guidance, help, input appreciated!

Kim7245

So, I am looking to get some advice, or a kick in the butt to do the best thing for myself and my kids because I’m pretty lost right now.

Two years ago my husband was transferred to a foreign country for work and we’ve lived here since then.  It was pretty challenging adjusting to everything – finding schools for my kids, learning another language, understanding all the cultural things that come along with living in a developing country.  Now, two years later, my kids really enjoy it here and I have a good group of friends – all expats like myself. 

However, my relationship with my husband is worse than ever.  There is nothing overtly bad or horrible which makes it harder to describe ‘the problem’.  It’s more just a general lack of any closeness or relationship – we barely talk, he hardly ever spends quality time with the kids and never spends quality time with me.  We haven’t kissed or hugged in months and we have sex once a month, if that.  

It feels like I force him to sit down to talk about our relationship once a month and I can see him tuning out as soon as I open my mouth.  But at least after that he promises that he’ll reevaluate his priorities, work at our relationship, etc… things are better for a couple days and then back to normal… he’ll disappear for five hours for rugby practice without a single call or email, sleep on the couch for hours on Saturday afternoon while the kids and I play, no affection and no sex or even conversation between us.

I have no one to talk to – I won’t tell my family because I wouldn’t even know how to explain the problem when everything seems fine from the outside; and I don’t really have a best friend here that I could talk to about it.  I’m so lonely that some days I feel myself starting to cry a dozen times a day.  I’m sad at the state of our relationship and worst of all, I’m starting to take it out on my kids... I grew up in a divorced household and my parent’s behavior during and after the divorce deeply impacted all of us for years - I wouldn’t wish that on anyone yet now I see myself doing something similar and I’m unable to stop myself.  I’m just so angry and disappointed that I am lashing out but I don’t know how to fix it or control it. 

I’m tired of feeling so, so lonely and stuck thousands of miles away from anyone who cares about me but I don’t know what my options are – if I brought my kids back to the US I don’t even know where we’d live or how I’d support them but if I stay here, I’ll feel like I’m slowly wasting away, losing years to a dead relationship and feeling horrible about myself. 

At this point I don’t even know what I’m looking for… this is a combination of just venting and asking for advice, or maybe just someone to point out that I’m being too dramatic and to stop complaining b/c things could be worse… 

doeydo

Kim7245 said:

So, I am looking to get some advice, or a kick in the butt to do the best thing for myself and my kids because I’m pretty lost right now.

Two years ago my husband was transferred to a foreign country for work and we’ve lived here since then.  It was pretty challenging adjusting to everything – finding schools for my kids, learning another language, understanding all the cultural things that come along with living in a developing country.  Now, two years later, my kids really enjoy it here and I have a good group of friends – all expats like myself. 

However, my relationship with my husband is worse than ever.  There is nothing overtly bad or horrible which makes it harder to describe ‘the problem’.  It’s more just a general lack of any closeness or relationship – we barely talk, he hardly ever spends quality time with the kids and never spends quality time with me.  We haven’t kissed or hugged in months and we have sex once a month, if that.  

It feels like I force him to sit down to talk about our relationship once a month and I can see him tuning out as soon as I open my mouth.  But at least after that he promises that he’ll reevaluate his priorities, work at our relationship, etc… things are better for a couple days and then back to normal… he’ll disappear for five hours for rugby practice without a single call or email, sleep on the couch for hours on Saturday afternoon while the kids and I play, no affection and no sex or even conversation between us.

I have no one to talk to – I won’t tell my family because I wouldn’t even know how to explain the problem when everything seems fine from the outside; and I don’t really have a best friend here that I could talk to about it.  I’m so lonely that some days I feel myself starting to cry a dozen times a day.  I’m sad at the state of our relationship and worst of all, I’m starting to take it out on my kids... I grew up in a divorced household and my parent’s behavior during and after the divorce deeply impacted all of us for years - I wouldn’t wish that on anyone yet now I see myself doing something similar and I’m unable to stop myself.  I’m just so angry and disappointed that I am lashing out but I don’t know how to fix it or control it. 

I’m tired of feeling so, so lonely and stuck thousands of miles away from anyone who cares about me but I don’t know what my options are – if I brought my kids back to the US I don’t even know where we’d live or how I’d support them but if I stay here, I’ll feel like I’m slowly wasting away, losing years to a dead relationship and feeling horrible about myself. 

At this point I don’t even know what I’m looking for… this is a combination of just venting and asking for advice, or maybe just someone to point out that I’m being too dramatic and to stop complaining b/c things could be worse… 

Why are you still with him?  Simply because of the foreign country thing?  Which country is it, if you don't mind me asking?  Perhaps you could kick him out and continue to live there, or you could take your children and move back home to where you have a better support system.  

You don't want your children growing up thinking that that is what a relationship and/or marriage is supposed to be like?  Loveless, affection-less, unhappy, etc.

catsareniice1

I really feel for you. How long has he been acting this way?

GilliC

Kim7245 said:

So, I am looking to get some advice, or a kick in the butt to do the best thing for myself and my kids because I’m pretty lost right now.

Two years ago my husband was transferred to a foreign country for work and we’ve lived here since then.  It was pretty challenging adjusting to everything – finding schools for my kids, learning another language, understanding all the cultural things that come along with living in a developing country.  Now, two years later, my kids really enjoy it here and I have a good group of friends – all expats like myself. 

However, my relationship with my husband is worse than ever.  There is nothing overtly bad or horrible which makes it harder to describe ‘the problem’.  It’s more just a general lack of any closeness or relationship – we barely talk, he hardly ever spends quality time with the kids and never spends quality time with me.  We haven’t kissed or hugged in months and we have sex once a month, if that.  

It feels like I force him to sit down to talk about our relationship once a month and I can see him tuning out as soon as I open my mouth.  But at least after that he promises that he’ll reevaluate his priorities, work at our relationship, etc… things are better for a couple days and then back to normal… he’ll disappear for five hours for rugby practice without a single call or email, sleep on the couch for hours on Saturday afternoon while the kids and I play, no affection and no sex or even conversation between us.

I have no one to talk to – I won’t tell my family because I wouldn’t even know how to explain the problem when everything seems fine from the outside; and I don’t really have a best friend here that I could talk to about it.  I’m so lonely that some days I feel myself starting to cry a dozen times a day.  I’m sad at the state of our relationship and worst of all, I’m starting to take it out on my kids... I grew up in a divorced household and my parent’s behavior during and after the divorce deeply impacted all of us for years - I wouldn’t wish that on anyone yet now I see myself doing something similar and I’m unable to stop myself.  I’m just so angry and disappointed that I am lashing out but I don’t know how to fix it or control it. 

I’m tired of feeling so, so lonely and stuck thousands of miles away from anyone who cares about me but I don’t know what my options are – if I brought my kids back to the US I don’t even know where we’d live or how I’d support them but if I stay here, I’ll feel like I’m slowly wasting away, losing years to a dead relationship and feeling horrible about myself. 

At this point I don’t even know what I’m looking for… this is a combination of just venting and asking for advice, or maybe just someone to point out that I’m being too dramatic and to stop complaining b/c things could be worse… 

This is extremely common among ex-pat families. Does your insurance package include any kind of psychological coverage? Seeing a therapist (as a couple, or even on your own) can be a huge help, and if you have access to any kind of ex-pat health facility or if you can find a therapist through the ex-pat community, they're probably quite experienced in addressing this kind of problem. The International Nesties board isn't very active these days, but it can be a huge help, since a lot of people have dealt with similar emotions.

Tofumonkey

GilliC is absolutely right, this is unfortunately a very common issue with expat families - especially those having gone to a country with another language. 

We are Canadian, but we've lived as expats in China and now Britain. 

The working spouse experiences a degree of career and family pressure that is difficult to understand unless you have been in that situation. I am the expat worker, my husband the trailing spouse. It's ME that pulled us away from our families and friends. When he is lonely it feels like it is my fault for having brought us here. We are centering our entire lives around MY JOB. Holidays, absolutely everything is secondary to my job. If I change jobs, lose my job or quit my job my entire family gets deported - it's a terrifying thought. 

As for the trailing spouse, there are some fantastic articles on trailing spouses, as well as academic studies on the dynamic that goes on within these relationships. Likely your husband goes to work at a stressful expat job, but it's not crucial for him to learn the language and culture the way that you do, because most expats in the beginning (and often throughout) to a certain degree have 'handlers'. You don't. You get set up in an apartment with other expats, great, but YOU have to deal with the personal banking nightmare in a foreign country, you have to handle the god awful feat of things like arranging internet for your house, finding normal diapers and engaging with the cultural norms of day to day life that you find infuriating.

On your own.

Then there are the dynamics of expat communities - that we are so transient, and it is so likely that you will quickly become besties but then she's given a week's notice that she's moving to Saigon. Then they are replaced by yet another expat and the relationships remain wholly superficial. You feel lonely even when surrounded by 'friends'.

Then there are cultural office norms that your husband has been thrust into - which in many places is not as family-centric as western corporations. I remember a huge drinking culture in China, where declining to go out drinking with a business contact was a massive sign of disrespect. Then there are the women paraded around in these places, the places that as an expat you sometimes have to go to because in many places the real business deals are done after hours. 

Then there is some resentment on his part - he's working so hard while all you have to do is enjoy life in this exciting country, hang out with other expat wives and enjoy the experience of pulling in oodles of money in your local currency. But then you aren't happy. There is a disconnect there and although your basic needs are being met, your higher needs aren't. 

I could go on about this for hours and hours - I think the whole thing is rather fascinating. As for what you can do about it? 

Talk openly about this kind of thing with him. Get a babysitter and go out and enjoy your location and experience as a couple. Have an adventure. Plan some travelling as a family. Go back home to visit family for awhile. Volunteer - get busy. Learn new skills. Go out to business functions with him and enjoy yourselves. Most of all - speak with some of your local expat friends about it because they are very likely feeling similar things. 

I think that an expat experience can make couples even stronger, or they can break them apart. Maybe try really having a heart to heart with him, away from the house and the kids and his work, about why you are together and why you were excited about coming here. See if you can rekindle that.

Good luck. I've been an expat for 12 years now. It's not easy, but it is an incredible way to spend your life.

TarponMonoxide

Kim7245 said:

So, I am looking to get some advice, or a kick in the butt to do the best thing for myself and my kids because I’m pretty lost right now.

Two years ago my husband was transferred to a foreign country for work and we’ve lived here since then.  It was pretty challenging adjusting to everything – finding schools for my kids, learning another language, understanding all the cultural things that come along with living in a developing country.  Now, two years later, my kids really enjoy it here and I have a good group of friends – all expats like myself. 

However, my relationship with my husband is worse than ever.  There is nothing overtly bad or horrible which makes it harder to describe ‘the problem’.  It’s more just a general lack of any closeness or relationship – we barely talk, he hardly ever spends quality time with the kids and never spends quality time with me.  We haven’t kissed or hugged in months and we have sex once a month, if that.  

It feels like I force him to sit down to talk about our relationship once a month and I can see him tuning out as soon as I open my mouth.  But at least after that he promises that he’ll reevaluate his priorities, work at our relationship, etc… things are better for a couple days and then back to normal… he’ll disappear for five hours for rugby practice without a single call or email, sleep on the couch for hours on Saturday afternoon while the kids and I play, no affection and no sex or even conversation between us.

I have no one to talk to – I won’t tell my family because I wouldn’t even know how to explain the problem when everything seems fine from the outside; and I don’t really have a best friend here that I could talk to about it.  I’m so lonely that some days I feel myself starting to cry a dozen times a day.  I’m sad at the state of our relationship and worst of all, I’m starting to take it out on my kids... I grew up in a divorced household and my parent’s behavior during and after the divorce deeply impacted all of us for years - I wouldn’t wish that on anyone yet now I see myself doing something similar and I’m unable to stop myself.  I’m just so angry and disappointed that I am lashing out but I don’t know how to fix it or control it. 

I’m tired of feeling so, so lonely and stuck thousands of miles away from anyone who cares about me but I don’t know what my options are – if I brought my kids back to the US I don’t even know where we’d live or how I’d support them but if I stay here, I’ll feel like I’m slowly wasting away, losing years to a dead relationship and feeling horrible about myself. 

At this point I don’t even know what I’m looking for… this is a combination of just venting and asking for advice, or maybe just someone to point out that I’m being too dramatic and to stop complaining b/c things could be worse… 

Did you talk to him?

Tell him exactly what you told us --- and make sure it's during a time slot where the kids aren't around (send them off with a sitter) and whre you and he can talk with zero interruptions.

If he doesn't bother to immediately improve circumstances for you -- be a father and a husband, stat --- consider saying goodbye to him.  You sholuldn't be feeling this way and he shouldn't be more or less treating you the way you reported that he has.