Thank you - my husband

Xan921

I wanted to thank you all for the love and support and a special thanks to @BruinsBabe33 for posting for me.  I can't post from my phone and this is the first time I've been at a computer since before everything happened.  I just really need all of the thoughts I can get right now and any extra strength that you're able to put out into the universe for me.

I thought about whether or not to give the details of my last three days or to keep things hidden but if there is anything I've learned through struggles it is that sometimes it is better to just be open and honest because you never know who may have walked in your shoes and could offer advice or be understanding.

On Saturday night, my husband attempted suicide.  He has struggled for years with alcoholism and up until recently I thought he had it under control.  I had thought the last year and a half had been great.  He was doing well with work, with weight lose and our relationship was better than ever.

Recently he started drinking again and admitted to me that he had been sneaking drinks on and off throughout the last year and a half but had been sober for 32 days on Saturday.  He had gotten heavily involved in the AA community as well as enrolled in an intensive outpatient program.  A couple of weeks ago he had a break down and admitted himself to the behavioral health unit of the hospital where he was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder.  After a brief stay there he returned home, went back to work and was trying to find the right combination of medication that worked for him.

Saturday we went to a friend's wedding and after dinner he said he wasn't feeling well and wanted to go home.  I asked if he wanted me to go with him and he told me no, that he thought he was just coming down with a cold and wanted to go home, take some cold medicine and get a good nights sleep. He told me to get a ride home with friends.

A couple of hours later I was still at the wedding and my phone started to blow up from calls from my family.  My husband took a bottle (30 count) of anti-anxiety pills and drank a fifth of bourbon.  I'm not sure how soon after he did this that he called 911 on himself.  My Mom found him sitting in our front yard saying he didn't want to live but he wasn't sure he wanted to die either.  She rode in the ambulance with him and I met them at the hospital.

He was unconscious when he arrived at the hospital.  He has a machine breathing for him, aspiration pneumonia with a fever of 102.2 and he is sedated and restrained. This afternoon they tried to wake him up to see if they could work with him to get him breathing on his own but he panicked, went in and out of consciousness and his vital signs went crazy so they sedated him again.  Tomorrow they are going to try to wake him up again to see if they can get him breathing enough on his own to remove the tube.  The longer he is on the breathing machine the worse off things can get but they cannot remove it until they can get his mind and body calm enough to tolerate breathing and having it removed.

I'm hoping with everything that I have that he is able to wake up, breath on his own and be ok.  I'm not sure what the next step for him will be if physically he is ok.  I've tried for a very long time to help him and to make things better but my efforts have failed.

I'm heart broken, scared, angry, sad, devastated, yet hopeful but overall just a complete mess.  I keep trying to talk to him and hold his hand to let him know that I'm there but I just feel completely helpless.  We've been together for 10 1/2 years; the only adult life I've ever known is with him by my side.  I keep trying to hold it together while others are around but it is during the quiet moments that I just lose it.  I'm so scared that I'm going to lose him, either physically or mentally or both.

RockABye

So many prayers for you, dear. We're here for you, always. 

OceanHutt

Love you so much sweetheart....I cannot even imaging....you know where to find me if you need me....whatever you need. So many thoughts for you and Jason also

brij2006

Oh Xan, many many prayers for you and your H.  You are such a strong woman through all of this.  

botanicalbliss

I am so incredibly sorry!  I hope that everything turns out OK!  Thinking of you and your family!

simsk3887

Xan, I am so sorry for everything you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Like you had mentioned, you never know who has been there and can help so please don't feel that you always have to be strong when others are around. I know it's the role we want to take when a loved one is hurting, but it is perfectly ok to not be ok, even when others are around.

I will send up so many extra prayers for your husband to come out of this and to get the help he needs to be healthy again. I'll be thinking of you as you have taken the role of care giver right now and that is just as difficult. I'm sorry I don't have much personal experience with this, but I'm definitely here to listen if you ever need. ((Hugs))

Flamingo86

Oh Xan, my heart is breaking reading this. I am sending all the prayers I have to you and your H right now. I'm so sorry you both are having to go through this.

sparklingdiamond

Sending you so much love and so many prayers!

sgautschi

Oh Xan, big big ((hugs)). I'm so sorry this is happening, what a scary experience. Thank you for sharing that with us, that took a lot of courage and strength and I admire you for being so honest. Although I would've admired you all the same if you had wanted to keep it private. I will continue to keep your H in my thoughts and send lots of healing vibes his way, both physical and mental.

I had a similar experience with my sister earlier this year. She took a bunch of pain pills and antidepressents because she just wanted to sleep (that's what she claims anyway) and she ended up in the ER. It was very scary, but we were very lucky she was conscious nearly the whole time. I cannot imagine if it had been as serious as what your H is going through, or if it had been my H. I just can't even imagine. He's very lucky to have such a strong and supportive wife by his side right now. Big ((hugs)).

alexisanna44

So many prayers to you both.

ILoveRedVino

Hey- I just sent you a message before reading this. So much love to you, Xan, and your husband. If there is anything I/we can do, please ask. We all love you.

iwalktheline

Oh xan. I'm so, so sorry. So many T&P for both of you. If I can do anything at all or if you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me! Big hugs

lb1117

Xan, I am so sorry you are going through this. I hope and pray he wakes up and for whatever is ahead for you both. So much love to you

KonaCoffeeBean

Xan, you and your husband are in my prayers. My family has also had mental health emergencies, and I know that it can be really hard to talk about. I believe that a supportive spouse can be a tremendous help in physical and mental healing; and it sounds like you being the consistent support that your husband needs right now. God bless you both.

spin25

I'm so sorry Xan. I'll be thinking of you.

lfk2013

Xan, you guys will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Also, if you need anything, please don't hesitate to ask. ((Hugs))

Uptowngirl2009

Continued thoughts and prayers coming your way.

liall09

So many thoughts and prayers headed up for you and your husband. Please be sure to take care of yourself in all this too.

Aimothy

Sending you the biggest, strongest, most loving hugs that I can. I've been thinking about you and DH so often in the last few days, and I hope that the extra time sedated is just what he needs to be able to relax his body and mind to wake up.  Thank you for being strong enough to share such private moments about a taboo topic. And when you don't feel strong, know that we are here to help hold you up. You've got us in your corner!

carcrashheart

I'm so sorry xan. I hope that he continues to work towards a full recovery. I'm sure you are already aware that once recovered he will most likely be moved to a psych ward, whether it's wanted or not. Hopefully that helps him some. My sister has attempted suicide a handful of times and it's never an easy situation to navigate. It's scary, and turns life upside down, especially once they return home. Hang in there and take care of you, as well as your DH. I know how scary it is to sit in the ICU with a loved one while waiting for them to be able to come around. I will keep you guys in my thoughts.

JLyn821

Xan,

I'm so very sorry for all that you are going through.  You, your husband, and your family are all in my prayers.  I pray that God will give you the strength to walk through this.  My heart breaks for you.

seahorse01

I am so sorry that you are going through this.  If there is anything we can do, please let us know for real.  We can arrange for meals or whatever you need.

I will be thinking about y'all.

Apollo11235

I am so sorry for what you and DH are going through, Xan. I hope that your husband makes a full physical recovery and can move on to getting the help that he needs.

For a few years now, we have watched my MIL struggle with alcoholism, anxiety, depression, and suicide attempts, and it is so hard to feel so helpless. I don't feel like I have any advice to offer, but I know it's tough and can't imagine how much harder it would be if it were my H. You are so strong. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk.

Sewilson33

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your husband. Alcoholism and Depression are very difficult struggles for a person and their family. I am so glad you felt comfortable enough to share this with us, you are such a strong individual. I hope that your husband is able to calm his mind and body down enough to come off the breathing tube today. One small step at a time.

lilliesandvino

Oh Xan, I'm so sorry you are going through this. If you'd like to talk, @BruinsBabe33‌ has my contact info. I have personal and professional experience with these issues and I'd be happy to help or lend an ear.

Please remember to take care of yourself, too. I'll be thinking of you guys.

saralynn7

Lots of thoughts and prayers with you both! You're a strong woman and I'm so sorry he's going through all of this as well.

sweetpotato123

Xan, I am so sorry and have been thinking about you. I will continue to send thoughts and prayers.

BreMae

I am so sorry Xan. So many thoughts and prayers for you and your H.

arj14

I am so, so sorry, Xan.  I am sending you all my hugs, hope, and love to you and your husband.  It has clearly been a long road for both of you and I can only imagine how hard this has been.  I hope today he is calm and able to breathe on his own, and from there, continue to recover.  We are with you.

OohSparkly13

I'm so sorry you and your husband are going through this! You both will be in my thoughts and prayers. I know what's it's like to almost lose your husband. I've been there...I understand the feelings and thoughts...the stress, the anxiety, and the fear. Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need to talk!

cloudymeatballs12

I am so sorry you are going thru this.  So many thoughts and prayers for your H, you and your family.  I truly hope he is able to come out of this.  Keep praying!  xoxo  Take care of yourself!!