Hard to Forget

StingingStiletto

I need some anonymous advice, seeing as this is a bit too personal for me to be able to talk with friend and I'm not sure a therapist is the right route to go.

Sorry if this is long-

I grew up in a very low income and abusive home, due to the step father my mother introduced us to when I was 7. Throughout my entire childhood up until I was 16, I lived with a very angry, very drunk man who would scream and yell at pretty much the entire day.

I literally would spend my days outside playing in our yard, or hiding in my closet to try to hide from my step father.

My mother insisted on "homeschooling" me, when though she was a drop out who lacked any real education. Everything I learned is literally self taught; I used to read books non stop to get in as much learning as I could since my mother wasn't really a teacher. Due to this, I was at home every day and never really had much of a social life. My mother went back and forth with this guy for 9 years, sometimes taking us to abuse shelters for a week, but in the end, she would always return to him because he would "Apologize" and tell her he "Changed".

Then the next day he would be screaming at us all over again.

Nothing he did was any actual physical abuse towards us, except for when he liked to pinch me and pull my fingers back so far until I would cry.

But he would mentally torment me day after day. It was like a game to him.
For example, he know when I was 8 that I was scared of the dark. So he thought it would be funny to lock me in a dark room all night by myself when I suffered from claustrophobia (which I still have today.) Those things would happen on a regular basis.

It didn't matter how much I cried and pleaded with my mother to please leave him, make it stop; nothing changed.
When I was 10, molested by his brother who was visiting for a few weeks.
I don't remember if it got any further then that or how long it lasted, because after it I tried to mentally shut it out of my mind. And when I think of what happened as I got older, I can't remember if anything more happened; it's a blank.
But I do remember just how horrible and disgusting I felt. I didn't dare tell anyone growing up, because he threatened me.
My step father passed away when I was 16, he died an abusive husband.
As to why my mother went through all that, I will never know. That is another story.

Skip years ahead now; I've been married for a little over a year, and very happy with hubby; we get along great and we have our ups and downs of course, but we always laugh in the end. Always minor things; nothing big.
Nothing with my relationship with hubby has me at unease, but me myself.

A lot of times when he will try to start love time, I end up tensing up and feel extremely nervous. I find that I end up not so much enjoying it, but rather, I feel...uneasy.

(Note; we didn't have sex until after marriage.)

Hubby noticed it though and he would ask why I would tense up and push him away. He never once got mad at me; he just didn't understand.

He is the only person who actually knows my background; but since he came from a more wealthy, family oriented background, he doesn't understand. He knows that it was traumatic; but it's as if he doesn't know how to respond or react to me. He doesn't know how to comfort me. I've been suffering from what I assume to be depression for years now, I haven't actually gone to a doctor to see, but I have all of the symptoms of it.

I don't want my marriage to be affected what happened in the past; I want to get over this, I want to move on. 

I don't want to have a pity party and be "Boo hoo me". Because I've noticed this affecting not only my marriage, but my relationship at work and with family. I found that I can't feel safe if I'm even in the same room as a man who is older (My step father's age).
Maybe this is normal for people who have gone through these kind of things; like I said, I was homeschooled and was pretty much shut out from the world.
Through out the years, I've seen multiple counselors but never really got far with them; I just don't like seeing someone I don't know and telling personal things to.
Internet is an exception.
Is seeing a therapist a must have to get past this, or will this feeling of dread whenever it's bedroom time go away eventually?
By the way, Hubby doesn't pressure me in the bedroom; he's not that sort of guy.
I'm sorry if I sound like a pathetic human, but that is the honest truth to how I feel, and I just want some honest opinions on ways I can better myself and not let depression and anxiety around the opposite gender take over.

magsugar13

You have got to take care of this. You need to get professional help. You have to find one who maybe deals with ptsd. you have to find one that you are comfortable with, you may have to try a few to find one you like.

You can not do this on your own.

TarponMonoxide

StingingStiletto said:

I need some anonymous advice, seeing as this is a bit too personal for me to be able to talk with friend and I'm not sure a therapist is the right route to go.

Sorry if this is long-

I grew up in a very low income and abusive home, due to the step father my mother introduced us to when I was 7. Throughout my entire childhood up until I was 16, I lived with a very angry, very drunk man who would scream and yell at pretty much the entire day.

I literally would spend my days outside playing in our yard, or hiding in my closet to try to hide from my step father.

My mother insisted on "homeschooling" me, when though she was a drop out who lacked any real education. Everything I learned is literally self taught; I used to read books non stop to get in as much learning as I could since my mother wasn't really a teacher. Due to this, I was at home every day and never really had much of a social life. My mother went back and forth with this guy for 9 years, sometimes taking us to abuse shelters for a week, but in the end, she would always return to him because he would "Apologize" and tell her he "Changed".

Then the next day he would be screaming at us all over again.

Nothing he did was any actual physical abuse towards us, except for when he liked to pinch me and pull my fingers back so far until I would cry.

But he would mentally torment me day after day. It was like a game to him.
For example, he know when I was 8 that I was scared of the dark. So he thought it would be funny to lock me in a dark room all night by myself when I suffered from claustrophobia (which I still have today.) Those things would happen on a regular basis.

It didn't matter how much I cried and pleaded with my mother to please leave him, make it stop; nothing changed.
When I was 10, molested by his brother who was visiting for a few weeks.
I don't remember if it got any further then that or how long it lasted, because after it I tried to mentally shut it out of my mind. And when I think of what happened as I got older, I can't remember if anything more happened; it's a blank.
But I do remember just how horrible and disgusting I felt. I didn't dare tell anyone growing up, because he threatened me.
My step father passed away when I was 16, he died an abusive husband.
As to why my mother went through all that, I will never know. That is another story.

Skip years ahead now; I've been married for a little over a year, and very happy with hubby; we get along great and we have our ups and downs of course, but we always laugh in the end. Always minor things; nothing big.
Nothing with my relationship with hubby has me at unease, but me myself.

A lot of times when he will try to start love time, I end up tensing up and feel extremely nervous. I find that I end up not so much enjoying it, but rather, I feel...uneasy.

(Note; we didn't have sex until after marriage.)

Hubby noticed it though and he would ask why I would tense up and push him away. He never once got mad at me; he just didn't understand.

He is the only person who actually knows my background; but since he came from a more wealthy, family oriented background, he doesn't understand. He knows that it was traumatic; but it's as if he doesn't know how to respond or react to me. He doesn't know how to comfort me. I've been suffering from what I assume to be depression for years now, I haven't actually gone to a doctor to see, but I have all of the symptoms of it.

I don't want my marriage to be affected what happened in the past; I want to get over this, I want to move on. 

I don't want to have a pity party and be "Boo hoo me". Because I've noticed this affecting not only my marriage, but my relationship at work and with family. I found that I can't feel safe if I'm even in the same room as a man who is older (My step father's age).
Maybe this is normal for people who have gone through these kind of things; like I said, I was homeschooled and was pretty much shut out from the world.
Through out the years, I've seen multiple counselors but never really got far with them; I just don't like seeing someone I don't know and telling personal things to.
Internet is an exception.
Is seeing a therapist a must have to get past this, or will this feeling of dread whenever it's bedroom time go away eventually?
By the way, Hubby doesn't pressure me in the bedroom; he's not that sort of guy.
I'm sorry if I sound like a pathetic human, but that is the honest truth to how I feel, and I just want some honest opinions on ways I can better myself and not let depression and anxiety around the opposite gender take over.

You need to get another counselor, stat.

And don't stop until you find one you feel comfortable with.

You also should look into Adult Childran of Alcoholics. 

A visit, or several, to a sex therapist, is warranted also -- if your H doesn't know about your past, please tell him.  He needs to be committed to you to help you work through what happened to you. YOu and he need to see the sex therapist as a couple.

Wishing you the best. let us know what happens. GL.

GilliC

You definitely need to find a professional that you're comfortable with. Do give each person a few sessions before you give up and try someone new. You will feel uneasy until you get used to opening up. But if after a few sessions there's something besides yourself that's making you uncomfortable (e.g. I saw a counselor once who kept jumping to incorrect conclusions about my background.), definitely see someone else.

As for getting more comfortable about opening up, think about what you might be able to do to be more relaxed, even if it seems silly. It's important that you start building a relationship with a professional counselor, because you cannot get through this on your own. Would you be more comfortable if your H came with you in the beginning to help you feel safe? Is there something else that could help you feel secure? (I still use my pillow like a security blanket when I'm extremely upset.)

If all else fails, you could look into finding a counselor who can host sessions online. I know that some can set up Skype sessions for patients who have moved or are traveling. While it's probably better to see someone in person, it's something to consider.

Bottom line: You need to find a professional you can get yourself to talk to.

StingingStiletto

Okay, thank you everyone. I appreciate you all taking your time to respond.

I will look in the area for a professional I can comfortably talk with.

I was hoping this was something that would eventually go away on it's own, but I guess it isn't that simple.

H knows about my past, but he doesn't quite understand how I feel.

Maybe if he went with me, we can work on it together and get past this.

Once again, thank you all for the advice; it's much easier to ask anonymously online then asking someone I know, since I never told anyone except H.

pg48isdead

There are books out there for spouses of sexual abuse survivors. They explain a lot. I can't remember the name of the one my husband has... but you'll find a bunch if you google it.

StingingStiletto

Thank you, I haven't thought of that.

That would be good for him, since he really doesn't understand much nor does he know how to react. He usually just gets really quiet and doesn't say anything at all if I say anything to him about it. I think he just doesn't know what TO say.

If I can find them as books on audio, that would be even more convenient.

vancitymichy

Not sure what advice to give but just wanted to say, you're not alone. I'm the same way a lot of the time (different childhood but similar kind of reaction as an adult now). My fiance also does not understand. I tried counselling but I did not find it helped me with this. I am not sure how to talk about it to another counsellor. So... anyway, just wanted to say you're not alone and I hope you can figure it out and overcome it. Sending good wishes.