My Husband Ruined Our First Anniversary

BroncoInNC

Husband and I got married last June. It took him 7 years to propose so as you can probably imagine, finally reaching our first anniversary was really important to me. I was invited to a work conference out of town and would return on the evening of our anniversary. I even asked him if he had any objections to me going, in case he had something planned for the occassion. Leading up to our anniversary, I thought long and hard about what to get him, something meaningful, while sticking to the first anniverary paper theme. We had gone to a concert last fall and Husband REALLY wanted a concert poster, but they had all sold out before we could get one. I found one on eBay (with about an extra $100 added to the pricetag) but happily purchased it because I had a few extra dollars and I knew he would love it. About a month before our anniversary, I spilled the beans and told him because I just couldn't contain it, knowing how excited he'd be about it. He had mentioned potentially having our wedding photos put into an album (like a Shutterfly, or similar) and giving that as my anniversary gift, which I was completely okay with. He never brought it up again so I thought maybe he dropped the idea. Fast forward to our anniversary. We had talked earlier in the day and I said it was totally fine if we put off our anniversary dinner since I knew I'd be worn out from a full day of traveling. I come home and we exchange cards. And that's it. No flowers, no candy, no gift of any kind. He had not made any romantic dinner plans for later in the week, had not mentioned that my gift was in the mail, nada. I excused myself to our bedroom and lost my composure. My husband got me nothing but a lame card without even a heartfelt message inside.

We didn't talk for two days. We didn't eat our wedding cake. We never had our anniversary dinner. I never got a thing. He reasoned that he was going to make that photo book so that was going to be my gift. Note: he didn't work on the thing. It doesn't exist, even digitally yet. We got past it, but I'm not over it. He's well aware of that, too. He's made no effort to make it up to me, one month later.

What do I do? How can we move past this? I guess I didn't realize how important our first anniversary was to me, and I guess I didn't realize that it wasn't at all important to him beforehand. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I really didn't expect anything extravagant since our finances are tight right now, but flowers and some takeout by candle light would have sufficed.

Please help. I know that I have to get over this, but I'm still just...so....hurt.

artbyallie

BroncoInNC said:

Husband and I got married last June. It took him 7 years to propose so as you can probably imagine, finally reaching our first anniversary was really important to me. I was invited to a work conference out of town and would return on the evening of our anniversary. I even asked him if he had any objections to me going, in case he had something planned for the occassion. Leading up to our anniversary, I thought long and hard about what to get him, something meaningful, while sticking to the first anniverary paper theme. We had gone to a concert last fall and Husband REALLY wanted a concert poster, but they had all sold out before we could get one. I found one on eBay (with about an extra $100 added to the pricetag) but happily purchased it because I had a few extra dollars and I knew he would love it. About a month before our anniversary, I spilled the beans and told him because I just couldn't contain it, knowing how excited he'd be about it. He had mentioned potentially having our wedding photos put into an album (like a Shutterfly, or similar) and giving that as my anniversary gift, which I was completely okay with. He never brought it up again so I thought maybe he dropped the idea. Fast forward to our anniversary. We had talked earlier in the day and I said it was totally fine if we put off our anniversary dinner since I knew I'd be worn out from a full day of traveling. I come home and we exchange cards. And that's it. No flowers, no candy, no gift of any kind. He had not made any romantic dinner plans for later in the week, had not mentioned that my gift was in the mail, nada. I excused myself to our bedroom and lost my composure. My husband got me nothing but a lame card without even a heartfelt message inside. We didn't talk for two days. We didn't eat our wedding cake. We never had our anniversary dinner. I never got a thing. He reasoned that he was going to make that photo book so that was going to be my gift. Note: he didn't work on the thing. It doesn't exist, even digitally yet. We got past it, but I'm not over it. He's well aware of that, too. He's made no effort to make it up to me, one month later. What do I do? How can we move past this? I guess I didn't realize how important our first anniversary was to me, and I guess I didn't realize that it wasn't at all important to him beforehand. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I really didn't expect anything extravagant since our finances are tight right now, but flowers and some takeout by candle light would have sufficed. Please help. I know that I have to get over this, but I'm still just...so....hurt.

Talk. To. Him.

He's not a mind reader. He may still not realize how important this was to you. But you do have to be willing to forgive him as well, because you seem rather resentful even a month later, which is very unhealthy.

TarponMonoxide

BroncoInNC said:

Husband and I got married last June. It took him 7 years to propose so as you can probably imagine, finally reaching our first anniversary was really important to me. I was invited to a work conference out of town and would return on the evening of our anniversary. I even asked him if he had any objections to me going, in case he had something planned for the occassion. Leading up to our anniversary, I thought long and hard about what to get him, something meaningful, while sticking to the first anniverary paper theme. We had gone to a concert last fall and Husband REALLY wanted a concert poster, but they had all sold out before we could get one. I found one on eBay (with about an extra $100 added to the pricetag) but happily purchased it because I had a few extra dollars and I knew he would love it. About a month before our anniversary, I spilled the beans and told him because I just couldn't contain it, knowing how excited he'd be about it. He had mentioned potentially having our wedding photos put into an album (like a Shutterfly, or similar) and giving that as my anniversary gift, which I was completely okay with. He never brought it up again so I thought maybe he dropped the idea. Fast forward to our anniversary. We had talked earlier in the day and I said it was totally fine if we put off our anniversary dinner since I knew I'd be worn out from a full day of traveling. I come home and we exchange cards. And that's it. No flowers, no candy, no gift of any kind. He had not made any romantic dinner plans for later in the week, had not mentioned that my gift was in the mail, nada. I excused myself to our bedroom and lost my composure. My husband got me nothing but a lame card without even a heartfelt message inside. We didn't talk for two days. We didn't eat our wedding cake. We never had our anniversary dinner. I never got a thing. He reasoned that he was going to make that photo book so that was going to be my gift. Note: he didn't work on the thing. It doesn't exist, even digitally yet. We got past it, but I'm not over it. He's well aware of that, too. He's made no effort to make it up to me, one month later. What do I do? How can we move past this? I guess I didn't realize how important our first anniversary was to me, and I guess I didn't realize that it wasn't at all important to him beforehand. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I really didn't expect anything extravagant since our finances are tight right now, but flowers and some takeout by candle light would have sufficed. Please help. I know that I have to get over this, but I'm still just...so....hurt.

I second talk to him.  Something got lost in translation here.

Here is what I suggest for Christmas, your birthday and your anniversary:

About 2 months before the day, you make up a "Wish List" of an item you'd like ---- and give it to him.

Have him do the same. The items need not be expensive.

This way, the both of you will get something you want, you'll know neither one of you broke the bank to get it and you won't go without on an anniversary or other holiday.

Guys usually are not the one to write messages inside cards. Women, yeah --- but not guys. this has to be another one of those "guy things."

VOR

O.k. - on the gift front, I understand your feelings.  I'd probably be upset too.  But I also have to ask- is this the first time, in the 8 years of your relationship, that he's stumbled on the gift giving front?

Assuming it's not,  then this is something that should have been dealt with a long time ago.  He's not going to magically change just because you're married.

Regardless - there needs to be a talk. 

But on the dinner?  Why didn't YOU plan a romantic dinner?  You're just as capable of doing that - aren't you?

BlueBirdMB

I understand having expectations not come through and being disappointed as a result.  I really do.  But you handled your disappointment in an immature way.  You shouldn't have removed yourself from the room and not spoken to him for 2 days.  That's not the way to handle any conflict in your marriage, particularly not something this small and inconsequential.   I see issues much greater than this sneaking into your marriage if you can't learn to communicate your feelings better and to work through conflict.

You need to tell him what you expected and what you expect in the future.

Leftie22

It sounds like he was probably confused about what to do, since you were away until that evening and had told him it could be postponed. He might have taken that as you saying you could celebrate all of it another day (gifts, candlelight, etc.) And you had already told each other what you were getting each other, so why are you so upset that it wasn't done that day? Marriage is tough and crap is going to happen. If you don't talk for two days because all he got you was a card, what are you going to do when one of you is grieving, sick, out of work, etc? Pick your battles. And communicate, or things are going to break down really quickly.

BroncoInNC

First off, I understand marriage isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I signed up for all of it, the good, bad, and the ugly. I didn't marry the man because of his gift giving abilities (or lack thereof), I married him because he's my best friend. He's respectful, supportive, unconditionally loving, and I've always known he would be a wonderful husband, father, and partner for life. We've had bigger real life issues to contend with, I'm not acting like my little world is crumbling down because of this. I was hoping for ideas on how to move past this, not to be called immature. We DO communicate. We HAVE discussed this many a times in the past month. Please give me more credit than that. As I said to begin with, I know I have to move past this, I'm just really trying to get over these hurt feelings I'm still having, yes, a month later.

Thank you for your input anyway.

GilliC

BroncoInNC said:

First off, I understand marriage isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I signed up for all of it, the good, bad, and the ugly. I didn't marry the man because of his gift giving abilities (or lack thereof), I married him because he's my best friend. He's respectful, supportive, unconditionally loving, and I've always known he would be a wonderful husband, father, and partner for life. We've had bigger real life issues to contend with, I'm not acting like my little world is crumbling down because of this. I was hoping for ideas on how to move past this, not to be called immature. We DO communicate. We HAVE discussed this many a times in the past month. Please give me more credit than that. As I said to begin with, I know I have to move past this, I'm just really trying to get over these hurt feelings I'm still having, yes, a month later.

Thank you for your input anyway.

So you've discussed it with your H and have open and clear communications, but you a month later you're still upset over an anniversary gift?

I don't know that there's much we internet strangers can suggest. I don't think this is normal behavior that any of us can really relate to. It sounds like a deeper issue that you should discuss in counseling.

chrisnjay05212010

if you have already communicated your feelings and disappointment about it, there is nothing to do but move on.  Why still be upset? You cant change what happened.  It was a miscommunication and that happens, its over and look forward. you will have plenty of anniversaries to celebrate. 

Sugarplum97

chrisnjay05212010 said:

if you have already communicated your feelings and disappointment about it, there is nothing to do but move on.  Why still be upset? You cant change what happened.  It was a miscommunication and that happens, its over and look forward. you will have plenty of anniversaries to celebrate. 

I agree, there are going to be many anniversaries you spend together. I know the first one is a big deal, but not near as a big deal as the 25!  At some point you have to forgive and forget, if the rolls were flipped you would want him to do the same for you .

Leftie22

BroncoInNC said:

First off, I understand marriage isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I signed up for all of it, the good, bad, and the ugly. I didn't marry the man because of his gift giving abilities (or lack thereof), I married him because he's my best friend. He's respectful, supportive, unconditionally loving, and I've always known he would be a wonderful husband, father, and partner for life. We've had bigger real life issues to contend with, I'm not acting like my little world is crumbling down because of this. I was hoping for ideas on how to move past this, not to be called immature. We DO communicate. We HAVE discussed this many a times in the past month. Please give me more credit than that. As I said to begin with, I know I have to move past this, I'm just really trying to get over these hurt feelings I'm still having, yes, a month later. Thank you for your input anyway.

If you're looking for ways to get past it, all I can suggest is that you remind yourself, daily, of what you wrote here. That your husband is "respectful supportive, unconditionally loving". Those are wonderful qualities to find in a partner. Write it down and read it every day. Or keep a gratitude journal where every day you write down at least one thing you're grateful for about your husband. It might sound cheesy, but I've done it before to remember my DH's good qualities, and my kids. Every time you find yourself stewing about the card, think "yes DH dropped the ball on that one. But he's really great at (xyz)." Sometimes, we just have to practice seeing the bright side to get out of a rut. I would also suggest you and your DH pick a day to have a re-do of your anniversary. Dress up, do something fun, eat your wedding cake and bring your most positive attitude. Help him to make it a success and a nice memory. It would be a nice way to still get to celebrate, and to show your DH that you're ready to forgive and forget. Don't expect him to fix it on his own. Be willing to meet him halfway, because you love him and he's a good person. Good luck!

artbyallie

BroncoInNC said: First off, I understand marriage isn't all rainbows and butterflies. I signed up for all of it, the good, bad, and the ugly. I didn't marry the man because of his gift giving abilities (or lack thereof), I married him because he's my best friend. He's respectful, supportive, unconditionally loving, and I've always known he would be a wonderful husband, father, and partner for life. We've had bigger real life issues to contend with, I'm not acting like my little world is crumbling down because of this. I was hoping for ideas on how to move past this, not to be called immature. We DO communicate. We HAVE discussed this many a times in the past month. Please give me more credit than that. As I said to begin with, I know I have to move past this, I'm just really trying to get over these hurt feelings I'm still having, yes, a month later. Thank you for your input anyway.

broken boxes

Well, then, now it's time for you to start talking to a counselor, because assuming he has apologized and now understands your needs, your inability to let it go is the issue. You come in blaming it all on him 'ruining your anniversary' which made it sound like you hadn't talked that part out already. And frankly, it is immature to still be resentful a month later. What the fuck do you expect him to do, hop in a time machine and take you on an anniversary date?!

Samboni

You need to drop it. NOW. Rehashing it multiple times in the last month is majorly excessive. He's a good guy. You BOTH dropped the ball. You didn't tell him upfront that it was SUPER important to you because you didn't realize it until after the fact. That's on you, not him. I've done a similar thing w/my H, but I took some ownership of my part and we planned something nice later. Here's what you're missing that is important- You have WASTED multiple days, many thoughts, and way too damn many tears on this because that day isn't any more important than today or the two days that followed your anniversary. Stop letting the calender dictate so much on this and GO ENJOY your husband now. Seems odd that not celebrating your first year of marriage on one specific day is making you miserable for a MONTH after the fact. Let it go, move on, and give him credit for putting up with a month of rehashing.

KatieCutie05

um just ask him to make it up to you. its quite simple. plan another day to celebrate - even if its 2 months later (and i mean YOU plan it). Ask him for the gift you were promised and maybe some flowers. be specific, like you should have been before. Tell him you will plan the night out and all he has to do is the gift. 

Remember this is an anniversary, its for both of you, its not "wife" day. 

I don't blame you for being upset but your still upset because you expect it to just "go away". Talk is talk. you need action. so ACT and ask him to act. You cant just sit around and do nothing and talk about how he screwed it up - FIX IT! 

NoneForUs

If you weren't clear about what you wanted, then you are partly responsible.

My husband and I discuss our anniversaries about a few months before and we are both clear about what we want. This way, there are no hurt feelings. 

On special occasions, I give my husband a list of three things that I would like. He picks one of them so that there is still a surprise. 

Be open about your needs to avoid future disappointment. 

RissAnn1970

On our first married Valentine's Day, I was sick as a dog with a stomach bug, unable to go farther than from the bed to the bathroom, and half the day curled up sleeping on the carpeted floor in between the two because making it to the bathroom was iffy.  My husband spent the day taking care of me.

Just a month an a half later, on our first wedding anniversary, my husband was the one sick as a dog, and I spent the day running around taking care of him and picking up McDonald's for him (not a stomach bug & that's his comfort food of choice).

Both days sucked.  Our plans were shot, the last minute gifts we planned to get each other were out the window.

You get over it.  We've been married 5.5. years now and have had a ton of good days and dates and gifts, both on "event days" and just average days throughout the year.

RamaLamaDD

My DH is awesome at this too. After I turned 10 or so my parents started taking me shopping, the morning of my birthday, to buy my own gift, which SOUNDS great, but it sucks. It is really depressing.

DH has started doing this. He doesn't get me a card for any occasion, he doesn't get me gifts. He usually makes me pick out my own gift (even if I give him like, 30 ideas) and says he "just doesn't want to get the wrong thing". It is extremely hurtful, and makes you feel really crappy.

My balm has been to make sure that I get him something AMAZING every f-ing time so that he feels extra stupid and awful. And I make him feel guilty about it. I'm sorry, but my birthday and our anniversary are important.

SheMarie82

RamaLamaDD said

My balm has been to make sure that I get him something AMAZING every f-ing time so that he feels extra stupid and awful. And I make him feel guilty about it. I'm sorry, but my birthday and our anniversary are important.

Has this been effective? I cannot imagine trying to make someone feel guilty rather than just communicating that you don't like it. I know that I am a newlywed, but we have been together for about 15 years, I have NEVER done something to intentionally make her feel stupid or awful.  The thought makes me horribly sad.

RamaLamaDD

SheMarie82 said:

RamaLamaDD said

My balm has been to make sure that I get him something AMAZING every f-ing time so that he feels extra stupid and awful. And I make him feel guilty about it. I'm sorry, but my birthday and our anniversary are important.

Has this been effective? I cannot imagine trying to make someone feel guilty rather than just communicating that you don't like it. I know that I am a newlywed, but we have been together for about 15 years, I have NEVER done something to intentionally make her feel stupid or awful.  The thought makes me horribly sad.

I guess that came off badly (obviously, rereading it makes me sound like a crazy person), I honestly don't try to make him feel guilty or stupid or awful and I think I was trying to be sarcastic or "jokey" but it sure doesn't read that way. I do get him awesome gifts but because I like to be able to get him things he likes. I have told him that it is sort of upsetting that he doesn't seem to think about my birthday or other special events ahead of time and that's it. I do sometimes feel like the amount of effort that I put into getting him something I think he'll like is not appreciated.

Honest honest honest I don't try to make him feel bad, and he has been having a rough time lately so even on my birthday (Sunday) I tried really hard not to make a big deal about it despite the fact that it really made me feel like I'm not important to him at all (the only thing I did was tell him, on the morning of by b-day when he suggested he was going to "run to the grocery store to get me a card" that I would prefer he didn't get me a card, since it just seemed sort of silly).

I'm not 100% sure what I was thinking when I put that. I am sure everyone on here thinks I'm a huge jerk now. Fantastic.

Sisugal

My husband is great, but he is an awful gift-giver.
I have been known to give him a list of gift suggestions (with specifics) and have even purchased what I wanted for my birthday a few times (and then handed it to him to wrap and give to me later)
We are casual about actually celebrating on the exact date and will make adjustments when it falls at an inconvenient time.
Let him know what makes you feel loved, what actions are important to you. You probably have different "love languages".
Talk, but don't blame.