Married Life
tickledpink1843
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Husband is generally uninvolved.
My husband and I have been married for 4 years and together for 9. He's a very easy going and laid back person and so am I, for the most part. He works away from home, full time, and I own my own business and stay home during the week and work 2-5 weekday evenings a month and on 2-3 weekend days. Because of our different work schedules I understand that it's fair for me to do more of the housework since I am home more. Here's the issue. The ONLY household thing my husband does (and I usually have to nag him about it) is mow the lawn. He doesn't even tend to the garden or edge... I do that part. Oh, he does do his own laundry ...it's always been that way.
I pay all the bills, clean the entire house, grocery shop, make meals, and I even make his haircut and doctor appointments. He will complain about his hair being too long and unmanageable for WEEKS and still won't make the appointment on his own. I eventually get tired of his complaining and make it for him. If I don't do it he'll go 3-4 months without a haircut. Seriously. He is a very sweet guy and will do just about anything that I ASK him to do, but he does not take the initiative to do anything on his own. There have been many times that we're getting ready to have friends over and I'm running around like a mad woman cleaning and preparing food and he will complete the task that I've asked him to do and then immediately go sit down until I ask him to do something else. He can clearly see that I am stressed but does not ask if I need help.
This also goes for date nights and joint activities. I'm almost always the one who suggests going out to eat, or planning a getting together with our friends.
I have talked to him about this. I'll go on this long winded explanation of my feelings and he responds with a short "I'm sorry, I'll do better." I just sort of look at him and think, "That's it? I just spent 2 minutes explaining to you how I feel and you give me a 2 second response?" I guess it makes me feel like he wasn't listening and/or unvalidated. Also, even though he says he'll do more he may do more for a couple days and then slip back into his old habits. Today we were talking about it again and he gave his usual response of "I can do more" and I said "I know you can, but I don't know that you will or that you even want to." and he got really mad at me.
I'm just really frustrated and don't know where to begin to help this. He has always been like this to an extent...he's the type of person who needs a little nudge to get motivated some times. I do feel that it has gotten much worse as time has gone on. Tips?
I pay all the bills, clean the entire house, grocery shop, make meals, and I even make his haircut and doctor appointments. He will complain about his hair being too long and unmanageable for WEEKS and still won't make the appointment on his own. I eventually get tired of his complaining and make it for him. If I don't do it he'll go 3-4 months without a haircut. Seriously. He is a very sweet guy and will do just about anything that I ASK him to do, but he does not take the initiative to do anything on his own. There have been many times that we're getting ready to have friends over and I'm running around like a mad woman cleaning and preparing food and he will complete the task that I've asked him to do and then immediately go sit down until I ask him to do something else. He can clearly see that I am stressed but does not ask if I need help.
This also goes for date nights and joint activities. I'm almost always the one who suggests going out to eat, or planning a getting together with our friends.
I have talked to him about this. I'll go on this long winded explanation of my feelings and he responds with a short "I'm sorry, I'll do better." I just sort of look at him and think, "That's it? I just spent 2 minutes explaining to you how I feel and you give me a 2 second response?" I guess it makes me feel like he wasn't listening and/or unvalidated. Also, even though he says he'll do more he may do more for a couple days and then slip back into his old habits. Today we were talking about it again and he gave his usual response of "I can do more" and I said "I know you can, but I don't know that you will or that you even want to." and he got really mad at me.
I'm just really frustrated and don't know where to begin to help this. He has always been like this to an extent...he's the type of person who needs a little nudge to get motivated some times. I do feel that it has gotten much worse as time has gone on. Tips?
Re: Husband is generally uninvolved.
None of what you have described is typical of an adult or normal for an adult.
The trick is to do some reasearch and show him what you've found and getnly suggest he be evaluated.
You might want to see a mental health professional and tell him or her what you told us. I am willing to bet that he or she will say the same thing: your H needs to be evaluated for one of the above (or maybe something else I have not listed)
If this is the case -- he has one of those issues --- nothing will change unless he seeks therapy for it.
He needs to be tested for his own benefit --- so he can be treated and get therapy for his problem --- and so that your dynamic will be that of a husband and wife. Right now you are more like his boss or his mother --- you are doing it all because he cannot stay on track and on task.
You know, he has always said that he has thought he has some sort of ADD. I definitely don't think it'd be ADHD or Autism. He always did well in school and he does well at work, so...I am not really sure.
I will say that he is very good at focusing at one thing and seems to pour all of his energy into what's "important" -- i.e. work. When he gets home it's like he doesn't have the capability to focus on anything else because he is worn out from doing it at work all day.
When he came home last night he noticed the dishwasher had been loaded and washed and he emptied it unprompted by me, which is pretty unusual and I was thankful.
DH and I make it a point to thank each other all the time. He takes the trash out, I thank him for doing a task that I hate. I vacuum, he thanks me and says the house looks great. It might seem weird to think that we have lived together for a while and both have our regular "duties" that we do every week anyways, but we still make a point of thanking each other for those things and it makes all the difference. We both feel appreciated for the things we do around the house and are more likely to do them without the other having to ask.
You say your husband is a wonderful, sweet man so he probably really does want to make you happy. If you make a point to thank him when he does something (even if you're feeling annoyed about all the things he hasn't done yet), and provide positive reinforcement, maybe he'll start to associate the fact that doing things around the house without being asked = making my wife happy.
But - that aside, I really do appreciate it when DH does stuff for me/us. And I feel appreciated whenever he thanks me. I feel this is an important component to all relationsihps.