Trouble in Paradise
kaitlyn&henry
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not sure what else to do.
so ill try to keep this short and answer additional questions if needed...but I have been married to my husband now for 3 years. We recently bought our first house 8 months ago and would say this is where things started to go down hill. We both work full time job...but my husband works nights. His off days are always mid week which work out because I also work a side job on the weekends to support my hobby. Its nice extra income and at times great use for us in emergencies.
so increasingly since moving in our house my husband will complain and just get plain mean and literally just plants himself in front of the TV. When he gets mean, I NEVER allow any man to disrespect me and will voice its not ok or simply just remove myself if its misdirected meanness because something broke or whatever. I will even try to redirect and say ok that wasnt nice please apologize and lets talk about whats really bothering you. He has shut down, and communication was never an issue before now is an issue. I also feel like more so then ever he isnt supportive of me or my accomplishments. He always brushes them off or complains i am never home. I always try to find things for us to do outside of TV even if its walking our dog but he refuses to do anything.
Help.
Re: Not sure what else to do.
Now for your problem:
Stop look and listen and you and he get counseling, immediately.
Shutting down and the silent treatment are unacceptable. What is he, 6 years old?
It is no way to treat a spouse and no way to treat anybody at all, for that matter.
Something else is bothering him ---- get this nipped in the bud immediately.
Find a counselor and see one, both jointly and together. And tell him that his attendance is mandatory and that if he doesn't go, that's the end of his marriage: stand behind your words.
Disrespect is NOT a word! it is a FRAGMENT of a word! Stop using it; it's unsophisticated and just plain low-class.
Have you had a second job for a while? Maybe he feels inadequate because you are working more than he is.....and maybe he feels it his responsibility to support the family (it's not uncommon for men to feel that responsibility).
To repair the communication breakdown, talking it out might work, but if the cause of the breakdown is now deeply rooted, he might be unwilling to open up and talk about it right away. It is possible that changing your actions/attitude might have a positive impact to help rebuild communication. I know that he has been disrespectful, and he has not been treating you well, but sometimes when you love someone, it is worth the sacrifice of swallowing the "pride pill" and being the first to humble yourself for the sake of the relationship as a whole.
And no - I am not telling you to be a doormat. I'm encouraging you to take the first step - but there should be many steps to follow to rebuild your relationship - made by the both of you.
If the case is that he has been feeling personally inadequate (and I don't know that it is the case - it could be something else entirely), build him up, and show/tell him how much you respect him. Tell him how much you appreciate his hard work, and the sacrifices that he makes to work nights. Men have a natural desire to feel respected, while women desire more to feel loved. Sometimes in order to jump start his desire to show you that he loves you, you have to go out on a limb, and show him respect before he has earned it. Again....not telling you to be a doormat for the rest of your marriage - I'm just talking about showing the maturity to be the one to take the first step to rebuild communication.
There could be other things troubling him that he doesn't feel comfortable expressing (or it's possible that he hasn't identified the things that are bothering him enough to be able to express them). Sexual advances that are being continually squelched (or not being made in return) could cause frustration. If that's the problem, the solution should be fairly obvious.
You mentioned that his complaint is that you are never home. If you once spent time just relaxing with him - side by side - watching TV....maybe he really enjoyed that time with you, and he wants some of it back. If he feels like you have made your jobs & hobby a priority over him, maybe he is retaliating by making the TV a priority over you. I know it's an immature response, but he has already expressed that he wants to spend more time with you - that might be his limit of communication ability. Make an effort just to sit with him, and watch a movie or TV together. See if that helps him to feel more connected to you, or helps his willingness to communicate again..
It wouldn't hurt to try giving him encouragement, showing him respect, and spending time relaxing, side by side. Yes, it means that you will have to put forth an effort in your marriage that isn't being reciprocated (at first), but if the end result is that he realizes your efforts, and seeks to make his own in return - wouldn't it be worth it in the end?
BTW - disrespect is a complete word (can be used as a verb, or a noun).
1dis·re·spect
verb \ˌdis-ri-ˈspekt\: to say or do something that shows a lack of respect for (someone or something)
Full Definition of DISRESPECT
"He disrespected his teacher"?
No, not correct usage.
However, since you brought it up a second time....and I simply can't resist....disrespect can be used as both a noun (as in "he showed disrespect to his teacher") and a verb (as in "he disrespected his teacher"). Both are correct. You can find more information about the word, and its correct usage here.
Are there more eloquent words or sentence structures available? Sure, but seeking them out is not really the purpose of this specific thread.