how is the work/home balance in your household?

formerlyGDaisy09

given this year's ups and downs with my H's amount of employment I'm curious how other households balance things so that it feels like both you and your partner are contributing equally? 

My H has tried, unsuccessfully, for the last 5 years to find full-time work on a relatively traditional schedule that at least meets his financial obligations (his debts that he brought into the marriage and contributing to household expenses). in the past week it's become pretty clear that his part-time position that pays him well (~$22/hour) has too demanding of a schedule (T-Sa 3am-8 or 9am during non-busy times, T-Sa 2am-noon or later when it's busy) for him to balance a second job, even if the hours work, his brain isn't there or he's too exhausted to do a job well (he's tried data entry, waiting tables, and bank teller most recently).  At this point it we are both tired of his ever changing job schedule, and until he finds a career path that excites him, I'm so tired of pushing him to finish a degree or look for full-time work, when he doesn't seem to have anything he's interested in doing. Our budget works with this cut, our savings and TTC plans are sort-of in flux, but our month-to-month picture doesn't have to change much (we'll be tightening up but we don't need to drastically change things)

So right now, we are in this new place where H is now working far fewer hours than me.  I've been the one managing most household chores for the last 4 years, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, vet appointments, any work that gets done on the house, yard work, etc.

 But now I'm the one working full-time, and teaching part-time, and I'm now on the board of directors for two non-profits in town...how much do I ask him to take over? this is our first week on this new schedule and so far I've come home and found him watching netflix everyday.  yes, there was a pile of clean (unfolded) laundry on the couch yesterday, and yes my coffee mug that usually sits in the sink 'til I get home did make it's way to the dishwasher.  how much should I expect him to be contributing?

basically, I'm ok with this shift in our income if it some how makes things better; can I come home at the end of the day and spend time with my H instead of cleaning the house, can we go off and do things on the weekend because housework got done during the week? can I actually read a book or go for a nice walk with the dog on saturday morning instead of running all over the place to clean the house, go to the grocery store, and do some yard work? to me that kind of thing worth the $1000/month or so we lost in income with this most recent job loss.

how do you balance things? 

Xstatic3333

This is tough, and we struggle with it a lot.  H and I both work 40 hour jobs and, after his health insurance and 9% pension, we bring home about the same (within $100 a paycheck).  I tend to have lots of little "part time" jobs that are carryovers from Grad School and I just can't totally part with.  H would prefer I stop these, but I think they're important to our financial goals.  At the end of any given day, we both come home wiped and grouchy.  

In general, I cook and do more of the kitchen cleaning.  I grocery shop and handle meal planning, finances, and am home for house appointments (i.e. boiler estimates) because my job hours are much more flexible than his.  We each do our own laundry.  He does pretty much everything else-vacuuming, lawnmowing, organizing, etc.  We both do gardening.  It's not fair to him that I don't do more, and I feel badly about it.  I should do more.  However, I feel like I put in a ton of effort to keep us eating healthy food at home (probably a good 1.5 hours working in the kitchen each night) and by the time I'm done I just want to chill for a couple of hours before bed.  I also get up early to make him lunch and breakfast for work every day.  Hopefully it's close enough to even.  Once we have kids I expect to take on more of the kid stuff as well.  

In general, when I do need more help from H if I ask him, he delivers.  I just have to be really on top of myself about asking him before I'm grumpy about it.  

Edit: Neither of us is a "neat freak" so usually our house just isn't that clean except for the kitchen and bathroom, both of which will bug me if they get gross.  

noffgurl

Total up the hours you work vs the hours he works weekly and for every hour that he is deficient to you is an additional chore that he alone is responsible for. For example, if you work thirty hours a week and he works 28 then he is responsible for vacuuming and dishes.

formerlyGDaisy09

at this point the break-down would be him working about 35 hours a week to my 45, this is not including the 12 or so hours a week I have obligated to the NFP organizations I work with.  

to balance that income is split about 60/40 (me/H), I don't think that matters as much, but prior to the loss of his other job is was closer to 50/50.  and what matters even less, if at all, is debt that we did not accru together (student loans) those monthly payments are split 30/70 (me/H).

brij2006

We have a hard time with juggling this also.  I work 45hrs/week at my FT job and 10-25hrs/week on my business.  H works 50-70hrs/week but will occasionally have 2-3 months where he's down to 40hrs/week with a 3 day weekend.  

For the most part I handle everyday cleaning tasks, but he handles the remodeling/maintenance/mowing.  If I will be home late from work, I will tell him what the plan is for dinner and he will get it started.  He's also usually good about making something if I do not have anything planned. 

We really have to juggle it, because our schedules change from week to week.  Last year we started a running list of things that needed done on our phones, and shared them with each other.  This way we each knew what needed to get done that week and we would add things to it on a daily basis.  Then if one of us has a meeting, the other one can work on the things that need to be done.  It has really helped him to step up a bit more and realize that the only way we can do fun things on the weekends are if those tasks are done.

lifeonthehill

I think this is a great topic.

I work 20hrs a week, I am in school 14 hours a week, and I dedicate anywhere from 5-15 hours a week to homework. H works about 60hrs a week.

We decided a long time ago that we will have a list of chores we are responsible for H does dishes, trash and recyclables. I do bathroom, cat box and wash and dry laundry. We both fold our own. We share vacuuming, sweeping, dusting, moping, car related cleaning, sticky rolling the couch every day and whatever else is not on the specific list above.

However all of this is interchangeable. I am swamped with midterms this week as well as a killer ear infection so H has been doing all of the laundry for me which has been great. Last week he had progress reports due for his students so I covered all the dishes that week.

As far as you and your H go I think he should be doing more than you. I know this sounds childish but make a list of what needs to get done. Make the list together so it doesn't seem like you are being a mother.

noffgurl

I may be in the minority here, but I do want to suggest maybe going a little easier on him with the second job situation. . . The reason I say this is the early morning hours are the very worst your body can handle. I know from my dh he is significantly more tired now doing overnight shifts just sitting pretty much than he ever was with physically unloading each and every box from the trucks during the day. Almost every night he calls me around 2-6am just to help him stay awake, then when he gets home all he does is sleep, on his days off too. He just can't get enough sleep. So, with that being said, I think he should be doing the majority if not all of the housework considering how much you work.

formerlyGDaisy09

I think part of the problem I can see developing between my H and I is that we just have different standards.  admittedly I I'm a neat freak...sometimes I think when H doesn't do things it's not because he's inherently lazy, it's because he just doesn't see the same things I do. 

I'm a clean the bathroom every week, wipe the kitchen counters every day, steam the floors at least once a month, vacuum twice a week, make the bed every day, fold the laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer kind of girl. and H is a vacuum when the floor looks dirty, steam-mop what's that?, clean the bathroom when it looks dirty, forget about the counters, throw unfolded clothes in the laundry basket and forget about it kind of guy.  

I actually kind of exploded at him monday morning when I was late for work and had to steam my pants because they had been sitting (clean) in a laundry basket in the laundry room for 2 days. 

It sounds like several of you have been able to leave your H's with a list of what needs to be done, how much "teaching" have you done around those lists?

noffgurl

My DH has the problem of "I will give him a list of things that need to get done, he will pick one or two of those, does them super vigorously and gets carried away, then doesn't ever get around to the rest of the list that may have something even more important on it" and I have no idea how to fix it.

hoffse

Good topic.

H and I have finally come to an agreement that makes us both happy.  Essentially, it's "if it bothers you, then you deal with it."

Neither of us are crazy neat-freaks.  But the things that bother us are different.  I hate to have dishes laying out after dinner.  So I clean them up right away.  H hates for the lawn to look anything but perfect.  So he mows.  We used to get in arguments over this, until finally we realized that we just have different standards about different things, and it's not really fair for one to impose his/her standards on the other.

Granted, our work schedules are virtually identical.  We leave for work within 15 minutes of each other and we usually leave the office within 15 minutes of each other.  If our schedules were VERY different, then we might have developed a punch list of minimum jobs that must be done each day or week by the person who stays home more.  But as it stands, we work equally.  Our incomes are almost identical.  So the house chores just get split based on who is better at that task or who cares more that's it's done in a particular way.

On the whole, H cooks and does yard work.  I clean and take care of laundry.  He does the dry cleaning runs.  I handle the taxes and the finances.  We both do grocery runs.

formerlyGDaisy09

noffgurl said:

My DH has the problem of "I will give him a list of things that need to get done, he will pick one or two of those, does them super vigorously and gets carried away, then doesn't ever get around to the rest of the list that may have something even more important on it" and I have no idea how to fix it.

my H also has this issue....I kid you not yesterday he was talking about hanging Christmas lights outside (there are still leaves that need raking). I have learned that a shorter list gets much further, I also remind him that I've made the list in order of priority. 

this morning I sent him a text that said "when you get home could you dump the mums on the front porch in the woods, clean the pots, and put them in the garage?" our recent nights below freezing killed the mums, I'm hoping I get home to find them gone. that was the only thing I asked him to do today.

noffgurl

Gdaisy09 said:

noffgurl said:

My DH has the problem of "I will give him a list of things that need to get done, he will pick one or two of those, does them super vigorously and gets carried away, then doesn't ever get around to the rest of the list that may have something even more important on it" and I have no idea how to fix it.

my H also has this issue....I kid you not yesterday he was talking about hanging Christmas lights outside (there are still leaves that need raking). I have learned that a shorter list gets much further, I also remind him that I've made the list in order of priority. 

this morning I sent him a text that said "when you get home could you dump the mums on the front porch in the woods, clean the pots, and put them in the garage?" our recent nights below freezing killed the mums, I'm hoping I get home to find them gone. that was the only thing I asked him to do today.

LOL. It drives me crazy, like I will ask him to clean the kitchen (in my mind: the counters, floor, microwave, etc. . . ) and he will literally pull every single chair and table out of there and scrub the floors (literally hands and knees when we have a mop and swiffer) but then he will still be doing that when I get home and not a single other thing will be touched. And the worst part is he is so proud of himself for working so hard. LOL

vlagrl29

I do all of the bill pay and check book stuff, cleaning, laundry, errands, scheduling appts and taking the dog or kid to them, and about 60% of the cooking.  Teaching lessons and playing gigs on top of that and somehow fitting yoga in between.  DH takes DD to preschool and I pick her up.  If there is a night where I can't or I'm to tired to cook he does it.  He also does all the man chores if I make a list for him and remind him to do it.  He takes care of the outside of the house while I take care of the inside.  I'm happy with our set up.  I'm really particular about cleaning so I would rather do it than have him clean even if that means I'm tired.  It took me 2 hours to clean the kitchen this week and we aren't dirty people.

If for some reason I was working full time, he would have to help me with some of the things I do by myself now.  I would probably hire a cleaning lady to come once a week because I would rather spend time with my family than have to clean when I got home from work.

formerlyGDaisy09

vlagrl29 said:

I do all of the bill pay and check book stuff, cleaning, laundry, errands, scheduling appts and taking the dog or kid to them, and about 60% of the cooking.  Teaching lessons and playing gigs on top of that and somehow fitting yoga in between.  DH takes DD to preschool and I pick her up.  If there is a night where I can't or I'm to tired to cook he does it.  He also does all the man chores if I make a list for him and remind him to do it.  He takes care of the outside of the house while I take care of the inside.  I'm happy with our set up.  I'm really particular about cleaning so I would rather do it than have him clean even if that means I'm tired.  It took me 2 hours to clean the kitchen this week and we aren't dirty people.

If for some reason I was working full time, he would have to help me with some of the things I do by myself now.  I would probably hire a cleaning lady to come once a week because I would rather spend time with my family than have to clean when I got home from work.

a cleaning lady was on my Christmas wish list...but with this drop in income that's unrealistic hopefully H and I find balance

vlagrl29

Gdaisy09 said:

vlagrl29 said:

I do all of the bill pay and check book stuff, cleaning, laundry, errands, scheduling appts and taking the dog or kid to them, and about 60% of the cooking.  Teaching lessons and playing gigs on top of that and somehow fitting yoga in between.  DH takes DD to preschool and I pick her up.  If there is a night where I can't or I'm to tired to cook he does it.  He also does all the man chores if I make a list for him and remind him to do it.  He takes care of the outside of the house while I take care of the inside.  I'm happy with our set up.  I'm really particular about cleaning so I would rather do it than have him clean even if that means I'm tired.  It took me 2 hours to clean the kitchen this week and we aren't dirty people.

If for some reason I was working full time, he would have to help me with some of the things I do by myself now.  I would probably hire a cleaning lady to come once a week because I would rather spend time with my family than have to clean when I got home from work.

a cleaning lady was on my Christmas wish list...but with this drop in income that's unrealistic hopefully H and I find balance

I understand that.  If my H had less work hours than I did he would be doing much more of the cleaning.  that's just how it would have to be for me not to be cranky all the time.

Xstatic3333

noffgurl said:

Gdaisy09 said:

noffgurl said:

My DH has the problem of "I will give him a list of things that need to get done, he will pick one or two of those, does them super vigorously and gets carried away, then doesn't ever get around to the rest of the list that may have something even more important on it" and I have no idea how to fix it.

my H also has this issue....I kid you not yesterday he was talking about hanging Christmas lights outside (there are still leaves that need raking). I have learned that a shorter list gets much further, I also remind him that I've made the list in order of priority. 

this morning I sent him a text that said "when you get home could you dump the mums on the front porch in the woods, clean the pots, and put them in the garage?" our recent nights below freezing killed the mums, I'm hoping I get home to find them gone. that was the only thing I asked him to do today.

LOL. It drives me crazy, like I will ask him to clean the kitchen (in my mind: the counters, floor, microwave, etc. . . ) and he will literally pull every single chair and table out of there and scrub the floors (literally hands and knees when we have a mop and swiffer) but then he will still be doing that when I get home and not a single other thing will be touched. And the worst part is he is so proud of himself for working so hard. LOL


My H does this too! He just can't prioritize tasks. Last week we had friends coming over in two hours, piles of unfolded clothes, unswept floors, dishes in the sink, etc. and he became extremely fixated on scrubbing the windows of our sunroom. I love you H, but prioritize!

formerlyGDaisy09

...but I raked the yard, and swept the garage, emptied the dehumidifier, put a load of laundry in, and made the bed, and fixed the shower in the master bath...

...yes dear but all our guests will see is our dirty floor, pile of shoes, and no place to sit in the living room...oh we've had that exact conversation many a-time. 

vlagrl29

confession - H loves to keep piles of stuff on our kitchen table and sometimes I do to.  When we had a patio party in September I put all that stuff in  a laundry basket and stored it in our laundry room because i know no one would look in there

noffgurl

vlagrl29 said:

confession - H loves to keep piles of stuff on our kitchen table and sometimes I do to.  When we had a patio party in September I put all that stuff in  a laundry basket and stored it in our laundry room because i know no one would look in there

I've done this.

Erikan73

Well my husband usually takes care of dinner since he gets home a little earlier then I do. But he hates washing dishes, so I take care of cleaning up the kitchen afterwards. He doesn't mind doing laundry, but usually won't fold them, so I do that. He will vacuum the house when asked. Basically it's taken time to discover which chores he doesn't mind doing & which ones he hates doing. So I each day he gets an email on "this is what we need to get done tonight" list and usually he gets a lot of it done before I get home due to our schedules (he does work full time too, just gets off earlier). However, if I don't make him the list, he will be like your husband & just sit & watch TV. I would recommend talking to your husband and asking him that since he is home during the day, if you left him a list with 2-3 things to do each day to help around the house or run an errand, if that would be ok. Keep the list simple & short if possible. If he did 2-3 things a day, by the end of the week, it adds up and you can have more free time together for fun things.

bnunn03

I am glad to see I am not alone in all of this! I do most of the stuff, but I think I have different standards than he does. We work about the same hours, except I have every other Friday off, which is when I can get lots done! He takes care of all the yard work and will do something if I ask him. Once we have our funded EF and credit cards paid off, which will be by the end of the year, we are going to hire a cleaning lady to come once a month!

kmurphy2131

I work 40 hours a week, plus teach yoga once a week, and spend a lot of time in continuing education courses or otherwise "studying" for my job. However, I only work Mon/Tue, and Thur/Fri (and teach sunday)  H is a teacher so he works like crazy sometimes starting at 8am staying until 6pm then working more after dinner; other times he works from 8-3 then is done for the day.  He has more vacation days then me, but has a second job and ends up working quite a bit of the summer. He also works his second job in spurts during the school year, sometimes only once a month sometimes 4 or 5 times in a month.

As for home stuff, because I only work four days a week and he often works 5-6 I do a lot of the errands.  I do our budgeting, meal planning, shopping and most of our cooking.  I have the time because of the way my schedule is structured.  and I like cooking.  He does most of the dishes and when I work until 7:30 (three nights a week) he will get what I planned and prepped started before I get home.  He always vacuums, I hate it! If I do laundry I might ask him to fold it if he is just watching TV or something. When he has a lot of grading to do for work and is working late into the night, I will do all the dishes even if I just worked a 12 hour day.  If he is out of school and not working (or working but less demanding grading etc) I ask him to help more.  

I find that he doesn't "see" what needs to be done.  We have different standards.  He doesn't care if the counter is wiped down everyday or the bed is made every morning.  I can't really blame him for that, so those are things that I do. 

I have learned that he wants to be told what it is that he needs to do, but does not want to be told "do it now" So I will try and say something like "Within the next 3 days can you please vacuum, it is getting bad in here"  He will get it done, but I need to accept that "right now" won't happen.  I would ask your husband what he feels he can reasonably do, and decide if he is a "do this now" person or a "sometime before friday" kind of person.   Just some thoughts from my situation which sounds similar (in terms of different standards!!!)

vlagrl29

noffgurl said:

vlagrl29 said:

confession - H loves to keep piles of stuff on our kitchen table and sometimes I do to.  When we had a patio party in September I put all that stuff in  a laundry basket and stored it in our laundry room because i know no one would look in there

I've done this.

Then when DH wonders where his things are I tell him they are probably in the laundry room. lol

Wulfgar

MW and I try to balance the work load in our house.  We don't do joint bill paying, instead we each take care of our own bills.

As for house hold chores, we share them as much as possible.  Usually who ever gets home first starts dinner and depending on how bad the day either of us had we will tag team dinner.

It helps that neither of us are neat freaks.

For us, it doesn't matter who makes how much and trying to balance the hours worked to chores completed.  If something is really bothering one or the other of us we just take care of it.  If we have guests coming over, we usually plan at least a week or two in advance to be able to declutter and do some deeper cleaning.

I know that some people couldn't live in the clutter that MW and I can so each couple has to find what works for them.

als1982

We make roughly the same.

Our first 6 months of marriage we had a cleaning service come once a month and it was glorious!, but I just couldn't justify that considering at the time were were paying over $400 in interest alone on our student loans.   

jessica490

H and I both work 40 hours Mon-Fri (with H having Tuesdays off). If there's any special chores/vet apts that need to be done I leave him a list for Tuesdays. Other then that we normally do all our cleaning/laundry on the weekend so its usually no issue to get anything done. But since I've picked up a second job and H is picking up some Saturday shifts in order to pay down our mortgage, we are strapped for time on the weekends to get chores done, but we both chip in and it gets done. We never argue about who cleans what and when, we already know our specific duties.

maple2

We struggle with this as well. DH works more hours than me, but he is able to set his own schedule so some of that is by choice. I probably do 85% of household stuff--cooking, cleaning, yard work, car maintenance, shopping, finances, etc.  DH does his own laundry and we alternate washing dishes every evening, but most weeks that's probably about all he contributes to those types of household chores.  It's a bit tricky, because he honestly just isn't very good at doing them. When he cleans the kitchen in the evening, he always forgets to wipe the counters or sweep the floor or check the table for more dishes or something. Luckily, he recognizes that he isn't very good at it but that it is important to me, so we at least agree to splurge on a house cleaner every other week. I honestly think our marriage would be much rockier if not for that.

We have kids, and DH is really good about splitting childcare responsibilities. We pretty evenly split bath, bedtime, lunch prep, weekends, etc., though he almost never does things like laundry, doctor appointments or shopping.

Even though I often hate having to be responsible for the majority of the household chores I remind myself that 1) if DH has to prioritize certain household responsibilities with his limited non-work time, I'm glad he chooses the kids and 2) everything else bothers me way more than it bothers him, and it's not reasonable for me to expect him to always live up to my standards.

If we were in you situation where DH worked less, I think there would be constant tension.  I get a bit resentful now, and I can only imagine that it would be worse if he was working less than me. I'm sure he would do more around the house, but I'm also sure it wouldn't be up to my standards. He's just not very good at it, and I'm not sure how fair it would be to ask him to do things the way I want them done just because he has more time to do them. Like you, I think that if I left him a list, that wouldn't guarantee something would be done well (according to me). Good luck figuring out what works for you two!

Just a side story to help you know you are not alone. At one point in our relationship DH and I lived apart during the week, but I came home to "our" apartment on the weekends.  He never did any dishes until the night before I was coming home. They just didn't bother him, but he washed them because he knew it bothered me. He offered to be responsible for bathroom cleaning. When I finally moved there permanently, I decided the bathroom needed a deep clean.  He saw me mopping and was like, "Oh, I've never done that. I don't know how to mop." Don't ask me how a 25 year old adult can not know how to mop, but there you have it. He's made huge strides since then, but that doesn't mean he's anywhere close to where I am!

KatieCutie05

This is probably our biggest area of disagreement....

 My husband and I both work full time but his hours are 6am to 3pm sometimes more while I'm ur traditional 9 to 5 roughly and I have a cushy desk job with a flexible and understanding boss - while DH is working hard on his feet all day. Plus my husband also works a second job about 4 days a week. So total probably 60-70 hours. 

We r both underpaid but in the end he makes at 2 jobs about what I make at one... Sad really. We sort of have come to rely on that second job which he hates cus he is overworked and basically can never quit. But he does need to lower his hours cus neither of us can handle this anymore. We may need the money but i'd rather be broke... It doesn't matter to us our income difference at our full time jobs - but the second job is where we disagree because its extra work that HE is doing and i need to be doing equal work at home - which ofcourse isn't working.  

 We agreed when he started this that I would handle most of the household chores indoors since he is working more then me. However he is definitely the clean freak one while I'm more laid back and like my little messy areas. If the dishes are mostly done and theres no major explosions of mess i'm Okay. i'll just clean it when it gets bad.  I HATE cleaning and would kill for a maid. He says I'm lazy but I honestly don't know how to clean apparently because everything takes me like 5 times as long. I think he just speed cleans and i just take my time to do it right. idk. I am not made to be a housewife, its miserable. I'd much rather go to work then stay home and do housework all day. That would be my personal hell. 

We have very different ideas as to what is considered clean. And very different ideas as to what should take priority. We keep trying new ways to handle it. Only thing thats helping so far is the few weeks where he's home more so he can help a little more. Plus he's started asking less of me and just giving me specific jobs instead of just saying "clean" - which inevitably resulted in a "you call this clean" or a "what have you done around here" and eventually i just gave up trying to please him because its just an impossible task. 

brij2006

AprilH81 said:

KatieCutie05 said:

This is probably our biggest area of disagreement....

 My husband and I both work full time but his hours are 6am to 3pm sometimes more while I'm ur traditional 9 to 5 roughly and I have a cushy desk job with a flexible and understanding boss - while DH is working hard on his feet all day. Plus my husband also works a second job about 4 days a week. So total probably 60-70 hours. 

We r both underpaid but in the end he makes at 2 jobs about what I make at one... Sad really. We sort of have come to rely on that second job which he hates cus he is overworked and basically can never quit. But he does need to lower his hours cus neither of us can handle this anymore. We may need the money but i'd rather be broke... It doesn't matter to us our income difference at our full time jobs - but the second job is where we disagree because its extra work that HE is doing and i need to be doing equal work at home - which ofcourse isn't working.  

 We agreed when he started this that I would handle most of the household chores indoors since he is working more then me. However he is definitely the clean freak one while I'm more laid back and like my little messy areas. If the dishes are mostly done and theres no major explosions of mess i'm Okay. i'll just clean it when it gets bad.  I HATE cleaning and would kill for a maid. He says I'm lazy but I honestly don't know how to clean apparently because everything takes me like 5 times as long. I think he just speed cleans and i just take my time to do it right. idk. I am not made to be a housewife, its miserable. I'd much rather go to work then stay home and do housework all day. That would be my personal hell. 

We have very different ideas as to what is considered clean. And very different ideas as to what should take priority. We keep trying new ways to handle it. Only thing thats helping so far is the few weeks where he's home more so he can help a little more. Plus he's started asking less of me and just giving me specific jobs instead of just saying "clean" - which inevitably resulted in a "you call this clean" or a "what have you done around here" and eventually i just gave up trying to please him because its just an impossible task. 

With the other stories you've shared about your husband he sounds like a real jerk (unless I'm confusing you with someone else).  He blames you for your student loans, spends over budget because he wants his toys and because it isn't his fault you have loans, keeps insisting on getting a boat that you can't afford and then calling you lazy?  

I really hope there are a lot of good things going on behind the scenes that you don't share...

Agree 100%.  You can't make ends meet, have a baby on the way, but he just bought tickets to Garth Brooks because it's a bucket list item for him.  

Financial issues are one of the top reason's couples get divorced.  All of the stories you hear about couples getting divorced over money is exactly what you post about.  

I really feel bad for you.  He sounds like quite a jerk who isn't going to give 2 shits about you and the baby's needs over his own.

noffgurl

AprilH81 said:

KatieCutie05 said:

This is probably our biggest area of disagreement....

 My husband and I both work full time but his hours are 6am to 3pm sometimes more while I'm ur traditional 9 to 5 roughly and I have a cushy desk job with a flexible and understanding boss - while DH is working hard on his feet all day. Plus my husband also works a second job about 4 days a week. So total probably 60-70 hours. 

We r both underpaid but in the end he makes at 2 jobs about what I make at one... Sad really. We sort of have come to rely on that second job which he hates cus he is overworked and basically can never quit. But he does need to lower his hours cus neither of us can handle this anymore. We may need the money but i'd rather be broke... It doesn't matter to us our income difference at our full time jobs - but the second job is where we disagree because its extra work that HE is doing and i need to be doing equal work at home - which ofcourse isn't working.  

 We agreed when he started this that I would handle most of the household chores indoors since he is working more then me. However he is definitely the clean freak one while I'm more laid back and like my little messy areas. If the dishes are mostly done and theres no major explosions of mess i'm Okay. i'll just clean it when it gets bad.  I HATE cleaning and would kill for a maid. He says I'm lazy but I honestly don't know how to clean apparently because everything takes me like 5 times as long. I think he just speed cleans and i just take my time to do it right. idk. I am not made to be a housewife, its miserable. I'd much rather go to work then stay home and do housework all day. That would be my personal hell. 

We have very different ideas as to what is considered clean. And very different ideas as to what should take priority. We keep trying new ways to handle it. Only thing thats helping so far is the few weeks where he's home more so he can help a little more. Plus he's started asking less of me and just giving me specific jobs instead of just saying "clean" - which inevitably resulted in a "you call this clean" or a "what have you done around here" and eventually i just gave up trying to please him because its just an impossible task. 

With the other stories you've shared about your husband he sounds like a real jerk (unless I'm confusing you with someone else).  He blames you for your student loans, spends over budget because he wants his toys and because it isn't his fault you have loans, keeps insisting on getting a boat that you can't afford and then calling you lazy?  

I really hope there are a lot of good things going on behind the scenes that you don't share...

This.

Xstatic3333

Yeah not to pile on but you don't deserve that, Katie. You're clearly working hard for your family. I hope it gets better/isn't as bad as it seems but "lazy" is name calling that has no place in a chore bickering session between adults