Family Matters
shelleybelly89
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
What Would You Do?
I need some help...
H and I got married this past June. It was a great day besides the fact that H's family was MIA the night before when we were setting up. Not that surprising considering they acted terrible our entire engagement and were furious when H set boundaries with them (i.e. no more talking badly about me and my family). Anyways, my aunt, my cousin and her fiance were life-savers and basically got everything setup for us while we were away at our church rehearsal.
Said cousin is getting married in October. I'm making her wedding cake and thought that H and I should be there to reciprocate in any way we can. This was all good until H's grandma passed away last month. Oh and guess what? His family decided to have a burial on the same day as my cousin's wedding...6 hours away and almost 2 months after her death.
I asked H several times if he was sure he was okay with missing it (he suggested it and wasn't close with his grandma...our wedding was the first time I met her in the 8 years we've been together and he hadn't seen her in that time either). I appreciated this because I could really use the help transporting the cake and I thought he should be there to help since they did so much to help us out. Well today he comes home and out of the blue says he's going to the funeral.
I realize it's fine for us to go our separate ways for the day but it's just the way he went about it that really has me annoyed. Am I justified feeling like this or am I being irrational?
H and I got married this past June. It was a great day besides the fact that H's family was MIA the night before when we were setting up. Not that surprising considering they acted terrible our entire engagement and were furious when H set boundaries with them (i.e. no more talking badly about me and my family). Anyways, my aunt, my cousin and her fiance were life-savers and basically got everything setup for us while we were away at our church rehearsal.
Said cousin is getting married in October. I'm making her wedding cake and thought that H and I should be there to reciprocate in any way we can. This was all good until H's grandma passed away last month. Oh and guess what? His family decided to have a burial on the same day as my cousin's wedding...6 hours away and almost 2 months after her death.
I asked H several times if he was sure he was okay with missing it (he suggested it and wasn't close with his grandma...our wedding was the first time I met her in the 8 years we've been together and he hadn't seen her in that time either). I appreciated this because I could really use the help transporting the cake and I thought he should be there to help since they did so much to help us out. Well today he comes home and out of the blue says he's going to the funeral.
I realize it's fine for us to go our separate ways for the day but it's just the way he went about it that really has me annoyed. Am I justified feeling like this or am I being irrational?
Re: What Would You Do?
I respect your opinion and thank you for giving me some advice. To answer your question, I was upset because he didn't hesitate to choose coming to my cousin's wedding when I asked him what he wanted to (more than once), then out of the blue he said he wasn't coming anymore.
I do have sympathy for him, I definitely wouldn't want to be in that kind of position. After talking about it today, he decided to come to the wedding and we would go visit her grave a few weeks after when we both were going to be travelling out there anyway, that way we could have our own private time and we could skip being around his aunts and uncles who are assholes. MIL called him today as well to say it's okay not to come because 1) Grandma didn't want a service but one of the kids is insisting on one and 2) it will probably end up in a big argument over the will.
You might be okay with keeping ties with people that are assholes (i.e. your grandpa) but we both have cut out as many toxic people in our lives as possible. Just because they're family doesn't mean they get to treat you like shit and you just have to put up with it or be there in their time of need, especially when they've never been there for you. Now, instead of dealing with the constant drama and negativity from certain family like we used to, we have a really good support system.
Thanks for your input.
1- I FULLY agree w/ bluebird- your expectation that people help set up your wedding... unfair. Really, it is. They are guests, not hired help. Now, if his family said they'd be there and just didn't show- that sucks. BUT the fact that you even put them in that position is uncool.
2- Did they purposely pick the same date as your cousin's wedding or was it by chance? I ask because I had my mom's memorial almost 2 months after she died. There are legitimate reasons why people do this.
And while your cousin helped you out a lot, having to return the favor is so NOT a reason for your DH to miss his grandmother's funeral. If you all talked and he really does want to go to the wedding, that's great. But for as much as his family may be pressuring him to go to the funeral, I'm wondering how much you're pressuring him to go to the wedding.
I realized that I have to balance my annoyance w/ "Oh, look, here's something nice they did".
And w/ this funeral - instead of focusing on "it's sad that your family lost your grandma", you're making it "but the wedding, the WEDDING! We have to go to the wedding!".
This will get old after awhile.
Sorry; I don't have a solution for you, but I just wanted to say, WOW. That's awesome that your Aunt / Cousin stepped in like they did, and you are great to reciprocate. This is what family does!! I love my family and would always do things like this for them (even my IL's who drive me crazy sometimes, LOL!!)
This is what family does, OP, keep on doing it!! I would be a little annoyed with my DH, but not so much I'd even say something to him. It's his right to go to his grandmother's funeral, and I'd understand. And he'd understand that I needed to go my own way too. So no worries, and don't let all these other responses get you down. This is what family is and this is what family does. It's sad others don't have their families to depend on through these times. No, you shouldn't expect to have them do everything, but in a pinch or because they love you and want to, all is good!!