First Year of marriage tips?

GandF2014

Hello! My Fiance and I are to be married March 15th, 2015. I've been absolutely terrified about making the transition to being a married couple, and I am hoping for some first year tips if anyone doesn't mind? Thank you so much! 

BlueBirdMB

Right before I got married I watched that show on Bravo where they followed 4 couples through their first year of marriage.  It terrified me.  It made me think that the first year was going to be really hard.  Our first year of marriage wasn't hard.  We had a strong relationship before marriage and the relationship didn't suddenly change just because we were married. 

doeydo

How long have you two been together?  Do you live together already?  Have you had sex already or are you waiting for marriage?

GandF2014

We've been together for about 2 years. We do not live together yet, but we have bought a house together. We decided to wait for him to move in until a few weeks before the wedding because he wants something to feel different when we get married. Yes we have had sex already. 

chrisnjay05212010

We bought a house and moved in together about 9 months before our wedding.  By the time we got married, we had been together just shy of 10 years.  There were few bumps when we first moved in. Id say the biggest issues came about 6 months after we got married when we started to combine finances and we really were trying to settle into who will handle this and that and how. 

My advice- not everything has to be a fight, learn to compromise, and work together towards what works for the TWO of you. What works for one couple may not work for another.  Every couple is different- some have no issues, some have major ones.

DrWifePhD

We were together 5 years before marriage (actually longer but that's a whole other story), lived together for 2.5 years before, so I assumed nothing would really change.  I would say that about two-three months after the wedding, when the initial "Oh I have a husband" surprise wore off, our relationship did change.  Mostly the changes were positive, in that we felt more like a team.  I will say this was my issue, but for a few months there it felt like every argument was the Battle To End All Battles Or Else I Will Be Stuck With This Thing He's Done For The Rest of Forever.

We are not completely through the first year, but as someone on the inside of it, here are the few things I've learned over the past ten months:

1.  Date night really IS important - we can feel a shift in our relationship for the better when we actually go do something other than just watching the same old TV shows on the couch.  We started off our marriage celebrating our "monthiversary" every month, and so far we've done something special on each of them (it's only been 10 months so hopefully we can mostly keep it up in the future).  And research says you should do something novel every few months (not necessarily skydiving, but maybe a friendly bowling competition if you've never done that together) to keep the thrill in your relationship going.  

2.  Turns out, not every fight is The Big One (I'm sure you post-newlyweds are giggling to yourselves about this one right now).  I have learned to step back and assess whether this is something that I will remember caring about in five years.  Most of the time it really isn't.  When I do feel like throwing a shoe at something, I put all of that rage into something productive, like washing dishes.  Then I'm much less angry and my kitchen is clean for once.

3.  You get out of the relationship what you put into it.  If you ignore him for your phone/computer every night, he will learn to entertain himself without you, and soon you'll be drifting apart.  If you send him love notes or flirty texts every once in a while you'll probably find you get a few back.  Every now and then do something he loves/you don't without complaining - if he's a good man he'll catch on and start doing the same.  That being said, don't do things for the sake of getting something back.  Do things for him because you love him.  

If something earth-shattering happens after our first anniversary I'll be sure to come back and let you know.

GilliC

Are you on the same page about cleaning, housework, and general tidiness? Honestly, that's the number one thing people seem to have problems with. (FYI - If he's a slob now, he's going to be a slob after you get married and move in together. Some people who post here really don't seem to understand this.)

Otherwise, have you discussed your finances? Full disclosure of accounts and in-depth discussions of spending habits and financial priorities? This is probably the second biggest issue.

Lastly, what about children? Are you planning on having any? How many, and how long after you marry? Hopefully you've both discussed this already, since you're getting married.

l9i

So I haven't been married a full year yet but there are things to overcome that will come with marriage, not as much the marriage itself, but more of the living together.  H and I were together five years before marriage and lived together for three of those years.  Since being married many people have asked if it feels different and apart from my new name not much has changed and I believe that to be a good thing.  However, I know we have "bumps" before marriage when living together was new to us and we were learning.

- If your cleanliness styles are vastly different (very clean and organized vs. messy) there will be things to work through.  Remember compromise.  We are both in the middle so aside from sharing chores, etc this wasn't too rough.

- Our biggest hurdle was finances.  We essentially shared finances for awhile before getting married as we lived together and had a house.  However, we had conflicts of H being very thrifty and not willing to spend a lot to me who is more compulsive in spending.  In the end we both have learned from each other.  I have tightened the grip on my spending and H has learned its ok to get something you want and not necessarily need every once in while.

My advice is communication.  As long as you both have been open about things like this and are willing to work together through differences I think you'll be fine.  It's an exciting time and shouldn't be rough

Bubblegum5586

We will be celebrating our 1 year in just under 2 weeks! Wow did that go by fast!

H and I had almost 8 years together before our wedding with 4 1/2 of those living together and the majority of the years living together sharing finances.

The transition to a married couple was an easy one for us, and our first year of marriage was our best year together yet! (H also finally got a great new job making a lot more money AND we purchased our first house!). We spent many of the dating years learning each others habits with household chores, how we spend money and how we resolve problems.

The main thing that has changed for me is when we have a fight I think we both compromise faster and try to come to a resolution quicker. Knowing that this is your partner for life, you want to work it out and be happy again. There is no leaving if you can't come to an agreement.

So I get the idea of waiting to move in because you want it to feel different. But different can be good or bad. Living with someone can be hard, and I really think it is best to live with your future spouse before the big day. It takes away from that being new, but you are married, and that is still new and exciting!

BlueBirdMB

bubblegum1309 said:

We will be celebrating our 1 year in just under 2 weeks! Wow did that go by fast!

H and I had almost 8 years together before our wedding with 4 1/2 of those living together and the majority of the years living together sharing finances.

The transition to a married couple was an easy one for us, and our first year of marriage was our best year together yet! (H also finally got a great new job making a lot more money AND we purchased our first house!). We spent many of the dating years learning each others habits with household chores, how we spend money and how we resolve problems.

The main thing that has changed for me is when we have a fight I think we both compromise faster and try to come to a resolution quicker. Knowing that this is your partner for life, you want to work it out and be happy again. There is no leaving if you can't come to an agreement.

So I get the idea of waiting to move in because you want it to feel different. But different can be good or bad. Living with someone can be hard, and I really think it is best to live with your future spouse before the big day. It takes away from that being new, but you are married, and that is still new and exciting!

That's really true.  Before we were married, I did think during fights sometimes, "I don't have to do this anymore.  I could just leave now…"  That thought process definetely made me less likely to resolve fights.  

kayleighjday

I'm not an expert at marriage and I'm just shy of my 1 year anniversary. In all honesty, I thought the transition of moving in together was harder than the transition of getting married. Here are my tips:

1. Be intimate- regularly (this is huge for us, obviously everyone is different though )

2. Have honest conversations. Not picking fights or making a mountain out of a molehill. But if there is a big issue, address it. 

3. Have the finances conversation. This was REALLY hard for us. We are super similar when it comes to our money habits, which makes it easy and hard at the same time. Make sure that both of you feel it is fair.

Hope your wedding planning and day go wonderfully! 

dutchgirl76

DrWifePhD said:

 I will say this was my issue, but for a few months there it felt like every argument was the Battle To End All Battles Or Else I Will Be Stuck With This Thing He's Done For The Rest of Forever.

THIS! We just celebrated our 4 year anniversary and I still have moments where I feel this way (although it's very seldom now.)I was raised not to go to bed angry but I think it's outdated advice. Sometimes you have to sleep on it, even just leave the house for an hour both calm down and breathe before ending an argument, a lot of times you'll find it's not as big as it was in the heat of it.

And then learn to compromise, both of you. Eventually you'll have to give in to make it work for both of you, just make sure you're strong in your communication so that H knows where you stand and can find a compromise for you.

We are not completely through the first year, but as someone on the inside of it, here are the few things I've learned over the past ten months:

1.  Date night really IS important - we can feel a shift in our relationship for the better when we actually go do something other than just watching the same old TV shows on the couch.  We started off our marriage celebrating our "monthiversary" every month, and so far we've done something special on each of them (it's only been 10 months so hopefully we can mostly keep it up in the future).  And research says you should do something novel every few months (not necessarily skydiving, but maybe a friendly bowling competition if you've never done that together) to keep the thrill in your relationship going.  

This is a really cool idea the monthiversary!

My husband works in public service and has a rotating schedule which includes 2 overnight shifts a week which often fall on weekends and holidays. Sadly we have to literally mark on the calendar a "date night" at least 6 weeks out to make sure we can both do something. It helps, gives you something to look forward too. You can easily fall in a rut watching tv/netflix/video games even if you're together so think outside the box. Start a tradition, you always go out for a certain type of food on his birthday and you go dancing or to the movies on your dating anniversary etc.

2.  Turns out, not every fight is The Big One (I'm sure you post-newlyweds are giggling to yourselves about this one right now).  I have learned to step back and assess whether this is something that I will remember caring about in five years.  Most of the time it really isn't.  When I do feel like throwing a shoe at something, I put all of that rage into something productive, like washing dishes.  Then I'm much less angry and my kitchen is clean for once.

Shared bank accounts are a big adjustment. Make sure you both know what the budget is and stick to it. Allow for each other to have a little bit of fun money if you have room (spa day, football tickets etc.) This way if one of you decides to splurge when the funds allow, the other can't be upset at the spending.

I've heard not to make renovations in your first year of marriage. Unfortunately going into year 3 we're still not quiet ready for this (although almost there.) I guess they can be so stressful it's better to wait until you're both used to being married.

Be prepared that life throws some nasty curve balls so be ready to support each other no matter what. I was laid off less than 2 months after getting married, because of this our house buying search was put off. It was depressing and scary since we hadn't shared a bank account. My mom died less than 2.5 years into our marriage. I don't say this to scare you, just be ready for big life changes. I'm so thankful I had my H when all of this happened, but if we didn't support each other as much as we did I genuinely think we would have gotten divorced from all the stress.

With all of that being said, I hope your wedding is a beautiful, joyus day and I wish you blessings in your new marriage. Enjoy every moment as it's a lot of fun to get to know your spouse in the intimate ways and build traditions to last the rest of your life

tseguin

My dh and I had lived together for 5 years and bought our own home 2 years before we got married, so nothing changed after we got married.  We knew nothing would change. We would still fight about the same things we did before we got married. We did renovations when we first moved into the house and it was very hard on our relationship, but, we pulled through. You will notice a difference since you haven't lived together. Living together was the first big adjustment and having our first child was another life changing adjustment.  Although, when we had our dd, we were fully ready mentally and financially to have a child, so, for us, it was a positive adjustment, but, I am also very fortunate that he is very involved in her life and helps take care of her as much, if not more than I do!   The best thing I can tell you is, don't sweat the small stuff....it took me a LONG time to learn that one. 

xNimirrax

We've only been married 1.5 months but so far it's been great. I've heard a lot about the first year being the hardest and people always ask how's married life and when I answer that it's great, they seem to be surprised!

We did live together for over a year before we were married so that may be part of why it's been so easy. We also have worked REALLY hard with communication which helps. I think as long as you can communicate your wants and needs to each other, it's not too bad. I've struggled with it in the past but I'm getting better at it.

Financially we sometimes butt heads a bit but we both respect where each other are coming from. In previous relationships I was always the 'saver' but he is so frugal that he makes me look like a big spender. So sometimes there is a little conflict of do we really need something. (I'm talking $40 bedsheets, not a $500 TV or anything). We decided to do the hers, his and our bank account. All household bills, food, vacations are paid for out of one account that we both contribute a set amount to and anything remaining is our own personal money for whatever (video games for him, painting with a twist classes for me).

Long answer short, it has been good so far. It just takes a lot of planning and communication!

GilliC

xNimirrax said:

I've heard a lot about the first year being the hardest 

Absolutely not for us!

For us, Year 3 was the hardest. Next hardest was Year 4, and third place was probably Year 6. I'd say the first year was one of the easiest (aside from the few months when his parents were living in our apartment with us)!

joleri23

Everyone kept telling me I'd feel a "shift" once we got married - nothing bad, just something different. I didn't feel it until 3 or 4 months in, but suddenly there it was. It had nothing to do with our relationship but everything to do with me. Suddenly I felt like an old woman, like single people were having more fun than me. It doesn't help that no one in my core group of friends is married or even engaged (and we've been married almost 2 years now).

I just got back into the habit of calling my girls up to hang out, and the problem was solved. Other than that, we didn't hit anything major in the first two years. We had already lived together and had worked out our finances, so that helped a lot. Good luck! Whatever happens you'll find a way around it together.

nessie994

I can say for me, not a whole lot has changed since getting married besides my name. One thing that is true: any problems you had before you tied the knot will still be there. Marriage(and long term relationships) are not easy. You both have to put in the effort. And adjusting to living together may be hard. It may annoy you the way he leaves his things around, or it may annoy him the way you have makeup all over the counter. That's normal, so don't let the little things spiral into big things. The best things for your relationship will be honesty, communication, and sex.

mrsqb

Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!  I have been married for 9 months - we dated for 5 years and lived together for 4 years - and it has so far been the happiest time of my life.  Here are some of the biggies to think about that may change after you get married:

1.  Where do you spend the holidays, and with whom?  DH and I have been celebrating 4 (5, if you count our "us" time) of each holiday for the past 5 years and determined that marriage creates a natural turning point at which we can TRY to merge some family members and host a few events ourselves.  This has been challenging, but (mostly) rewarding.

2.  Finances - Talk about those before you get married!  We didn't combine finances or begin saving until the day we were married, although we DID discuss them.  This can be tricky, as it's common for couples to enter into marriage with varying incomes and savings.  I had (have) less to contribute, he had (has) more.  WE decided to keep our savings from pre-wedding day life where they were, and to open a joint checking and savings for day one of married life - onward.  Merging/not merging savings was a touchy subject, but it has worked out well so far.  

3.  Are you going to have a child(ren)?  When?  I thought I'd be happy to wait 4 years after we got married.  Something changed...I cannot WAIT to have this man's baby now.  We have had to really communicate and come to a compromise (we're now looking at trying in 1 more year).

Otherwise - married life is amazing, and the first year has been incredible.  If you think you're in love now, wait until you hear him say his vows to you.  *Shivers*  I still draw on that when I'm having a rough day.

HeatherKirkpatrick

Your wedding is in two months!  Oh, that is so exciting.  I hope you really enjoy your big day.

I got married this past May 2014, so I've been married 8 months today.  Of course, how people's first month of marriage is going to be different depending on the couple and how strong their relationship is and all.  Some people will tell you the first three or so years of marriage are the hardest.  Perhaps that is true.  Since I am in my first year, I can't compare what year 1 and 2 look like compared to 5 and 10.

Our first year of marriage has been good so far.  Before we were married, my husband and I read "10 Great Dates Before I Do," which had us discuss many topics that are relevant to when you are married.  Things like visiting family, handling taxes, if you'll go to church or not, etc etc.  We also took part in premarital counseling.  We weren't going to before, but we were happy we did.  We got a strong, married couple's opinion of our marriage, got to hear their advice, and got to talk about some topics we didn't realize or were too scared to talk about.  I suggest you try those two things if you haven't yet.

So, what I can tell you is that our married life feels so similar to our dating life.  Some background: We dated 2.5 years and were engaged for 1.  We don't have kids and didn't live together beforehand. We dated throughout college, and we're 22/23.  We do very similar things and act very similarly together (we still watch our tv shows, play games together, eat meals together).  Things that changed include that we now share a bed together (love it), we now are having sex (it feels special, but it's new to us), and we see each other more than we did in college.  We've actually learned more habits of each other (how I handle dirty laundry, how we handle dirty dishes differently, how to distribute choirs, and how to handle time together vs time apart).  Those things and somewhat money have caused a little tension, but we fight similarly to when we were dating and we communicate the same (we try to express what we feel, why we got mad, what we were expecting).

I don't think you need to worry about married life.  They always learning how to communicate is the best skill in marriage.  If you read that book and/or do premarital counseling, that will help so much with communication.  Like someone else said above, a regular sex life is also pretty important.  Before I got married, I was sex on this many times a week and thought I knew what I needed to know, but we're still working on it.  Some things you need time to figure out to; you don't need the answer right away, but you should still try to figure it out sooner than later.

Knottie67250513

Love the advice you are getting. Our first year was very hard, and full of unexpected events. 

Have you tried listening to marriage podcasts? I learn a ton from them, and for your first year l highly recommend The First Year Marriage Show podcast. 

Its fun, and features couples who share their first year of marriage story. 

cmclaire

I'm at the six-months-in mark.  Very little in the way of advice bar what's been said above, but I can tell you it's awesome being married.  Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!