Trouble in Paradise
YummyChef
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sex but no kissing on lips? WTF?
Hi,
I've read a few posts but have never written on this board before. I'm a little baffled about something that happened last night and need some input.
Backstory: My husband and I have been separated since March, then we found out we were 5 weeks pregnant, we talked about getting back together (we'd only been separated two weeks) and were starting to rekindle our relationship (kissing, hugs, sex, etc.), when our baby was diagnosed with a fatal genetic disorder at 16 weeks and everything came to a screeching halt. We were extremely lost. He was born premature at 25 weeks and died a few minutes later because of his condition (I don't want to talk about it). It's been 5 weeks and 4 days since our son's passing.
My husband and I have been very friendly and kind to each other since the horrible diagnosis 15 weeks ago, but it's been non-sexual (long hugs, many kisses on cheek, forehead and neck, cuddling in bed, calling each other many times a day, etc). My therapist advised me not to push on the "relationship status" because neither one of us can deal right now with a second loss (our marriage/divorce).To just take comfort in each others company. So, I've just let things flow naturally and every day our relationship seems to be getting better and better. He's even doing things now that I've been wanting him to do for a long while (talk more, be more open, be more honest, be more helpful around the house, etc.).
Well, last night he came to visit me and we were watching a movie in bed. We were cuddling and completely intertwined. It was all very sensual and flirty, it went on for the entire movie (2 hours) until you could cut the sexual tension with a knife. Then things got physical, and I tried to makeout with him but he kept moving his face, he kissed me literally EVERYWHERE else (and I mean every inch of skin except on my lips). Well, I thought he was teasing me, until I flat out asked him to kiss me and he said "no". We were already in the middle of everything so we finished and that was it. I didn't argue or say anything because I'm usually a hothead that starts spewing out really hurtful things when I get angry, so I didn't say anything. We then went back to cuddling and hugging and watched a bit more tv. Like 30-40 minutes later he said he had to go. He gave me a couple more looong hugs, and kissed me on my forehead, cheek and neck a couple times... and left. This morning, he called me around midday like he usually does, to talk about his day so far, talk about what I've been doing. Everything was normal, but I was so mad at him that I just said I had another line and hung up. Why is he being so sweet, caring, sensual, attentive and then NOT kiss me? I'm so totally confused. If he were a jerk that showed up once a month to get laid, I would get this. But, he's being GREAT... I don't get it.
Any input? My therapist recommends being non-confrontational because he shuts down, so I don't want to straight up start an argument... And if he really did just want a quick lay I'm not giving him the satisfaction of thinking he hurt me by this ridiculous maneuver. Advice? Experiences?
Re: Sex but no kissing on lips? WTF?
I agree with everybody else --- you are holding onto nothing. This relationship was done a very long time ago.
If you still want to pursue this marriage, go see a sex therapist. It sounds to me like your H has something that is similar to the Madonna-Whore Syndrome.
He's "continued to be there" for you but he cannot and will not kiss you on the lips.
I'd call it quits with him; do you really want to live like this? At best, he is a sexual tease and not only is this problematic what he is not doing, it's almost like he is m aniuplating you.
Get a therapist to cope with your grief. I am sorry for your loss.
FWIW My DH and I have been together 7 years, and married 4, and are going through a real rough patch right now. I hope you get things figured out - I work in family law and wouldn't wish a broken marriage on anyone.
I think it was over when you separated, he came back because he wanted to be there to watch his baby progress through the pregnancy and be there when he was born, now that you have so unfortunately lost your baby he probably feels guilty leaving you completely and that is why he sticks around as a friend with "benefits", he is trying to help you heal through the process of your loss, he doesn't want to kiss you because he doesn't want the intimacy it brings.
I would say it is time to nip it in the bud and let it go! I'm really sorry for your loss and hope you can move on without him because you deserve another chance at finding someone that will be with you because he truly loves you.