Married Life
Penny2109
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need an outside perspective, please. (Updated)
This may end up being long, and I apologise in advance. I just don't want to talk to friends or family about this, so I hope you don't mind my coming to you.
I'm currently a stay at home wife, and honestly, I like it that way. We have a new puppy (4 months) so our other dog and I have been training him. I take care of the house, cleaning, cooking, laundry. H mows the lawn. And I'm happy that way, what gives me most joy in life is taking care of my family. We don't have kids yet, but we have been trying (for over two years now). If he asks me to call certain companies when I'm at home (e.g. straighten out stuff with the garbage company, make appointments etc) I always do that. I take care of that stuff so he doesn't have to.
We just bought a house and moved (I say we. He, I mean... and again, that's fine with me. My name is on it, but name only, and as a formality). I was working before we moved, a "part time" job at a store which saw me working often six days a week at a store round the corner from our old house. We only had one car, so it was convenient for me to be able to walk. Also, out of the many places I applied to, it was the only one that bothered answering. He had been pushing me in the job direction for a while before I got that job. I worked there six months and he spent the ENTIRE time b*tching and moaning about how I wasn't available to be with him on weekends and couldn't drop work at the last minute to go see his family (mine don't live near by) or go see a movie or whatever it was he wanted to do. I wanted to do those things to, but I had to work. It was a crappy job, and being stressed all day, and coming home to him complaining and telling me to quit wasn't helping. We both have sleep apnea, but I had just been diagnosed so I was also trying to get used to cpap, and dealing with barely any sleep. I was so tired when I came home that I couldn't take care of the house the way I wanted to, and I was probably depressed, thinking back on it now. He'd also complain I wasn't keeping up with the house (but he wouldn't pitch in, unless to do dishes that "weren't his").
I quit that job for two reasons. Maybe three, if we count I was annoyed with H always telling me it was inconvenient for him. First, the store was robbed at gunpoint. I wasn't in the store that night, but I did wait outside with another employee for them to get done with the police so we could comfort our co-workers. Though it wasn't the first instance of managers not giving a toss, we were all upset that the store manager did not even call to check the employees working that night were alright. He did not visit the store, and the police were mad about that because noone else knew how to work the cctv. The second reason I quit was because we were moving, and with one car, I couldn't make it there at all hours anymore.
So here we are, presently. About once a week since we moved, he's been bringing up me finding another job. Yesterday he told me he wants me to find another job because "he didn't sign up for this".
I just feel hopeless about this.
First, this happened last time. He pushed and pushed and I took the first job that was offered to get him off my back. No matter what job I had, he told me that he "reserves the right to complain about it". Which makes me feel like sh*t. I want to spend time with him too. He has flexibility in his job where if he wants to take off for a long weekend, we can do that, but he'd lose his temper because I couldn't get off work at the last minute, and sometimes, if I asked for the time off, I wouldn't get it. Nothing I get is going to have that flexibility. He works 6am - 3pm and would rather I work the same hours... where would I ever find something like that?
Secondly, it's true that before we married, he asked me what I wanted to do. He told me then he didn't care if I stayed home but at the time I had a background in childcare and told him I'd do that. He knows, because I've told him, that it isn't the case anymore. It might be stupid, but having tried for a baby for this long, the idea of being near young children makes me cry. People would come into the store with their young children and I would get upset. I can't do that to myself to go back to being in a room of one year olds. I think it would break me. And he told me he was fine with that and that he understood.
Thirdly, H just received a raise at work. We already are lucky enough to not need any paltry contribution I can make. His raise he just got is double what I would have made in a year if I'd stayed.
Fourthly, we have several planned trips in the next year, which he hasn't made up his mind about how long. In November, we are going to his grandmother's 80th in another state. He doesn't know if he wants that to be for six days or sixteen. He has the time saved up to do either. If I get a job now, the kind of job I got would probably be retail - besides... how many jobs want you to leave near the holidays? Also, my mother is currently undergoing chemo. If she needs me, I want to be able to drop everything and just go, and stay as long as I'm needed. How many bosses would be good with that? Not my last boss, I'd have been fired (giving a part time employee in that company a holiday, even just a week long isn't something they allowed. It would have been rejected, especially at late notice).
It probably seems like I'm being really petty. I don't mean to be petty and while I get where he's coming from, he's putting me in a position where I just can't win no matter what I try. I'm just so upset over this right now and I know I can't live again like I did for those few months, having a crappy day at work and coming home to him yelling about how inconvenient it all was for him. It was so rough I was close to flying home for a while and leaving him to his own devices. And now it seems like it's all happening again.
Thank you for reading.
Re: Need an outside perspective, please. (Updated)
I know that we're only hearing one side of the story, but the idea that someone thinks that he has the right to complain about his wife's job, is utterly childish. Honestly, good advice that isn't often taken seriously - you need to get some sort of counseling. Mainly, because it has a chance of showing him how unreasonable he's being. He can't push you to work, and then constantly complain about the fact that you're working. That's nothing but foolishness, and it's not fair to you.
Do you have any work from home options? It seems like with his high demands, that might be your only option - start a home business, or work online. That is...if you are interested in trying to work again, at some point.
He is contradicting himself by saying he wants you to work yet he wants you to be available to his every beck and call... Makes no sense.
On your own: see a counselor and tell that person what you told us.
ANd I second telling your H what you told us. He can't keep treating you like this. And you can't be living undrer a Sword of Damocles.
Re: the "paltry contribution" --- there are lots of people who hold a second part time job in retail (or a service industry) --- lots of them like "something to do", some people like the job because of the people contact. A "Contribution" is much more than money.:)
I do not like the "I didn't sign on for this" either. He's got no right to talk to you that way.
If perchance he doesn't shape up, HE can jolly well ship out because you did not sign on for this --- you didn't marry him to be treated like somebody who does not fit his mold or like somebody who can't follow his script.
See a counselor on your own, like I said --- and then as per that person's advice, follow through. THe bottom line is he's got to stop this and if he doesn't, you decide where to go from here. GL:.
He told me he's going to buy a car for me for my birthday in sept. He's going to pay any fees etc upfront and cover a couple months payment on it but I'll have to take it from there. I said if I get a job, I might be able to manage the payment and gas but if it has to go to the shop and I suddenly get a bill for $3000, no way would I be able to cover that. That's fine he says... He wants me to come to him for things like that. He'd end up spending more on me than he does now and that sits very weirdly with me.
At no point in the conversation did he consider the possibility that I stay home. He's already made the plans that I'll get a job and if he ends up having to take vacations without me he will. I nearly had to work Christmas last year and if I had to, he would have gone to visit his family out of state to spend Christmas with them.
Beginning the search for that therapist now because I'm having real issues making myself heard with him...
"He wants me to come to him for things like that." seems to define a large part of the dynamic between the two of you.
"When things like that happen, we'll figure out a way to deal with it together." Should be how that sentence reads. All the time. Every time. I want my husband to be the head of the household, and there are a lot of decisions that he makes that I wouldn't have made on my own, but I understand why he made the decision, and I respect his wisdom in the area. However, any decision that needs to be made, gets discussed. Even if he already knows what the answer needs to be - we discuss it. It doesn't matter if he makes more money, all the money, or no money - if there's a problem with one of our cars, the house, or anything else, the issue is discussed. Our communication skills aren't perfect - we still have a few crossed wires that we'll continue to work out, but discussing major issues (like car repair), is always the goal.
Do you have a household budget yet? Big purchases like cars shouldn't be made (even as gifts), unless you have the expenses accounted for in a budget. It seems like the car purchase is just his way to pressure you into getting a job....."now you have payments, so now you have to make your own money." Even if you haven't completely combined your assets, you need a unified household budget with room for all of the household spending, which includes all of the entertainment, clothing, food, car insurance & maintenance, mortgage, health care, vacations, toiletries, household goods, etc., and anything that either of you needs or wants (that you can afford).
I know that some couples keep their finances separate, and his money goes towards AB&C budget items, and hers goes towards XY&Z budget items. If that's the way you want to work it, that's fine....as long as you both agree to it.... but when you have a household budget, HE isn't spending any money on YOU. You both agreed to a budget for your family, and you spend it as needed, to run the household - regardless of whether or not you contributed financially to it.
I can't fathom my husband leaving me behind, to spend Christmas with his family, unless I agreed to it. When you got married you formed your own, new, little family. Your new family should take priority over what should now be considered extended family.
Which arguably is a bigger problem. I got talking to a friend of mine on the phone last night and he's an expert at pulling all this stuff out and making me talk about it. The more I talked about it the clearer it all became.
H is going on a trip for work at the beginning of September and he'll be gone for a week. I'm having the worrying feeling that I won't miss him.
Unless you mean figurative yelling....like fussing/complaining...in which case, there really shouldn't be much of that, either.
Somebody may need some anger management classes.
No offence meant. Your description honestly makes him sound like weinerhole.