Married Life
JennK1005
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
I've never felt accepted by his family
in Married Life
While my husband and I have only been married for 2.5 weeks at this point, we dated for 5 years and were engaged for 2 years before the wedding happened, so we clearly have been together a long time. My family completely accepts him and LOVES him. My family calls him son, grandson, nephew, etc and always makes sure that he is included in everything. Birthdays and Christmas are big occasions in my family, and are always celebrated. Since the first birthday of his while we were dating, my family has held a party for him and gotten him gifts, same in price and value as what I receive on my birthday. Even before we were married, my parents introduced him as "son." His family is completely different with me and I'm not sure how to take it.
I'm still introduced as their son's gf/fiance/wife, not our daughter in law or daughter. I've never heard anyone in his family refer to me as granddaughter, niece, cousin, etc, in fact, it's like they don't consider me family because it's by marriage. When it comes to birthday and holidays, my husband and his sister always get more gifts and it's clear that more money was spent on them (and by "clear" I mean that I may have 1 gift that is about $20 in value, while they get 10+ gifts with at least $150+ value). Please understand that I'm not superficial and fake and all about money, but it feels like a slap in my face because it feels like they still think that I'm not a permanent part of the family and that eventually I won't be around anymore. Most of the time, my birthday is not even acknowledged by his family, including his parents! When it comes to holidays, I never really know if I'm invited by his parents/family, because I'm never included in the discussions.
Am I being petty and superficial or do I have legitimate reasoning to feel hurt and slighted? At the least, I would just like to be accepted into his family, even if I'm never referred to as their daughter or granddaughter/niece/cousin, etc.
Re: I've never felt accepted by his family
If they call you their son's "girlfriend" or "fiancee" when they introduce you though, I would correct them with "wife". It may be just a honest mistake when they say it (assuming best intentions), but if you correct them each time, they will get the point pretty quick. If it keeps happening, I would calmly bring it up with them (or have your husband bring it up with them) and ask why they feel like they aren't comfortable with transitioning into calling you their daughter-in-law or their son's wife. This may be the cure for all feelings involved so they can voice how they feel on many of these topics an may clear up any misunderstandings on their end or yours. Good luck!
If they are still referring to you as a fiancee now chances are it is more out of habit than malice. Seriously. 2.5 WEEKS. You need to give this stage time.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
And in these 2.5 weeks, has there really been much opportunity for them to call you their daughter-in-law? It might take them time to get used to the new term. OR they might just always call you their son's wife.
And the gifts. Oy. I'll try to roll with that it's not about the money, but really... I don't understnad why spouses go into a marriage expecting to be treated like one of the kids. Your family does this- that's VERY nice. But it shouldn't be expected. I never fault parents for giving their child more when it comes to gifts than their child's spouse. It's their money - they can spend it however they want. you marrying into the family doesn't give you any "rights" to their money.
Are they nice to you? Do this acknowledge your presence? Do they talk to you? Do they include you in all their events? If so- then they ACCEPT YOU. Buying you presents or calling you "daughter" aren't the only ways that people show acceptance.
I promise you it's not about the money, it's about wanting to be accepted by his family. About them wanting me to be around instead of being upset that I'm there. Everyone's family is different and I'm willing to accept that, but if I'm not included in family functions, will our future kids be? I was unwanted by my Dad's parents and I always felt and knew that. I dreaded family functions because I knew it would be another day of sitting and having dirty looks given to me, just for being born. I NEVER want my children to have that experience that I had.
For now I will chill out and hope that it's how you said, and they have just kept their distance because we weren't married, but I'm still leery.
This is VERY much about your DH and how he handles them. Simply "reminding" them that you'll be coming too isn't enough. He needs to tell them in no uncertain terms that if they don't start to consider you part of the family and include you without him having to "remind" them, then they won't be seeing HIM anymore either.
We got married this summer and my inlaws completely forgot about my birthday. No phone call, no text, not even a Facebook message. They know when my birthday is, they got me gifts for the 4 years before we were married but I guess this year it was just too hard to even pick up the phone. I have never felt accepted by them either. They were super negative during our entire engagement and said a lot of shit behind my back that I haven't forgiven them for.
The worst part is the H has confronted his mother about it on 2 different occasions, as she is the one doing all this shit, and she completely turned it around on him and tried to blame him. After these confrontations, she acts like nothing happened and we have no reason to be distant with them.
The biggest thing is to just talk it out with your H and make sure you're on the same page. Maybe he'll know a way to get in with them, or maybe you're "blessed" with inlaws like mine who are barely believable as human beings and act worse than children. In that case, keep your distance. It's not worth all the drama and it put a lot of unneccesary stress on our relationship before we limited them from our lives. Good luck!