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Am I the jerk / crazy?? MIL Fun :)
Hey everyone! And thanks for listening ... Sorry if too long!!
My MIL really is a nice woman and I love her and my FIL, but she can be overbearing a lot of the times. Mostly I just roll with the punches. I'm a very independent person. I have been married now almost 4 years, but I was a single mom for a long time. My son is turning 16 this week. For example, for some background info ... I think in my husbands last marriage, they (MIL/FIL) were the stable parents and she liked being in control of everything and being the "greatest" mom and cook, and hosting everything, etc. Well, now I've come along and I have an amazing family! They have been there so much for me over the years and are amazing parents, etc. So, for example, it's been a fight (and I've won) to get holidays alone with my family (even my extended family is very close, so when we get together it's a big group). But with my IL's, it's only me, DH, DS and the two of them. So the mantra has been, when it's my turn to have a holiday with my family, sure, invite them along. Finally, last year I put my foot down and said no, I just want to spend this alloted holiday (Thanksgiving) with my family... It's our turn, and not fair that I can't spend it just with them. They would never invite in return, all my family, to their gatherings, and for that matter, I wouldn't want them to, because that's our time with DH's family. So that worked and we're good.
But she's always pushing to be constantly doing things, vacations, the whole, we never see you guilt crap, etc. I'm very good at curbing a lot of this, and don't let it bother me, and we do all kinds of stuff with them, and my family too. For the most part, it works, and I can very easily not let things get to me ...
Until now. I'm pretty sure I'm past it all and what happens, will be what happens, but about a month ago, my DH and I were shopping for an older, small pick-up truck for my DS for his 16th birthday. We wanted something reliable, but not really expensive ($3-4K at most) and just a good solid 1st car for him. Well my IL's take us out to lunch one day, and totally BLINDSIDED us with offering to give us this wonderful "Gift" of their older truck. Well, again, I was blindsided and only thought this out how I wish I'd have responded, later. At the time I kept my mouth shut, rather than say something offensive or wrong. She's very easliy offended.
While it is a very nice gesture, my first and most important thing is that I want this truck to my son to come from me and DH, NOT them. 1st of all, I wouldn't want to hurt my parents in any way, and if they show up and we (me, DH, and IL's) are giving this to my DS, I just think that would be crappy, and I want this from ME, not THEM. Besides, my son is really in a way, like the son my dad never had, they are very close. I appreciate the gift I guess, but I really would rather have just bought it from them. But didn't think to say that at the time. Besides that, we ended up putting almost $3500 into the car to fix it and clean it up, it was pretty rough.
So after they give us this "gift", I really want to set it clear that I think this could come from us, so I call MIL and tell here thanks again, blah, blah, blah, and then go on to ask (becuase she ALWAYS wants tons of ideas for DS when it's B-day / Christmas) if she needed any ideas for his B-day; she went on to say, well, I think we've done enough, don't you? So I go on to say that this is something that I really feel is important that comes from us, and not them. It got a little hairy after that, but eventually I think the thought got through that we want it coming from us and not them. But I never talked to her about it in the end, just FIL.
SO ... the party is next Saturday, and it's a big family party, lots of people coming, and she NEVER has asked for any gift ideas. In the almost 4 years I've been with my husband, she has never NOT wanted ideas. So I'm really worried that she's going to show up and annouce her gift as the truck. We're giving DS the truck last as (obviously) our gift - big deal, big surprise to DS ... And I'm so freaked out at what she might do ...
Am I being extremely selfish? I somewhat think I am, but even if we'd offered to buy it from them (which later on it did get mentioned) they wouldn't let us. She's pretty cheap when it comes to gifts and stuff, but this was no money out of their pocket, which is why she was ok with it (they have 2 other vehicles).
Sorry for the length and thanks for listening ... really needing some advice. Feeling a little like a jerk, thinking and feeling all of this, but I also think she's trying to control things and do what she wants, and this is important to me.
Re: Am I the jerk / crazy?? MIL Fun :)
Personally, I think you're being a jerk. Your ILs are giving your son a gift and you're more worried about who it comes from than any use/enjoyment your son might get out of it.
As for the holidays, we commonly had holidays with both sets of grandparents in attendance. It was how we did things. You should be happy that instead of figuring out whose house to we go to for the holiday that you can have everyone at the same place.
You and your H need to tell he to cut it out once and for all and to stay out of your affairs.
As far as the truck goes, if you really want it to be from you and DH, then say "no". OR pay them for it. This is your choice.
However... you talk about your MIL being controlling? You sound pretty controlling too. And not very generous. Well, w/ your ILs that is.
Because your DH comes from a small family, they get punished because you come from a large family and it would be hard for them to reciprocate an invitation? So therefore they don't get invited at all? For the fact that you even say you've "won" speaks volumes.
You married your DH. You married into his family. To be SO exclusive of them at the holidays - I don't know. You don't come off well on that issue, let's just say that.
Then the truck. You said:
1st of all, I wouldn't want to hurt my parents in any way, and if they show up and we (me, DH, and IL's) are giving this to my DS, I just think that would be crappy, and I want this from ME, not THEM. Besides, my son is really in a way, like the son my dad never had, they are very close.
What does this have to do w/ YOUR parents or how close your dad is to your son? Your ILs can't be generous because of YOUR parents? (Oh, but wait.... you don't expect your family to be generous when it comes to the holidays and being welcoming. Hmmm.... o.k.)
I have a STRONG feeling that if it were your parents who wanted to give your son an old truck, you'd be thrilled to have them do it.
I'm just going to say that you need to be careful about how much you start to exclude and shun your ILs, especially at the favor of your parents.
Well, part of our "disagreement" is that we don' thave the full story. in your OP, sounds like you want to exclude his family from holiday stuff. But you clarified that. Which I appreciate. But just remember we can only go off of what you tell us.
If you say you'd feel the same if it were your parents, that's great. BUT for the fact that you don't want your ILs to give this gift because of how your parents would feel... I don't know. That just doesn't have a nice ring to it. Gift giving/ issues w/ gift giving really shouldn't be about what the OTHER grandparents "feel". It's not about them.
You never made it clear what that consisted of but whatever it is, it is up to you to snub her close and make sure she stops it. Like I said, stand up for yourself.
I never "got" the split up holidays or the eve at one set of parents' and the day at the other's parents. You are married; HE is your family.
There is no need to run yourselves ragged and do both the eve and the day to please them.
Do yourself a favor: End that mess as of this year. Have Christmas Day at your place and invite who you like; the people who are worthwhile will be the ones that attend.
I agree that I think you are being a JERK in this situation. Families are meant to be together who does it hurt to invite your IN-Laws along? Maybe they are lonely since it is not a big group and they enjoy being around your family.
You basically accepted the truck for FREE and are going to pass it off as your own gift?? This to me is horrible disgusting intentions. Your in-laws were doing something to help you out maybe trying to save your money. Who cares who got the vehicle your son will have a truck that is a wonderful gift. Instead you are ruining this exciting moment for everyone by being selfish. You need to either give the truck back or pay them the money you saved for a car to use it as a gift from you and DH. Anything else is unacceptable.
I do think you are being a big JERK and by you leaving your passive/aggressive remarks on PPs comments you are being an even bigger JERK. I would love to be able to spend all of the holidays with both our families, it would make it much easier and we wouldn't be worried about missing time with each of our families. Why does it bother you so much that the TWO of them spend the holidays with your family too? If you have such a large family, it is not an intimate gathering so by them being there too they will not be a burden.
You should feel really happy and grateful that your ILs love your son as their grandson and would do such a nice gesture, it is not everyday that someone gives a car for free even if you had to pay for work on it. You should be appreciative and present the car as a gift from the 4 of you because it is from the 4 of you.
Family is all we have and you wouldn't want your DH to try and exclude your family so don't try to exclude his.