Sex & the haircut

MrsRowe1

Well, my H and I have been together for a little over 5yrs, but married just under 2yrs. I love him, he's my go to for almost everything. We are opposites in many ways which has caused some conflict in the relationship, but we pride ourselves on our ability to compromise and grow through our differences. We are not the best communicators, but we are pretty darn honest with each other. 

That said, we only have sex every 3-6 months and that's it. Most commonly we have sex when we stay in a hotel room or are on vacation. When we come back from vacation we may have sex one or possibly two more times in the following month but it dries up very quickly. Our sex is definitely not the stuff of legend, pretty vanilla. When we very first started dating we had sex all the time for the first 6 months (and by all the time I mean every day, sometimes 2x a day), which I think is pretty common, I prefer to not use the term "normal" because I think it's different for everyone. The sex was also pretty good back then. 

A few things happened: 1. we moved in together after a year of dating (the sex slows down) 2. we both have super stressful job (slows down more) 3. we get married, move, get two dogs, my H starts playing videos games like crazy (it's crawling along now) 4. we move again, the H plays fewer video games after huge blow up, starts watching significantly more anime and "cartoon" porn, we both gain about 10lbs, then I joined crossfit and lost the 10 lbs (sex is moving at the speed of a slug). 

I don't have anything against porn per se, I myself can enjoy a nice "romantic porn" now and then. My H's version of porn freaks me out. He is also really particular about the way women look. Skinny, brunettes only, with long hair, that look like the anime cartoon characters or that are dressed up in costumes. I just don't get it. When we started dating I had short brown hair, wore no make up, dressed in super casual clothes, and really didn't care about being sexy. I'm also exactly the same weight as when we started dating, but I grew my hair long, I dress "prettier", and generally take pretty good care of the image (hair, makeup, etc). He has absolutely no interest in me. I know he's straight because he still masturbates to women, but I'm not one of them.

I'd like to have more sex. I'd like for my husband to be interested in me again. It hurts my feelings and is causing a divide in the relationship.

TarponMonoxide

Have you spoken to him about all of this???

If your sex life was minimal and not to your liking when you were not yet married to him, it was not likely he was going to turn into a wild and crazy sex machine.

If sex is important to you, you will talk to him about this and you will pretty much demand resolution to the problem where the outcome will be to your 100% satisfaction.

If he is not willing to make you happy in the bedroom, make yourself happy: find the door and get a guy who is into sex with you and who cannot keep his hands off you.  Life is too short for this kind of mess; you may be chasing after a phantom here.

Or you may not be chasing a phanotm; you will not know if youa re or not unless you talk to to him  about how unhappy you are sexually.

If there is no outcome that makes you happy after your talk with him, see which way you want to go on this. Put yourself first.

cowgirl8238

I am normally just a lurker to these boards but I wanted to come out and echo what Tarpon said.  You need to take care of yourself and if that means having a long talk with your H and possibly a separation/etc then that's what you need to do.  I am sad that you are not enjoying life to its fullest.

AlwysSmiling

I would definitely agree with the others that say you need to have a conversation with your H. I have learned from experience that it doesn't just fix itself. And playing the waiting game won't do it. You have to take action.

Another idea is to start slowly.  Start scheduling date nights. Don't expect sex to be the end result, just enjoy the date. Eventually, try a date-night-in with a game (I have gotten some good ones through Pure Romance or places like that).  

If there still seems to be an issue, or if you aren't feeling like he is responding, then try having that conversation - and bring up the things you have tried and see if he has any feedback/suggestions/etc.  

As for the "look" he's into, I wouldn't worry too much about that. I'm into 6'+ tall guys that weight 200 lbs with a tan and a 6-pack.  Does that describe my H?  Not at all.  But that doesn't mean I'm not attracted to my sexy hubby.

MrsRowe1

Thanks for the feedback everyone! Yes, the H and I have talked multiple times about this. His typical response is one of three things: 1. He has a slow sex drive, isn't it normal for the sex to slow down 2. He has gained some weight and doesn't feel sexy (his still dead sexy in my eyes) 3. He's tired & the times I have turned him down have made him gun shy. In response I've changed my own behavior - I no longer say no, I'll take it whenever I can get it! I stopped going to Crossfit so it wouldn't make him feel bad that I was getting in shape. I've asked him to ask his dr about the sex drive - his response is ehew. I will say my sex drive has slowed as well, and I most certainly do not want the sex life we had when we started dating - that would be exhausting! But, we're only in our early 30's, it's way too soon for the sex life to slow this much. This all came to a head because I'm cutting my hair off today (just can't take it anymore) and he had the nerve to be salty about it! I just said "well you don't ever touch me anyway, what does it matter if you don't think my hair is sexy!" It really pissed my off. I guess my ultimate question is if it's time to see a couples counselor or sex therapist. Leaving him just isn't an option, we really do love each other. We have date nights, we help each other out, but this isn't fixing itself. Seems life everyone else has A LOT more sex than we do.

doeydo

Yes, go try a sex therapist and/or couples counselor.

katiebelle2882

I am sorry but the fact that you think you need to be LESS of a healthy person by quitting crossfit bc your husband has confidence issues is appalling to me. He sounds extremely insecure (unless his excuse is just that- an excuse- it doesn't seem like something most men would say to begin with).

I think you may need a couples therapist in general. Not sure if that is separate from a sex therapist but either way, it seems much deeper than sex.