Articles from my mom;)

barefootbluejean204

So my mom who is awesome sent me a couple articles today to encourage me.♡
http://www.todayschristianwoman.com/articles/2014/october-week-3/foundation-of-family-planning.html?utm_source=todayschristianwoman&utm_medium=Newsletter&utm_term=13139680&utm_content=308583004&utm_campaign=2013

http://www.kristinhilltaylor.com/2014/10/god-works-in-wait.html

I know my situation doesn't even hardly compare to many of you on here, but I will tell you that it's been very difficult having the desire for a baby and my spouse not feeling the same yet. Today one of my coworkers showed me a picture on his phone of his wife's positive pregnancy test. She is only 5 weeks along and they started trying in August, lol. I know yall have a million stories like that whether families, friends, or coworkers- so yeah, I just had to share because i know you understand.

Anyway here is an excerpt from the first article:

. A couple can’t agree on when to start a family, so they keep putting it off. When they finally decide in their mid-30s, she can’t get pregnant. She resents him for the wasted years and blames him for her barren womb.

How do you navigate these situations? Is there any way to avoid regrets and resentment when you disagree over family planning?


To be honest I am very afraid of the above example happening to me.

BruinsBabe33

I didn't bother clicking any of the articles, but what you quoted above is crap. If you are blaming each other for your fertility problems then you don't have a very solid relationship. This whole post makes me angry. I would never blame someone I care about for a "barren womb" and years spent with just me and my spouse aren't wasted. Eff this whole post.

MH1006

BruinsBabe33 said:

I didn't bother clicking any of the articles, but what you quoted above is crap. If you are blaming each other for your fertility problems then you don't have a very solid relationship. This whole post makes me angry. I would never blame someone I care about for a "barren womb" and years spent with just me and my spouse aren't wasted. Eff this whole post.

Disagree. My ex and I have had a very unhealthy, back and forth kind of relationship. For me, the biggest reason I would go back was because I yearned for children and knew my small window could almost be up. It is a little different for men and I totally resent giving my ex what I would consider "my best years" (as far as being young, healthy and fertile) and getting nothing in return. I understand my situation isn't very relatable to most on this board, but I don't think it's ridiculous to blame your spouse if they are not ready for children until it is no longer physically possible. Do I think all of the blame falls on the spouse? No. But I think it's only natural.

So eff your response.

nfp147

This is a topic that DH and I covered BEFORE we got married.  I would never have married someone before discussing whether/when we were TTC and having some sort of agreement.  

Turns out after having that agreement, we have crappy sperm and no babies.  But "blaming" DH has never entered my thoughts. 

lfk2013

DH and I had a very emotional discussion about this about 3 months before the wedding because he mentioned that he may not ever be ready for kids...when we had already discussed that we both did and would wait a while after getting married. He actually asked me if it was a deal-breaker. I told him no, but I was so thrown because I had been completely open all along about wanting to start a family with him, whether it was me getting pregnant or adopting. Since then, he is the one that has been changing the "time table". I want to be a mother, but I wanted him to be ready to be a father first.

I think it depends on your relationship to begin with. If you both talk about these things and the feelings along with them, there should be absolutely NO REASON for resentment or blame. If you can't be honest to each other about starting a family and how you feel, and listen to the other person, then there are other problems.

I understand the green-eyed monster part, but I know that it will happen FOR ME when the time is right. Same for you. Be happy for your coworker and everyone else that gets their BFP and work on a good, solid marriage foundation.

barefootbluejean204

Woah everybody, Dang! I never said that I blame, resent, disrespect, whatever my husband. I am happy with patiently waiting and being loving and enjoying our years without children. We agreed before marriage that we both want kids. I am just afraid of the scenario that if he isn't ready until Like 10 years from now, and then it will be too late or we will have problems. Maybe that is unrealistic, I don't know.

lfk2013

I don't think it does any good to get hung up on the what ifs. You'll drive yourself (and your H) insane and it will eat at you. Yes, there will be that thought in the back of your mind that it you could have trouble, but try not to focus on it. I know it's hard...trust me.

barefootbluejean204

Thanks lfk that's good advice.

nfp147

barefootbluejean204 said:

Woah everybody, Dang! I never said that I blame, resent, disrespect, whatever my husband. I am happy with patiently waiting and being loving and enjoying our years without children. We agreed before marriage that we both want kids. I am just afraid of the scenario that if he isn't ready until Like 10 years from now, and then it will be too late or we will have problems. Maybe that is unrealistic, I don't know.

You said...

A couple can’t agree on when to start a family, so they keep putting it off. When they finally decide in their mid-30s, she can’t get pregnant. She resents him for the wasted years and blames him for her barren womb.

To be honest I am very afraid of the above example happening to me.

jt305

lfk2013 said:

I don't think it does any good to get hung up on the what ifs. You'll drive yourself (and your H) insane and it will eat at you. Yes, there will be that thought in the back of your mind that it you could have trouble, but try not to focus on it. I know it's hard...trust me.

This.  Don't get caught up in what *could* happen.  

Don't "waste" this time of your life just because you aren't having a baby right now.  Use this time to grow in your relationship with your husband.  For me, I was super bitter at first when--literally- ALL of my friends got pregnant these past six months.  No joke--I am the only non-pregnant gal.  BUT--my husband and I decided not to be bitter or waste this time.  We travel, we go to sporting events, we go out to eat with my pregnant friends and have a DD, we hang out in our basement drinking tequila and playing pool til 2 am, we are focusing on getting healthy, etc.  For me, what changed was my point of view and telling myself that maybe having our own children isn't in the cards for us for now--but that doesn't mean we have to be miserable until it does happen.