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If this were your mom/dad/family, would you help?
Yes, this is my life... not a book or movie script, sadly.
Over the last few years, my parents have had a tremendously rough road. My dad has experienced multiple job losses (technical/engineering field) and hasn’t held down a permanent/full-time job in 2-3 years. My mom has worked at her company for almost 10 years, but she makes probably $10/hr. - not nearly enough to support a family.
Note: My entire adult life (about the past 10 or so years) I have ALWAYS helped my mom out financially when she needed it. I NEVER said no. Handing money to her was never an issue. Car problems, car repossession, gas/light/phone bills, putting gas in her car - I helped her with EVERYTHING because my dad just wasn’t in a position to do it. And I never asked for the money back, even though she was "borrowing". When in need, she came to me - never my dad. Their 25 year marriage was doomed from the start and although divorce has been mentioned countless times over the years, I think it’s really over now (although they can’t afford to actually legally divorce.)
Another note: My mom’s money management sucks. She gets paid and the money disappears. She and my siblings eat a lot of fast food. She also treats my sister to hair/nail salon visits. But she also (secretly) racked up a ton of pay day loans over the years, so I think she’s using up all her money to pay on those. I don’t know. She also has a history of calling psychics back when I was younger, but I have no proof she’s done that recently. My therapist suggested she could be spending all her cash on drugs/alcohol or gambling, but that’s not it.
In summer 2013 my dad got a notice to vacate the home (the mortgage was only in his name). My mom, sister (17) and brother (8) came to live with me and my husband, only about 15 minutes away. It should have been for a month or two. They stayed for 9 months (frustrated, hubby and I finally asked my mom to prepare to leave at around 7 months. Their presence was taking a toll on our marriage.)
Having them move in was super expensive - water, gas, electric and grocery bills were through the roof. The first month or two my mom gave me about $130 each month, but that didn’t even cover my cable/internet bill! So I told her to keep the money, assuming she would save it instead.
She didn’t.
Her only bills are car note, car insurance, storage unit, cell phone. My husband and I were sure that she was saving up to leave since we were not making her pay. We were SO wrong.
She came close to getting an apartment - paid a deposit, turned the lights on, etc. But there was a discrepancy with the remaining deposit balance and she couldn’t afford it. So she lost the apartment. AND she never turned the lights off, so there’s an extra bill for nothing.
On Mother’s Day 2014, she and my siblings moved back into the house with my dad since the foreclosure (oddly) hadn’t finalized yet. Living in the house again went from bad to worse. Lights, gas and water were all disconnected for the last 2-3 months. I have no ideas how they used the bathroom. And I didn’t step in to help. I felt that if I keep enabling my mom, she’ll never learn to get by on her own.
Over the summer, my mom received a check I think from taking some money out of her 401k account. I asked her if she'd get the utilities (specifically the water) turned back on at the house. She FLIPPED OUT. She always flips out when anyone tries to bring up her mistakes and bad choices. Cursed me out and hung up the phone. That was the end of July. I haven't spoken to her since, but she occasionally texts me. I think she's just embarrassed about the whole situation so she chooses to avoid me. She let's my brother call me sometimes.
They finally had to be out of the house Labor Day weekend 2014. My dad moved in with a neighbor. He’s still there now. My mom and brother moved in with an old lady from church. My sister moved 3 hours away to start college.
My mom stayed with the church friend for about 2 months. She FINALLY got her own apartment on Oct. 1st! But there’s no furniture (she can’t afford to pay off her storage unit). There’s no gas (it’s starting to get cold)!
I feel (slightly) guilty sitting back and not helping out when I have the money to do so. But I feel like my mom needs to finally stand on her own two feet. She’s 50! I just hate leaving my brother (now 9) to suffer.
If this was your family situation, what would you do? Step in and continue to hand over money? Or let your mom figure things out for once by herself?
Re: If this were your mom/dad/family, would you help?
There is much more going on there than you can surmise. It's a great deal more than bad money management.
But... you didn't. And she just thinks she can rely on you to make up the difference when she wastes her $$.
I get it that you are worried for your brother. At MOST, I'd offer him a place to stay where it's warm. But really - if you continue to hand over $$ to your mom because you feel guilty, then this will never, ever, ever end.
You are an enabler. Stop enabling. You don't owe your mom this $$.
And really- if my DH were handing over our money to his parents who were bad w/ money, I'd be FURIOUS. Her living w/ you all was a strain. I'd expect the never ending flow of $$ will eventually be a strain too.
No minor child should have ot be in that situation. Those children are set up for disaster. How can they do school work? Study? Be safe and healthy? Learn the skills they need for life?
If you want to do something, help your siblings. Not with money but with a real solution to their problem...a new place to live.
That there is a minor child involved makes this a different story altogether. Your mother doesn't seem to be keeping your brother in mind at all.
To be honest, torn about helping her get gas turned on for winter. Assuming you do that, I think the most you can or should do is to help your mom figure out a budget or put her in touch with say a credit counseling organization or maybe another local organziation that helps people learn to budget & rebuidl themselves financially. Also check with your local utilties, sometimes they have assistance programs for low income families that she may qualify for. Check into what other social services may be available for them, like food banks or clothing donations (example, coats for kids). For your siblings, depending on their ages, maybe the can qualify for toys for tots sponsored by the Marines. Going forward, since you are in a position to help, if you wanted to, it would probably be more helpful instead of giving her money to bring by some groceries. Things like toliet paper, paper towels, cans of soup, bread, etc.
Like pp said, if you and husband are up for taking in your siblings, at least you would know that they are taken care of. If you do that, I would probably persue what it would take to get you some sort of guardianship rights. That way, if you wanted you can put them onto your health insurance or at least apply for any medical benefits they might be elibgle through the state on their behalf & then be able to take them in for medical care when needed. It wouldn't mean that your parents are giving up their parental rights, they are just giving you rights also to help care for your siblings.
You're not going throught an easy thing. I think the next step is to talk to husband to decide first if you want to do anything to help them out and if so, to what extent. You can't risk your marriage over this. Once you and husband figure that out, you'll know you need to do next. Good luck & keep us updated.