it said: Quality, not quantity)

I can cite another example: the couple who had a traditional 150 guest wedding planned; they decided to hell with it and took a small group of friends into Chicago and that is where they got married. They saved a ton of money and guess what....it was a nice day to remember! Quality, not quantity!

That mom is crazy!  Watch that marriage not even last.  We played at a wedding recently where the reception was at the most expensive performing arts hall in town and had around 400 guests.  The wedding had about 250.  I have this theory that the more you spend on the wedding the less likely the marriage will last because it's all based on fantasy.

TarponMonoxide

Vlagirl: let the ultra rich and society peeps spend that kind of money! Who the heck invites that many people, unless you're from some  large ethnic family --- I associate a 400 person reception with Greeks and Italians and Armenians.:)

That wedding where the parents paid for all was "the same" as any other wedding: same ole reception hall, same ole everything. It wasn't even like itwas held in some unique offbeat and tony place.

I gurantee you that the parents are still paying off that second mortgage. And who knows what they got shanghaied into considering the housing bust. Never ever spend more than you can afford. Love is grand but bill collectors SUCK.:)

That marriage did NOT last. It was doomed from the start; the couple couldn't decide together on where to live. They moved to 2 or 3 states and then she threw in the towel and called it quits. I saw that one coming. Sad.:(

oldbugle

....Having to smile here!...Tarpy on top form with this.