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I'm Confused About My Marriage - Input needed please
Hi, I have been married for almost 3 years now. My husband and I are in our twenties and are 4 years apart, he is older. Lately (probably about a year or so actually) I have been having a lot of conflicting thoughts about being married. Me and my husband share a lot of the same interests and get along very well, I mean he really is my best friend, but sometimes I just don't see myself being with him forever. First of all he is an only child raised by a single mom that spoiled him to no end. When we met and when we lived together before we were married he had me under the impression that he paid all of his own bills, etc. even though his mom was really taking care of it. Even now his mom pays some of his bills and other things for him. What bothers me about that is the fact that he almost assumes that she should or doesn't even make any effort to take over his own responsibilities, instead he spends his money that could pay those bills on a new "toy" or whatever else he "has to have". I am a pretty independent woman working full time and trying to get by so it gets under my skin that I have a husband that doesn't think twice about having his older single mom pay his bills while he throws his money at other non essential things.
On top of that, I constantly feel like I am having to take over the role of being his mom when we don't even have kids. He is 4 years older than me yet I am the one who has to completely stay on top of everything for bills, the house, basically everything-Including working over 40+ hrs. He also is horrible with money! I have basically had to step up and figure out everything with finances alone just to be able to afford all of the nice things that he always wants. He is more than happy to put all of that on me on top of everything else I do and Its almost impossible for me to keep up with. If we ever fight about this issue he always throws it in my face that he makes more money than me (barely) yet every week he runs out of money and I have to cover a lot of our and his expenses. I'm just at the point where I realize that this is the way he is and will always be. No its not the worst thing to have to deal with but at the same time I feel like I am being used up and not enjoying my life like I used to be able too. He is a great loving man and there are days where he makes me the happiest person and we have wonderful times, but then it always goes right back to me having to take care of everything. Maybe I got married too young or maybe to the wrong person or maybe we have a great marriage and I just don't know what else to compare it to. Like I said, I'm confused. I know he's 100% into staying together but lately I'm at the point where I would be ok if we weren't married. I'm very laid back so I let a lot of stuff go but I just don't even care anymore and don't feel like staying married to a man that I don't even want to have kids with anymore.
Anyone else deal with anything like this? Is it a phase? And of course there is way more to the story but I already typed a novel up there. I would really appreciate everyone's input. I have a horrible habit of arguing both sides to every situation, which is why I came here. But I only have one life and I think I am at a crossroads where I have to make a choice. Thanks!
Re: I'm Confused About My Marriage - Input needed please
My DH and I struggled in the beginning about how to handle the finances but we are very much under the impression that its not his/her money, its our money and we handle our finances as one unit. Don't get me wrong, we still have little tiffs here and there because my DH likes to spend and I'm the one that manages everything but we've come a long way over the years.
Have your talked to your DH about the level that you have reached?
I am going to give it to you straight:
The second you found out he was not financially independent you needed to tell him to jump in a lake.
You get RID of jerks like those; you do not date them and wow, you sure don't marry them!
NOT a phase; what you are seeing right now is who he is, the same as who you saw when you were dating is who he is.
It is going to be nigh impossible to expect this guy to take care of his own finances. Why should he know how to do it? Somebody else is going to, whether it is a parent or his wife!
Another fatal error you and he made:
it is clear that you and he did not discuss how your money and his --- now "our money" -- would spent once yo were married.
Yep...his money + your money = OUR money.
The bottom line is this:
He cannot handle finances.
You do not spend away madly and "run out of money" when you are MARRIED! There are responsibilities and his first responsibility is to his wife and his household.
I don't know where you got this jerk but you need to return him to whence he came and say goodbye to him. He's not a grown up; he is a boy.
Bottom line is that couples will argue over money -- and when they do, it will be nasty and ugly.
What He needs to do, asap and you need to tell him this::
1-He dissociates his assets from his mommy asap -- as in TODAY
2-You and he see a financial analyst togeher, asap.
3-You and he set up an "OUR" money fund; your paycheck and his goes into a joint checking account and from there, all expenses incurred by the both of you as a couple and "by yourselves" is paid. Allow a "mad money" fund per week, for each of you -- maybe $50 a week that you can spend on what you like.
4-He is to attend counseling sessions with you and that is mandatory -- and he needs to willingly work on every problem he's got and every problem his marriage to you has -- no balking, no ifs ands or buts: he is to go, no questions asked.
5-He stops spending money like a hophead on a Saturday night.
If he does not get his financial act together -- and I find it doubtful that he will --- file for divorce and leave this jerk. I don't know how somebody is going to get him to grow up; that's a whole other story altogether.
I cannot fathom how you even tolerated this at all. So the story is he pisses up his earnings and he leaves you flat, to pick up the expenses and pay for everything -- am I right?
This isn't right.
This is also an expression of a lack of character, lack of dependability and lack of maturity.
You need to talk to him asap, as in today -- and do as I suggested. If he so much as balks at this, rethink him immediately and start making plans to get out of this sham of a marriage.
A marriage counselor would be a good idea, too. This guy is still more or less a junior high schooler that living at home with his mother; he is not a full grown man that is a team with his wife...his FAMILY of 3 years.
You need to divorce his ass based on this alone:
If we ever fight about this issue he always throws it in my face that he makes more money than me (barely) yet every week he runs out of money and I have to cover a lot of our and his expenses.
Excuse me??? he does WHAT???
Unacceptable. And how dare he treat his wife that way.
Rethink this guy as of immediately. You can do as I suggested but I am willing to bet that if you do have an "our" money fund there's no way it's going to work, simply because he is not now a team with you. Nor will he ever be.
It doesn't matter whose earning power is bigger; that money belongs to the BOTH of you. Therefore it is one joint fund.
I can't figure out how you are able to accept all of this as is. Let's say you dated him 1 year, then you were engaged for another and you are married now 3 years -- this is several years that you are putting up with his childishness. Why are you even with this guy? as I said, you needed to go once you found out you were not dating an adult.
He also has no respect for you. Wow, how dare he have the temerity to make bloody well sure you know that he earns more than you do! He ought to be glad you didn't tear his arm off and beat him with it, the first time he had the balls to say that to you!
What caring and loving man talks like this to his wife???
For that alone he needs to go.
I know where this is at; my mother did the same thing as far as my sibling went; he never learned the concept of a dollar. She saved all of his money for him, more or less -- and when she died, it was like the dam broke. Don't ask what happened to him after that. He's got a ton of debt, creditors call him all the time and he's in a whole lot of financial trouble.
Strongly suggested for you:
Counseling and lots of it.
You need to find out why you found it acceptable to date him, let alone marry him. You also need to learn how to stick up for yourselves and you need to learn how to communicate better; you never spoke up and said goodbye to this guy once you found out his mother was involved in his finances. And you can't seem to speak up and defend yourself; again, how dare he say any of this to you.
If he more or less is refusing to support you and himself both, what do you think will happen if a kiddo comes into the picture? How much of an attentive father is he going to be and what's he planning on doing --- sticking you with the entire bill?
I'd give him exactly one chance to make good, using the 5 demands I outlined -- and if he won't uphold all 5 of them without question immediately, get out. File for divorce.
This guy will banktrupt not only your savings and money and assets he will also bankrupt your self worth and self esteem.
He doesn't understand what being a husband is and he isn't father material, either. He can;t handle money and his mother still pays all of his bills.
And the most glaring problem he's got: no respect for you: he doesn't care if you pick up the tab for everything and he doesn't care how he talks to you.
Tell us again what a "loving man" he is. Remind us what's great about him.
What do you want with this jerk? Why are you with him?
@NestCayla, ban akaditya999!
I dunno, maybe she thought it would end soon.
And that he didn't come clean and admit that his mother was his bookkeeper is pretty bad. To me that is a lie by omission.
The most glaring part of all of this:
How he talks to his wife.
I think that eclipses the mama's boy problem that he has. How dare you even think of addressing your wife like that. He'd have been out that door in 2 seconds flat if this was happeing in my marriage.
I do believe that it is possible to be a loving, kind person, who is honestly terrible with money. Since his mother has supported him his entire life, it is very possible that he could LEARN how to manage his money, but he was never taught, and never had a reason to learn before now. As others have said - stop enabling him. When he runs out of money for his toys - don't give him any more. First his mother kept him from maturing in financial wisdom, and now you are (so now is a great time to stop).
The two of you learning how to manage your finances together won't be easy, but I believe you can do it.
Years ago, you two should have worked out a budget. Every last dollar that you spend needs to have a place in the budget for it - including fun money. If you need help, there are lots of resources available that can walk you through budgeting, and getting out of debt if needed. I know lots of people who have used Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University to help. I think for his method - at the beginning of the month, you put into envelopes all of the spending cash that is available for each budget item (gas/insurance/home repair/necessities/food/entertainment, etc. - I don't think this includes things like savings, retirement, etc - those funds are tucked away and not easily accessible). Once the cash from an envelope is gone for the month - it's gone! No dipping into other envelopes! Any money not spent "rolls over" into the next month to save up for big purchases. If you don't like his method, there are plenty of others available. I think he uses cash because it's aimed at people who have credit problems - plus, you can "see" how much cash you're actually spending....makes it a little more tangible.
As other people have said, instead of "his" and "hers" it needs to be "ours" when it comes to money. Even if you really want to keep separate bank accounts, your budget needs to be unified. Meaning - the budget outlines how both of your money is spent on join bills, and limits how much either of you can spend on various budgeted items.
I read a marriage book a few years ago - the author shared a personal story about a husband with a spending problem, and a very patient wife. Despite the wife's reminder that the electric bill was due soon, the husband insisted that he needed new golf clubs. He bought them, and came home the next week to a dark house. The wife remained patient and kind - and it was an incredibly humbling blow to the man's ego.....for them it worked to "snap" him awake and gave him the desire to start showing responsibility. It's an extreme example of one way that your husband may need to be "jolted" out of his poor spending habits. If he overspends in one area of the budget - another area has to suffer. Set up automatic holds or transfers for things like savings and retirement payments - those are areas that he can continue to hurt, without ever noticing (until that is, you try to retire and have nothing left!).
A true spending problem is a sign there is something else wrong --- it's either vast immaturity or maybe the person's got a mental problem or maybe the money is going to the barman, the dealer or to some loanshark or towards the payment of some other vice.
If he wants a toy or gadget of some type, then let him save up for it ad buy it with his mad money fund -- like I said, the both of you get a "freebie" of maybe $25 a week -- spend that on whatever you like or want.
What kind of character do you think he has, based on that?
I agree with Samboni. I think it is potentially possible to salvage this marriage, but only if your H is willing to go to financial/marriage counseling. I also think it sounds like he has never learned to manage money. That is definitely a skill that can be learned, but only if he is willing to learn.
Through that process, you all should work together to create a budget. Work towards saving something you both want. Like a new house, the future (retirement), paying off a large debt, etc.
I see it as essentially saying "be 100% perfect, or I'm leaving." Nobody is perfect. I have flaws, and my husband has flaws, BUT we're both striving to be better people, and bring out the best in each other.
Her husband's poor spending habits and money management has been slowly built, established, and encouraged for years. It's not going to be completely reversed in a day. Now that the problem is being acknowledged (I realize this particular problem isn't new - but until now, not enough has been done to try and correct it, so it has essentially been recently accepted as a real problem), it will take them both some time to figure out how to solve it, and work on fixing it. Money management is a skill that can be learned, so hope shouldn't be lost.
Patience is a virtue.
Finances:
Basically with my ex-BF we had the agreement when he moved in that he would pay the bills (gas, water, electric) and I would pay the rent/mortgage. Every month he'd go out and buy a 'toy' and force me to pick up one of these bills. Guess what - that wasn't fair to me because now I had to cancel something I wanted to do with my money that I earned. When I would bring it up he would go on and on about why should he have to give stuff up and how 'wait until he was the bread winner'.
Household chores:
Ex-BF expected me to take the traditional roles... clean the house everyday, clean the bathroom everyday, cook and clean up after that - on top of working 40+ hours a week. When confronted he would say his mom did all the housework (even though she was a stay-at-home mom). Plus I had to care for ALL the pets (he wouldn't even let the dogs outside for a potty break!).
When I would bring things like this up and tell him how unhappy I was, he would give me the whole 'I'll change' speech. Guess what - he never changed, he'd change until he saw I was OK with things. What changed in me is I realized I had every right to be happy and I wasn't happy with him. I was pretty miserable actually because I wanted a partner, not a child. I wanted somebody that would be sympathetic to my needs as well. You could try talking to him and maybe seeing a therapist about it if you wish to stay in the relationship - but this is who he is.
Counseling - IMMEDIATELY!