Trouble in Paradise
claireandmike08
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Felony conviction five years into marriage
Hi all,
Not sure how much help, advice or feedback I may get here because it doesn't look like these sad topics are often addressed, which is a GOOD thing, but I'll take whatever I can get.
I was married six years ago. Just a couple of months after our 3rd anniversary, my husband was arrested and charged with felony burglary/theft. I come from a family of several generations of lawyers and VERY upstanding citizens so this incident really was unacceptable, as I imagine it would be to most of you. Only a handful of family members even know about this. I won't get into any of the details but his case went on for a couple of years (we hired a recommended attorney and fought like hell) but still ended up with a felony conviction. He did not spend a day in jail (thank GOD) and received only probation, but is still a convicted felon.
We did marriage counseling for a year and a half. I still hold a LOT of anger about it but we're at the point right now where life has gotten back to normal and I'm generally okay and happy day to day, as long as I'm not thinking about it. We definitley have to live day by day and can't plan much into the future, which scares me.
What I do think about, when I think about it, are the repercussions down the road that we've so far been lucky enough NOT to have to deal with. He works two jobs right now, one is for a former coworker of mine who knew my husband and offered the job to him two weeks after his arrest. So right now, we still have two incomes. Eventually, down the road, he won't have that job anymore.
I have been wanting to buy a house for a few years, but I am terrified to sign a 30 year home loan knowing that two incomes are not guaranteed. My income alone is not enough. I hate the place where we live now and have been wanting to move for five years. In fact, he was arrested the day we were supposed to sign a lease on an awesome new place. Many apartments/condos for rent where we live (the nice ones, anyway) do background checks, which he will not pass.
OTHER than that, he is a WONDERFUL guy. He worships the ground I walk on, treats me like a queen, loves our dog like a child, does ALL of our laundry cooking and cleaning... Drives me around places and waits on me hand and foot.
BUT... he's a convicted felon, and always will be. I have always waffled back and forth over what to do about the marriage because in a lot of ways, I am being held back by his newfound status.
The reason why I'm seriously thinking that I need to decide is because another man has expressed interest in me. He has a very noble and respectable job, great pay and benefits, already owns a house, has so much in common with me it's scary, and I spent some time with him earlier in the week and had a GREAT time. Now, I'm not saying I'm immediately wanting to jump out of a six year marriage into a new relationship with someone I barely know, but it kind of helped in realizing that maybe I do deserve better than this and there is still hope for me to find a nice man without criminal baggage.
I am responsible for most of the expenses in the marriage as he only makes a fraction of what he did before. I wouldn't normally mind, I know there are plenty of men who support their stay at home wives BUT the reason behind it is what angers me and I fear that will turn to resentment down the road. He has lied about other issues in the marriage before the arrest, namely hiding a very large amount of credit card debt from me. That being said, if I decide to separate from or divorce him, I will worry about how he will support himself. He doesn't make enough to live on his own. I know that shouldn't be my problem, but I care about him.
Again, I do love my husband VERY MUCH. He is extremely sweet and has been my best friend for almost ten years.
Is a felony conviction (and all that goes with it) a dealbreaker? This is kind of rambling, but I'm in a frazzled state of mind.
Re: Felony conviction five years into marriage
Oh, and let's not forget:
He has a very noble and respectable job, great pay and benefits, already owns a house,
And the new guy is RICH!!!!!
So... this is all totes cool. As long as your cheating w/ a "noble" and rich guy.
I have to add too:
He worships the ground I walk on, treats me like a queen, loves our dog like a child, does ALL of our laundry cooking and cleaning... Drives me around places and waits on me hand and foot.
He has lied about other issues in the marriage before the arrest, namely hiding a very large amount of credit card debt from me. That being said, if I decide to separate from or divorce him, I will worry about how he will support himself. He doesn't make enough to live on his own. I know that shouldn't be my problem, but I care about him.
He has a shady background to begin with --- wow, hiding the credit card debt --- lying about it: this would have been a dealbreaker immediately! You should have headed for the door once you found out he lied about his credit card debt.
This also does not sound like a healthy relationship to me. Gee, you feel badly he won't be able to support himself? That would be on him, not on you.
So why are you with him at all?
Scratch dating anybody any time at all, even if you do decide to leave your H. Not recommended; this is a nightmare of an experience you are going through, plus it would be great if you got therapy for the fact you are with your H despite what he's gone through.
He's got zero character.
And did you ever find out WHY he got involved in theft in the first place? He needs to come clean on that.
There is already an unbalanced dynamic --- he does all the cooking, cleaning and etcetera -- and you say you fee like you are being held back. Not healthy.
I suggest you make up your mind soon what you wish to do --- you resent him now and the longer you stay, the more you will resent him --- do it now, before a kid happens into the picture.
Even if you do leave your H: NO DATING. None at all for a good 5 years ---- you just emerged from a nightmare of a marriage and you are in no shape to be dating anybody.
You will likely make the same mistake: wind up with somebody else entirely wrong for you. This is why I said no dating.
Get to a therapist: find out why you thought it was okay to be married to a felon and a liar. Raise your standards.
You should have run like hell when he lied about the credit card debt: there was no sense in continuing. He wasn't honest --- that is nobody to remain married to -- and I wonder if you got the full detail of what happened with the robbery; who knows what else is involved he did not even bother to mention?
Secure your assets, retain an attorney and run a credit report on you and on him. And when all is at the ready, file --- divorce this bum.
You've glossed this whole thing over. Get rid of him and do it today.
I believe that people deserve forgiveness. Everybody makes mistakes, and nobody is perfect. You made vows that probably said something along the lines of "for better or worse, for richer or poorer." If you meant them when you said them, then now is a great time to prove it!
The fact that your husband is a felon does not give you a free pass to cheat on him (which you are already beginning to do on an emotional level). Don't leave your husband because he's a felon, and don't leave him because your heart is wandering. If you are going to leave him, do it because you are incapable (even with therapy - which you should be attending on your own, in addition to couple's counseling) of forgiving him, or letting go of your resentment.
Something to consider: You think you found your new Mr. Perfect now, but what happens when his shiny metal suit starts to show signs of tarnish? What if he gets sick and you have to care for him, or he is speeding (a common crime that you yourself have probably perpetrated) and is convicted of vehicular manslaughter after causing a crash, or he loses his job and can't find work for several years? Do you think you would be able to find a man who is worth sticking by through the hard times?
For me, the felony charge wouldn't be a deal breaker for someone that I love (and I wouldn't have married my husband if I didn't love him enough to forgive him). As far as lamenting over your perfect life that isn't happening right now - that needs to stop. You can't play the "if only" game, because even well-laid plans can fall through - no matter who you're with. That's just life!
If you want to buy a house, then downsize your dreams, and see if it is possible to find one that you can afford on only one income. Start saving as much as possible for it now, if you haven't already. If his earning potential has been lowered, is it possible for you to work towards raising yours?
When my friend (the former felon) was looking for a job, he always dreaded the potential background checks, so he often went ahead and addressed it first hand - explaining what happened, why, and how he's different. It was easier for him to get jobs when he was specifically referred to the company by people who knew him and his capabilities (and in cases like that, he didn't always have to worry about the background check). If your husband needs to go back to school (night/online are options) for a while to enhance a skill enough to become worthy of a stellar reference, it may be something that will help with your long term goals.
It seems to me that you are not in love with your husband, you say you love him very much but I believe you just care for him as a friend rather than a wife. You already made up your mind of leaving him but are searching for an approval because you feel guilty. What you are doing is not right, comparing him to another man because of status. How would you feel if you had been the one that made the mistake and your husband was comparing you to another woman just because of your mistake.
I would not leave him for the one mistake if he shows me he is sorry for it and works toward not doing it again.
You should definitely leave him because he needs someone that will reciprocate his love, someone that will stand by him as promised when they exchanged vows and will help him through whatever he's going through. His self worth must be really low right now with his record being the way it is and you are kicking him while he's down. You are a selfish person and need to be with someone equally selfish.
TTC since September 2012
You should take a minute to reverse the roles. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? Would you expect your best friend/ other half of 10 years to up and leave you over a horrible lapse of judgement that will undoubtedly haunt you for the rest of your life? Clearly you didn't think he was useless when you stood by him during the few years of court trials. If he would have been charged with a misdemeanor would you still be considering leaving him?
Unfortunately in life you aren't guaranteed the 'fairytale happily ever after'. Shit happens. There are people that go through life NEVER being able to afford/ buy a house. It isn't the end of the world. In my opinion you need to work more on you than he needs to work more on him. Good luck with that.
The fact that she stayed, helped him to fight it and has been with him since kind of indicates that it was on more of a minor scale (erm... as 'minor' as burglary can be? This isn't shoplifting here...). My point is just that I believe there is a huge grey area here.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk