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Lurker needs advice about half-truths, un-involvement and gaming
Good morning, y'all! I've been a member of this site for a few years and have read the wonderful advice left by other members. I'm an only child born to two only children, so there's not a sister or cousin to talk to. Unfortunately, I find myself in a situation and can't find a discussion pertaining to it. I could really use your help. I'll try to keep it short.
I met DH in 2007 at work, and we were married in 2008. We both have full-time jobs and no kids. He is a 37-year-old computer/network tech and I’m a 29-year-old graphic designer. I have known from the beginning that my husband likes video games. Heck, I play them as well from time to time. However, the time he devotes to gaming has increased significantly as our marriage has progressed. When we first started dating, he played maybe an hour a day, but this past weekend (Friday night-Sunday night), he played 24-30 hours. Seriously. He gets up in the morning and he sits down and remains at the computer unless he's taking care of a bodily function. Now, I'm starting to catch him in little "half-truths" about it. They’re not lies per say, but I don't get the entire truth, either.
DH recently started playing a game on his cell phone called Ingress. You physically travel around and do something with your cell phone? DH tried to explain it to me and I caught the words "experience", "portals", "links." You don't win anything tangible if you do well on the game. He told me that he was going to town to play. (We live in the country, and town is 15 minutes away.) Six hours later, and I still haven't heard from DH. Come to find out, not only did he go to town, but he went to a few other states as well. He finally came home after being out 12 hours that day. I told him that I was pissed that he lied about where he was going to be. DH replied that he is an adult, and I was being too controlling. This has happened about 3 or 4 times.
Another situation I found myself in: DH spent $1,500 on a laptop without mentioning a word. In fact, I found out about the computer when he accidently pulled it out of his bag. Apparently, he had bought the laptop 8 months prior in February. In May, I mentioned to DH that I noticed that we were mission money out of bank account. Even after I called the banks, pour over statements and mentioned finding a second job, he never said a word.
There have been other minor situations where I haven’t gotten the entire story from him, either. The 2 examples above have been the biggest out of a handful.
Because of all this video gaming, he’s not involved with anything around the house - or me, for that matter. He mows the yard and that’s it. He doesn’t trim or anything else. He takes 45 minutes every 2 or 3 weeks and rides around on the mower. He says he’ll clean the bathroom, or wash the dishes, or go to the store, or whatever thing I haven’t gotten around to doing yet, but he never does. I can talk to him and he will answer, but I repeatedly talk the back of his head and he continues to look at the computer. Sometimes I wish he would take less of an interest in the fantasy world and notice reality and everything happening around him. Unfortunately, I can’t get rid of the computer, because his job is in computer tech.
There are other details like drowning in student loan debt and both needing new vehicles, and my mother being in the hospital off and on for 2 months that – to me – add to the feeling of being fed-up. Obviously, our sex life has taken a dive to once every 2 to 3 months with me being the one to make the first move, but that’s a whole other post for another day.
So I guess the questions I have is: 1. Am I being too controlling? 2. Are half-truths the same as lies? 3? What could I possibly do to get my DH to notice me? I feel like we need to address this issue before we discuss anything else. I just don’t know how to start this conversation, because I know it’s going to blind-side him, because he’s not expecting it.
Re: Lurker needs advice about half-truths, un-involvement and gaming
Show him the door posthaste.
Before you do that, get an attorney --- you may qualify for a civil annulment versus a divorce since he's got an addiction. Addictions are grounds for annulment.
See one also because there is student debt --- I am guessing the debt is his.
And if I were you, I'd run a credit check on him and on yourself right now.
What else to do:
Secure your assets; do not let him have access to any of your cash or assets. Addictions will bleed you dry and bankrupt you and he's got the stage set for both. Do not be part and parcel to a disaster like that.
And when all is ready, file.
Maybe you can leave and Mr. Gaming won't even notice you're gone.
Pack up and go or show him the door ---and that's the end of it all.
I also strongly suggest you go to AlAnon -- it is for those who have a loved one with a drug or alcohol problem -- but since you have a loved one with an addiction, the group is still a very beneficial asset for you.
Go there and discuss your problem with a sponsor who is there, or the group leader.
You might also drop into Alcoholics Anonymous, ask for a sponsor -- and tell your story.
You can find a location on line for a meeting nearby you. Gamblers Anonymous is the same thing, too --- if there is a meeting closer to you than an AA meeting, go there instead.
Any sponsor in AA or GA or Al Anon will tell you what I have told you:
Leave his ass because he has an addiction.
Your H will never help himself, unless he has a rock bottom moment where he realizes he is going to lose something vauable --- or maybe he will never have one at all.
That's not your lookout to see if he has a rock bottom moment.
Thinking the problem will go away and he'll be a husband and not some pussy who lives to play a game is being in denial and being an enabler? Not likely at all.
Leave him. There is nothing you can do for him.
To answer your questions:
So I guess the questions I have is: 1. Am I being too controlling? No, you are not.
2. Are half-truths the same as lies? Yes!
3? What could I possibly do to get my DH to notice me? I feel like we need to address this issue before we discuss anything else. I just don’t know how to start this conversation, because I know it’s going to blind-side him, because he’s not expecting it.
As far as #3 goes, that is a done deal.
Your problem is not that your H doesn't notice you: your problem is you are married to an addict.
An addiction is married to his addiction: that is his spouse. It's his bottle or his line or his money to spend or the next big game to bet on .... or whatever it is that's the spouse.
You can go as far as to say "it's the games or me" and if he does not choose you outright, leave -- but it is not likely he will "choose you." I would not play that kind of a game; your best bet is to leave his ass.
Do as I suggested --- see a sponsor at AA or one at AlAnon and get your finances in a row and see an attorney. And if you are religious or spiritual, see your clergyperson, if you wish.
Counseling for you is a must. Somehow or other you got mixed up with an addict --- I am not sure if he had the addiction before you got married; maybe not -- but he sure has one now --and you need a counselor to set you straight before you get involved in the future with somebody who has the same problem.
Leave him; it's the only thing to do. Wishing you luck.
He was gone for how long???
Suppose you needed him and it was an emergency --- you were ill or something else happened to your mother or there was a bad problem at home -- where do you find him so he can be home quickly???
And no normal person plays a game for 24 hours straight! No normal person plays a game for 12 hours straight.
I also wouldn't doubt if there was gambling involved or he's spending money some where that has to do with the involvement he has with these games.
And you coul dbreak the compute ror hide it or whatever you want to do with it -- like a drunk or doper, he will find a way to do his drinking or doping on the downlow and away from you. You will be surprised how an addict hides an addiction
Do not take any chances. Get rid of him; as I said, you do not have a marriage. He very conveniently destroyed it.
It is not okay for him to lie through omission.
I agree with what others have said, that this is likely an addiction. However, I do not agree with the idea that an addiction is a guaranteed deal breaker, or sole cause for immediate divorce.
If he refuses to seek help, and insists upon continuing along his current path, then that's one thing - but addiction itself is not the end of the world. Addicts can be treated. There are plenty of very happy, productive people who have struggled with, or are currently struggling with various addictions in their lives. It is believed that the tendency towards addiction is genetic, so the idea of dismissing people altogether based on something that they didn't ask for is a bit callous.
He probably has no idea how bad he's gotten, and likely doesn't realize in the slightest that he has a problem at all. Confronting him with the idea that he has a problem won't be easy, and it may take him a while to accept it.
Try to get him to see a counselor with you, or on his own (or both) if he has difficulty cutting down/out gaming. If he gets to the point where he accepts that he has a problem, but has difficulty limiting his gaming time, you could remove temptations (like switching him from a smartphone to one not capable of games). Given his job, it might be difficult.
This won't be your first step, but eventually you two need to work out an agreed-upon budget. Buying a laptop isn't unheard of, but making such an expensive purchase in the midst of student debt, without consulting your spouse (and then keeping it a secret for almost a year) is not appropriate.
You need to sit down, and talk with him about all of your concerns. If you're able to go to a counselor, you might find that we're completely wrong, and it's not an addiction at all. It is possible that he is using video games as a way to "escape" real life. Maybe he's unhappy with work, or overwhelmed with stress and he simply isn't handling in a healthy manner.
Whatever the root of the problem is, it needs to be addressed. You can't do that until you find a moment to have him turn off his computer, and set aside his phone, and talk.
Even if he didn't have an addction: he is a liar. He destroyed your trust. I can't see how you can continue staying married to him.
He also has no right to act that way.. He can't shut down or pout or act like a child: he's supposed to be open and discuss the issue and face the music. He needs to get over himself and ba an adult.
And ONE MORE THING:
You've got it dead-bang wrong:
How in the world do I even begin this conversation with him? Hi, honey. I think you're an addict and I'm co-dependent, and I don't think our marriage will make it if we don't change?
"We" don't change???
The only problem here is HIM: he's the addict and he needs to go...and you need to get out of denial and leave him.
If you think you have a snowball's chance in hell with him, forget it. If you stay the problem will only worsen. Want him robbing you blind and decimating YOUR finances? Want him putting you so far into debt that you'll never get out and you'll wind up losing everything you've got?
You are way too young to be thrown into bankruptcy. WAY too young. That stigma will follow you for many many years.
He can also lose his job over this mess --- if that happens, you be long gone and on the road to freedom. This will be his problem and his mess to contend with. Do you think this nutcase has his mind on work, when he is AT work??
Get out NOW while you still have your marbles and your money: I'm serious --- he will also bankrupt your self esteem and self worth -- that'll get a real effing up; count on it to happen. He will cause you irreparable damage.
Do as i said: Retain an attorney -- see if you qualify for an annullment -- and whether it is an anullment or a divorce, get out as soon as you get your finances in order. It should take you about a week or less; it's a simple thing of putting your money and assets where he can't access them -- which is another bank account -- and do not let him have access to your bank card. Get a new one, activate it and that's that.
Let your attorney get a process server, mail the summons, send it by carrier pigeon or whatever: don't be around when the divorce papers arrive -- be long gone.
You think this jerkoff will get away from the computer long enough, when the doorbell rings and he is served? haha. I wonder....I just wonder....
So I see...the OP can have her self esteem blown to hell, and continue to see money go missing from their bank account and continue to have her spouse rot away on the computer while her marriage goes sailing down the tubes....not to mention that he acts like a pig about everything and shuts down and cannot face a problem like an adult man.
And it's okay for her to sit by and watch all of this happen.
And it is okay for her to watch her life pass by and give the best years of her life and youth to a pig like her current husband.
And perfectly fine for her to be some sort of cook and housekeeper for the guy who has to get up for a meal every so often...addicts chanied to a computer need to eat, too, you know.
ANd perfectly fine to NOT be a wife...this is an odd threesome of sorts: her, her H and his computer with the game.
And suppose a kiddo happens to come into the mix? It is okay to expose a kid to this mess? Okay for the kid to hear fight after fight and go without, thanks to Dad's addiction --- that KID will not come first, either, Otter J: the ADDICTION comes first.
ANY addiction is a deal breaker! There is no argument about it and the decision should be nearly immediate.
Oh, sure, he can get help -- but it will be like any other addict: he will be on a day to day basis, struggling with recovery and he can fall prey to his addiction at any time. He will be a life long addict, even if he gives up the games.
This is no life for the OP. Her best bet is to leave him and do it now, while, like I said, she still has her money and her marbles.
Nobody with half a brain would be okay with any of the things that you implied I endorse. It will be necessary for her & her husband to seek help and address his problem if they are to stay together.
"for better or worse, in sickness & health" are commonly found in traditional wedding vows. This is her husband's sickness. If the burden is too great for her to bear, or if her husband refuses to seek help and healing, then it is up to her (and only her) to decide whether or not she needs to continue to honor those vows. I will not push her to make that decision.
Instead, my encouragement was to address the problem, and work to solve it. Because yes....addiction can be treated. Do people who suffer from addiction sometimes relapse? yes. Do they have to sometimes continue to fight their addiction? yes. Does that mean that they should be cast aside as a worthless human beings before being given the chance to heal? It is my opinion that they shouldn't.
Plus, we don't even know with 100% certainty that this is a true addiction. This could be a depression, and he's self medicating with video games...or something.
Tarpon, I personally believe that people deserve a chance to change, grow, and mature because nobody is perfect. I personally don't think it is a very healthy relationship approach to head for the door the second someone screws up, or the moment they show personal faults and struggles. I also don't believe in turning yourself into a slave or a doormat. I believe there is a healthy middle ground. But that's me, and you don't have to agree with me, just as I don't agree with you.
I am certain that any clergyperson worth his or her salt wold tell the spouse of an addict to run like blazes.
There are exceptions to that rule. He may technically have a chronic illness -- since an addiction is a sickness and it is life long, even if you are in recovery for years --- but this is a horse of another color.
Suppose there were kids involved? A cleric would advise you to stay with the person and let the kids be irreparably damaged by a dysfunctional marriage and parent who is an addict? I think not.
The vow is also forsaking all others and in his own bent way, the spouse of the OP has forsaken her BIG TIME -- he spent their money minus her knowlege and minus a joint discussion and he is also putting his desires ahead of hers.
THere is also physical, mental and sexual neglect. His job is to make sure she is happy and he failed that requirement big time. This too is forsaking a spouse. He did not put her first; he is putting himself first.
We don't know if he has a true addiction?
Do you think it is normal for anybody to sit in front of a computer for 12 hours a day or 24 hours a day or to drive off to who knows where, all for sake of a GAME???
That's an addiction --- and if not an addiction, he has a PROBLEM with computer games. If it has caused arguments and strife and neglect of a spouse, family or other duites, you sure have a problem with gaming.
He's got both: addiction and a problem with gaming.
I will bet you that if the OP says "Choose either one and do it now: ME or THE GAME" I will bet the waterfront he does not choose his wife, without hesitation or fanfare....
And that sure means he is ADDICTED.
I do not see what is in this for the OP. The trust is gone; he's continually lied; how can she get past that? how can he even try to rebuild trust? He won't be able to --- he's glued to his computer game. He doesn't even seem to care that his wife is there.
None of this bodes well for the OP.
She is going to have to figure out where to go. She could say to him "I love you but not the fact you are addicted to that game. I will hit the road; do not contact me or bother to speak to me unless you can prove to me you are no longer a gamer --- you more or less have to be 'clean and sober' and in recovery for a good long time before I can even think of resuming contact with you, let alone be with you as your wife" but I don't think it will work.
He has to get help because he wants to, not because his wife wants to or because somebody else wants him to get help.
You are more or less "starting to see the light" so if you make a decision to go your own way, it'll be a lot easier for you, because of that.
And if there is somebody you can stay with while you're busy making your decision, it would probably be to your advantage.
The only way he can work on his addiction: he will have to see an addiction counselor about that. I wold make that a must, too --- and he has to go WILLINGLY.
If he doesn't go without hesitation, it's all for naught.
Will he ever have a rock bottom moment? YOu don't know this and neither do I. Until he has one, he will continue to do his thing.
Can you afford to wait for him to get one? I don't think so.
Let's hope your announcement will be the rock bottom moment for him. And personally, you should say "It's the game or me: choose NOW." That's what you need to say to him.
I am guessing he would have to quit cold turkey and see an addiction counselor and also attend AA, GA, NA or one of those 12-step groups. He just can't say to you, "okay, honey, I will play less and spend time with you" --- he is in deep. "cutting back" isn't an option!
Playing computer games, period, is no longer an option for your H.
I am hoping you will go to AA, or GA and discuss your H with them -- and take my advice about AlAnon. I think it's a must for you.
Sorry for all of your troubles; you have a sick parent to cope with on top of all of this mess. Let us know how you are doing.
PS: My handle comes from an old 3 Stooges short. It's nowhere near my first name, which is Susan.:)
I think Tarpon is jumping to some conclusions but it definitely sounds like he has a problem, and you have a marriage that is not at all what you deserve. Best of luck going forward and don't let his problems hurt your own self-worth. It has nothing to do with you.
All addictions are a dealbreaker. Period.
There is hope for him if he has a rock bottom moment and then gets help for his gaming. He may or may not have that rock bottom moment. Does his wife need to stick around to see when he might be having one? I think not.
Until then, his life ain't worth a dang and his marriage is kaput.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
You have assholishness which thinks a psychological disease is simply a love of food or music.