hugging coworkers?

cloudymeatballs1

I went to a social event with my H the other night.  Some girl came up to him, gave him a hug right away.  I was standing there.  He introduced me to her and that was that.  SO I asked him who that was, he said someone's secretary.  I had never heard of this woman and I didn't exactly like it.  I kept it to myself and just enjoyed myself.  She and him never once said another thing to each other when I was there.  Then she left and gave him huge close hug again to say goodbye.  I didn't see her give anybody else a hug either.  I waited until we got in the car and asked him about it.  He got upset with me and right away called me insecure and ridiculous.  I didn't mean anything by it, I was curious, since I had never heard of this woman before, I asked him if they were close then or what.  He got upset and wouldn't even discuss the matter with me.  I simply told him that I thought it was weird and the fact that it made me uncomfortable.  I feel one thing if you are close with someone a hug can be fine.  But the fact he said he hardly knows her, which makes me wonder, why would she hug him if they barely talk..??  I am hurt by his reaction.  I already have some issues I am working on with his work situation but I am fine with them now and wishing we could have a normal marriage and explain to each other when something is bothering one another.  I like to express my feelings so that I don't hold them in.  He seems to get upset with me everytime I do if it is something he doesn't seem to agree with .

What is appropriate  ?  Work social gatherings when people hug each other?  I mean, I work with men too, I don't hug them.  If anything we will give each other a high five or something.  Just curious on your thoughts. TIA

VOR

At a social gathering - especially if alcohol is involved - I wouldn't be all that surprised by it.  And personally that's kind of what I suspect was going on.  And while you didn't see her hug anyone else, I'm sure she did.  (unless you were WATCHING her the entire night, and if you were.... I may better understand your DHs reaction) 

As for your DH - as there are other issues at play here (previous stuff w his job and you're own insecurities), it would have been nice for him to respond to you a bit gentler.  However, at the same time, however deep/ however long this has all been going on - if he's also kind if "done" w/ being questioned over stuff that isn't a big deal at all... he may have just snapped. 

I really don't know what to tell you about that aspect of it though.

But to answer your basic question - social event w/ alcohol - I don't see hugging coworkers as a big deal.

cloudymeatballs1

So does that mean I have to just keep quiet if I think something is kind of strange when it comes to my H?  I asked him who she was, and if they talked often.  He said no in a stern voice and said he barely knew her.  So I said ok.  Then he asked me why I hugged whoever, a colleague of his.  And also a friend of his who we have hung out with several times.  I said because he is his friend that is why. Right away any time I ask him about his work things he gets upset with me.  No I have been keeping quiet about things that used to bother me.  He is the one who will bring them up when I ask anything about work.

I want to move forward and be able to talk and ask questions like a normal husband and wife can.  I should not have to feel like I have to walk on eggshells about a question that I am curious about.  If he had simply stated, ya I don't know it was weird, in the first place.  Since that was what he ended up telling me later on, instead of flipping out on me and calling me insecure right away.  He makes me feel unable to discuss my feelings with him when it is regarding his work and I do not think that is fair on my part.  He reacts like a child instead of just a simply answer. 

And honestly, if he would have reacted differently with me I would not have thought twice about it.  He reacts this way every time.  It gets old and it hurts my feelings.

VOR

At a "non work conversation" time, have you asked him about this? Meaning- when you actually have nothing to ask or say about his job, have you asked him why he gets upset? If so, what does he say? And if he only gets upset at THIS - i'd ask him to stop and say simply "we need to be able to talk about this. I need to understand what the issue is w/ your job where I can't ask the simplest of questions w/o you getting upset. So- let's take a break, go do our own thing for (a 1/2 hour, hour, the day- whatever you think works) and talk again later. Take the time to collect your thoughts about this and let's TALK about it. I need you to help me understand."

doeydo

OK wait, was he only quick to anger/be on the defensive involving this lady he works with or have you "asked questions" before and this is how he always reacts?

GilliC

cloudymeatballs1 said:

I went to a social event with my H the other night.  Some girl came up to him, gave him a hug right away.  I was standing there.  He introduced me to her and that was that.  SO I asked him who that was, he said someone's secretary.  I had never heard of this woman and I didn't exactly like it.  I kept it to myself and just enjoyed myself.  She and him never once said another thing to each other when I was there.  Then she left and gave him huge close hug again to say goodbye.  I didn't see her give anybody else a hug either.  I waited until we got in the car and asked him about it.  He got upset with me and right away called me insecure and ridiculous.  I didn't mean anything by it, I was curious, since I had never heard of this woman before, I asked him if they were close then or what.  He got upset and wouldn't even discuss the matter with me.  I simply told him that I thought it was weird and the fact that it made me uncomfortable.  I feel one thing if you are close with someone a hug can be fine.  But the fact he said he hardly knows her, which makes me wonder, why would she hug him if they barely talk..??  I am hurt by his reaction.  I already have some issues I am working on with his work situation but I am fine with them now and wishing we could have a normal marriage and explain to each other when something is bothering one another.  I like to express my feelings so that I don't hold them in.  He seems to get upset with me everytime I do if it is something he doesn't seem to agree with .

What is appropriate  ?  Work social gatherings when people hug each other?  I mean, I work with men too, I don't hug them.  If anything we will give each other a high five or something.  Just curious on your thoughts. TIA

cloudymeatballs1 said:

So does that mean I have to just keep quiet if I think something is kind of strange when it comes to my H?  I asked him who she was, and if they talked often.  He said no in a stern voice and said he barely knew her.  So I said ok.  Then he asked me why I hugged whoever, a colleague of his.  And also a friend of his who we have hung out with several times.  I said because he is his friend that is why. Right away any time I ask him about his work things he gets upset with me.  No I have been keeping quiet about things that used to bother me.  He is the one who will bring them up when I ask anything about work.

I want to move forward and be able to talk and ask questions like a normal husband and wife can.  I should not have to feel like I have to walk on eggshells about a question that I am curious about.  If he had simply stated, ya I don't know it was weird, in the first place.  Since that was what he ended up telling me later on, instead of flipping out on me and calling me insecure right away.  He makes me feel unable to discuss my feelings with him when it is regarding his work and I do not think that is fair on my part.  He reacts like a child instead of just a simply answer. 

And honestly, if he would have reacted differently with me I would not have thought twice about it.  He reacts this way every time.  It gets old and it hurts my feelings.

So how often does this kind of thing come up? It sounds like you have a history of not trusting him around colleagues, and while he shouldn't jump to the defensive right away, I can understand getting tired of the insinuations if you're making this kind of comment regularly.

Do you have issues trusting him? Has he given you reasons not to trust him? If he has not, then this is mostly on you, and you can't expect him to beat a dead horse over and over just because you want to get your feelings out. You have a responsibility to work on your trust issues, even if it means talking to a therapist about what's causing them and how to address them. If he's given you reasons in the past that cause you not to trust him, then you both need to get yourselves into couples counseling, because you never truly resolved whatever was wrong in the first place.

If you do trust him, then why do you care if some girl hugged him or not? Some people are huggers. Even at work. And even if she's hugging him so she can rub her buxom chest against him and try to lure him into her evil den of infidelity, it still requires him to go along with it, so if you do trust him, just let it go, because it's up to him to tell her that she's making him uncomfortable.

Trixeetrix

Honestly, I think it is weird.  I would never hug any of my coworkers, most especially a married one of the opposite sex.  I prefer to keep my work relationships strictly business - but that is just my 2 cents.

I think your husband was wrong to jump at you the way he did.  If something makes you insecure you should be able to discuss it with him and he should listen - whether he agrees with it or not. 

shelbygetsmarried1214

I think that your H was a little to aggressive with his response to your question but it obviously seems like a much deeper issue. I doubt that there is anything going on, but next time you need to bring up a work relationship I would make it less like an investigating question and more like a "So, (her name) seemed really nice. We should invite her over for drinks sometime (don't actually ever do it). How is she related to you in the office?" This way it seems less judgmental and more like you are interested in his work environment. He'll be less aggressive and more likely to answer your questions.

In the end though, I really wouldn't worry about her. She's not worth fighting or causing a divide in your relationship over.

cloudymeatballs1

Ya we have had trust issues due to his work.  Years back, but I am not into that anymore.  I have let that go and have chosen to trust him and what he tells me. 

This situation, I thought, was just weird. He is in sales and visits other offices often.  This wasn't even a girl he works with on a normal basis. She was somebody else's secretary from a different office he visits sometimes.  I don't care that he talks with these people.  I just thought it was strange that this random woman who I have never heard of came and gave him a hug.  If that makes me insecure then so be it.  I just know myself and I would not just go hug some guy unless we had some sort of close relation.  Just saying. 

I guess I wish my H would try better to understand me instead of getting so defensive about things.  I am always going to ask questions.  I do that, especially if something doesn't make sense to me.  I don't try to cause arguments, I try to understand a situation. That is what a wife and husband should be doing.  And he seems to not get it.  He doesn't want to talk about things when he doesn't think it is a problem and that is my problem. I never put myself in a situation that would make him feel uncomfortable.  I have a lot of respect for marriage and think before I do things.  I always think, how would I like it if it were done to me.  Simple for me. 

I am not worried about any women he works with, I just don't, honestly, want him confiding in some other woman when he can me talking with me about things.  Whatever.  I am all good. Hopefully this wont happen again.

Thanks for listening

GilliC

cloudymeatballs1 said:

Ya we have had trust issues due to his work.  Years back, but I am not into that anymore.  I have let that go and have chosen to trust him and what he tells me. 

This situation, I thought, was just weird. He is in sales and visits other offices often.  This wasn't even a girl he works with on a normal basis. She was somebody else's secretary from a different office he visits sometimes.  I don't care that he talks with these people.  I just thought it was strange that this random woman who I have never heard of came and gave him a hug.  If that makes me insecure then so be it.  I just know myself and I would not just go hug some guy unless we had some sort of close relation.  Just saying. 

I guess I wish my H would try better to understand me instead of getting so defensive about things.  I am always going to ask questions.  I do that, especially if something doesn't make sense to me.  I don't try to cause arguments, I try to understand a situation. That is what a wife and husband should be doing.  And he seems to not get it.  He doesn't want to talk about things when he doesn't think it is a problem and that is my problem. I never put myself in a situation that would make him feel uncomfortable.  I have a lot of respect for marriage and think before I do things.  I always think, how would I like it if it were done to me.  Simple for me. 

I am not worried about any women he works with, I just don't, honestly, want him confiding in some other woman when he can me talking with me about things.  Whatever.  I am all good. Hopefully this wont happen again.

Thanks for listening

I don't really understand your post. You keep saying that you trust him, and you're not worried. But then you say that his actions make you feel insecure, and you don't want him to confide in another woman. These are completely mixed messages.

If you trusted him and didn't worry, you wouldn't feel insecure.

And if you don't worry about him confiding in another woman, why even mention it? That's like saying, "I'm not worried about the zombie apocalypse. I just don't want to be stuck without a shotgun and an emergency survival kit." If you really weren't worried, you wouldn't put together the survival kit.

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you trust him more than you really do.

And if you really do trust him, and you're just not very good at expressing yourself, then you should probably work on that. If you sincerely were surprised about work hugging, then you should have addressed the hugging. Not the hugger. "I'm so used to working in a very strict professional environment, that hugging a colleague would definitely make some people I work with uncomfortable! Is it common at your office?"

Because honestly, if you truly trust him, who she is would be irrelevant. If their relationship factored into the hugging, it would probably come up on its own. e.g. "No, I wouldn't say it's common. We just have a close relationship because we spent a lot of time working on XYZ last year."

VOR

GilliC said:

It sounds like you're trying to convince yourself that you trust him more than you really do.

Ditto all of what GilliC said, but especially this.  I don't think you trust  him as much as you WANT to trust him. 

However, I'm going to add to this:

I guess I wish my H would try better to understand me instead of getting so defensive about things.  I am always going to ask questions.  I do that, especially if something doesn't make sense to me.  I don't try to cause arguments, I try to understand a situation. That is what a wife and husband should be doing.  And he seems to not get it.  He doesn't want to talk about things when he doesn't think it is a problem and that is my problem.

Understanding each other is a 2 way street.  Taking what you said here at face value - if he's NOT a questioner, if he's NOT a "let's talk everything out to it's fullest", YOU need to be understanding of that too.  I'm kind of like your DH - if people start questioning me too much, I start to shut down and get annoyed at their questions.  Luckily my DH is NOT a big questioner.  But his dad is.  And it's REALLY annoying.  I've pulled back, WAY back, from his dad because I just don't want to deal w/ the 3rd degree from him.  And I know he means no harm - I know he's just curious.  But I simply do  not like it and I don't welcome it.

short+sassy

I have to apologize that I am about to be harsh, I do wish the best for you, but I have to admit I found your questions/conversation with your H extreme considering the situation.  Not that he should have been dismissive of you, but it sounds like you made a big deal over nothing and I would have been annoyed and offended also.

Let's review.  A coworker hugged him at a work function.  So what?  I've had many jobs in my lifetime and, while I generally don't hug coworkers at work, hugs are pretty par for the course at social functions and/or a big event...like someone leaving, etc.  It's not a big deal at all.  I wouldn't even blink an eye at my husband hugging a woman at a party...even if I didn't know her or if he didn't know her that well. 

RamaLamaDD

I think it sounds like it was weird and if it makes you uncomfortable he should just keep that in mind and try to be more aware of your feelings in the future even if it is completely innocent. I'm a big supporter of "it doesn't matter if it would make someone else uncomfortable, it matters if it makes you uncomfortable". I don't buy into this whole "well lots of guys do it" or "so and so doesn't get mad about it" bull. It's your relationship - not someone elses.

As a fun coworker story:

My husband told me he was having "Carey" (there was a Carey that was a man, so I just figured it was Carey the man coming to my house) from his work come to help with some painting at our house shortly after I moved in with him, and then it turned out Carey was a girl, who was jonsing pretty hard for my husband. The WHOLE FREAKING TIME she was at our house she was rubbing up against him "accidentally" and flirtatiously getting him with the paint brush etc. etc. and then making horribly uncomfortable eye contact with me. (I may or may not have made a point of rather aggressively full body press kissing him and then giving her a snarky bye as I left to grab some groceries..."for our dinner tonight hun!")

I asked him about it afterwards and he was honestly so oblivious to the fact that she was in love with him that I kind of laughed and then told him he needs to watch out for her...he was completely not interested and said she's kind of a wackjob but she paints well so there it is lol

Guys just don't think.