MIL and religion?

CortNort

So my husband and I have been married almost 3 years and have been together for almost 5. This issue was happening prior to us being married but I figured it would stop once we were married but I was wrong. My husband was raised LDS but he is no longer is an active member(he made this decision before meeting me) and his parents are very active in the church. I was not raised with any religion. Ever since we met, his mother has pressured me about religion... asking me if I have questions, sending me texts weekly about finding my place with the lord and even when I told her I was not interested, she bought me the Book of Mormon for my birthday. For wedding presents she bought us pictures of jesus for our walls and framed scriptures. I hate to be rude but seriously.. this is a respect issue. My husband has a few siblings who are involved with the church and a few that aren't. The siblings that are married are active and have wives who are also active. So my mother in law puts me down at family dinners and via mass texts to the family saying how happy she is that some of her children have found "eternal happiness" in their marrages and only hopes the rest will figure it out.

I am just so worried it will continue if we have children and then they will feel pressured or I will have to fight her about how I raise my children. I have discussed it with my husband and how it makes me feel that she is being disrespectful of my beliefs even when I have told her to stop and he has even texted her once asking her to respect my wishes, but nothing has changed. I don't want to turn my husband against his mother and I don't want to resent his mom for being so disrespectful. But this has got to stop. Any suggestions?

VOR

How "on the same page" is your DH?  Because clearly "texting her once" didn't do diddly squat.  he needs to talk to her IN PERSON and he needs to tell her to cut it.  And really- my next steps would be to 1- get up and leave when she's disrespectful, and then 2- refuse to see her until she starts making an effort to be respectful.

Is your DH willing to do this?  If not, then you have a bigger problem.  Your DH.  But if he is willing to back you up, then together, as a TEAM, make a stronger stand.   He needs to talk to her in person and then the two of you need to follow through with ACTION.

Because you're right - if yo udon't deal with this now, it absolutely will only get worse once you have kids.  And really - I'd even make that clear - "you don't cut the shit, you won't have access to our kids". 

Disneygeek77

Exactly.  Look what you are doing isn't working, so you both need to step it up.  Unfortunately with some people, you have to be blunt and direct or else they won't get it.  For example when talking to my MIL, you can't sugar coat because she will only hear " Blah blah blah, we love and respect you.  Blah blah blah, we know your beliefs are very important to you.  Blah blah blah, we want you involved in our lives." 

And please don't think of it as turning him against his mother, think of it as holding him accountable to the vows he made on your wedding day.

VOR

Disneygeek77 said:

And please don't think of it as turning him against his mother, think of it as holding him accountable to the vows he made on your wedding day.

To add, it's not you turning him against his mother.  It's HER turning people against her!!  if she wasn't shoving this crap down your throat, there would be no issue, no need to make a stand.  SHE is the one doing this.  not you. 

And vows aside, he should WANT to back you up.  he should know that she's in the wrong here.  not you!!!

GreenMonkey1

I am sorry you are dealing with this, religion is certainly a very personal choice.

@VOR hit the nail on the head, your DH needs to address this behavior with his mother in person and there need to be repercussions if the behavior continues.  Right now your DH is placing his mom or not rocking the boat or something else over you - very not cool.  You say you've talked to DH about feeling disrespected, how does he respond?  Sometimes it is good to put the ball in the other person's lap and ask how they would feel if the shoe was on the other foot or to ask them how they would respond in the moment. 

And the behavior will most likely get way worse once children enter the picture particularly since religion is involved and she is already going down the "eternal happiness" route.  I imagine the pressure to raise kids in the faith will be enormous. 

I had a "Come to Jesus" talk with DH shortly into our marriage due to my own MIL's behavior.  He needed to know that not dealing with his mother and continuing to let her behavior go unchecked would damage our marriage.  Like VOR mentioned, your DH needs to take a stronger stand.  If he doesn't it's like dropping a pebble in an ocean - no lasting impact.  It's hard to say, but for DH and I five years and two kids after our first MIL chat, the chicken has come home to roost.  We'll be starting couples counseling in the near future because we absolutely need to shore up our marriage.  Hopefully you and DH can get on the same page regarding your MIL because it's a lot easier to be proactive and put pieces in the right place rather than to rebuild later on. 

TarponMonoxide

CortNort said:

So my husband and I have been married almost 3 years and have been together for almost 5. This issue was happening prior to us being married but I figured it would stop once we were married but I was wrong. My husband was raised LDS but he is no longer is an active member(he made this decision before meeting me) and his parents are very active in the church. I was not raised with any religion. Ever since we met, his mother has pressured me about religion... asking me if I have questions, sending me texts weekly about finding my place with the lord and even when I told her I was not interested, she bought me the Book of Mormon for my birthday. For wedding presents she bought us pictures of jesus for our walls and framed scriptures. I hate to be rude but seriously.. this is a respect issue. My husband has a few siblings who are involved with the church and a few that aren't. The siblings that are married are active and have wives who are also active. So my mother in law puts me down at family dinners and via mass texts to the family saying how happy she is that some of her children have found "eternal happiness" in their marrages and only hopes the rest will figure it out. I am just so worried it will continue if we have children and then they will feel pressured or I will have to fight her about how I raise my children. I have discussed it with my husband and how it makes me feel that she is being disrespectful of my beliefs even when I have told her to stop and he has even texted her once asking her to respect my wishes, but nothing has changed. I don't want to turn my husband against his mother and I don't want to resent his mom for being so disrespectful. But this has got to stop. Any suggestions?

Make sure the buck stops here. And do so TODAY.

Your H needs to say this to your MIL in your presence and say so to her today:

"Ma,as of right now we are telling you do not send us any more religious solicitations. Do not try to recruit us. Do not mention religion.   We are not interested. Get the message once and for all; if you don't we will be forced to end contact with you altogether."

She cannot take no for an answer. That's tough for her.

Stand behind your words if she sends you anything else religious after your H says this to her.  Let her get a wake up call.

You cannot have her doing this to you. If there is a child in the picture, I guarantee you she will become worse once she finds out a baby is on the way.

End this nonsense and end it today.

He should have made sure the buck ended right there when she first pulled this nonsense. If he won't stand up to her, rethink him. He needs to stand with you on every issue and that includes his holy roller mother.  Forsaking all others is the vow and what relgiion you and your H embrace (or do not embrace) is not her business at all.

chrisnjay05212010

If you don't stand up for yourself now it will only get worse.  Your husband should really be the one to talk to his mother and stand behind you on this decision as it appears that he has told you he is willing to.  He needs to have a real conversation with her about it, not a text. 

However, if she does bring it up during a dinner like that, i would def respond back to her and tell her you have asked her more than once to respect your wishes! Leave if you need to.

BlueBirdMB

chrisnjay05212010 said:

If you don't stand up for yourself now it will only get worse.  Your husband should really be the one to talk to his mother and stand behind you on this decision as it appears that he has told you he is willing to.  He needs to have a real conversation with her about it, not a text. 

However, if she does bring it up during a dinner like that, i would def respond back to her and tell her you have asked her more than once to respect your wishes! Leave if you need to.

All of this.  You need to nip this in the bud before it gets out of control. 

CortNort

Thanks for the input guys. I worry about the refusing to see her and talk to her because then the rest of my husbands family will suffer. I love his family, and I even love my mother in law, it just sucks to constantly feel like I am not approved of, or she would like me more if only I had her views.

 I think the sitting down together sounds like a great idea.. I didn't think confrontation like that would work before, but reading what you guys are saying I am hopeful it will. If it doesn't work, I think I may need to have a bigger talk with my husband. Unfortunately, I am unsure if it came down to losing me or refusing his mom, that he would choose me. There have been nights we were supposed to go over for dinner or what not (used to be every single sunday and after talking to her about how it was intervening with our weekends, its now probably once every two weeks) and I say that I don't feel like going, he will just go without me rather than stay home with me. There may be a lot of bigger issues in our relationship that have come to light after reading your responses. 

BlueBirdMB

CortNort said:

Thanks for the input guys. I worry about the refusing to see her and talk to her because then the rest of my husbands family will suffer. I love his family, and I even love my mother in law, it just sucks to constantly feel like I am not approved of, or she would like me more if only I had her views.

 I think the sitting down together sounds like a great idea.. I didn't think confrontation like that would work before, but reading what you guys are saying I am hopeful it will. If it doesn't work, I think I may need to have a bigger talk with my husband. Unfortunately, I am unsure if it came down to losing me or refusing his mom, that he would choose me. There have been nights we were supposed to go over for dinner or what not (used to be every single sunday and after talking to her about how it was intervening with our weekends, its now probably once every two weeks) and I say that I don't feel like going, he will just go without me rather than stay home with me. There may be a lot of bigger issues in our relationship that have come to light after reading your responses. 

What what?  He should ALWAYS choose you over his mother.  He needs to cut those apron strings before this ruins your marriage.  

That being said, him going to dinner without you isn't a bad thing.  Let him go alone!  You'll both be happier.  He may not have realized that when you said you didn't want to go, that him not staying home with you was "choosing his mom's side".  He had committed to going that particular night, so he went.  I think you should only go to Sunday night dinners when you want to and send him alone the other nights.

VOR

BlueBirdMB said:

CortNort said:

Thanks for the input guys. I worry about the refusing to see her and talk to her because then the rest of my husbands family will suffer. I love his family, and I even love my mother in law, it just sucks to constantly feel like I am not approved of, or she would like me more if only I had her views.

 I think the sitting down together sounds like a great idea.. I didn't think confrontation like that would work before, but reading what you guys are saying I am hopeful it will. If it doesn't work, I think I may need to have a bigger talk with my husband. Unfortunately, I am unsure if it came down to losing me or refusing his mom, that he would choose me. There have been nights we were supposed to go over for dinner or what not (used to be every single sunday and after talking to her about how it was intervening with our weekends, its now probably once every two weeks) and I say that I don't feel like going, he will just go without me rather than stay home with me. There may be a lot of bigger issues in our relationship that have come to light after reading your responses. 

What what?  He should ALWAYS choose you over his mother.  He needs to cut those apron strings before this ruins your marriage.  

That being said, him going to dinner without you isn't a bad thing.  Let him go alone!  You'll both be happier.  He may not have realized that when you said you didn't want to go, that him not staying home with you was "choosing his mom's side".  He had committed to going that particular night, so he went.  I think you should only go to Sunday night dinners when you want to and send him alone the other nights.

Um, yeah. These are kind of 2 differnet things. You not wanting to go to dinner is fine and his still going w/o you is actually o.k. You arne't joined at the hip. BUt if you actually think this is a sign he'd choose his mom over you.... um, wow. You have much bigger issues at play here.

BlueBirdMB

VOR said:

BlueBirdMB said:

CortNort said:

Thanks for the input guys. I worry about the refusing to see her and talk to her because then the rest of my husbands family will suffer. I love his family, and I even love my mother in law, it just sucks to constantly feel like I am not approved of, or she would like me more if only I had her views.

 I think the sitting down together sounds like a great idea.. I didn't think confrontation like that would work before, but reading what you guys are saying I am hopeful it will. If it doesn't work, I think I may need to have a bigger talk with my husband. Unfortunately, I am unsure if it came down to losing me or refusing his mom, that he would choose me. There have been nights we were supposed to go over for dinner or what not (used to be every single sunday and after talking to her about how it was intervening with our weekends, its now probably once every two weeks) and I say that I don't feel like going, he will just go without me rather than stay home with me. There may be a lot of bigger issues in our relationship that have come to light after reading your responses. 

What what?  He should ALWAYS choose you over his mother.  He needs to cut those apron strings before this ruins your marriage.  

That being said, him going to dinner without you isn't a bad thing.  Let him go alone!  You'll both be happier.  He may not have realized that when you said you didn't want to go, that him not staying home with you was "choosing his mom's side".  He had committed to going that particular night, so he went.  I think you should only go to Sunday night dinners when you want to and send him alone the other nights.

Um, yeah. These are kind of 2 differnet things. You not wanting to go to dinner is fine and his still going w/o you is actually o.k. You arne't joined at the hip. BUt if you actually think this is a sign he'd choose his mom over you.... um, wow. You have much bigger issues at play here.

I think he IS choosing his mother over her, but him going to dinner alone isn't a sign of it.  He isn't standing up to his mother who is saying inappropriate comments, making people uncomfortable, and sticking her nose where it doesn't belong.  That's choosing his mom over his wife's feelings.