Drunk Sex and Masturbation

RosebudzJJ

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 7 years. Our sex life has always been very open and adventurous. We've tried just about everything and even recently, for my birthday, he got me two new toys... which I love! BUT, lately its almost like we don't touch each other unless we've been drinking. I feel it all started a couple months ago when I had suspicions he was sneaking out of bed to go into the spare room to masturbate. I caught him in the room several times in the middle of the night and he claimed he was just trying to get some unbothered rest (which is a crock because he HATES the bed in the spare room), I also found lube hidden under the bed in there. I did not confront him on this. Not long after these incidents... one night, I was trying to get frisky and he claimed he had a headache (which he has NEVER done), so I gave him the night to rest. I ended up going to bed before him and the next morning, me still feeling frisky, I start making my moves. As I start feeling him, its already sticky with left over lube. I can tell. I did not confront him about this until a couple weeks later, which then he claimed he didn't recall the night and doesn't remember. He does not deny the act... which is fine. We have always been very open about everything... even each other's masturbation when the other is not there. My problem is, I am there. This is more of a choice instead of a last resort now. Not to mention there have been several other insistences; minor ones, like finding the lube in weird places, or missing, or finding him looking at porn on his phone... or the most hurtful one, finding him having sexual explicit conversations with another female on social media. That was obviously brought up as soon as I was made aware and he claimed it was innocent and immediately deleted this female and discontinued contact with her. I have tried to forget this, but it has been hard. Especially, when I feel like he just isn't attracted to me now unless he has been drinking. How can I keep his HANDS on me, and have him want to engage in sober sex with me again? Advice please.

doeydo

RosebudzJJ said:

Me and my boyfriend have been together for almost 7 years. Our sex life has always been very open and adventurous. We've tried just about everything and even recently, for my birthday, he got me two new toys... which I love! BUT, lately its almost like we don't touch each other unless we've been drinking. I feel it all started a couple months ago when I had suspicions he was sneaking out of bed to go into the spare room to masturbate. I caught him in the room several times in the middle of the night and he claimed he was just trying to get some unbothered rest (which is a crock because he HATES the bed in the spare room), I also found lube hidden under the bed in there. I did not confront him on this. Not long after these incidents... one night, I was trying to get frisky and he claimed he had a headache (which he has NEVER done), so I gave him the night to rest. I ended up going to bed before him and the next morning, me still feeling frisky, I start making my moves. As I start feeling him, its already sticky with left over lube. I can tell. I did not confront him about this until a couple weeks later, which then he claimed he didn't recall the night and doesn't remember. He does not deny the act... which is fine. We have always been very open about everything... even each other's masturbation when the other is not there. My problem is, I am there. This is more of a choice instead of a last resort now. Not to mention there have been several other insistences; minor ones, like finding the lube in weird places, or missing, or finding him looking at porn on his phone... or the most hurtful one, finding him having sexual explicit conversations with another female on social media. That was obviously brought up as soon as I was made aware and he claimed it was innocent and immediately deleted this female and discontinued contact with her. I have tried to forget this, but it has been hard. Especially, when I feel like he just isn't attracted to me now unless he has been drinking. How can I keep his HANDS on me, and have him want to engage in sober sex with me again? Advice please.

Yikes, this sounds like my current SO; we have been dealing with these issues for years now.   He has a sex addiction and FASD.  
I suggest seeing a sex therapist together.  

shelbygetsmarried1214

Sex therapy is a must if you wan to hold onto this relationship. There's obviously something that he isn't communicating to you and it TOTALLY isn't fair because it ends up leaving you unsatisfied and insecure. This issue isn't you, it's him. I would confront him and let him know that this is something that really needs to be discussed or your relationship isn't what you thought it was. I'm sorry girl, men can be pigs sometimes!

aardvark2009

To me it almost sounds like he's having an affair or about to. The fact that he was talking to another woman would have been the last straw for me. I'm not sure what you classify as cheating or what's not allowed in the relationship, but it sounds like you weren't happy about the porn and of course the social media incident. Obviously confronting isn't doing anything about it. I would sit down with him and have a long hard talk and at the end if I felt nothing was solved I'd suggest couples therapy.

thatwritergirl5

I don't think I would have let this go past him talking to another female.  I'm okay with masturbation, porn-watching and the like, but why bring another female into it when he has you to talk to about these things?  I don't see a reason, BUT if you want to try and salvage the situation, I would see about talking to a therapist as the PP have said.

Good luck and I hope it works out for you.