Trouble in Paradise
veganMaus
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Frustrated
I just need to vent. Here goes...
My husband won't have sex with me. Not because he is cheating, but because he is always (I really don't know, but I am guessing) not feeling well. His complaints: 1. I feel bloated, 2. I ate too much, 3. my body hurts (mind you he does not have a stressful nor back-breaking job; he takes care of fish and plants all day!). This is a nightly thing. We have sex about every other week and I would like to have it at least every other day. Why? Because I want to start a family. I want a baby. So I can't help but think that he is subconsciously sabotaging my wants. I feel lost, lonely, and yearning for something more. I love my husband and would NEVER leave him in any way, but I don't want to feel sad anymore. I guess I just need a change, a goal. He is content with only having his comfortable job. He makes half of what I do, so I feel like I am always carrying the weight. I pay for EVERYTHING. And he pays for "toys" for himself. I simply don't feel special anymore in his eyes. I feel as if he has grown too comfortable with me doing everything that now I have to carry the burden of our life. I don't want to feel this way. I want a child so much that it hurts when others talk about their children, when I see children in public, on television, etc. I am thinking about going back to school to get my masters just so I have something else to focus on and take my mind off of this absence. I want him to go to school as well, but he is so afraid of change I fear he will never go. I am at a loss. I need some advice. Please. And thanks for "listening".
Re: Frustrated
Talk to him.
The financial arrangement with you paying for all needs to GO. Why are you doing this? If he isn't out of work or disabled and he cannot work, another story --- hey, if he has a job, he needs to be pulling his load. No excuses.
Ultimately and optimally, both your paychecks need to go into a savings account and from there, all the bills and expenses are paid.
You also need to be a team for everything -- seems as though the I in TEAMWORK is busy giving you lip service and excuses as well as letting you pull the financial load.
Don't stand for this.
Tonight, talk to him -- no interruptions, no texts coming in and nobody checking a damn phone to see who is texting or what not --- you need to get resolution on this as in starting TOMORROW.
He can manage sex at least 2 times a week. Not a bad goal to upkeep.
I am wondering what is in this for you. As I said, seems as thuogh you have a roommate and a slacker one, at that. You do not have a partner and a teammate.
Get resolution on this and if he doesn't contribute to making YOU happy, you'll have to decide where to go from there. GL.
PS: NO TTC with him at all --- until you get this resolved --- and even if you do resolve this, i am wondering exactly what kind of guy he really is --- is he truly qualified to be a father??? If he gives you lame excuses for sex, what does he give you when the baby is crying, the baby is sick or the baby is up every couple hours wanting to be fed? What will he do when the child is older and needs things like attention when the kiddo has a nightmare, he's gotten into a tiff with his friend at school and the kid is upset or the teacher rings up and says your child's a problem in school???
I am guessing he will make excuses...and leave you holding the bag.
On the home front, he's been wishy washy.
What will he be on the parent front???
He isn't doing that.
He can manage 2 times a week. He simply doesn't want to make the effort.
This thread is starting to sound like the news story where the guy kept a spreadsheet of his wife's excuxes --- the OP's H is starting to sound like that guy's wife.
The bottom line:
IS she happy overall?
Doesn't look like it.
He had to be this wishy washy and dull before they were married. Their sex life had to be the same unless he was indulging her more for her benefit and not for his also or maybe she thought that he'd turn into a stud and a 60 minute man after they said I do.
And as we know, that's where the big change is -- when the officiant says I now pronounce you man and wife.
He's hardly above room temperature when it comes to satisfying you, his wife. He's got his own little toys, his own world and he keeps his entire salary for himself --- and you pull the financial load and you are wondering how large of a fire you need to light under his carcass to get him interested -- get him interested in you, in another job or furthering his education.
What is in this for you???
You are providing this guy with what --- room and board and meals and clean laundry and a clean home and a maid service --- all for free! -- while he does nothing at all.
THe more I think about it, the more I see that there is nothing in this "deal" for you.
Either he shapes up --- financially and sexually and in every other department --- or you ship him OUT -- and you find a live man who is interested in life, in the future and is interested in simply not getting enough of you in bed....and who is also dying to start a family with you!
Your "H" is dead weight.
Do you need this?
Really???
She should have refused to pay for all?
That...and be angry as unholy hell!
Where is HIS money going??? You can bet it isn't in a joint account.
This isn't a healthy marriage. He holds the lamp while she cuts the wood? Not right.
When these 2 got engaged, didn’t they discuss how their money would be saved and spent?
There is no communication here.
You are to discuss everything – and ultimately this all should be squared away before you decide to marry somebody; for all you know, you may not like his views about money, sex, how many kids you should have, where you are going to live or some other issue. That’s when you have free will to say goodbye…or where you have free will to continue seeing this person.
Should have been discussed before you 2 got married and how did the OP even become the main supply of money for the 2 of them? I’m curious to know how she agreed to that one.
There’s a bigger problem at hand here than how many times she has sex with this guy or how many excuses His Highness cooks up to get out of servicing hsi wife--- it is an unhealthy dynamic. It’s like she’s his mother and not his wife and equal.
She needs to talk to him tonigiht about the money issue --- forget the sex issue; the money issue is much more important.
If she can’t get resolution on the money issue -- and I would say the resolution has to be immediate ---, she should decide to hit the road.
Any guy who happily permits his partner to pull the whole financial load while he sits by and keeps all of “his” money (which is really THEIR MONEY) is a pig and a nothing.
Who would be stupid enough to share a BED with this prime shit? Think about it. He is spending their money on toys for himself and he is not providing fror his wife.. How is that even right or permissible?
I will probably always make more than my partner, simply because of the field I'm in. I chose it because I love it and I'm good at it. So I don't think my earning more should imply anything bad about my SO, simply because his aptitude and interest translated into a lower-paying field. What's so wrong with the wife earning more than her husband?!*
Totally thread-jacking here. Sorry OP.
*Thanks for subtly contributing to the pay gap!
The disturbing part is that he isn't lifting a finger financially. How is he okay with that? Maybe that was the agreement at the start, I don't know -- but is it a beneficial agreement? I don't think so.
The OP needs to talk to her H about all of the problems and the first one being the financial arrangement. Things need an updating badly and if he refuses, that's a whole other issue altogether.